To be furious with this mother

[Angelsandmagnets]

DD (11) and her friend who is the same age went out into town today with friend's mother 'chaperoning' (basically meeting them in Costa halfway through).

I gave DD £20, which would seem appropriate for an 11 year old shopping trip. However DD became increasingly uncomfortable as her friend bought a very expensive pair of jeans and was pressuring DD into doing the same.

I may have been skeptical about this however when they met friend's mother in the coffee shop she seemed shocked that DD had so 'little money' and asked if 'she needed more since I didn't give her enough'.

Fast forward a few hours and I'm now not sure what to do. DD is very embarrassed (I seriously doubt she would make this up) and I am supposed to be going out with this mother for coffee tomorrow. Should I confront the issue or just drop it? Aibu to be completely puzzled and annoyed by this mother?

[noisyrice]

When I was 11, all I bought was McDonalds/Meal Deals, maybe a nail varnish or lipbalm from Superdrug, sweets and milkshake/shit creamy drinks from Starbucks, thinking I was oh so cosmopolitan

[noisyrice]

When I was 13 in year 9 I think, I went shopping on my own and bought £40 jeans from Topshop. I remember thinking it was such a lot of money for jeans, but that I really liked them.

5 years later, I still have them and wear them about three times a month! Pretty good, but not the point.

The other mother undermined you in front of your daughter. You were not with her, so she did probably feel slightly more vulnerable when faced with the other mother and daughter, telling her basically she was a poor little charity case.

Go for the meeting and if she's a dick, spit in her coffee.

[CodyKing]

new friends do things differently

Yes! Like be really rude and embarrass children!

[HappyFatty]

OMG! £40 for jeans for an 11 YO is just wow. She'll be out of them in 6 months!

[Twowrongsdontmakearight]

Been thinking about this as I was the 'chaperone' yesterday.

Could it just be that your DD is now at secondary school and has made new friends and that the new friends do things differently to those at her primary school? Secondary is a bit of a melting pot compared to primary as DC come from a wider area with a greater social mix.

[TheWhoCaresMum]

I would say we are a high-income family and £40 is a lot for jeans for an 11 year old. Heck, £40 is what I spend on my jeans! haha. But that is beside the point. The point is the mum should have been more considerate about the situation and not stick her wallet where it didn't belong!

We all bring up our kids differently and we should not judge!

Maybe the mum actually didn't know she was overstepping the mark and was being nice? who knows.

[runslikethewind]

I really feel for the position your daughter found herself in, I think the money you gave her was fine and I don't think the amount should have been questioned at all by her friends mum it was a bit unfair.
Rather than get angry with her would you consider talking to your daughter about how peoples perception of money vary dramatically as can their shopping habits and may be reassure her that their is nothing right our wrong about the position she was in. May be once she understands this she may feel more comfortable if this should happen again and simply smile and politely decline saying she 's quite happy with what she has.
This approach may also help her as she grows up too?

[HopefulHamster]

Having read the thread from the beginning I think the other mum is oblivious, in a bad way. She's not even trying to look outside her worldview to see that other people might not be able to afford £40. I don't think she's being mean or anything, just ignorant. I would never never assume someone else has the same funds for their kids, or themselves! If I go to coffee for a friend I sometimes say I can't afford cake with it as well at the moment.

My eldest is five... dreading the day he is 15 and all of a sudden the £20 (or whatever it will be) isn't enough because another friend is getting twice as much and trying to casually say that's the norm!

[Grilledaubergines]

FFS loosen

[Grilledaubergines]

Hkm no need to be shocked. I also used Google. It's quite useful for information. So listen your knicker elastic and stop making an issue where none exists.

[a1poshpaws]

£20 on jeans is fine - £40 is just being a wastrel. I don't even pay over £25 for my own jeans. And the other mother was totally out of order in what she said - not only undermining you, but insulting as well. Don't be furious though - be sorry for her that she's such an insensitive, over-privileged person. When you meet for that coffee, just ask right up front, did she get the money back that your DD gave to hers, and be blunt - explain that you don't want your 11 year old spending money more suitable to a 20 year old in work!

[Alicadabra]

Hmm. Just read your account of your coffee meeting, Angelsandmagnets. It does sound like you and this woman have very different views on things but it's promising that she (like you) didn't want to make an argument about it. Hopefully if your DDs go out together again, they can agree a plan beforehand which makes sure that no-one feels uncomfortable?

[Alicadabra]

I think the mum's response was meant kindly and is not 'entitled' at all.

She admits that had different expectations of the day, based on her child's other friends - fair enough. She may have offered the money with the best of intentions to save your child from feeling left out - ok, maybe a mistake but it doesn't make her a witch. The "finer things in life" comment sounds like she's attempting to make a joke of her DD's expensive tastes, i.e. she's trying to keep everything light hearted.

Give her the benefit of the doubt until you've met her. She may turn out to be lovely. If not, well, then you'll know for the future!

(Before you ask, no, I'm not the mum. I would never spend £40 on my own jeans, let alone my DD's! I'm just a ridiculous optimist and like to believe that people are fundamentally nice until proven otherwise )

[HKM2B]

Sorry, Grilled not Grilling 😂

[HKM2B]

I totally digress but was a bit shocked by what I just read...!!!

Grilling, did you really just say that?! 🙄😳 "Fairly obvious by looking at him"?! I've got friends with blue eyed blonde haired children born in Hong Kong and my (ethically Chinese) DH and his cousins were born in the UK. You do know that you can't tell where someone was born nor their nationality by LOOKING at them, right?

And, FWIW, John Rocha is considered Irish "enough" to have been the face on one of their stamps as an "Irish" designer.

[MsGemJay]

£20 is plenty! It could early but her lunch and something while she is out. She's very lucky.
I wouldn't even meet that awful woman tomo, so rude!

[50andcounting]

I think to be kind it was possibly bad communication - kids at that age aren't very good at communication, so she might have thought they had agreed to go clothes shopping - which is maybe what her daughter told her. But your daughter thought it was just a trip into town? I think £20 is plenty to go into town at that age. We are lucky enough to live in a high income household, but I always impressed upon my daughter that she should always be sensitive to other people not having as much money as her and never buy things in front of people, especially expensive clothes. That's basic good manners at the end of the day. I also think £40 is quite expensive for jeans for a 11 year old, but have been know to give in to nagging.... But I don't think she should be having any say in how much money your daughter should bring with her to go shopping and it is inappropriate to talk to your daughter about that as I assume she isn't familiar with your financial position, nor should she be. I'd just meet her and say 'crossed wires' at the weekend, my daughter didn't realise it was a clothes shopping trip.... and then say how crazy kids are wanting to buy expensive clothes while they are still growing!!!

[AndNowItsSeven]

Jeans!

[AndNowItsSeven]

H and m is the best place for dress £15 and they fit skinny kids.

[PNGirl]

I think some families have a different... acceleration of spending. I had a friend growing up whose mum was single, had 3 children, owned a business, and was very busy. As she shopped at higher end stores (whatever they were in the late 90s, I guess Cos/Russell and Bromley pricing) she'd happily hand over 50 quid for a pair of Moto Topshop jeans and a top. To her, High St and affordable were the same thing. Said friend now mainly goes for Karen Millen type brands.

In my teens I would buy New Look or market stuff with my pocket money - my parents are big outlet shoppers and I bought my first pair of Topshop jeans tgis year at the age of 31!
I guess all I'm saying is that "normal" is different for different mums and daughters. She ought to respect that without being exaggeratedly bewildered by the amount you gave (totally acceptable btw!)

[Aboudi]

I can't believe someone said £40 for a pair of jeans is cheap !
I'm 32 years old and I've never paid more than 40 for jeans ever !
Not even when I bought it from TK Max, Zara or Next.

Re, the main point..
I think I'd explain what happened to that mum subtly. But furious is quiet a strong word for such issue..

[Wordsmith]

whois yes - for t-shirts and the like - but not for expensive clothes requiring them to carry £40 - £50 in cash, surely?

[whois]

It would be strange for two 11 year olds to go shopping on their own for clothes

No it isn't.

I used to go into town at 11 with friends - we would buy mainly tops from top shop! There was no primark then, how I would have loved primark as an 11 year old.

[Serialweightwatcher]

Haven't read whole post as it's very long now, but I think you're well rid of this 'so called' friend. If you were a millionnaire it would be none of her business how much you give your child for a trip to Town and she shouldn't have offered to let your daughter have more money than you were prepared to give. Sounds very controlling to me and you're well rid. Friends don't put you down to your own kids which is basically what she did ... for your DD to be embarrassed, it was obviously said to her that way.

[Wordsmith]

It would be strange for two 11 year olds to go shopping on their own for clothes. I certainly wouldn't be happy if my 12 year old DS had more than £20 in cash on him in town.

My DSs both have Osper cards but that's not really the point - most kids that age (boys or girls) see a trip into town as spending a fiver on tat and having a McDonalds, not buying serious clothes. And if it is a clothes shopping trip, that should be flagged in advance so the mother and DD can decide whether to participate.