AIBU that I can't forgive my husband for not telling me he has two kids?!

[Chele72]

Ok so I got married on 01.08.15. Beautiful wedding day. We had been together for 4 years so I thought I knew him inside and out!
How wrong was I!
6 months into the marriage, I found a letter from the CSA addressed to him with the names and date of births of his 12 year old son and 10 year old daughter that he had kept a secret from me!
His whole family know but none of them including my husband have any contact with them, he just pays the mother £500 directly from his wages every month!
I found this out at the end of February and still can't talk to him!
I've told him I hate him and his family for not telling me!
I asked him whEn we first met if he had kids as I have a 20 year old son, 25 year old daughter and a 1 year old granddaughter so more children would not have been a problem as I am stepmum to 3 children from my children's father!
The fact that he lied and that he has nothing to do with them and doesn't ever want contact has really annoyed me and he is not the same pErson I fell in love with!
I really hate him now and am on the verge of a divorce! I have to wait until we have been married for a year first though!

So sorry Kidnapped, that should have been addressed to HOLDTHEDOOR and not you.

No, it's fine AnotherEmma.

My post wasn't clear. I was being a bit sarcastic about what I thought was sarcasm on the part of H0LDTHED00R and it all came out a bit muddled.

Reproduction isn't 'fair'. Oh god, I agree with this a thousand times over! And everything AnotherEmma writes of course.

And anyway, men DO usually have ways of stopping pregnancy. They could wear condoms (99% work), or get a vasectomy if they're that unhappy about having children.

How are you feeling today Chele?

I wanted to come back on the thread to say (because it happens a lot on MN and it's very well-meant and supportive, but can add pressure) ... please don't feel like you "have" to come back and tell us the results of your session etc. You owe nothing to the Internet masses if you don't feel like sharing!

I hope that you got some of the answers you needed and that you're able to move forward

Thanks Merd

Hope you get some answers from him in the relate session and you can move on either way. Maybe if he realises saying nothing means end of marriage 100% and telling the truth means 90% end of marriage he'll let you know.

Nooka children definitely deserve to have two parents look after them. I wish more people realised the significance and importance of bringing another person into the world. But no, reproduction just like much of nature is actually 'fair', brutally so in fact.

Furthermore, modern medicine etc has changed the dynamic of society and the way we need to interact. If women continue to believe in the present day that pregnancy is some sort of medal that should guarantee devotion they could be sorely mistaken. Modern expectations are unreasonable and are rooted in the past where the options were very different.

I don't disagree with the ideals, personally I've been married for 6 years expecting first dc (planned) DP & I both accept the life long commitment no matter what happens. I also don't go around parading our situation as the norm and try to make other people feel bad because they don't have the pinup relationship/family. I've noticed that can be very damaging. People playing judge & jury on chele's DH without knowing the facts are wrong, naive and potentially damaging... she's a woman in her later life who has a chance at happiness and there's a chance she can have work at it. People can be very good at jumping to conclusions & telling you to LTB but very poor at helping you to deal with the consequences of the long cold lonely nights that follow.

People can be very good at jumping to conclusions & telling you to LTB but very poor at helping you to deal with the consequences of the long cold lonely nights that follow.

First off - lonely nights suck absolutely. But they are better for you than being in a bad relationship, they really are! And being alone does not equate to loneliness for some people.

But secondly, do you honestly think people like Chele break up relationships based on anonymous online advice?

I think it has to come from somewhere deep inside and very few people are that suggestible. I'd challenge you to start a thread saying "Did you LTB purely because Mumsnet told you to?" and find many people going "oh me! I thought he was just lovely but User182972batman said LTB so I packed my bags that instant. If only someone had said I didn't have to!"

The op in this instance posted for reassurance that she wasn't crazy for finding this a dealbreaker and my god, she isn't. It's huge! It's a mammoth lie and it shows up a huge fault line in their relationship and personalities. She's allowed to end it the second she wants to even without those basic incompatibilities of course but they are definitely potential dealbreakers.

My first post merd is that she should leave him because he a weasel, he lied and more importantly built the relationship on a lie knowing that who he was went against chile's core values. Absenteeism isn't the critical issue here imo it's the catalogue of deceit.

I chimed in with my last couple of comments because another poster salene was getting beaten down about absenteeism and personally attacked by MNs riding in on their high horses. I know people irl who judge everyone around them with a stiff upper lip and then cry themselves to sleep at night. Also, if you think MN doesn't have an impact on people's real life decisions then you're naive to the power of suggestion.

Hello ladies.
The counselling session went well.
We are going to continue with more as there are communication issues where he is concerned due to things from his childhood.
I didn't know about these before. So I can move forward now. I will never understand the weakness of leaving his children to be brought up by another man, him never having contact but paying for them but will have to accept it.
The agreement was made between him and the mother and it may have been the best decision- who knows!
Yes I am in my 40's but being alone does not bother me in the slightest- been there, done that,you know the rest!
I am more sure of who I am now that I am older and know that I do not need a man to feel complete!
I would not stay with him just because I'm older.
You can still be lonely whilst in a relationship and that I have been for some time!
We are going to work on our marriage but he knows, one more slip up and it's straight to divorce because I will not tolerate anymore crap from him, ever!
Thank you for the support and this discussion was just so I could vent and get the opinion of other ladies that know nothing about me or my husband.
I would never do anything I didn't want to do so people thinking that I would LTB because they said so on mumsnet is silly.
Thank you again and hopefully I won't be back on here again x

and for you, as they say on Sunday Love songs

(couldn't do champagne so I hope wine is okay)

Wishing you all the best

Glad things are moving forwards in a positive way Chele. Take care

That sounds like a very sensible thought process following on from your session