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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with this mother

294 replies

Angelsandmagnets · 04/06/2016 16:27

DD (11) and her friend who is the same age went out into town today with friend's mother 'chaperoning' (basically meeting them in Costa halfway through).

I gave DD £20, which would seem appropriate for an 11 year old shopping trip. However DD became increasingly uncomfortable as her friend bought a very expensive pair of jeans and was pressuring DD into doing the same.

I may have been skeptical about this however when they met friend's mother in the coffee shop she seemed shocked that DD had so 'little money' and asked if 'she needed more since I didn't give her enough'.
Angry
Fast forward a few hours and I'm now not sure what to do. DD is very embarrassed (I seriously doubt she would make this up) and I am supposed to be going out with this mother for coffee tomorrow. Should I confront the issue or just drop it? Aibu to be completely puzzled and annoyed by this mother?

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 04/06/2016 17:32

She may feel strongly about this?? She may well; but she's the one in the wrong! She has totally over stepped boundaries here, she can keep her strong feelings for things that actually concern her.
Stop feeling awkward and tell her never to patronise either you or your dd like that again.

Goingtobeawesome · 04/06/2016 17:35

No need to tell the mother you don't feel happy giving your DD more money as it is none of her business.

AugustaFinkNottle · 04/06/2016 17:35

I wouldn't simply refuse to get into discussion with her about it, let alone argument. Yes, clarify that she got the money back, but that's all. The decision how much money to give your DD when she goes on a shopping trip is for you and you alone.

Witchend · 04/06/2016 17:36

Furious is definitely OTT.
It depends what the shopping trip was for.
If they told you they were going clothes shopping then £20 isn't going to get them anything decent. So they'll come back with poor quality stuff. Fine if they're just getting socks or t-shirts, but it won't be much. If they were just planning on going browsing/little things then it's loads.

When I used to go, I tended to have less money than everyone else. But a standard shopping trip I'd have £4-5, which included lunch. I could then get a couple of small things. However on a couple of occasions we went clothes shopping and dm would give me £30. She trusted me to not buy things that I didn't want and I didn't have expensive taste. That would get me a couple of nice things, or several cheaper things.

BlueberrySky · 04/06/2016 17:36

I agree for a shopping trip with a friend at 11, £20 is plenty. I would probably have given DD £10 at that age. A mooch around Superdrug and Claire is all they would have done.

My Dd is now 14, I still buy her £15 jeans from H&M, she grows so quickly. She has a friend who buys much more expensive clothes, DD does not feel she needs to compete. She babysits now and has her own money, she is very careful with it.

Original poster
Angelsandmagnets · 04/06/2016 17:40

I think I will send a text to friend's mother (hope to clear this up before tomorrow) Along the lines of:
'Hi M, DD had a nice time out today with F, but was just a bit concerned as DD mentioned that you offered her more money, as £20 was not sufficient. In mine and DHs opinion, this is enough money for a shopping trip. DD has given the money back to F, who should have given it to you. Hope this clears things up.'
If she chooses to respond negatively that's her problem. Will keep you posted.

OP posts:
amidawish · 04/06/2016 17:43

just remember she is in the wrong here, not you.

what if your dd had decided to buy something, non returnable, with the money given to her by her friend's mum

would you have to pay her back?
it is so out of order. the only reason you have not to be completely furious is that your dd had the sense not to spend it and to give it back. you should applaud her for that.

originalmavis · 04/06/2016 17:44

Who would give an 11 year old £40 and free reign to spend it? You should see the crap DS brought back from a residential school trip without the benefit of an adult holding the purse strings.

Birdsgottafly · 04/06/2016 17:45

There's no need to be annoyed.

My DDs started shopping with friends at that age, my DD who has SN, used to go out in a supported group.

They (all three), would know what they were going shopping for, before they went and would take money for that.

They wouldn't be influenced by the others and stuck to were they usually shopped, so jeans from Primark, tops from New Look-to-River Island.

It started out that they'd have around £30 and when they showed that they could be trusted (and keep the receipts) then they were given more.

This is easily sorted out, if you know her well enough to meet for coffee.

clippityclop · 04/06/2016 17:46

Utter nonsense. Recreational local shopping is completely no go with my dds and they're fine with it and save for holidays where trips to cities inevitably involve a bit of browsing around new and different stores . At home they go together or with friends for a specific purpose, eg Christmas or birthday presents for other people, not just aimlessly drifting about the place looking at things. Discourage the friendship or make sure they do something specific (swimming, cinema etc) if they must meet up and give the mother a wide berth.

HappiestMummyAlive · 04/06/2016 17:48

SauvignonBlanche

There's always one. Hmm

Well I guess I'm not on the same page as all of you who think £40 is too expensive to spend on a pair of jeans for an 11 year old, I will never understand why people buy from primary, surely after a few washes they mess up that's why they are so cheap.

I like to invest in nice clothing for me and my children, because I know they will last.

Original poster
Angelsandmagnets · 04/06/2016 17:49

Birds I don't really want to give DD £30+ for a casual shopping trip, and she will expect this if that is all her friends buy.

OP posts:
Chattymummyhere · 04/06/2016 17:51

Happiest I have to agree my DD only 4 wears though primark jeans in one go where as next and that last her till she outgrows them.

Pettywoman · 04/06/2016 17:52

Children don't need clothes that last. They grow out of them.

My jeans cost £19.99 from H&M.

I remember going shopping at that age. We had hardly any money. We were happy scraping money together for Kiwi Body Shop lip balm and maybe something from Our Price.

HappiestMummyAlive · 04/06/2016 17:52

Primark**

cardibach I've never heard of that brand.

CodyKing · 04/06/2016 17:52

OP I do agree with you - £20 for a mooch is fine - if sometimes give more if they specifically need something that they must buy!

I'm more concerned that the mother thought it OK to give your DD money for clothes without asking you - but at least your daughter was sensible and didn't spend it!! She is well mannered enough to return the money honestly

You should be proud of her!!

BYOSnowman · 04/06/2016 17:53

There's nothing wrong with the mum giving her dd more money and letting her buy £40 jeans. Maybe she expects her dd to buy her own jeans. Maybe she likes her dd to have good quality. Who knows.

What was wrong was her making a judgement of how much op had given her dd and then giving her the extra money. That is overstepping the mark.

Goingtobeawesome · 04/06/2016 17:53

Why do you feel you have to justify your financial and parental decisions to this woman?

pippistrelle · 04/06/2016 17:53

Well I guess I'm not on the same page as all of you who think £40 is too expensive to spend on a pair of jeans for an 11 year old

It sounds like returning with jeans of any type would have been a bit of a surprise to the OP. It's not like her daughter was sent out to buy jeans, so the price of jeans is a bit of a red herring.

LadyStarkOfWinterfell · 04/06/2016 17:54

IMO 11 year olds shouldn't be doing significant clothes shopping on their own anyway. If an 11 year old needs jeans their parent should probably be with them to make sure they get something suitable. £20 was more than enough for Claire's accessories, primark etc and for her to come home with a few bits she liked. £40 jeans is fine if that's what the other parent thinks is ok but to shame you and your daughter for not having the same attitude to money is fucking shit.

LadyStarkOfWinterfell · 04/06/2016 17:55

Primark children's clothes are surprisingly good quality.

EverySecondCounts · 04/06/2016 18:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Angelsandmagnets · 04/06/2016 18:03

Friend is relatively new to DD (from the start of Year 7) and I don't know the mother so well, tomorrow is supposed to be a sort of formal hello. Hence why I don't want to make a wrong impression but this has made me really annoyed.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 04/06/2016 18:04

I will never understand why people buy from primary

You dont understand? Wow. Just goes to show that cash doesnt buy intelligence or empathy.

Floggingmolly · 04/06/2016 18:08

How do you know "she is known for arguing a point", in that case?