To think what DH does is not saintly?

[Loulou0]

We have a toddler and a newborn. I'm on maternity leave, DH is back at work full time. DH does the night feeds. Roughly at midnight and 3am. Our baby will then wake up around 6ish and I get up with him for the day. Toddler joins us shortly after and DH sleeps until about 8. We get the kids ready together and he leaves for work about 9. DH does his desk job all day, I look after our kids. I make dinner in the evening and DH puts our toddler to bed while I have some time to myself, I normally go for a run or have a bath etc.

This seems fair to me. Others (friends with kids, my DM) think DH is some kind of Saint and that I am 'so lucky!' And that I 'should be grateful'

Aibu to think that he's just doing his share and nothing particularly special??

(That wasn't meant to sound goady I'm genuinely interested as another person that had a quick recovery)

At 5 weeks I was bleeding like a bastard, had lady parts that resembled Mickey Rourke's* face and still sitting on frozen peas and a rubber ring.

*in The Wrestler, NOT, for example, 9 1/2 Weeks

Ah, the asterisks fucked my formatting. Hope that still make sense

ritchy crikey I feel for you I guess I really did have it easy

Obviously I am totally wrong and op is incredibly deserving of her loving husband doing the night feeds for her because it must be an absolute nightmare having a toddler at nursery 15 hours a week and a newborn who allows you to have manicures and pedicures and what not. Oh and not to forget someone to do your cleaning too.

I'm not sure why you think that refutes anything I said, though? The whole reason many of us feel postpartum women are deserving of help at night is so that it isn't a nightmare (and I think OP was needling you a bit there with that pedicure thing, you've let yourself be wound up). Although actually, her situation isn't too different from my own after my second child. My toddler was doing 8 hours a week not 15, and I had family members rather than a cleaner although if anything they did more. My dad even cooked our tea a few times. I probably could've had a pedicure too if I'd wanted one, and yet actually yes, it was still a nightmare. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, even without doing the night feeds. Granted, I was ill during the pregnancy and had an EMCS, so that's worse than average, but equally I didn't have infections or have to be readmitted or exclusively breastfeed as many other women do, so it's not an unusually bad situation.

I just don't think it's realistic to expect someone who works full time to do all the night feeds.

Even though it's clearly realistic in some scenarios? And not just dads, but plenty of women on this thread have said they were still doing night feeds when they went back to work because they ebf'd?

I mean, regardless of what you think of the whys and wherefores of the situation, it clearly is realistic because there are people who do it. The issue, then, becomes why you think women immediately postpartum shouldn't be able to have a partner who does this. I think when you mention your own guilt, that's the crux of this. You think a woman who avails herself of this rest is somehow doing something to feel guilty about. That's what I think is sad.

Querty, I am fairly sure that 25% of women end up with C-sections. I am not going to give a link to this stat, but I distinctly remember it as a statistic for hospitals in my area. Women with C-sections are not allowed to drive until 6 weeks after birth, so they are not officially recovered until 6 weeks at least. That's 25% of the new mothers not recovered at 5 weeks. Naturally, if you had a C-section, it's not going to be just about the driving, but also of heavy lifting, running, physical exertion and other fairly normal activities that you will not be able to do for quite a few weeks.

Women who don't have C-sections also often experience other debilitating things like vaginal tears that make it difficult to sit, joint problems that cause movement problems, and painful breastfeeding issues such as mastitis. If you ever visited breastfeeding forums, then you will know that breastfeeding often takes a minimum of 6 weeks to establish (i.e. actually start working smoothly, without constant pain and a screaming baby). Add to that stomach muscle separation, incontinence . . . Birth is not a walk in the park for many.

I had an entirely uncomplicated pregnancy, but the birth and subsequent breastfeeding hormones left my hip joints in such a state that I could not walk properly and was pretty much couch-bound for weeks.

So let's just cut women some slack in the weeks after a physically and emotionally grueling event. Not all of us just pop them out (I bloody wish I could).

Yeah Ritchy I didn't have any of that either maybe my fanjo was already the size of the euro tunnel

It's OK, it was only my lady parts - the rest of me was fine. And they recovered in a couple of months because I sat down a lot in those first few weeks and had a cleaner and childminder

2 x 9.5lbers + 2 x 99 centile heads + 2 x fast labours = 2 x episiotomies.

But nobody needs to earn and 'deserve' rest and support after labour - even if it was like shelling peas. It's a major thing and sometimes the problems don't manifest themselves until long afterwards. You need to be kind to yourself. It's not a medal but an acknowledgement your body has had a major shock. Even if you feel fine afterwards.

Do you have figures to support that statement?

Not sure quite what you mean here, as it's an extrapolation from our well known rates of caesarean section, severe tearing and instrumental delivery. I assume you weren't asking me what they are since you could look those up as fast as you could post?

I mean obviously, there are women who have ELCS in particular and still bounce back very quickly, but I didn't think it was particularly controversial to suggest that the sort of births I mention are less likely to result in a quick recovery? Or that we're seeing more of those than ever because the birthing population grows ever older, heavier and with more pre-existing health problems. Don't think there's much research about whether women who have eg a failed forceps delivery followed by EMCS recover on average more slowly than women who have uncomplicated VBs because it sort of goes without saying, doesn't it? That's not to discount the experiences of women who felt they got over their complex births very quickly, still less those who had 'easy' births but still felt dreadful for a long time. After all, postpartum we recover from pregnancy as well as birth. It just seems to fall under stating the bleeding obvious. No pun intended.

You think a woman who avails herself of this rest is somehow doing something to feel guilty about. That's what I think is sad.. Totally agree with this point Boner. And women who don't feel guilty are often deemed lazy, selfish, spoilt etc.

Okay, you're right and everything I've said is obviously bullshit.

I can't be arsed trying to get my point across anymore.

It's only my opinion, why can't you just accept that it is my opinion and stop trying to change my mind.

I don't care that op can have a pedicure so could I if I wanted to. That's not the point!

Yes life would be better for women if men did the night feeds. That's a given. It wouldn't necessarily work for EVERYONE

Yes it clearly works well for some couples

I would feel guilty because I like to do my fair share, I wouldn't feel I was doing it. Just like whilst on Mat leave my pay is shit and I'm uncomfortable with the fact I'm contributing (well, will be contributing) less.

I don't think that's sad.

Just to clarify - I am NOT saying that anyone should feel guilty. You absolutely should not.

I am just saying that I would feel guilty.

I do not and wild not judge anyone because they don't feel guilty.

Mummy was it you who called me a 'selfish shit?'

Maybe I feel that way because one of my parents was and still is a total lazy arse hole who didn't pull their weight at home, couldn't hold down a job and never contributed financially.

I aspire never to be that person and I think to some extent that's where my guilt comes from

No I said if it was a bloke we'd all be calling him a selfish shit.

Although I suppose that does sort of mean I was calling you one

Though I don't think you're selfish, actually.

It would be selfish if DH asked you to help with night feeds and you said no, but that isn't the case.

Who's trying to change your mind? I'm just questioning why you're saying certain things, why you think them, when you've not been able to justify them.

And if you're entitled to an opinion, others are entitled to the opinion that your view is very sad. You seem to be working from the basis that a woman who has experienced two pregnancies and births in what, three years, isn't doing her 'fair' share if she's not taking on some of the night feeds in what is for most women the recovery period. That she's taking the piss in some way. For those of us who feel that a woman's rest and recovery should be an important priority, particularly where the partner isn't in the sort of job where they need to be fully alert and night waking could be fatal, this isn't the case at all. The physical effects of pregnancy, birth and where applicable breastfeeding are things that should be factored in when you divvy up the rest hours. I am honestly not surprised that you also feel a sense of guilt about not being able to make the same financial contribution when you're on ML. Guess what, I think that's sad as well.

Mummy why do you feel guilty about not being able to contribute financially? You're on mat leave taking care of the baby which facilitates your DH going to work. If you weren't taking care of your baby then your DH would have to right?

Good lord, mummytohpm, why on earth would you feel uncomfortable with "contributing less" while on maternity leave? Is money the most important contribution one can make to a family?

Seriously, ditch the guilt. Mothers and children are just as important if not more important as men and making dosh.

This is going to go to 1000 posts of people arguing the same points over and over and neither side budging isnt it?

Boner you said that most women don't recover after 5 weeks, I just wanted to know if that was actually true or you just thought it up, no need to bite my head off

Ritchy I agree it doesn't matter how good/bad recovery is we all deserve a rest. Just some women don't have that option. My dh didn't even get paternity leave so I was on my own from day one, and he used to work 12 hour days which meant he definitly couldn't be doing night feeds back then. Thank god he slept through from 3 months! Praying for the same with this baby too..!

Mummy don't feel guilty, a human came out of your vagina. You're brilliant. Don't worry about the money stuff. However if your partner is making you feel guilty about it that's not good. If it's just good old mothers guilt... Don't give it a second thought my darling! Your dh wants to give you and your kids a good life ❤️

Because I like to contribute?
I don't like to rely on anyone for anything; that includes my dp.

Yes if I wasn't at home he would be...

I don't think I'm sad but thanks.......

Is money the most important contribution one can make to a family?

Well given that you need money to, ya know, eat and keep a roof over your head and get pedicures I would say its fairly near the top of the list, yeah

Noooo! He doesn't make me feel guilty.

He thinks I'm being silly by feeling guilty. He couldn't give a shit if I never worked again he really wouldn't mind, but I would.

I can't help it I just feel that way! X