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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think what DH does is not saintly?

896 replies

Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 06:24

We have a toddler and a newborn. I'm on maternity leave, DH is back at work full time. DH does the night feeds. Roughly at midnight and 3am. Our baby will then wake up around 6ish and I get up with him for the day. Toddler joins us shortly after and DH sleeps until about 8. We get the kids ready together and he leaves for work about 9. DH does his desk job all day, I look after our kids. I make dinner in the evening and DH puts our toddler to bed while I have some time to myself, I normally go for a run or have a bath etc.

This seems fair to me. Others (friends with kids, my DM) think DH is some kind of Saint and that I am 'so lucky!' And that I 'should be grateful'

Aibu to think that he's just doing his share and nothing particularly special??

OP posts:
fedupofpeppa · 31/05/2016 06:47

I think the night feeds are the hardest and sleep deprivation is most challenging aspect of having a newborn (shortly followed by constant crying / fussiness) and only he is taking the hit for that currently. I think that the pain of sleep deprivation should be shared especially with newborns to avoid resentment. However if this works for both of you then it's fine. I don't fully agree with the argument that he works so can't get up at night which you hear a lot of the time on here. If you have a toddler too then you can't nap when the baby naps etc and do you doing all night feeds isn't fair either. Splitting the feeds or alternating nights on duty is my optimal on paper anyway but if the arrangement is working for you both then go for it.

Original poster
Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 06:48

Topaz selfish is a bit harsh! I don't 'expect' (or force) him to do anything, he just gets stuck in and does what needs to be done. He did the same when our toddler was a baby and he stuck to it until he was sleeping through. And he gets loads of time to himself. Evenings, weekends. He had a four hour 'nap' yesterday afternoon as he does most weekends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 06:50

Oyster I hope so!!

OP posts:
onlywhenyouleave · 31/05/2016 06:51

If it works for you as a family, then what does it matter what others think?

Me and DH used to do alternate nights so, yes, DH would do night feeds on working days. However, he worked from home a lot so it wasn't as crucial and when he wasn't home, he could be working away for 3/4 nights at a time do I would be doing it all do it seemed fair.

I am just wondering why you both need to get the children ready for 9 o'clock - surely the best thing about being on maternity leave is that you don't need to be anywhere by a certain time and you would have plenty of time to get both DC dressed in the mornings without your DH helping you?

Original poster
Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 06:51

So mixed responses then... I won't be showing DH this thread!

OP posts:
Bluemountain1102 · 31/05/2016 06:52

My husband and I have a similar set up and baby is 16 weeks now. It works very well for us.
If it works for you then it's none of other people's business on how you run your home or bring up your lots.

enterYourPassword · 31/05/2016 06:52

I think he's doing more than his share so yes, you're lucky.

KP86 · 31/05/2016 06:54

I think this should be normal. All those who are saying you don't do enough are conditioned to think women should do most of the work while on mat leave. You wouldn't bat an eyelid if OP was getting up twice in the night and still starting the day at 6 looking after two children for 12 hours.

My view is that your 100% parenting time is while DH is out of the house and the rest should be split 50/50. So yes, he should help get the children ready in the mornings and do bath/bed time (assuming that you are most likely doing something during that time which benefits you both and/or the household like dinner or chores) If he gets up twice overnight but gets an extra two hours sleep each morning then that evens out in my book. And you've offered to swap sometimes which is also generous.

The bottom line is, if you are both happy then that's all that matters.

DaveCamoron · 31/05/2016 06:54

Does he drive for his commute to work OP? That's what I'd be worried about...

Original poster
Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 06:55

Onlywhenyouleave the kids are normally ready by 9 because toddler goes to nursery two days or we are usually going out to a group or to do something. If it's a day at home day then we don't bother but it's so much easier with two pairs of hands.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 06:57

Dave it is a 15 min drive each way. He never says he feels knackered though! I would suggest changing things if he ever did

OP posts:
DaveCamoron · 31/05/2016 06:58

Ah that's not too bad, as long as there's no motorway etc Smile

whattheseithakasmean · 31/05/2016 07:00

Not really mixed responses - I think pretty unanimous that doing every single night feed is fairly heroic!

Original poster
Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 07:01

KP86 I (obviously) agree with your post. I do the shopping , cooking , laundry , organising. We have a cleaner so that's not an issue but all of the other household stuff falls to me . Which seems like a fair swap for the night feeds.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 07:03

Whatthese no, there are definitely some people who think it's normal. I can't get on board with 'heroic' though. 😐

OP posts:
Helloitsme88 · 31/05/2016 07:08

I have to say again.... Why do people worry about their OHs driving to work in the morning on no sleep yet it's okay for a sleep deprived mother to take her baby for check ups and jabs and baby groups etc. Honestly the logic is ridiculous. Your baby is the most precious thing

Maybebabybee · 31/05/2016 07:09

I do all the night feeds here (breastfeeding) and while I don't find them too bad as DS just feeds and goes straight back to sleep, I can't imagine commuting into the office and working the morning after.

I know being at home with a baby all day is hard, but you don't have to commute or have business related interactions with others that require lots of brainpower. And you can stay in your pjs if you want to Smile

Becky546 · 31/05/2016 07:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maybebabybee · 31/05/2016 07:11

I do the cooking and laundry if I have time but oh does pretty much everything else round the house. And at the weekend when baby gets up at 6 he takes him into the other room so I get a lie in.

PPie10 · 31/05/2016 07:12

Seems to me he is saintly and doing much more than you.

Original poster
Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 07:12

Helloitsme88 actually that's one of the reasons my DH says he's happy to do the nights. I find it almost impossible to stay at home day after day so he knows I'll be out doing stuff with the kids most days so he wants me to be alert. ( not that I'd drive with the kids if I felt anything other than ok) he says his day is quite easy , desk job, business lunches etc...his words not mine

OP posts:
Howmuchisthatdoggyinthewindow · 31/05/2016 07:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PenelopeChipShop · 31/05/2016 07:14

I do think you're lucky OP but not in the sense that you should feel guilty about it, iyswim! I would love that situation for myself but my DP is only home about 7pm - JUST in time to hold the new baby (congratulations btw!) while I put the 3yo to bed.

And that's because he's making an exception while the new baby still has evening colic - before long I'll have to do it all myself! I don't like this but I can't change it, long story that I don't derail the thread with. In fact threads like these usually make me feel even worse, that I'm somehow failing to get my DH to do his full share, which is actually the last thing I need on top of the usual exhaustion.

I get the point you're making, but don't take him for granted, he sounds like a really good one.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 31/05/2016 07:15

I don't think it's heroic, it's just deciding what works for you as part of a team and doing it.

Thats just normal equal parenting.

It is however fairly lucky that one person prefers the bit most people think is crap and appears to enjoy it but that's more luck for the team than just you.

DoinItFine · 31/05/2016 07:15

Thousands of women up and down the country do night feeds (often more than two) and then get uo for work.

But if a man does it he is apparently some kind of put upon paragon of virtue with a bad wife.

This is because a lot of people, even on MN, think that maternity leave exists so that men don't have to be inconvenienced in the slightest by the arrival of a newborn.

The idea is that you should be on your knees with exhaustion while his life carries on as before.

You should not only do 100% of the care for both your children, you shoukd also act as his housekeeper and do 100% of all domestic tasks.

Apparently men need eomen to do this because it is very tiring for them to watch someone else give birth and loom sfter a baby whilr they take two weeks off to plsy computer games and then resume their pre-child life.

Lots of people are going to tell you how unfair it is to this poor man that he is taking a full part in raising his children.

It is beyond them that being a genuine 50% parent could be rewarding for a man.

That neither you nor he are prepared to accept his superior status now that you are just a mother and he is a big "breadwinner" will challenge a lot of people.

But there are other men like him and their children are better off for having them as their fathers.