To be furious with this mother

[Angelsandmagnets]

DD (11) and her friend who is the same age went out into town today with friend's mother 'chaperoning' (basically meeting them in Costa halfway through).

I gave DD £20, which would seem appropriate for an 11 year old shopping trip. However DD became increasingly uncomfortable as her friend bought a very expensive pair of jeans and was pressuring DD into doing the same.

I may have been skeptical about this however when they met friend's mother in the coffee shop she seemed shocked that DD had so 'little money' and asked if 'she needed more since I didn't give her enough'.

Fast forward a few hours and I'm now not sure what to do. DD is very embarrassed (I seriously doubt she would make this up) and I am supposed to be going out with this mother for coffee tomorrow. Should I confront the issue or just drop it? Aibu to be completely puzzled and annoyed by this mother?

But the point is that someone else decided to spend your money, and made judgements about how you spend. That's not right at all. Its your choice how much money you want to, or are able to give. For the record- £20 is the most i would have given.

Wow, my 12 year old never goes shopping on her own, she actually doesn't like shopping, but if she did I would probably have given her £10 and expected her to come back with a t-shirt and a pair of clip on earrings or similar.

There is no way I would even buy her £40 pair of jeans anyway, she will grow out of them by next year!

She's the one who's made the wrong impression. If you don't say something, even in passing, she sounds like the sort of person who'll trample over your opinions and feelings in the future.

F's mother has replied. Not word for word but:

'Hello, Angels. Sorry for the misunderstanding with DD earlier. F enjoys the finer things in life (?! , she actually said that) and was a little taken aback as her friends usually shop like this as well. I would have gladly given DD some money, but I understand why she wouldn't want to spend this. See you tomorrow'
Huh? Not sure I want to go, she sounds so bloody entitled.

I wouldn't say anything as what has happened is your dd's interpretation. Maybe she was complaining she didn't have as much money as her friend or upset and the mum thought she was being nice? I think yabu to expect the other girl to have the same budget as her friend when it hadn't been discussed. I would just give your dd what you are happy with in future but explain that friends may have more or less. I don't think there's anything wrong with giving £20 but there's nothing wrong with giving more either.

""Birds I don't really want to give DD £30+ for a casual shopping trip, and she will expect this if that is all her friends buy.""

It's for each family to negotiate what works with their (near) teen.

Mine liked independent shopping days, but could be trusted and knew my budget, I was widowed and on a low income.

They picked presents and cards etc for family members, independently, when out.

If that doesn't suit you, then there's nothing wrong in saying that.

This is a new friendship, for both of you, surely this is what your in the process of finding out about each other?

It just sounds like you both had different expectations of what the trip was about. She obviously lets her dd buy her own clothes unsupervised and you saw it as a trip to get small stuff.

She thinks you expect your dd to fill her wardrobe on£20 probably.

Texts aren't a great way to judge some so meet up and make a decision based on that.

X post, she isn't entitled, she lives how she wants to and has met someone that doesn't, the balks now in your court.

It doesn't sound as though you'll get on.

YANBU....I took my 13yo niece shopping and she had £20 to spend. We went to Spitalfields market and she got two dresses and a vest top for that.

Unlike everything else, the price of clothes has really not gone up since I was a teen in the 90s. If anything, with the rise of Primark etc, it's gone down

God, no wonder you're in two minds about meeting up ! Perhaps her text was meant to be jokey, as you don't know her well it's hard for you to judge. Meet up, but be a bit guarded in case it's not a friendship you want to pursue. Oh, and don't forget to wear your £40 jeans !

I certainly wouldn't spend £40 on a pair of jeans for my 14 year old, never mind 11 year old. And IMO, £20 was more than enough for a mooch around town with friends.

She could have found your text judgy. Texts are never good tbh. Maybe you will get on like a house on fire.

I will meet up, smooth things over, but I am a bit dubious.

Why are you giving her cash at all? Shouldn't she be using pocket money?

Gone DD doesn't get pocket money, I'm happy to give her £20 for the odd trip out with friends.

Just read the whole thread. Let's hope the other mum did actually say that the money you gave her wasn't sufficient and she wasn't just trying to be nice to your disappointed dd. Might have been an idea to clarify what actually happened in the text?

My DD had a friend like this - DM used her money to "buy" DD - DD knows the value of money and felt uncomfortable about how the mother treated her - a kind of power trip - like her choices weren't good enough -

And these were just spends - not serious need of clothes shopping!!!

I will bet this mother insists on buying the coffee tomorrow - and makes you feel like crap - won't even accept half!

Be weary - some people value stuff over friendships

Good grief, if I spent that on jeans for mine at 11 they'd still have been stained or outgrown after 3 wears, just like the £14 ones.

I don't even spend £40 on jeans for myself.

That mother was quite rude.

For me, I would still want to oversee what clothes DD was buying at this age. DD is almost 13 and I like to check that she gets something that fits properly. I'd have no problem with her buying bits and pieces with spending money, but not things like jeans.

Dd had a friend like this. She soon saw through that crap luckily and made new friends thank God!

I come from a high income family, and also enjoy the finer things in life. And I spend upwards of £200 on my jeans. But there's no way I would allow my 14 year old to do the same whilst she's still growing. And £40 jeans are no better than £10 primary jeans when you have the gangly limbs of an 11 year old which actually look good in cheap stretchy skintight fabric and don't need the better cut to disguise lumpy bits. I wouldn't be furious (though 2nd text is a bit snobbish) but I would pity her for being so stupid as to not realise she's wasting her money and bringing up a spoilt child.

Actually a bit confused about whether the other mother really gave her money or not? Her reply seems to suggest she didn't?

Putting the best spin on it, maybe "the finer things" was meant to be some kind of making light? If so, it seems like it's reasonably sorted, so you could just leave it (and come back fighting if it ever happens again).

It does-sound like crossed wires. The biggest thing for-me being that your daughter was made to feel uncomfortable and had money foisted on her.

Perhaps if she knew them both better she would have been able to say that she wasn't clothes shopping.

As for whether or not £40 jeans constitutes the finer things in life...

She did give the money to DD, however this was then given back to the friend later. At her age, I think using up so much money on jeans is a complete waste.