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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that I can't forgive my husband for not telling me he has two kids?!

337 replies

Chele72 · 31/05/2016 17:53

Ok so I got married on 01.08.15. Beautiful wedding day. We had been together for 4 years so I thought I knew him inside and out!
How wrong was I!
6 months into the marriage, I found a letter from the CSA addressed to him with the names and date of births of his 12 year old son and 10 year old daughter that he had kept a secret from me!
His whole family know but none of them including my husband have any contact with them, he just pays the mother £500 directly from his wages every month!
I found this out at the end of February and still can't talk to him!
I've told him I hate him and his family for not telling me!
I asked him whEn we first met if he had kids as I have a 20 year old son, 25 year old daughter and a 1 year old granddaughter so more children would not have been a problem as I am stepmum to 3 children from my children's father!
The fact that he lied and that he has nothing to do with them and doesn't ever want contact has really annoyed me and he is not the same pErson I fell in love with!
I really hate him now and am on the verge of a divorce! I have to wait until we have been married for a year first though!

OP posts:
CraftyPenguin · 31/05/2016 21:23

YANBU to consider divorce. I'd be wondering what else he's lying about!

starry0ne · 31/05/2016 21:28

When I read you op I was going to go against the grain and say it is very easy for people to say leave the more I read the more I don't think I would be able to stay.

My Best guess on the csa is that it has been transferred to CMS.. He is going to private payment and therefore this would make him look more caring.

I sadly think the more you post the more you don't know about this man.

VickyRsuperstar · 31/05/2016 21:28

Quote "He's not a lovely man, he doesn't want to see his kids. It's not "painful" for him - it's his choice. Didn't you read the OP's posts?!"

I was quoting what the OP wrote somewhere in this thread about him...and I missed that it was his choice as these threads get very confusing to follow all the replies from the original poster - I think the OP posts should be highlighted so we can follow the thread properly. Other posts did get posted in between me writing and actually posting too as I got called away with the kids.

It doesn't mean he is a bad person though. We are going through a family thing at the moment, meeting relatives that we didn't know about because my long deceased grandad had children from another marriage that he left behind (outside the UK) My mother knows my grandad as a loving, kind father and a really good man, yet we have all the unanswered questions as why would he leave behind his children from a previous marriage, never mention them or have any contact and not a good father to them? We have no answers and I cannot fathom ever abandoning my children for any reason so it's confusing.

All I was saying is that if it was me, then I would be angry and shocked, but I would also try counselling first to see if there is anything that could be salvaged. It's all very sad and I feel very sorry for the OP and the kids involved.

Salene · 31/05/2016 21:31

So he has two flings with this woman and fathered these children

He didn't want kids but she did I assume

Had she not wanted the kids and he did but she chose to have a abortion there would be nothing he could of done about it

They as the parents decided due to him not wanting children it would be better if he had no contact with these children but he would finically support them

How would you feel if he had given kids up for adoption..? Would you hate him then.?

It seems like he has done the right by the mother as he helps pay for them but has left her to bring them up

For all you know these two children are perfectly happy calling another man dad

He didn't tell you as in his eyes he has no children , which in some respect is true. He was nothing but a spark donar

I think your being over the top to divorce him when you were up untill you found this out perfectly happy with him. He hasn't done anything wrong to you, just because you couldn't have children out there and not see them don't mean he is a bad person

He came to a agreement with the mother and it's their business and only their business,

I think you are over reacting

Salene · 31/05/2016 21:32

Sperm not spark

NameChange30 · 31/05/2016 21:36

"I think the OP posts should be highlighted so we can follow the thread properly."

It is possible to change your settings so the OP's posts are highlighted. I think you have to go on the full site to change the settings, but then it works on the mobile site as well. (Not sure about the app as I don't use it!)

DoopDoopBiscuit · 31/05/2016 21:37

Vicky you can change your settings so the op posts are highlighted if you'd like to

dodobookends · 31/05/2016 21:49

If the letter you opened was from the CSA but he isn't paying via them, how did you find out that he is paying £500 a month?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 31/05/2016 22:00

Totally passive man. He doesn't like to argue, fight or talk about anything! Urgh. I bet he was a bloody useless partner and she kicked him out. Or he was playing away when it all got a bit too real what with nappies and sleepless nights and all.

Drunken sex one year later that resulted in a pregnancy. Pull the other one.

Does he pull his weight domestically with you?

LaBelleOtero · 31/05/2016 22:04

Over reacting?! The OP, who not only has her own children but is also still actively a stepmother to her ex's three dc's has found out that not only did her DH keep two dc's a secret from her, but that he doesn't give a shit about knowing them (however much some of you are desperately scrabbling to come up with reasons for that.)

And was the OP perfectly happy with him? He comes across as a bit of a soggy flannel from her posts.

Kidnapped · 31/05/2016 22:18

It seems like he is finally being honest. If we believe him:

He saw his son for 6 months, but didn't feel anything towards him so he abandoned him.

Hooked up with the mother again one time, has never met his daughter and doesn't want to.

Those are the facts. He doesn't find any of that painful - he just wants it to go away. If he had his way, the OP would still be ignorant about it.

Those poor bloody children.

BoatyMcBoat · 31/05/2016 22:22

Salene, he is the same person but he has deliberately lied to her for his own selfish gain, with no concern about Chele at all. What if one of his children tracked him down and turned up at the house, while only Chele was in? He has colluded with his family to keep Chele in the dark. Lied by ommission and commission. Do you really think she can trust him after that? If you can lie so easily about something so important, what can you lie about (hint: quite a lot).

Even if he hadn't lied so well and for so long, even if she believes that trust can be regained, what sort of man behaves like that? Fathers two children, neither of whom he has any interest in. Just pay the money and forget them. They are PEOPLE, real people.

Theoretician · 31/05/2016 22:41

He has no feelings for them at all. He has no contact and doesn't ever want any!
What sort of man is that?!

The argument for him being a monster is circular. You gain feelings by bonding, which requires contact, which for men happens after birth. If there was never any contact, no feelings develop, the absence of feelings is not a sign of some mental or moral deficit.

As far as those children are concerned he is a sperm donor who pays child support. He has never been a father, it's illogical therefore to see him as a defective father.

228agreenend · 31/05/2016 22:44

What struck me from the op was that £500 was going out of his account and you never noticed. That's a lot of money. Did you never question where these regular payments were going?

Maybe he never told you because he considered it his past.as Selene says, he has come to an arrangement with the children's mother, which he is honouring. Maybe he/they decided that it was best if he stayed out of the children's lives so that is what he has done.

I think hate is a strong emotion in this situation. He has omitted something from the past, for whatever reason, but to say you hate him and his family is a bit OTT.

If you

LindyHemming · 31/05/2016 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

228agreenend · 31/05/2016 22:54

Sorry, missed that.

Original poster
Chele72 · 31/05/2016 23:01

How can anyone think that it's ok what he's done?! Salene, how can you say this is none of my business? His and the mothers only?!
He is my husband and that is our money and more importantly, they are his children which legally means they are my step children who he wants nothing to do with!
It beats me how you can say that he is doing the right thing!!!Angry

OP posts:
TwirlsInTwirlsOutAgain · 31/05/2016 23:12

I can't imagine marrying someone who would hide the fact they had children.
Seriously, you're better off out of there.

ProteusRising · 31/05/2016 23:23

divorce divorce divorce

Sorry OP x

A11TheSmallTh1ngs · 31/05/2016 23:23

OP: you are a goddamn LEGEND! Good on you for actually living by your values! So many people say things are dealbreakers or unacceptable but then as soon as the situation actually occurs, they decide that they can live with it! They don't live by their values but you do! And that's rare in life - don't lose it!

Your husband is a disgusting scumbag and you are 100% right to divorce him!

FreeFromHarm · 31/05/2016 23:33

I feel for you, it's the reasons why he doesn't want contact with his children that would bother me.... There must be more to his deceit , he is hiding the real reason like they do with the " I didn't want to lose you act' ... Sickening .
Go with your gut instinct , I wish I did xx

GabsAlot · 31/05/2016 23:39

i wouldnt say its none of your business of coure it is but legally those children have nothing to do with you-emotionally thats another thing

some men just dont connect with children

what was wrong was lieing about it

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 31/05/2016 23:45

Wow. This is pretty big. Definitely speak to a solicitor to clarify your rights, here.

Salene if he didn't want to be a father, he should have either worn a fucking condom or kept his dick to himself.

Canyouforgiveher · 01/06/2016 01:08

*some men just dont connect with children

what was wrong was lieing about it*

No.

Lying about it was wrong.

"Not connecting with" (as in ignoring for their entire lives) your children is very very wrong.

Some women could cheerfully stay with a man who has effectively emotionally abandoned his own flesh and blood (presumably because some men - the little dears-don't connect with their children). but the OP, from her response is not one of them. Good for her.

Newmanwannabe · 01/06/2016 03:17

What an awful situation. Good you for standing up for your principles. Do you think the mother of the children has treated him like a sperm donor though, and has not fascilitated a relationship with him and the children. It all sounds bizzare. Hopefully you can find out her side of the story as well.

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