To be furious with this mother

[Angelsandmagnets]

DD (11) and her friend who is the same age went out into town today with friend's mother 'chaperoning' (basically meeting them in Costa halfway through).

I gave DD £20, which would seem appropriate for an 11 year old shopping trip. However DD became increasingly uncomfortable as her friend bought a very expensive pair of jeans and was pressuring DD into doing the same.

I may have been skeptical about this however when they met friend's mother in the coffee shop she seemed shocked that DD had so 'little money' and asked if 'she needed more since I didn't give her enough'.

Fast forward a few hours and I'm now not sure what to do. DD is very embarrassed (I seriously doubt she would make this up) and I am supposed to be going out with this mother for coffee tomorrow. Should I confront the issue or just drop it? Aibu to be completely puzzled and annoyed by this mother?

[Sellingyesterdaysnews]

Overall, it sounds as if you felt awkward about your dd being given money. But since the other mum was on the trip I think it's fine and it's rude to make a big fuss about it! Say thank you !

[barbecue]

You're right OP.

Of course it's fine to say that you're not prepared to give your DD £40+, so if the other mother would like them to shop with the same amount she needs to go with what you suggest, not make you fork out money you can't afford.

It's also judgy and unreasonable of her to tell you how to bring up your DD and suggest she should be "becoming more mature and buying her own clothes".

There are plenty of ways for 11 year olds to have an enjoyable day out without having to buy expensive clothes because someone else's mum thinks it's a good idea.

[titchy]

To be honest I'd have just smiled sweetly and said 'Well that's not how we're doing things in our family.' and mumbled something about isn't it wonderful that families can be so different but still get on well, and moved the conversation on to something else pdq.

[diddl]

The other mother shouldn't be deciding how Op's money is spent of course.

She's used to giving her daughter money to buy clothes, Op isn't & if she wants to give her daughter £40 for a pair of jeans that's entirely up to her.

I can't see why your daughter was embarrassed about the price of someone elses jeans!

[PalmerViolet]

Sorry, this is slightly off topic, but one poster said this about John Rocha:

Yes but he's not Irish. He's Hong Kong born - fairly obvious to look at him id say!!

Does this mean that, if you look like John Rocha you can't be Irish? Because that's going to be news to friends of mine from Cork!

But no OP, YWNBU, the other mother was. Finer things in life my arse!

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

I said that was fine but I wasn't giving DD £40+ for a mooch around the shops. Mother then became a little defensive, saying that there was nothing wrong with buying some nice jeans, and maybe my DD should be becoming more mature and buying her own clothes.

Maybe she should but none of her business. From what I can see this was not billed as a day out shopping for a summer wardrobe but simply a mooch around the shops. If the mum in question thinks that this is a normal way of life to hand over £40 as pocket change on an average Saturday then I think you need to acknowledge that you both, and your children have incompatible lifestyles.

If your DD enjoys her company aside from this then it is perhaps time to consider regular pocket money / and or a clothing allowance to be saved up for shopping trips. 11 is a little young but by 13 back in the late 80's I did most of my own clothes shopping from my own hard earned cash. There was a tacit agreement with my parents that inappropriate clothing would have to be taken back or binned but otherwise I could get on with it.

[willconcern]

I can't get over £280 for a pair of jeans. For anyone. That's just wrong.

Wrong in which way? If you can afford it why not?

It's the price that's wrong to me. I think it's a total rip off. What on earth makes those jeans worth £280? They are after all some pieces of denim sown together, with maybe a motif and a brand name. Oh yes, it's the brand name.

[CodyKing]

There was a tv program on a while back and the experts couldn't tell a cheap jean to an expensive one! More fool you

[diddl]

" but I wasn't giving DD £40+ for a mooch around the shops."

But it doesn't sound to me as if her daughter was given £40 to "mooch" either as she bought a specific item of clothing.

You both have taken it personally & got defensive.

I think that she took offence as if you thought that her daughter shouldn't be buying her own clothes.
So she countered.

It's all a mountain out of a molehill!

[Buckinbronco]

John rocha is Irish. You get efniks in Ireland you know

Teacherwith2kids thanks for explaining, your upbringing sounds very unusual / untypical and you just find it often doesn't correlate with other people's upbringings? So not sure you can expect other people to be living the same way

[Oatplum]

I guess everyone is different but I think even £20 is a lot to give an eleven year old. I always give my daughter £10 when she goes into town with her friends. Maybe I'm a bit stingy then lol! I always say to my children that having money isn't the most important thing in life or being able to buy expensive things. I don't think it's good for children to get such expensive things as it make them materialistic and they don't appreciate the little things as much. I always tell my daughter this as some of her friends live in big houses and have so much, we are in a little flat with five children so she does notice. I just tell her family are more important than money and little things in life that are priceless. She may not always agree with me now but I hope she's does as she gets older.

[Needateenhandbook]

£40 is not cheap for children's jeans. That mother was bang out of order not only embarrassing your daughter but disrespecting you

[magratvonlipwig]

£20 is plenty. If your dd was going specifically to get jeans then yes, shed need enough to cover the jeans and a bit of extras. Byt 11year olds dont appreciate the concept of working some hours to get £60 cash after travel and tax etc etc and i think thats too much for a child to blow on a whim.

[Yasmin1592]

£20 is plenty, it's not like she was going for a whole new wardrobe.

[imjessie]

What are you lot on ? My dh is a very high earner and I don't work . We still buy dd her clothes from primark and next .. They are not £40 unless they have a brand name on . ( pointless at their Age as they grow so quickly ) Cheap is £8 .. Even next are only about £15!!!

[usernamealreadytaken]

Palmer yes, yes, yes! Does that mean that Idris Elba or Sadiq Khan aren't English??? I'm incredulous that anyone would comment that somebody "doesn't look [insert nationality]" because of their skin colour or family heritage!!! Sorry, completely irrelevant to OP - YANBU (glad I have boys, and still buy majority of their clothes at 13 & 14!)

[diddl]

I had no idea that John Rocha is Irish.

I knew that he was based there & had lived there a long time, but didn't realise that he was Irish.

[Dumbledoresgirl]

We're a high income family - not megabucks, but enough not to qualify for child benefit. I got caught like this once before OP - in fact, even more so as I did not understand 2 children shopping necessitated me giving dd extra spending money and I just sent her with whatever pocket money she had saved up! There was much spending of money on utter tripe, the sort of thing I would discourage dd from buying at the best of times, and dd came home to tell me she only had her pocket money whereas others had had significantly more. My reaction? A shrug of the shoulders. Had I known, of course I would have given dd a bit more so she did not seem out of place with her friends. But generally speaking, we like dd to understand that she has to save for things she wants, not blow all her money (or the extra I give her) on things she doesn't really want or need.

And yes, if you have a Primark in your town, I agree with a pp that £20 can go a long way in there.

And £40 for a pair of jeans for an 11 year old is extremely expensive! Dd is now 16 and I balked at paying less than that for a pair of jeans for her to wear to school (she has long refused to wear tailored trousers to school so I used to buy her jeans from New Look that were about £15 - her last pair 'had' to come from Topshop and cost somewhere in the late £30s. No way would she have had a £40 pair when she was 11.

[sugarapplelane]

Twas not meant to be!

The mother sounds like she lives in another world to me.

£20 for a trip into town buying tat, lunch etc is fine if you ask me. If it was a shopping trip for clothes then maybe slightly more, but I would expect my DD to come back with more than jeans if I had given her £40!

At 11 I would like to think that I was still supervising the purchasing of clothes for my DD.

[Wordsmith]

It would be strange for two 11 year olds to go shopping on their own for clothes. I certainly wouldn't be happy if my 12 year old DS had more than £20 in cash on him in town.

My DSs both have Osper cards but that's not really the point - most kids that age (boys or girls) see a trip into town as spending a fiver on tat and having a McDonalds, not buying serious clothes. And if it is a clothes shopping trip, that should be flagged in advance so the mother and DD can decide whether to participate.

[Serialweightwatcher]

Haven't read whole post as it's very long now, but I think you're well rid of this 'so called' friend. If you were a millionnaire it would be none of her business how much you give your child for a trip to Town and she shouldn't have offered to let your daughter have more money than you were prepared to give. Sounds very controlling to me and you're well rid. Friends don't put you down to your own kids which is basically what she did ... for your DD to be embarrassed, it was obviously said to her that way.

[whois]

It would be strange for two 11 year olds to go shopping on their own for clothes

No it isn't.

I used to go into town at 11 with friends - we would buy mainly tops from top shop! There was no primark then, how I would have loved primark as an 11 year old.

[Wordsmith]

whois yes - for t-shirts and the like - but not for expensive clothes requiring them to carry £40 - £50 in cash, surely?

[Aboudi]

I can't believe someone said £40 for a pair of jeans is cheap !
I'm 32 years old and I've never paid more than 40 for jeans ever !
Not even when I bought it from TK Max, Zara or Next.

Re, the main point..
I think I'd explain what happened to that mum subtly. But furious is quiet a strong word for such issue..

[PNGirl]

I think some families have a different... acceleration of spending. I had a friend growing up whose mum was single, had 3 children, owned a business, and was very busy. As she shopped at higher end stores (whatever they were in the late 90s, I guess Cos/Russell and Bromley pricing) she'd happily hand over 50 quid for a pair of Moto Topshop jeans and a top. To her, High St and affordable were the same thing. Said friend now mainly goes for Karen Millen type brands.

In my teens I would buy New Look or market stuff with my pocket money - my parents are big outlet shoppers and I bought my first pair of Topshop jeans tgis year at the age of 31!
I guess all I'm saying is that "normal" is different for different mums and daughters. She ought to respect that without being exaggeratedly bewildered by the amount you gave (totally acceptable btw!)