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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with this mother

294 replies

Angelsandmagnets · 04/06/2016 16:27

DD (11) and her friend who is the same age went out into town today with friend's mother 'chaperoning' (basically meeting them in Costa halfway through).

I gave DD £20, which would seem appropriate for an 11 year old shopping trip. However DD became increasingly uncomfortable as her friend bought a very expensive pair of jeans and was pressuring DD into doing the same.

I may have been skeptical about this however when they met friend's mother in the coffee shop she seemed shocked that DD had so 'little money' and asked if 'she needed more since I didn't give her enough'.
Angry
Fast forward a few hours and I'm now not sure what to do. DD is very embarrassed (I seriously doubt she would make this up) and I am supposed to be going out with this mother for coffee tomorrow. Should I confront the issue or just drop it? Aibu to be completely puzzled and annoyed by this mother?

OP posts:
allthemoomins · 05/06/2016 11:02

I'm just in shock that anyone would think £40 for jeans is ok! Mine are from Asda and begrudge paying more than £15!

Nataleejah · 05/06/2016 15:21

]I'm just in shock that anyone would think £40 for jeans is ok! Mine are from Asda and begrudge paying more than £15!
I usually shop in Asda-Primark-SportsDirect, and quite frugal not to overpay for clothes, however, sometimes i like to splash a bit on more "special" items. Probably wouldn't pay £40 for a pair of child's jeans, but like a nicer jumper or hoodie -- why not. Wouldn't call it "finer things in life" though, but even kids deserve a couple of things nicer than cheapest possible option.

amidawish · 05/06/2016 16:40

This isn't really about whether it is ok to spend £40 on jeans for kids or not though.

it is about some other mother thinking your dd wasn't given enough money, making a judgment on that and then giving her some (to pay back). that's what's so bloody outrageous.

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 05/06/2016 16:41

Moomins people prioritise spending differently. Neither I nor my DC (13 and 16) have many clothes. But some that we have are relatively expensive if compared to Primark etc. DC jeans from Hollister / Levi / Superdry etc are between £29 and £70. They last well and can be passed down or sold on eBay. Yet I'm regularly astonished that people spend £40+ every month on Sky TV. Huge waste of money IMO but some people love it. Horses for courses.

manicinsomniac · 05/06/2016 17:09

YANBU. There's nothing wrong with £20 for a shopping trip and there's nothing wrong with £40 on an 11 year old's jeans. There is everything wrong with giving someone else's child money and telling them their mum has been mean! If she'd spent it it would have been really awkward all around.

I would never consider buying anything more than a drink or an icecream for someone else's daughter without a parent or guardian's permission.

My 13 year old takes whatever money she has when she goes shopping with friends. She get £5 pocket money a week so she could have anything from £0 to £50 to spend I suppose (shopping trips are rare due to Saturday school, activities and distance from shops and friends). I don't even ask her how much she has before she goes to be honest. If it's nothing that's her lookout and if she blows a huge amount of money on rubbish it's also her lookout.

CodyKing · 05/06/2016 17:09

*t is about some other mother thinking your dd wasn't given enough money, making a judgment on that and then giving her some (to pay back). that's what's so bloody outrageous

Yeah!!! High fives MNer who grasps the issue!! Really people the cost of the jeans is irrelevant.

giraffesCantReachTheirToes · 05/06/2016 17:32

I need to know how the meeting went

Saramel · 05/06/2016 17:40

My sister used to do this when my kids went out with her. Always comments about their clothes, the food they ate, the amount of money they had, etc, etc, etc. With 6 kids on a fairly low income we had to be frugal and she had no idea as she was a high earner with 2 kids. It used to be water off a ducks back to most of them but my DD always came home feeling that she was in some way inferior and it used to make me so mad. I suspect all of us like "the finer things in life" but if you can't afford them nobody has the right to make you feel like you are somehow failing your kids.

AnstasiaBartAraminta · 05/06/2016 17:40

£20 is not enough, I wouldn't say anything though. For shopping I would be giving her more like £70. My daughter and her friends went to the mall yesterday and all the girl had like £70-£80. But they only wear designer clothes

Aeroflotgirl · 05/06/2016 17:40

The point is, the mother thought that op was mean, not giving her enough money, and making her look bad in front of her dd and her friend, undermining op, by offering giving her more money, when the truth is, op gave plenty of money for a child's shopping trip.

Helloitsme88 · 05/06/2016 17:41

I but the £42 river island jeans because they are the best quality and fit for me. However I am 26 and they will last a good couple of years and I always buy when offers are on if I can. £40 for an 11 is ridiculous. yanbu. Tell us how the meeting went

CodyKing · 05/06/2016 17:43

My daughter and her friends went to the mall yesterday and all the girl had like £70-£80. But they only wear designer clothes

Misses the point entirely

Aeroflotgirl · 05/06/2016 17:43

Anstasia, you obviously live in a parallel universe, cut off from reality, giving an 11 year old child, £70 for a mooch about town, get real. For some people, £70 is what they have to live off that week. Twenty pounds is plenty, so a few nick nacks and a cheap lunch, that that is all an 11 year old should be given. Any big purchases like that are run though the parent, and the child goes with their parents.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/06/2016 17:44

Thinks Anastasia is a goady hmm, and hands her a Biscuit.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/06/2016 17:46

Even if I were rich, I would still want my children to grow up knowing the value of money, and that you have to work hard for it, so they would still be going shopping with £20, and get their clothes from the high street.

GladGran · 05/06/2016 17:55

I would not trust an 11 years-old anywhere with £20. I also would not let them choose their own clothes without parental guidance, certainly not for that sort of money. £5, yes, fine, they can buy whatever rubbish they want (not clothes, obviously). YANBU.

pippistrelle · 05/06/2016 17:59

Anastasia is the friend's mum.

38cody · 05/06/2016 18:07

Sounds to me as though you took it to be a little potter around primary whilst the other took it to be a big clothes shop - I think it's fine to give £20 or £40 or more or less - totally up to the individual parent and circumstance - what I would be focussing on us making sure that the mother knows that your daughter have the money back - and that your daughter knows that In future she's not to accept it without calling you to check.

Bogeyface · 05/06/2016 18:14

£70-80 for designer? I dont think so love.

For over priced high street mass produced low end designer "labels" maybe, but you need to multiply that amount by 10 if you want her to "only wear (genuine) designer".

Must try harder 4/10

clarehhh · 05/06/2016 18:28

Definitely check money wasn't kept by other girl.I would mention it .

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 05/06/2016 18:34

How does just giving them £20 if they are going shopping teach them the value of money, Aeroflot? Unless you are allowing them to keep the change I can't see how they end up having to budget or plan longer term.

I understand that you might not want to go fully down the allowance road and let them make all the decisions about their spending but I'm not sure ad hoc giving does anything but encourage them to spend someone else's hard earned money on tat in Claire's.

Ifeelsuchafool · 05/06/2016 18:39

Was your DD to get her lunch/refreshment at Costa from the money or was that other mum's treat? TBH I'd probs have given £30 if it was to cover lunch as well. £40 for jeans is pretty middle of the road. Wouldn't call them particularly expensive but hardly cheap either.

If either if my DDs had needed jeans at this age I probably would have let one of them have £50 to go with specifically for jeans but not the other until she was about 13/14. Kids mature at different rates and at 11 some are capable of keeping money safe and making well judged choices and some are not.

Having said that I wouldn't dream of making comment or offering money and neither would either of my DDs! (Though a look from my DD would have quickly had me paying the Costa bill as "my treat" even if it wasn't part of the plan in the first place!) It's not a lot of fun shopping with rich friends at any age . 😕

Aeroflotgirl · 05/06/2016 19:03

Rafals because with £20 they just cannot buy anything they want, they have to budget. Its not like you giving them your bank card, or £100+. Yes I would let them keep the change from £20.

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 05/06/2016 19:10

Meh.

Her child was buying something more expensive, yours wasn't. The mother offered to lend your daughter some more money, your daughter didn't spend it.

Bit of a non-story innit. MN loves a "furious with this mother" aibu though. Wink

BoatyMcBoat · 05/06/2016 19:11

You're still growing at that age, so the clothes won't fit for long anyway...