To think what DH does is not saintly?

[Loulou0]

We have a toddler and a newborn. I'm on maternity leave, DH is back at work full time. DH does the night feeds. Roughly at midnight and 3am. Our baby will then wake up around 6ish and I get up with him for the day. Toddler joins us shortly after and DH sleeps until about 8. We get the kids ready together and he leaves for work about 9. DH does his desk job all day, I look after our kids. I make dinner in the evening and DH puts our toddler to bed while I have some time to myself, I normally go for a run or have a bath etc.

This seems fair to me. Others (friends with kids, my DM) think DH is some kind of Saint and that I am 'so lucky!' And that I 'should be grateful'

Aibu to think that he's just doing his share and nothing particularly special??

I thought your servants did everything at home.

'Yorkshire we clearly have a nation of selfish, lazy, bullying husbands.'

I meant that as a sarcastic comment. I'm aware there are lots of partners out there like that so sorry if it came across as flippant to anyone who might be experiencing that. X

Lweji my servants.

Sounds like you both have a lovely fair partnership.

I don't think he's saintly. It sounds like he is getting some quality time with his newborn and cares for his OH's wellbeing. People (often women ) who tell you that you're lucky are sadly perpetuating the idea that children are women's work.

Proteus Why on earth would the OP's DH be only going to bed at 1am when he gets home at 4-6pm? Most sensible people go to bed early if they know they will be up twice in the night. If he wanted, he could get 3.5hrs downtime after work, be in bed by 9.30pm and up at 8am with 2 hours lost during the night. That's pretty good.

I did mat leave with DS (who was up multiple times every night due to medical reasons until he was 14 months), being a SAHP can be a harder job than a 'real' job.

Now we have 1 yr old triplets and my OP is on mat leave. I catch a bus at 6.30am and get home at 6.30pm to help do bed with DDx3 and then I do DS because otherwise I'd never see them in the week. OP works flippin hard at home with them all and doing almost all the chores, though I try to do some in the evening before bed. I'm up most nights because often one DD wakes another so it takes two people to settle them before the whole house is woken up.

Am I a saint? No. Because having children is a joint responsibility and while our situation is somewhat extreme, DP is working her socks off for our children and so should I be. I also want her to be the best mum she can be, especially while she is the main carer - which means not being even more knackered than she already is. I also get to have a life and space for myself when I leave the house which is more than she gets.

I will concede though that we should have shares in Dairy Milk and I do sneak out for a beer sometimes with lunch .

Bashful 'and while our situation is somewhat extreme'

Understatement of the day! 3x 1 yr old plus another DC? 🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫 x

If he wanted, he could get 3.5hrs downtime after work, be in bed by 9.30pm and up at 8am with 2 hours lost during the night. That's pretty good.

No, he can't. I think you must have missed the bit where OP goes off for her 'me time' after he gets back from work, and her partner does all the bathtime and bedtime routine. So no, he couldn't get any downtime after work.

Proteus, please, you really are being very unreasonable. OP said she gets "some" time to herself. SOME time and not all night. Bath and bedtime routine for one toddler also does not take all night, especially if one gets home from work at a reasonable time. OP's husband might have hours every night to himself. Why are you so hell-bent on making him into some kind of martyr?

bashful you're right actually. DH does have time to himself in the evening. He puts toddler to bed , reads story, tucks in etc but I do the preamble, bath, teeth pjs etc before I go for my run. Proteus is adding her own info to my routine for some reason! He normally does his hobby or watches tv or catches up with me afterwards though, I don't think he's ever slept during that period of time.

Autumn thanks for your very reasonable response. Proteus had said that its my attitude that angers her, not the situation 🤔 You're right though, putting the toddler to bed takes DH 20 min or so. He is normally downstairs and finished by the time I'm back.

Op. Can you tell us what job your dh does? It sounds lovely. Out of the house from 9 till 4 only, including commute, and not very taxing. Enough money to support a sahp and a cleaner. Sounds fab!

Arethere I'm on maternity leave and I'm supporting myself financially during it. I pay for cleaning service, not DH. He has a senior position/flexitime/works nearby all of this affords him the luxury of not being out of the house 12 hours per day. Not such a mystery really

A senior position doing what? Am genuinely intrigued, not taking the piss.

Sales

Damn. I'm rubbish at that.

It sounds like you have a system that works for you. It's not saintly - you are both equal partners in this.

Me and DH have both taken maternity leave with DS while the other worked. Our routine while DH was at home and I was at work was just the same as yours but with genders reversed. Basically I am better at broken sleep and prefer to have the extra time in the morning. DH is better sleeping through and getting up early with DS.

We also still share the night shift as DS is a terrible sleeper still but DH now does every bedtime just because he gets him to sleep quicker than me.

Everyone is different but DH and I both agreed that being at home was far harder than being at work so whoever was the "going to work partner" at the time did tend to do more.

I agree with everything Proteus has said. OP, if you are posting to ask AIBU, then you have to expect that some people will think you are. It may seem as if your DH is happy doing the lions share of everything and pampering you, but that might wear thin and he may decide he's had enough. There's only so much one person can do.

Why do people keep saying op had a baby five weeks ago like she deserves sympathy or something?!

Yes we know ffs!! So did a lot of people, and most of those people still get up in the night.

What do you want, to give op a medal for giving birth?!

Jesus Christ!

If op is getting a medal I bleeding well want one too and so should every other mother in the fucking world.

She gave birth 5 weeks ago, does that mean nobody is allowed to disagree with her

Why do people keep saying op had a baby five weeks ago like she deserves sympathy or something?!

Yes we know ffs!! So did a lot of people, and most of those people still get up in the night.

What do you want, to give op a medal for giving birth?!

Jesus Christ!

If op is getting a medal I bleeding well want one too and so should every other mother in the fucking world.

She gave birth 5 weeks ago, does that mean nobody is allowed to disagree with her

mummytohpm

The point is that the dad doesn't deserve a medal either.

Jesus Christ!

Loulou0 "Ritchy I know- I don't get her anger...? This is meant to be a debate/conversation. She's called me lazy, selfish and a bully. She's gone a bit far I think."

Just in case anyone missed it - that was after you'd called me a lunatic , a loon , a nutter , bitter , and downtrodden .

All verbatim insults from your posts, directed solely and overtly at me.

I didn't bother reporting because, as I said, I thought your posts ought to be allowed to speak for themselves.

However, it's a little bit dishonest for you to leave that out when complaining about being insulted, don't you think?

At what point have I said he fucking well does?

Oh wait I haven't!!!!!!!!

At what point have I said he fucking well does?

Oh wait I haven't!!!!!!!!

Sorry about double posts it keeps telling me it's failed

Lweji

I even said op is not being unreasonable for not thinking her DH is a saint

But you wouldn't know that either since you haven't been arsed to read my posts!