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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that I can't forgive my husband for not telling me he has two kids?!

337 replies

Chele72 · 31/05/2016 17:53

Ok so I got married on 01.08.15. Beautiful wedding day. We had been together for 4 years so I thought I knew him inside and out!
How wrong was I!
6 months into the marriage, I found a letter from the CSA addressed to him with the names and date of births of his 12 year old son and 10 year old daughter that he had kept a secret from me!
His whole family know but none of them including my husband have any contact with them, he just pays the mother £500 directly from his wages every month!
I found this out at the end of February and still can't talk to him!
I've told him I hate him and his family for not telling me!
I asked him whEn we first met if he had kids as I have a 20 year old son, 25 year old daughter and a 1 year old granddaughter so more children would not have been a problem as I am stepmum to 3 children from my children's father!
The fact that he lied and that he has nothing to do with them and doesn't ever want contact has really annoyed me and he is not the same pErson I fell in love with!
I really hate him now and am on the verge of a divorce! I have to wait until we have been married for a year first though!

OP posts:
BrianCoxReborn · 01/06/2016 21:32

Oh and as for Salene's a anecdotal evidence about children who have had no contact feeling no sense of abandonment on later years, I can think of 5 children (one being my own DD) who have known from the start about their estranged parent and who are going through (my DD)/or have been through (the other 4) massive problems with the abandonment. All from different background a and with different reasons for the relationship break down.

So anecdotally, at least, I can say that it does affect the children.

(And I have been honest, open and never slated DD's "father", we have a loving family, lots of support etc, so she has more than enough love than that prick could ever eek out of his cold, black heart)

Merd · 01/06/2016 21:37

Yy Brian - and how about the many adopted people who say they want to know more or find those biological parents they never knew?

The problem is that really deep-rooted problems often don't become apparent until someone's in their 30s or 40s or even later, even if they've been manifesting themselves for quite some time ... and even then someone has to be quite emotionally in tune with themselves and honest to identify the problems.

When it's family members and friends you're quoting as proof that "such-and-such is fine, it didn't affect so-and-so at all" you've got to be careful - you're not objective because you love them; you're not a mind-reader anyway, and beyond that there could be things going on that even they don't know about yet.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 01/06/2016 23:44

And let's not forget the genral opinion of family courts and social support services that unless a relationship would be unsafe it is always in the best interests of a child to have some form of contact with both parents

tiggytape · 01/06/2016 23:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notsure1234 · 01/06/2016 23:57

Not rtft so not sure if it's been mentioned but with regards to the letter, it probably is true that he made one payment years ago through them then made their own arrangements.

Dh recently received the same letter and he stopped paying through csa and changed to a direct payment about 4 years ago. They are just informing everyone the service has changed but it's worded badly

Original poster
Chele72 · 02/06/2016 07:19

All I keep thinking is what if those children are it happy, what if they are in an abusive family?!
He will never know or care!
One day they could find him and blame their lives ( if they're not great) on him and he would deserve it! I just hope they have lovely parents and are enjoying life!
I don't know how someone can be so uncaring and cold towards their own flesh and blood!
He really is not the person I met!
I didn't meet a liar and a father of two children!
Now he's saying he's depressed because of the state of our marriage but I really don't care! This is his own fault!

OP posts:
Chatarunga · 02/06/2016 07:23

Depressed cos he is not a Man more like.

Morsecode · 02/06/2016 07:24

It's all about him, isn't it? First he has 'no feelings' for his own children so won't see them, now he is 'depressed' because you have called him out on it. Has he ever cared about anyone at all? The sooner you get rid, the better IMO.

Original poster
Chele72 · 02/06/2016 07:31

It is all about him now!
selfish little 'man' and I use the word man loosely!

OP posts:
Janecc · 02/06/2016 08:00

Dh and I used to know a man, who divorced and never saw his children again. They were primary school age at the time. I never looked at him the same way again. They were a strange group though. One woman had had several abortions because she didn't want a baby at the time. She even had an abortion whilst married to the husband she went on to have 2 children with him. Another 2 women were involved long term with married men - for one of the it was her second married man. All very baffling.

I really can understand why you are unable to get past this. Especially as he is completely shut down. At least if you argued, he could give you an explanation that you may be satisfied with or perhaps let you help him connect with them - if you were willing. He does at least have a moral compass and is paying for the children even though he doesn't know for sure if the second child is his.

NameChange30 · 02/06/2016 08:06

"One woman had had several abortions because she didn't want a baby at the time. She even had an abortion whilst married to the husband she went on to have 2 children with him."

So what?
I don't see anything wrong with a woman having an abortion if she's not ready to have a child.
Her body, her choice.

(Sorry for slight derail!)

Hellothereitsme · 02/06/2016 08:07

At least he is paying CM unlike a lot of ex parents. F he isn't on the youngest birth certificate then legally he doesn't have to pay as he isn't the named father. So there are some morals there at least.

NameChange30 · 02/06/2016 08:08

"F he isn't on the youngest birth certificate then legally he doesn't have to pay as he isn't the named father."

Not true. Fathers have to pay whether they're on the birth certificate or not. If they want to prove they're not the father, they can do a DNA test.

Let's not pretend he's doing the "moral" thing. He's doing the legal minimum.

FetchezLaVache · 02/06/2016 08:09

Chele, there's just one thing I don't understand... You found this out a few months ago, I gather. You sound like you really loathe and despise this man (not unreasonably!) and you sound really fucking angry. Yet you're still with him and you've not really talked about it. So what's the situation, day to day? Are you putting a brave face on it and asking each other to pass the toast at the breakfast table? Why are you still with him if you hate him so much?

Original poster
Chele72 · 02/06/2016 08:12

I don't believe he has morals. I believe hes just paying hush money!
He has the attitude that if you throw money at it, it will go away!
This is what has happened all these years until now!
She probably made him pay the child maintenance to be honest as I cant see him paying for something that he denies or has no feelings for.
Its all for a quiet life with him!

OP posts:
Drinksforeveryone · 02/06/2016 08:20

I don't think I could stay with a liar.

He had chance to be honest about his past. He chose not to.

Sad
Original poster
Chele72 · 02/06/2016 08:21

FetchezLaVache- Yes I am really angry!
I have told him over and over again that I cant work past this without talking and finding out absolutely everything but he has done nothing!
He thinks that being in the same house as me is proving how much he loves me!
What a load of crap!
I put on a brave face and try not to cause a huge atmosphere as my grown up kids and granddaughter live with me also but he skulks about like the world has ended because our marriage is in tatters!
I have had enough and have told him so but I think I will actually have to pack his bags for him to get him out as this is clearly not working at all!
I even sent him the link for Relate counselling yesterday and told him that he should be the one to be searching for ways to save the marriage, not me but all he texted back was....Theres one in Westminster open til 10pm.
I will wait until tomorrow to see if he books a session, if not then he can fuck right off!
I just cant stand this anymore!
:Lies, I could deal with but to deny the existence of your own children> Definitely not!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Chele72 · 02/06/2016 08:23

Some of my friends have said to stay with him and get what you can out of him but Im not like that. I cant stay in a relationship for money and material things.
I have my own job and earn decent wages, I have always been independent so don't need someone else to support me.
We have no children together so there are no ties...thankfully!

OP posts:
Janecc · 02/06/2016 08:27

AnotherEmma yes it is although very distressing when you're sat there telling her you have been trying for years to conceive and are childless. Doing it is one thing. Telling a woman, who is not childless by choice is another.

Original poster
Chele72 · 02/06/2016 08:29

I thought I would give him the chance to try to make our marriage work as we have both never been married before and our marriage is still so new but he hasn't done a thing! Ive given him 3 months to try to sort it out and that's enough!
Im not jumping to any rash decisions, I just cant live like this anymore.
its horrible going home every night knowing that idiot is there and that he has a fantastic bond with our granddaughter but not his own children!
He said that he never ever wanted to be a father and just could not get a bond with his son. He only tried a few times in the first 6 months of his life....to me that was definitely not enough and he took the easy option of walking away and never trying again!
He should have worn something and to be honest she must have been an idiot to sleep with him again after he disowned his son with her!

OP posts:
Original poster
Chele72 · 02/06/2016 08:32

Youre right Anotheremma
I have children so there would not have been a problem with him admitting he had two!
I dread to think how devastated Id be if we were trying for a baby!
Bastard!

OP posts:
Original poster
Chele72 · 02/06/2016 08:33

Sorry Janecc I meant you! :)

OP posts:
Flak32016 · 02/06/2016 08:38

To not tell you about his children

I can see why you are upset

It would be a deal breaker

Janecc · 02/06/2016 08:44

I can imagine you really feel like you're bashing your head against a brick wall. Especially if you think she forced him - and not a moral issue.

Thanks Chele. I'm mummy to one very beautiful 7 yr old. Ivf baby. So I did get what I wanted in the end.

My point was its hard to understand what some people think. Sorry it was all a bit of a derail though. Smile

NameChange30 · 02/06/2016 08:48

Janecc I'm so glad you have a child now Smile Now you've explained it I understand a bit better, but I think it was wrong of her to be insensitive in talking about her abortions when you were telling her about your problems conceiving, but not wrong to get the abortions in the first place. However I do understand it must be very difficult to even think about abortions when you're struggling to conceive Flowers

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