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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with this mother

294 replies

Angelsandmagnets · 04/06/2016 16:27

DD (11) and her friend who is the same age went out into town today with friend's mother 'chaperoning' (basically meeting them in Costa halfway through).

I gave DD £20, which would seem appropriate for an 11 year old shopping trip. However DD became increasingly uncomfortable as her friend bought a very expensive pair of jeans and was pressuring DD into doing the same.

I may have been skeptical about this however when they met friend's mother in the coffee shop she seemed shocked that DD had so 'little money' and asked if 'she needed more since I didn't give her enough'.
Angry
Fast forward a few hours and I'm now not sure what to do. DD is very embarrassed (I seriously doubt she would make this up) and I am supposed to be going out with this mother for coffee tomorrow. Should I confront the issue or just drop it? Aibu to be completely puzzled and annoyed by this mother?

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 04/06/2016 21:33

John Rocha has been based in Ireland for donkey's years, Grilled. He's also designed some of the newer ranges of Waterford Crystal.

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 04/06/2016 21:37

I would have been supervising clothes buying when DC1 was 11! If she'd wanted to go around with a friend, £20/30 is plenty.

FeckinCrutches · 04/06/2016 21:41

Grilled John Rocha was born in Hong Kong but has been in Ireland for years

Grilledaubergines · 04/06/2016 21:41

Yes but he's not Irish. He's Hong Kong born - fairly obvious to look at him id say!!

BYOSnowman · 04/06/2016 21:42

This is an interesting thread though. I am often surprised by the amount of freedom some of my 11yo nieces friends have. So it is interesting to see what other mums of 11yo think is reasonable

Grilledaubergines · 04/06/2016 21:42

I responded to the 'Irish designer'.

Original poster
Angelsandmagnets · 04/06/2016 22:12

To all those saying £20 is too much, you're probably right but I like DD to have some extra money in case she needs to catch a bus home etc. and these kinds of trips only happen every few months. She doesn't get pocket money so I think it's fine for her to have some fun in town, and inflated prices mean that everything is expensive.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 04/06/2016 22:51

I totally agree, £20 is plenty for cheap lunch, MacD, sandwich, or whTever, and some toot from Primark, Claire's, H&M. Any big purchases are done by the parent separately, not by kids on a casual shopping trip. Yes I like expensive clothes £100+ jeans etc, but not kids.

Exposition · 04/06/2016 23:33

I have to laugh at "the finer things in life" including jeans and costa.
I mean, surely 11yos cannot actually buy champagne and diamonds by themselves?

Gingersstuff · 04/06/2016 23:51

I'd be thinking that an 11-year-old who "likes the finer things in life" and is "taken aback" that her friend doesn't have as much money as she does, is a spoiled wee brat. £20 for a mooch about town is plenty.
New Look do fantastic skinny jeans for £19.99. My 16-year-old DD wears them pretty much every day (black for uniform, denim for weekends and casual). They wash amazingly well and are decent quality.

FuriousFate · 04/06/2016 23:53

YANBU, OP. What a nasty thing for the other mother to imply - you're poor/mean is pretty much what she's insinuating. I would be angry too.

For all the posters raving about Primark, please spare a thought for those who actually make their clothing. Made by children, for children, is wrong in so many ways.

MillionToOneChances · 05/06/2016 00:09

There is no right or wrong amount to give. My daughter and her teen friends on shopping trips range from virtually unlimited (debit card on full savings account) to only a fiver, with those being handed money for the specific trip usually being given around £20. It's giving someone else's child more and implying that your daughter didn't have enough money that's unreasonable. Sounds like she meant well and is just clueless, though!

AwkwardAvocado · 05/06/2016 00:24

I think £40 for jeans for an 11yo is a lot! I wish my parents had been that generous growing up... jeez

HappiestMummyAlive · 05/06/2016 06:11

Those who are used to expensive clothing do not call it "the finer things in life" unless they are not used to having nice things.

Janecc · 05/06/2016 06:58

Oh my goodness. There's a fair bit of bitching going on here. Please we are women, we should be sticking together. The situation and text was not very pleasant, I agree.

blueturtle6 · 05/06/2016 08:24

Id lead the conversation, with trying to teach dd the value of money, if she argues, just point out we all parent differently and this is the way I am parenting she may not like it but it works for you. 40 is ridiculous for jeans, plus its almost summer and they'll be in shorts

Aeroflotgirl · 05/06/2016 08:39

furious, other more expensive brands use child labour, so not just confined to Primark. But that is what some can afford, so tgey have to shop at budget places like Primark.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/06/2016 08:40

Yes the girl unfortunately is a product of her upbringing as we can see from the clueless mother, who lives in cloud cuckoo land.

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 05/06/2016 09:07

Interesting one this. I'm about to take DD and friend (13) so they can shop and DD will be given £20. They're going for a mooch not to specifically buy anything. I'll also buy lunch.

I think £20 is plenty for that type of trip too. They'll buy a Boost and maybe some make up bits. If DD was buying something specific clothes wise, I'd give her enough for that but otherwise she'd come home with armfuls of tat!

BYOSnowman · 05/06/2016 09:09

I wouldn't even bring it up. Perhaps her wording was a poor attempt at a joke. Your text could also be read as quite direct and judgy

Go along with an open mind. You might be surprised!

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 05/06/2016 09:15

Sorry. Meant to add that I'd be furious too if another DM suggested I'd been mean with money. Not her position to comment - glad your DD clearly has the self esteem not to have been put out by it. She could help her friend choose jeans and buy different bits herself. They weren't shopping to buy identical clothes like twins!

AlanPacino · 05/06/2016 09:32

Id be a little suspicious that dd isn't expertly pressing your buttons here to extract more money for the next shopping trip.

Decide for yourself what you feel is appropriate if you're happy with the £20 that that's that. No need to bring it up with other mum. Just keep explaining to dd that £20 is her lot when she goes on a small shopping trip with friends. Explain that it's nothing to do with her how much her friends are spending. The purpose of the trip is to have fun and spend time together. In a way you're setting the tone for her adult life in that we don't all have the same or do the same but we all need to have fun with friends.

CodyKing · 05/06/2016 09:40

To buy identical clothes like twins!

I have twins and that's offensive!

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 05/06/2016 10:07

Sorry Cody. When I was little, if we came in wearing the same clothes we used to say we must be twins!

I meant that they didn't need to be buying identical clothes just because they were shopping together.

suit2845321oie · 05/06/2016 10:55

£20 is more than ample for an 11 year old shopping trip. We aren't short of cash and I'd completely expect my DD to be buying jeans in H&M or Primark, she's 11!!!! £20 is plenty for lunch, a milkshake, a tshirt in primark and some shit from pound land which IMO is all any 11 year old, regardless of income needs to be buying from.