Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that I can't forgive my husband for not telling me he has two kids?!

337 replies

Chele72 · 31/05/2016 17:53

Ok so I got married on 01.08.15. Beautiful wedding day. We had been together for 4 years so I thought I knew him inside and out!
How wrong was I!
6 months into the marriage, I found a letter from the CSA addressed to him with the names and date of births of his 12 year old son and 10 year old daughter that he had kept a secret from me!
His whole family know but none of them including my husband have any contact with them, he just pays the mother £500 directly from his wages every month!
I found this out at the end of February and still can't talk to him!
I've told him I hate him and his family for not telling me!
I asked him whEn we first met if he had kids as I have a 20 year old son, 25 year old daughter and a 1 year old granddaughter so more children would not have been a problem as I am stepmum to 3 children from my children's father!
The fact that he lied and that he has nothing to do with them and doesn't ever want contact has really annoyed me and he is not the same pErson I fell in love with!
I really hate him now and am on the verge of a divorce! I have to wait until we have been married for a year first though!

OP posts:
Original poster
Chele72 · 31/05/2016 20:05

Will they speak to me?

OP posts:
septembersunshine · 31/05/2016 20:05

That's so weird. Why did he not just tell you? HUGE secret to keep. I would wonder what else he has hidden. Plus, surely he must have known you would eventually find out. What on earth was he thinking? I would feel the same as you op. He has wrecked your marriage. Idiot.

Serialweightwatcher · 31/05/2016 20:07

Oh my goodness ..... they are well rid of him and so will you be - that's an enormous lie and such a selfish, nasty man to not want anything to do with him. Don't get why the money though, unless it's easy for him to pay and make out he was being such a good provider for them but obviously couldn't care less about them, or you for that matter! Ugh, no way could I stand for that - sorry you have to go through this Flowers

Original poster
Chele72 · 31/05/2016 20:08

He's not sure about the little girl being his but that's his fault for not getting a DNA done!
I need to know the full truth but don't think I'll
Ever get it from him!

OP posts:
Serialweightwatcher · 31/05/2016 20:08

Meant ... to not want anything to do with 'them', not 'him', sorry

NameChange30 · 31/05/2016 20:10

Doop
"Does he know the children are definitely his? Sorry if I'm speaking out of line but the chances of her getting pregnant by him the second time when it was a one night stand must be slim. Seems convenient that the mother of the children doesn't want him to see them yet wants to take his money."
Nonsense. What makes you think the mother doesn't want him to see them? He is the one who doesn't want to see them - he's admitted it at last. And I very much doubt he would be giving her any money if he wasn't certain that he was the father. It's much more likely that he's lying about the drunken sex.

Original poster
Chele72 · 31/05/2016 20:12

All of it seems like lied to be honest because none of it makes any sense but how will I ever know the full truth if I don't get it from him?!Angry

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 31/05/2016 20:13

Well, you know that he is paying £500/month for two children that he didn't tell you about until you accidentally discovered it.

What more do you need to know?!

Shannyfanny · 31/05/2016 20:16

That would annoy me. YANBU have you asked him why he has lied?

SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend · 31/05/2016 20:22

I agree with the poster who said this was grounds for annulment. Get in touch with a solicitor and find out where you stand for sure. I remember the registrar at my wedding being very stern talking about the legal state of things and being sure of it all.. You were honest and open, you have my deepest sympathies that this wasn't extended back to you. BlushFlowers

CrazyDuchess · 31/05/2016 20:22

This is crazy - if he could lie about something as big as having 2 kids what else could he lieats about.

I'd be at the lawyers fist thing tomorrow!

CrazyDuchess · 31/05/2016 20:22

This is crazy - if he could lie about something as big as having 2 kids what else could he lieats about.

I'd be at the lawyers fist thing tomorrow!

SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend · 31/05/2016 20:23

I agree with the poster who said this was grounds for annulment. Get in touch with a solicitor and find out where you stand for sure. I remember the registrar at my wedding being very stern talking about the legal state of things and being sure of it all.. You were honest and open, you have my deepest sympathies that this wasn't extended back to you Flowers

VickyRsuperstar · 31/05/2016 20:27

It wasn't right of him to keep such big secrets, but I would go to counselling and talk it all through with him before filing for divorce. Men think differently and it might be good to try to understand why he didn't think it was important to tell you and hear his reasons. It also might be very painful for him not to see his kids if he has no choice in the matter.
I would see if you can work through the issues with counselling and see if there is something left to salvage as you said what a lovely man he is and you must have had a good relationship with him previously. I would try to focus on his good points and the reasons why you got together in the first place and try to rebuild and mend your relationship. People are often too quick to throw stuff away which may be able to be fixed. You might find it's something that you can work through once you have got over the initial shock.

NameChange30 · 31/05/2016 20:29

He's not a lovely man, he doesn't want to see his kids. It's not "painful" for him - it's his choice. Didn't you read the OP's posts?!

CalleighDoodle · 31/05/2016 20:31

I agree with you completely. I would not want to be with a man who had no interest in seeing his children, or who didnt fight tooth and nail to see them, and most certainly not someone who lied about their existence. I would also be filing for divorce.

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn · 31/05/2016 20:33

YANBU.

I am a grubby little secret, but to my 'mother'. She bogged off years ago. Has been married twice and in another LTR (last I heard). Her dad made her tell her 2 husbands about me because he said it wasn't right. No idea what they thought, or what she even told them. The LTR knew nothing about me and he has 3 children (she has never had any more). I always wonder what they thought about a woman who could abandoned her child and say she felt nothing (it is what she has said and worse).

I doubt your spineless H's children would be interested in a waste of space who felt nothing for his own flesh and blood. I'd never try and get him to make contact. Why fuck up the children's lives, they probably don't even know he exists.

It's such a huge thing to lie about, I couldn't get past it either and it would colour my previously good view of him. I know someone who seems perfectly nice, never done anything to me but I know about something they have done which I think is awful and I have never been able to like them because of it. How people act does have an impact on how we perceive them.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 31/05/2016 20:34

Yanbu

How frustrating, think you've found the one, get married, then find out your beau is an absent father.

His story sounds fishy too- he'd have to have been very unlucky to have made her pregnant for the second time, just as a one night stand.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 31/05/2016 20:44

It's much more likely that he's lying about the drunken sex.

That is what I think too. He probably knows for sure that the children are biologically his, from being in a relationship with the mother at the time or something. I can't believe a man who doesn't want his children to exist would pay up for one he had doubts about. As, being desperate for them not to affect his life at all, a test would be cheaper than 18years of child support money.

AskBasil · 31/05/2016 20:59

Frankly, a man who keeps an enormous secret like this, is not a partner and never will be.

It's just not something someone who understands how to be in a relationship, would ever do.

Everything else is detail.

LTB

DoopDoopBiscuit · 31/05/2016 21:02

AnotherEmma the op said..
He said he and the mother both agreed it best for the kids for him to have no contact but to pay her monthly!

GabsAlot · 31/05/2016 21:03

the csa wont talk to you even if you are hi wife

data protection and all that

user1464519881 · 31/05/2016 21:10

I don't think this is rounds for annulment buti t will be counted as a short marriage for divorce purposes (once the one year is up and yes definitely this is unfreasonable beavhiour). Don't get decree absolute until you have a court sealed consent order otherwise later he can come back and claim half of your house. In terms of a divorce settlement this is going to be likely to fall under short marriage rules (although period living together before is added in) so probably you will each be put back into the situation you were before the marriage. You probably want to try to get him to leave the house (unless you can get over this problem of course soon. You could ask him to leave and then change the locks and leave him to try to sue for re-entry I suppose.

Original poster
Chele72 · 31/05/2016 21:17

He wouldn't try to get back into my house. He doesn't like to argue, fight or talk about anything!
He would leave peacefully!

OP posts:
Original poster
Chele72 · 31/05/2016 21:22

VickyRSuperstar... It's not painful for him. He has no feelings for them at all. He has no contact and doesn't ever want any!
What sort of man is that?!

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread