AIBU that I can't forgive my husband for not telling me he has two kids?!

[Chele72]

Ok so I got married on 01.08.15. Beautiful wedding day. We had been together for 4 years so I thought I knew him inside and out!
How wrong was I!
6 months into the marriage, I found a letter from the CSA addressed to him with the names and date of births of his 12 year old son and 10 year old daughter that he had kept a secret from me!
His whole family know but none of them including my husband have any contact with them, he just pays the mother £500 directly from his wages every month!
I found this out at the end of February and still can't talk to him!
I've told him I hate him and his family for not telling me!
I asked him whEn we first met if he had kids as I have a 20 year old son, 25 year old daughter and a 1 year old granddaughter so more children would not have been a problem as I am stepmum to 3 children from my children's father!
The fact that he lied and that he has nothing to do with them and doesn't ever want contact has really annoyed me and he is not the same pErson I fell in love with!
I really hate him now and am on the verge of a divorce! I have to wait until we have been married for a year first though!

I can understand that a woman may want the man to walk away because they would be a crap dad but I don't understand how my husband could do that!
That is the hurtful thing here. Those two children being abandoned and completely forgotten about with none of the family wanting anything to do with them!
My family values are the complete opposite!
They do not deserve my husband it his family to be in their lives and I hope they have a lovely life- not that he or his family care one bit!
I would put up with anything to keep in touch with my kids no matter what!

Going against the grain here but perhaps the woman wanted children and he agreed to be a 'sperm donar' and it was agreed that he wouldn't contact them but does pay for them because the CSA got involved.

You need to sit down and talk to him.

Baconyum I'm 37 so not exactly young I just don't like to jump in and encourage someone to end a relationship without knowing the full story which of course isn't possible over the Internet to a stranger. I don't relish in other people's misery and I know when upset people can make rash decisions they later regret so all I have said is why dosent the OP try and work through the issues and get the full story before deciding what to do, instead of jumping in shouting divorce the bastard as loudly as possible on her thread.

So I'd not class myself as nieve but slightly more level headed than some.

Oh and today he texted me saying he might aswell top himself as noone would give a shit anyway!
I told him he's bloody selfish!
He just wants me to forget about it all and fee sorry for him but I don't!

Ugh what a manipulative twat

He was not a sperm donor. They were in. Relationship. He is not the one to feel sorry for here. He told me he didn't want them and that he made a mistake.

Salene, I never jumped in and shouted divorce. Do you not think I'm trying all I can?

Anotheremma, me or him?

Him obviously! Talking about suicide, it's a classic.

Hello.... He still lied and covered it up. End of

I thought I'd made it pretty clear whose side I was on (yours), sorry if I hadn't!

Hello.... He still lied and covered it up from OP.

End of

Oh yeh I know he is anotherema!

Haha thanks anotheremma

Chele72 my comment wasn't aimed at you I appreciate you are in a very difficult position at the moment and basically your world has been turned upside down, and you have my sympathy I would hate to be in your shoes right now, my main point is just don't do anything to quickly. Take time to decide your future.

My comment was at some other who just shout divorce him divorce him, but I'm assuming untill this you were perfectly happy so it must be so hard for you.

Anyway I wish you all the best. I doubt there is anymore I can add that's of benefit to your thread so will leave it at that.

Thank you salene. I've not jumped into anything as I've known for 3 months and haven't kicked him out yet.

Just to get out out the way - "men think differently' bullshit! Men think and feel the same as women just SOME men are arses (just as some women are).

Amen Baconyum

One common theme I notice about MN is that a lot of people are quick to always say get divorced, leave him etc....No wonder divorce rates are on the increase

Yes, women and their pesky freedom these days! Imagine, some of them even seek counsel from other women. I am aghast.

GabsAlot Wed 01-Jun-16 13:00:04
so nancy why would that be his fault if theyre lied to about their father?

Because if he was in their lives, it would be impossible to pass off a stapfather as their biological father.

FFS, some people here are being pretty dense. Having 2 kids he doesn't see may or may not have been a dealbreaker - the OP knows where she would draw her own personal line on that, depending on the circumstances leading to him not seeing them. The reasons why he has no contact are pretty much irrelevant in this case because the OP was never in a position to decide whether or not she was comfortable with his situation as an absentee father because the twat fucking lied about the existence of his children, over and over again.

today he texted me saying he might aswell top himself as noone would give a shit anyway!

If this is his MO when things get tricky, you might have found your reason why there is no contact.

Still doesn't excuse the dishonesty.

In fact, I'm wondering if there's a huge backstory which is the reason why he's being so secretive.

That's exactly how I feel, like I'm not being told the full or truthful story!
He's just gone to see his mummy coz he feels depressed!
Shouldn't have lied and denied his kids then he would be fine!
No sympathy!

OP, apologies if this has already been covered and I've missed it, but when you say he pays CM direct from his pay, do you mean it doesn't even hit his bank account? It's deducted at source like tax, Pension, NI?

If that is the case, he has probably been taken to court for non payment and has an attachment of earning order which means he couldn't just stop paying it to see if that resulted in contact.

I totally understand where you are coming from. I think this would destroy my trust.

No it goes into his account but I've never had access to it to notice it leaving

like someone said how do u now he wasnt tricked into it

Ha.

That's exactly what my ex accused me of

I had tricked him to try and trap him. I was mean and evil and a bitch.

I imagine, should his wife ever find out about our DD, that's the exact bullshit he'll spew out.

I can't believe I'm on Mumsnet with some of the stuff I'm reading lately.