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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that I can't forgive my husband for not telling me he has two kids?!

337 replies

Chele72 · 31/05/2016 17:53

Ok so I got married on 01.08.15. Beautiful wedding day. We had been together for 4 years so I thought I knew him inside and out!
How wrong was I!
6 months into the marriage, I found a letter from the CSA addressed to him with the names and date of births of his 12 year old son and 10 year old daughter that he had kept a secret from me!
His whole family know but none of them including my husband have any contact with them, he just pays the mother £500 directly from his wages every month!
I found this out at the end of February and still can't talk to him!
I've told him I hate him and his family for not telling me!
I asked him whEn we first met if he had kids as I have a 20 year old son, 25 year old daughter and a 1 year old granddaughter so more children would not have been a problem as I am stepmum to 3 children from my children's father!
The fact that he lied and that he has nothing to do with them and doesn't ever want contact has really annoyed me and he is not the same pErson I fell in love with!
I really hate him now and am on the verge of a divorce! I have to wait until we have been married for a year first though!

OP posts:
YoureSoSlyButSoAmI · 01/06/2016 13:38

YANBU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

expatinscotland · 01/06/2016 13:41

YANBU

Salene · 01/06/2016 13:41

Well let's not use the term abandoned as we have no idea of the truth

The issue here for me would be the lying. I'm not saying I would stick by this man all I'm saying is I would try to work through it, at least entertain the idea of attending counselling etc. I would automatically run for a divorce court.

But I do agree the lying side of it is a big issue but what he has actually lied about I don't see as a huge issue without knowing the full truth, who ch is why I'd need to find the kids mother and hear her side of the story too.

PortiaCastis · 01/06/2016 13:42

I'm divorced because my ex is an alcoholic bully. My dd hasn't seen him in years, we don't know where he is and dd would like to see her father. Plus he owes me thousands in cm.
At least I dont wake up scared any more so divorce was the best thing for me. That was before I joined Mn

Salene · 01/06/2016 13:42

I wouldn't that should say

TrixieBernadette · 01/06/2016 14:13

It's not even a case of whether he wanted the children, or was tricked, or has anything to do with them.

It's the point that he lied. OP asked him whether he had children and he said no. He failed to tell her about these children, and the £500 a month for five years.

Regardless of the scenario in which they were conceived and now brought up, the lying and secret would be the deal breaker for me.

GabsAlot · 01/06/2016 14:55

thats my point trixie the li is the damaging thing not the fact that he doesnt want children as we dont know the whole story anyway

Goingtobeawesome · 01/06/2016 14:56

Lol Salene. You're not jumping to conclusions then Hmm.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/06/2016 15:04

Exactly what Trixie said. Whether the children's mother lied, played him, used him for sperm etc. isn't relevant, what IS relevant is that the OP asked him several times about children and he LIED about it each time. He could have explained it, he could have told her he had children but was prevented from seeing them, or anything - but no, he chose to LIE. Which makes him dishonest; and now, it wouldn't really matter what he said about the situation, the OP wouldn't believe him anyway, because the biggest lie of all was to deny their existence.

Canyouforgiveher · 01/06/2016 15:50

my point is that these two adults came to what appears to be a mutal agreement on what would happen with these children. If both parties are happy with the outcome who are we to critise and condem this man. Just because it's not something you would agree too don't make it wrong

well you have no idea if this is in fact the case. But even if it is the case I would not want to marry someone who could come to an agreement not to see his children and be happy with that outcome - no matter whether the mother of his children agreed with it or not.

I think abandoning children like this is wrong - morally wrong and I would think very very little of a person who could do such a thing. I certainly wouldn't marry him. I wouldn't even want to be friends with him.

The OP clearly feels the same.

This is apart from the horrible and persistent lies. God know what other secrets are out there.

Reading this thread makes me realise how easy it is for men who abandon their children find new partners happy to take them on. Clearly there are enough women out there who think this is just normal behaviour - some men just don't connect with children dontyaknow.

Original poster
Chele72 · 01/06/2016 16:03

I know for a fact that he's on his sons birth certificate but apparently he's not on his daughters.
None of it makes any sense to me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Chele72 · 01/06/2016 16:27

The second time was NOT a one night stand.
He was in a relationship with her until she gave birth to the son.
He said he tried to bond with his son for 6 months then gave up.
He met her again at a party, had sex with her which I don't understand why because they hated eachother then he never saw them again!

OP posts:
BoatyMcBoat · 01/06/2016 16:46

Why do people think you have to hear both sides? Do you do that to your friends? "Oh well, best mate, I can't possibly decide whether your husband's being unreasonabke for hitting you until I hear his side too." Is that what you do?

blushrush · 01/06/2016 16:58

So sorry to hear this OP :( YANBU for wanting a divorce - your trust has been shattered and what marriage can survive without trust?

Make a clean break, this man lied to you when there would have been no issue with telling you the truth from the start.

When you asked about children he obviously thought to himself, "I'll lie now and maybe tell her the truth later when I think I can get away with it, or maybe never, I'll see how it goes."

That's not someone you want to build a future with.

Original poster
Chele72 · 01/06/2016 17:08

I don't know how to find the mother to hear what happened.
All I know is her name.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 01/06/2016 17:15

what a ridiculous comparison boaty

of course not if i knew the personwell-no offence but i dont know op her dh or his ex

NameChange30 · 01/06/2016 17:27

"One common theme I notice about MN is that a lot of people are quick to always say get divorced, leave him etc....

No wonder divorce rates are on the increase"

I love it, now MN is single handedly responsible for the increase in divorce rates Grin

But seriously, if we are encouraging more women to divorce abusive and shitty husbands, that's a GOOD THING.

No one gets divorced because someone on the internet tells them to. They might do it sooner than they otherwise would, because of the advice and encouragement, but that's it.

Kidnapped · 01/06/2016 17:37

How does he get the money to her, OP? Is it taken out of his salary at source? Will he tell you that at least?

If he genuinely doesn't know where she lives and neither of you can find her via the internet then if he stops sending the money (just temporarily), maybe she'll get in contact with him.

It seems bloody awful on the kids that the only reason that contact is made with their mother is because his new wife wants to know what happened in the past, not because their father has any interest in them. Sad

Does it really matter what happened? His own version of events is damning enough. I get that you would like to know for your own peace of mind though.

Baconyum · 01/06/2016 17:38

Scalene you sound very young and incredibly naive.

Op has been talking to her dh and trying to work it out for months. I suspect (with the benefit of maturity, experience and knowledge of others experiences in real life) that she's posted as

A a last resort

B in need of support

As for the divorce rate, even statistical studies show that part of the reason for the increase is people (not just women) refusing to stay in miserable even abusive relationships purely to avoid the stigma of divorce which even for my generation (40's) was still an issue.

Original poster
Chele72 · 01/06/2016 17:58

He pays her directly from his wages by direct debit every 28 days.
I told him to stop the payments 3 months ago as I'm sure she would contact him somehow then maybe I could get to the bottom of this rubbish.
He has still not stopped payment! I don't want him to stop forever as those kids deserve every penny ( that's if they even get it spent on them- who knows, I don't know much) just until she gets in touch.
I just think he hasn't stopped payment through fear of confrontation from her or me speaking to her and maybe finding out more information than he's told me!

OP posts:
chorltonloveswheelies · 01/06/2016 18:02

Bravo canyouforgiveher

We are not talking about someone walking away from a spouse and covering it up, we're talking about his own children!

NameChange30 · 01/06/2016 18:04

Why did you tell him to stop the payments? He owes that money to his children.

There must be some other way of contacting her.

Original poster
Chele72 · 01/06/2016 18:06

Anotheremma, I said to stop the payments so she will contact him. Not to stop the money altogether as like I said they deserve every penny from him!
I don't know what she looks like and there are so many people out there with the same name that I'm finding it impossible to find her.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 01/06/2016 18:06

I wondered how so many new partners justified being with people who walk away from their kids now I no.
Op yanbu to think he's scum you don't wish to be involved with

chorltonloveswheelies · 01/06/2016 18:12

Needs my fathers wife was one such woman who was quite happy for him to literally to walk away from his own children