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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that I can't forgive my husband for not telling me he has two kids?!

337 replies

Chele72 · 31/05/2016 17:53

Ok so I got married on 01.08.15. Beautiful wedding day. We had been together for 4 years so I thought I knew him inside and out!
How wrong was I!
6 months into the marriage, I found a letter from the CSA addressed to him with the names and date of births of his 12 year old son and 10 year old daughter that he had kept a secret from me!
His whole family know but none of them including my husband have any contact with them, he just pays the mother £500 directly from his wages every month!
I found this out at the end of February and still can't talk to him!
I've told him I hate him and his family for not telling me!
I asked him whEn we first met if he had kids as I have a 20 year old son, 25 year old daughter and a 1 year old granddaughter so more children would not have been a problem as I am stepmum to 3 children from my children's father!
The fact that he lied and that he has nothing to do with them and doesn't ever want contact has really annoyed me and he is not the same pErson I fell in love with!
I really hate him now and am on the verge of a divorce! I have to wait until we have been married for a year first though!

OP posts:
EverySongbirdSays · 31/05/2016 18:03

Jesus, YANBU, at all

Your marriage is dead because he presented himself to you under a false pretext. It's fraud.

Original poster
Chele72 · 31/05/2016 18:03

WellErr, love it! Prize prick hahaha

OP posts:
ChicRock · 31/05/2016 18:03

I think I could work on and get past the lying, depending on why it was done.

But having no interest in being a father to his children? Nah, lowest of the low in my eyes. Being in the same room as him would make my skin crawl.

Original poster
Chele72 · 31/05/2016 18:04

Thank you ladies. I know you are all right x

OP posts:
Original poster
Chele72 · 31/05/2016 18:04

Chicrock I agree!!

OP posts:
Crisscrosscranky · 31/05/2016 18:05

I think this is what is called unreasonable behaviour and clearly grounds for divorce. YADNBU.

chelle792 · 31/05/2016 18:07

Your username is weirdly similar to mine! Grin

blueskyinmarch · 31/05/2016 18:07

Did he disown them or did their mother make it impossible for him to see them?

HermioneJeanGranger · 31/05/2016 18:08

If their mother made it impossible to see them, why would he pretend they didn't exist? Hmm

blueskyinmarch · 31/05/2016 18:11

Hermione Because people who disown their families don’t usually pay them £500 per month.

DoinItFine · 31/05/2016 18:12

They do if they're forced to.

Original poster
Chele72 · 31/05/2016 18:13

He didn't want anything to do with them and paying the money probably in his tiny little mind redeems him of all guilt!

OP posts:
HermioneJeanGranger · 31/05/2016 18:13

He doesn't have much choice if he wants to keep his job and she goes through CSA, though.

My ex paid for his kids through CSA, too. He still pretended they didn't exist for three and a half years.

EveryoneElsie · 31/05/2016 18:13

YANBU. Best of luck for the future Flowers

angielou123 · 31/05/2016 18:13

Shame on him.

Original poster
Chele72 · 31/05/2016 18:14

He said he tried to bond with his boy for 6 months but had no feelings for him- that in itself makes me feel sick and he's never met his daughter and never wants to!

OP posts:
Rainbow · 31/05/2016 18:14

I think the fact he lied is unforgivable. Is he out of him kids lives through choice? My ex is. Long story short, I kicked him out and he saw the boys supervised only. He didn't like it so didn't see them for nigh on 10 years. My cousin, bends over backwards to see his son but the mother is very unreasonable. If he doesn't pay her the amount in maintenance she thinks she needs, he can't see his son, if he is working and can'take babysit, next contact visit is cancelled. He hasn't seen his son in 3 years. Court takes forever and just says "let him see his son" but when she stops him nothing is done. He can't afford any more court action, so just pays maintenance and will wait under his son is older. Just wondering which was the case x

Original poster
Chele72 · 31/05/2016 18:14

He doesn't pay thru CSA which is what I don't understand

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 31/05/2016 18:15

So tell us more about this man. He's living with you - is he fair with money? Did he have his own place when you met him? I hope you haven't put his name on any deeds. How did he hide the £500 that was going out each month?

blueskyinmarch · 31/05/2016 18:17

So what was the CSA letter that you saw about?

Original poster
Chele72 · 31/05/2016 18:17

He had his own house that he shared with his brother who lives in Dubai. Brother wanted to sell so they did.
Nothing belongs to my husband. Everything in my name. I didn't know about the £500 coz I don't have access to his bank account. He will give me anything I ask for

OP posts:
LongChalk · 31/05/2016 18:17

I know someone who had a ons on his stag do which resulted in a child. His stag do was 2mths before the wedding. One lady told him she was pg 3days before the wedding. He did not tell his fiancée. She is now his wife of 15yrs and they have 3 children. He has not seen his eldest child but pays maintenance each month. He takes it out in small cash amounts and pays it at the counter into the mother's account. His wife has no idea and as far as I know he has never been unfaithful since that night. He is certainly very devoted to his wife and a great dad to his other children.

I do wonder if his older child will seek him out when she reaches adulthood which is obviously not too far away now.

FrancisdeSales · 31/05/2016 18:19

Chele so sorry to hear you have been betrayed in this horrible way. If they are 12 and 10 they were only 8 and 6 when you met him. Wanker.

I am Catholic and lying like this would be ground for an annulment (declaring the marriage null and void) because you were making vows under false pretenses. As someone said up thread this is fraud. It's interesting that at organization that's been around 2,000 years would have this in their church law as obviously many poor souls have been deceived by their future spouse who have also deceived the community that supported and witnessed the wedding. It's plainer to see why vows are usually public and the banns read to flush out LIARS and DECEIVERS. Horrible that the family went along with it.

I would kick him out. What a toe rag and so much for him revealing his attitude to commitment if he can completely ignore his own children.

WinniePooh101 · 31/05/2016 18:19

I'm going to go against the grain OP....

I think he's 100% in the wrong for not telling you BUT I would weigh up the entire relationship before divorcing him. Aside from this (I will admit huge) deception, how is the rest of your marriage?

I would try not to blame his family because it isn't and never was their place to tell you about his children.

Why doesn't he have any contact with them?

I'm amazed he thought he could hide this from you or is he kind of bloke that buries his hand in the sand? There may come a time when his children will want to see him. My DP has never known his dad, his mum and dad were married but his dad left his mum for another woman when he was just 9 months old. Fast forward 39 years and my DP since becoming a dad has traced his birth dad with a long list of questions that it seems becoming a dad himself has stirred up for him.

WinniePooh101 · 31/05/2016 18:22

Sorry OP just seen you've already given the reasons for not seeing his children, albeit very flakey ones.

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