AIBU that I can't forgive my husband for not telling me he has two kids?!

[Chele72]

Ok so I got married on 01.08.15. Beautiful wedding day. We had been together for 4 years so I thought I knew him inside and out!
How wrong was I!
6 months into the marriage, I found a letter from the CSA addressed to him with the names and date of births of his 12 year old son and 10 year old daughter that he had kept a secret from me!
His whole family know but none of them including my husband have any contact with them, he just pays the mother £500 directly from his wages every month!
I found this out at the end of February and still can't talk to him!
I've told him I hate him and his family for not telling me!
I asked him whEn we first met if he had kids as I have a 20 year old son, 25 year old daughter and a 1 year old granddaughter so more children would not have been a problem as I am stepmum to 3 children from my children's father!
The fact that he lied and that he has nothing to do with them and doesn't ever want contact has really annoyed me and he is not the same pErson I fell in love with!
I really hate him now and am on the verge of a divorce! I have to wait until we have been married for a year first though!

You are absolutely right op, he has shown his true self which is not the man you chose to marry. He has done nothing for three months to try and work any of it out. You have been more than fair, I would be sending him packing.

I don't believe the one stand thing with the daughter either, realistically what are the chances? I think it's much more likely that he strung this woman along for years then bailed completely when she got pregnant again.

I suspect my ex's new partner has no idea about our three children either, I'm sure she thinks he is a great bloke . Unfortunately there are some men who are just able to completely switch off and compartmentalise, not an attractive trait at all.

Good luck to you op, you have raised your kids by yourself and developed an independent life for yourself, with good morals. You deserve much more than this excuse for a man.

Excellent Janecc x

Good luck, Chele, and well done for not making any rash decisions, as some posters seem to think you are doing. You're right, you can't get past this if he's not prepared to face it. Is he just in denial, or does he genuinely not think he's done anything wrong?

Thanks Chele thanks Emma. yes I should have explained myself better.

Chele

You say you know her name but not her face - but he does, get him to point her out on FB. If he has told you the truth and you want to confirm this - then surely he won't mind you contacting her for her side. Doesn't he know her home town, parents, siblings etc.

Him not knowing how to contact her just sounds lame.

Banbambini I know her name yes and have searched FB and showed him pics of who it may be but he says no its not her!
I don't think he will admit who she is as he doesn't want me to contact her, which I most definitely would.
He said he knows nothing!!!

He doesn't know nothing. And he won't tell you the complete truth because it paints him in an even worse light if that is possible.

He's had 3 months to temporarily stop the money (just in order to see if she will contact him), hire a private detective to find her, book counselling for him and OP, talk to the OP.

He's been stonewalling, evading and refusing to answer the OP's questions.

Can you ask his family? Wouldn't surprise me if one of them is in contact with the children without him knowing. I cannot believe a whole group of people have made the decision to ignore two children.

Op- you sound like a wonderful person.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong.

your dh lied quite blatantly. For all you know they could have been in a long term relationship.

A similar thing happened to a friend of mine. She divorced him as she couldn't get past the deceit.
Turns out he has other dc too.

Good luck, protect ypurself and seek legal advice.

I have just texted his mother to ask if she has an address or contact number for the childrens mother.
She is the only person I haven't asked so far so its her turn now!
Im sure she wont answer though as she is the same...bury your head and it will go away!!!

Good on you! What about you "DH"'s siblings/friends. Would they know?

Well done. I bet she knows where they live.

She has just texted me back saying I am dabbling in areas that I know very little about and I should leave it alone!
I have just sent the text on to the husband asking me what Im not being told and to be out of my house before I get home from work!

It's possible she doesn't, though. If he can stonewall his wife as he is doing, he could well have practised on his family and friends. If the mother moved away with the two babes, he could very easily pretend to everyone that he has no idea where she went.

If you get no joy from any of his family or friends, then certainly a private investigator would be able to find her. The fact that your h is doing the bare minimum to help you discover the truth indicates to you that there is at least one more big fat lie that you still don't know about.

He may well come out with the line that you don't trust him; your answer, obviously, is that you have little reason to.

I hope mil comes up trumps for you. She may be more persuadable face to face.

Wow! I'm not surprised you're at the end of your tether. Hang in there!

The whole problem is that you do know very little about it but like hell are you not going to dabble in such enormous secrets that your husband is keeping from you.

The great thing about divorce is that you can get shot of the whole fucking dysfunctional family in one go.

"Dear MIL, the fact that I know very little about this particular area is the very reason I'm dabbling in it. I will find the mother of his children with or without your help. Chele."

She wont tell me anything neither will the husband or his brother which is why I want out of this marriage!
I can not put up with this crap any longer!
Bloody weird nasty family!

Does she realise this may end your marriage? She may be more forthcoming if she realises it's the lies rather than the children that are a problem

Ive told her our marriage is in bits because of this but she has not replied!

The marriage is over!

"The great thing about divorce is that you can get shot of the whole fucking dysfunctional family in one go."

Ha, well said!

I don't think it's worth persisting with his mother. It's actually none of her business. It's his secret to share, and if he refuses to, the marriage is over. So there's not much point in the OP contacting the ex anyway - it might satisfy her curiosity but it wouldn't change the outcome.

Cross posts. It's not up to your MIL to save the marriage, it's up to your husband - but he's done fuck all.

Let it go, OP.

You don't know everything but you know enough. He and his family clearly turned their backs on their own flesh and blood (his kids). They certainly won't flinch at watching your marriage crash and burn.

The bright side is that divorce means never having to deal with them again either.

AnotherEmma. you are right again. Im not bothering to ask his family anything else, its not worth it!
I would like to know what more there is to this though but maybe I will never find out.
I give. Its exhausting! I didn't marry this person Ive been living with. He is someone else that I don't recognise.
Hopefully he will leave before I get home as I've requested then I'll never hear from him again because the easiest option for him is to completely block people out then they don't exist!!!
What a waste of money, time, tears etc on 9 stupid months of a marriage!
Never again! I would rather be single and happy!