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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that I can't forgive my husband for not telling me he has two kids?!

337 replies

Chele72 · 31/05/2016 17:53

Ok so I got married on 01.08.15. Beautiful wedding day. We had been together for 4 years so I thought I knew him inside and out!
How wrong was I!
6 months into the marriage, I found a letter from the CSA addressed to him with the names and date of births of his 12 year old son and 10 year old daughter that he had kept a secret from me!
His whole family know but none of them including my husband have any contact with them, he just pays the mother £500 directly from his wages every month!
I found this out at the end of February and still can't talk to him!
I've told him I hate him and his family for not telling me!
I asked him whEn we first met if he had kids as I have a 20 year old son, 25 year old daughter and a 1 year old granddaughter so more children would not have been a problem as I am stepmum to 3 children from my children's father!
The fact that he lied and that he has nothing to do with them and doesn't ever want contact has really annoyed me and he is not the same pErson I fell in love with!
I really hate him now and am on the verge of a divorce! I have to wait until we have been married for a year first though!

OP posts:
purplefox · 02/06/2016 14:31

Don't try and contact the mother, this is not her problem, he chose to have nothing to do with the children, leave her out of your mess. Your marriage is over because of his lies, why then disrupt the lives of 3 others, two of which are children?

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 02/06/2016 15:14

FlowersCakeWineWineWine

AliceInUnderpants · 02/06/2016 16:31

OP I really think you are doing the right thing. You know you could never trust him again and his behaviour since you discovered his secret has been disgusting. I wish you and your children and granddaughter all the best Flowers

Bambambini · 02/06/2016 16:57

Yes, if you've decided it's over due to him lying and nit being interested in hus children then there is nothing to be gained from contacting the mother of these children.

GloopyGhoul · 02/06/2016 17:05

My daughter's father has never met her. I'm not sure I'd be too thrilled with any partner of his getting in touch to involve me in their relationship problems.

Buzzardbird · 02/06/2016 17:25

Chele you are an amazing, strong woman. I admire your strong principles.

I wish you good luck and wonder whether he will spill (the full story of how she 'tricked him' into sleeping with her after she pinpricked the condom) in a last minute attempt to save his marriage.

BoatyMcBoat · 02/06/2016 19:32

Chele, I'm sorry. Flowers

You are better off shot of the lot of them.

wombattoo · 02/06/2016 20:12

The lying would be the deal breaker for me but I don't understand the facts - the son is 12 and the daughter is 10 but you said
The second time was NOT a one night stand.
He was in a relationship with her until she gave birth to the son.
He said he tried to bond with his son for 6 months then gave up.
He met her again at a party, had sex with her which I don't understand why because they hated each other then he never saw them again!
So was the daughter conceived on this one night stand?
You saw the letter from the CSA but how did you know he was paying £500 per month directly from his bank account?

Original poster
Chele72 · 03/06/2016 12:19

Wombattoo He was in a relationship with her when their son was born. he left 6 months after he was born,
He met her at a party, both drunk apparently and had sex with her resulting in a little girl. The daughter was the result of a one night stand not the son.
He told me he was paying £500 directly from his bank account.
How else would I have known?

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 03/06/2016 12:54

Pedantic wording question... Is it a ONS when you know the person? I wouldn't call casual sex with an ex or friend a ONS... I think of ONS as being with someone you've only just met and don't see again.

purplefox · 03/06/2016 13:27

Did he move out yesterday?

Original poster
Chele72 · 03/06/2016 14:30

purplefox Yes he did and we have a relate counselling session booked for tomorrow.

OP posts:
Janecc · 03/06/2016 14:38

Good perhaps they'll get him to talk. Good luck Flowers

wombattoo · 03/06/2016 17:42

Thank you for the explanation Chele
Good luck Thanks

BoatyMcBoat · 03/06/2016 18:14

Good luck Chele. Do come back and let us know how the counselling goes. TBH, I'm not clear about why you would do it, but I know it's easy for me to say that.

Do be aware that you do not have to stay with him, or make up with him, if you don't want to. Do not allow yourself to be persuaded into giving it another go or whatever. IMO, you need a good amount of time to consider your options without being pressured one way or the other.

H0LDTHED00R · 04/06/2016 15:32
  1. LTB... I'm with the majority on that one because he lied and manipulated Chile but only because of the lies. I said before he's a weasel and the suicide threats show how selfish and fragile this guy is.
  1. Absenteeism... I'm with Selene she seems like one of the few mature and sensible posters, children are a life long commitment with a minimum of 18 years. It's highly immature and fanciful to think every man should take care of their kids. Even OP doesn't know the circumstances, and if they divorce it'll be none of her business either.
NameChange30 · 04/06/2016 22:20

"she seems like one of the few mature and sensible posters"

Wow, way to insult all the other people who have taken the time to post on this thread! Hmm

Kidnapped · 04/06/2016 22:30

AnotherEmma,

I read that as a spot of sarcasm: "It's highly immature and fanciful to think every man should take care of their kids".

I could be wrong of course. Maybe H0LDTHED00R really does think it is okay, expected even, for men to abandon their children. But not for women who need to abide by the 18 year minimum commitment.

H0LDTHED00R · 05/06/2016 07:02

In a perfect world every adult would take perfect care of their child. In reality a lot of people either can't take care of children or won't take care of children. And the argument that you shouldn't have sex is practically ridiculous. Women who want to have sex but aren't ready for parenthood have a range of contraceptive choices including the option of abortion, men do not. Imagine a hypothetical situation where fathers had the right to 'veto' abortions and then force mum's to be part of the child's life. Sounds abhorrent doesn't it?

pearlylum · 05/06/2016 07:06

H0LDTHED00R I disagree. When an adult chooses to have sex there is always a risk of parenthood.
Tough but part of life.

H0LDTHED00R · 05/06/2016 07:24

You're entitled to your opinion. But these days when an adult chooses to have unprotected sex they always have a 'choice'.

Tough but a part of modern life.

nooka · 05/06/2016 07:47

Men who have unprotected sex do not have a choice about what happens next. Biology will do whatever it feels like and the mother may choose to take action. Or not as the case may be.

Reproduction isn't 'fair'. Women run all the risks and take all the consequences of pregnancy and childbirth. Men may find that matters are out of their control. These things aren't secrets however and all men surely know that if they have unprotected sex (and sometimes even if they do wear a condom) a baby might be the consequence.

Children deserve to have two parents to care and provide for them. That some men walk away (and occasionally some women too) makes them shitty individuals. It's not fanciful to think that they shouldn't do so.

Kidnapped · 05/06/2016 08:50

Oh, it wasn't sarcasm.

NameChange30 · 05/06/2016 09:11

Well said nooka, I agree.

Kidnapped, no need to insult people you disagree with.

Kidnapped · 05/06/2016 09:30

AnotherEmma, I wasn't being insulting at all.

I initially read H0LDTHED00R's post as being sarcastic with the "It's highly immature and fanciful to think every man should take care of their kids" statement.

I didn't realise H0LDTHED00R was being serious. A genuine mistake on my part.