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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that I can't forgive my husband for not telling me he has two kids?!

337 replies

Chele72 · 31/05/2016 17:53

Ok so I got married on 01.08.15. Beautiful wedding day. We had been together for 4 years so I thought I knew him inside and out!
How wrong was I!
6 months into the marriage, I found a letter from the CSA addressed to him with the names and date of births of his 12 year old son and 10 year old daughter that he had kept a secret from me!
His whole family know but none of them including my husband have any contact with them, he just pays the mother £500 directly from his wages every month!
I found this out at the end of February and still can't talk to him!
I've told him I hate him and his family for not telling me!
I asked him whEn we first met if he had kids as I have a 20 year old son, 25 year old daughter and a 1 year old granddaughter so more children would not have been a problem as I am stepmum to 3 children from my children's father!
The fact that he lied and that he has nothing to do with them and doesn't ever want contact has really annoyed me and he is not the same pErson I fell in love with!
I really hate him now and am on the verge of a divorce! I have to wait until we have been married for a year first though!

OP posts:
RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 31/05/2016 19:12

My question would be, if he can lie about something this big, what else could he lie about?

Goingtobeawesome · 31/05/2016 19:13

I wonder if my father has told anyone he has me. He's a twat so I'm not the one missing out though it would have been nice if just one of my parents had liked/wanted/kept me.

When DH and I went to do our wills we were asked if we had secret children as it would be a problem later.

Original poster
Chele72 · 31/05/2016 19:13

I just wanted to add that he was not just a young boy when these kids were born! He was 25 when his son was born and 27 when his daughter was born!
I had just turned 19 when my daughter was born and 24 when my son came along so that excuse is a load of old shit!AngryAngryAngry

OP posts:
Original poster
Chele72 · 31/05/2016 19:16

Did you leave him straight away? Do you have kids with him?
What's so weird is that my husband is the kindest person I've ever met and would do anything for anyone which is why this is so much harder to take in!

OP posts:
stealtheatingtunnocks · 31/05/2016 19:16

how very unattractive.

Sympathies, OP.

UnusualPolarBear · 31/05/2016 19:21

So what did the CSA letter say, OP?

Original poster
Chele72 · 31/05/2016 19:23

The CSA letter said that payments had finished on 01.02.16.
He said he only ever made one payment they CSA Years ago.
Nothing makes sense to me!
I've been looking for the woman on Facebook to try to get answers from her but can't find her as I don't know what she looks like!
He says he has absolutely no contact with her just pays the money each month!

OP posts:
AliceInUnderpants · 31/05/2016 19:26

Why were the CSA writing to him if he pays directly every month? Was the CSA definitely writing on regards of the children he has told you about?

FrancisdeSales · 31/05/2016 19:34

As his legal wife can you call CSA and get the full story?

StartledByHisFurryShorts · 31/05/2016 19:37

To be fair the CSA can be very slow. I only had dealings with them very briefly when I was temporarily unemployed and didn't want to lose out on benefits. Dd's father was still getting letters a year or so later until I phoned them and told them we were making our own arrangements. (He didn't pay maintenance but I figured that as I was working full time and not claiming benefits, it was none of their business.)

OP, you are really, really NBU to consider this a deal breaker. It'd be one thing if this was a short term relationship but he MARRIED you without mentioning it. That's not OK.

doubleginplease · 31/05/2016 19:41

My FIL has a son that nobody knows about. We only know because his mother came to my husbands workplace as his patient (He's a GP) with the said child and later wrote to my DH telling him that she was his sister.

DH told his DB and they agreed to keep quiet about it so not to rock the boat (this was before i met him) MIL and FIL divorced years ago and FIL has remarried a much younger woman and has since had 2 DC.

doubleginplease · 31/05/2016 19:41

he was his brother. Sorry eating a biscuit at the same time!

doubleginplease · 31/05/2016 19:43

Sorry drifting away from the point, as far as lies go its a big one. It would be a deal breaker for me sorry. What else has he lied about?

NameChange30 · 31/05/2016 19:43

I wonder if he's had unprotected sex with other women and has other children that he (or just you) doesn't know about.

cariboo · 31/05/2016 19:44

I think you should take time to cool down and consider the situation more calmly. Obviously your trust is shattered but what does your husband say in his defence? Why did he deceive you? Is he upset?

He IS the person you married but this is an aspect of his personality you weren't previously aware of. I'm not trying to defend him but you must love each other still, even though you're now so hurt and angry it doesn't feel that way.

GabsAlot · 31/05/2016 19:48

the csa wouldnt write to you though if u never contacted them in the first place

theres something else hes not telling you

and to be honest hes not a father hes a sperm donor

BeckyMcDonald · 31/05/2016 19:58

That story about sleeping with the woman and her getting pregnant twice sounds like complete and utter bullshit. I would not want to be with such a liar.

KC225 · 31/05/2016 19:58

It must be truly shocking to have discovered this, you have my sympathies. Does he know how you feel? Is he aware you are planning to leave him? What if he agreed to meeting or having contact with the children? His behaviour to them has been awful but if he's been paying maintenance then maybe with your help he could attempt to build bridges. I'm saying it would be easy for you or them but maybe worth a try IF you could forgive him for lying.

KC225 · 31/05/2016 20:00

I am NOT saying it would be easy
Fat phone fingers

ImperialBlether · 31/05/2016 20:01

If they didn't go through CSA, why are they writing to him now? I think you'll find there's plenty he's kept from you.

Both of them were so irresponsible to have unprotected sex a couple of years after having a baby he had nothing to do with.

FrancisdeSales · 31/05/2016 20:02

Why does the OP have to be the adult and encourage him to see his own children? Sounds like trying to enabler a loser

Original poster
Chele72 · 31/05/2016 20:03

I don't think it would be fair for him to try to meet his children now. How confusing will that be for them? How could he explain that he didn't want them and still doesn't?!
He doesn't want contact with them. They don't exist in his eyes!
I can't understand that!
I feel
Sorry for the kids when they do find out the truth!

OP posts:
Original poster
Chele72 · 31/05/2016 20:04

I will do nothing to help him sort this out! It's his mess, he should deal with it!

OP posts:
DoopDoopBiscuit · 31/05/2016 20:04

Does he know the children are definitely his? Sorry if I'm speaking out of line but the chances of her getting pregnant by him the second time when it was a one night stand must be slim. Seems convenient that the mother of the children doesn't want him to see them yet wants to take his money.

Original poster
Chele72 · 31/05/2016 20:04

Could I contact the CSA?

OP posts: