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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think what DH does is not saintly?

896 replies

Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 06:24

We have a toddler and a newborn. I'm on maternity leave, DH is back at work full time. DH does the night feeds. Roughly at midnight and 3am. Our baby will then wake up around 6ish and I get up with him for the day. Toddler joins us shortly after and DH sleeps until about 8. We get the kids ready together and he leaves for work about 9. DH does his desk job all day, I look after our kids. I make dinner in the evening and DH puts our toddler to bed while I have some time to myself, I normally go for a run or have a bath etc.

This seems fair to me. Others (friends with kids, my DM) think DH is some kind of Saint and that I am 'so lucky!' And that I 'should be grateful'

Aibu to think that he's just doing his share and nothing particularly special??

OP posts:
Original poster
Loulou0 · 02/06/2016 15:20

Sorry to hear that Yorkshire

Boner what a thoughtful post. totally agree

OP posts:
mummytohpm · 02/06/2016 15:21

This is such a sad post. In a thread full of them, granted, but this one says a lot. I think maybe people who can't cope with OP not being more grateful don't get that actually, many of us do think that every other mother in the fucking world should get a bit of consideration. Perhaps we'd see lower rates of postpartum MH issues if every new mother had someone to take over as much of the night duty as possible. Yes this won't be an option if your DP is an air traffic controller, surgeon, long distance driver etc, but the idea that new mothers getting rest should be a family priority shouldn't cause the shitstorm it has, and nor should the impact of multiple night wakings immediately after pregnancy and birth on a woman's health be minimised.

Consideration and getting a medal are two very different things.

Original poster
Loulou0 · 02/06/2016 15:22

Mummy who asked for a medal???

OP posts:
mummytohpm · 02/06/2016 15:27

Nobody said the word medal but some posters seem to insinuate that just because you've given birth you shouldn't be doing anything

Yeah it'd be amazing if every woman who gave birth could have a full nights sleep from day one and focus purely on 'getting better' but it doesn't work like that!

Plus a lot of people don't need 5 weeks to recover (I didn't!)

I'm not saying that you shouldn't have DH doing whatever but I don't think DH should be doing it just because you've given birth, he should be doing it because it's his child too and he's a decent parent and husband , which is why he is doing it.

RitchyBestingFace · 02/06/2016 15:28

Ha Boner - I thought it was Polari or a northern Lights character. Smile

Yorkshiregrey77 · 02/06/2016 15:28

No they said she shouldn't be called lazy and a bully.

RitchyBestingFace · 02/06/2016 15:28

Ha Boner - I thought it was Polari or a northern Lights character. Smile

BonerSibary · 02/06/2016 15:29

I presumed 'medal' was a figure of speech, since postpartum women tend to want help, care and sleep rather than heavy pieces of precious metal to wear round their necks. So 'medal' made sense in that context, but it would mean consideration and a medal weren't in fact two very different things.

If it wasn't a figure of speech, that begs the question of why you brought up medals in the first place mummy?

RitchyBestingFace · 02/06/2016 15:30

Ha Boner - I thought it was Polari or a northern Lights character. Smile

lozster · 02/06/2016 15:31

Lou Lou - did your DH do all the night feeds in his previous relationship?

RitchyBestingFace · 02/06/2016 15:31

ConfusedBlushsorry about the triplicate and totally irrelevant post. I had a wifi snafu

mummytohpm · 02/06/2016 15:32

She shouldn't be called lazy or a bully...

I don't think she is lazy or a bully ..

It was a figure of speech.

Consideration - yes.

Doing everything because you're not the one that gave birth? No.

Although before anyone jumps on me I know that's not why OP's husband is doing it....

AutumnMadness · 02/06/2016 15:32

Gosh, it's amazing how much vitriol a woman who is for once getting some slack arouses. I am going to write a research paper titled "Sitting on ye arse: Construction of female leisure in patriarchal neoliberal society."

BonerSibary · 02/06/2016 15:32

Yeah it'd be amazing if every woman who gave birth could have a full nights sleep from day one and focus purely on 'getting better' but it doesn't work like that!

Even when it does? Because it appears to in OPs case.

Plus a lot of people don't need 5 weeks to recover (I didn't!)

I suspect you're rather unusual to feel entirely recovered in 5 weeks then, particularly given our rates of section, instrumental delivery and 3rd degree plus tears.

Original poster
Loulou0 · 02/06/2016 15:33

Mummy Oh I see. I was lucky in that I had a straightforward elective c section that healed without issue. I was climbing the walls after a week so the idea that I don't have to do stuff because I had a baby is alien to me. Some women have very difficult births though and take longer to recover. These women should be able to rest / get looked after etc. Circumstances often prevail though and they are doing night feeds , full childcare etc whilst still feeling rubbish, exhausted and in pain.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loulou0 · 02/06/2016 15:34

Lozter no he didn't

OP posts:
RitchyBestingFace · 02/06/2016 15:34

I would totally read that Autumn. Sounds more interesting than anything about sleep deprivation.

mummytohpm · 02/06/2016 15:35

Maybe it does work like that for op. I'd guess it doesn't work like that for 90% of other people.

Maybe I am in the minority then?! I had a very bad tear actually but yeah I can honestly say I feel fine?

Op obviously is okay too going on runs and what not (I am impressed but then I couldn't even run pre pregnancy)

mummytohpm · 02/06/2016 15:39

Oh god.

Yes obviously anyone with a difficult birth should get to rest - no in fact everyone should get to rest dads included.

I'm just saying that OP's situation, although it works for them, is not the reality for most people and wouldn't work for a lot of couples.

It's not realistic to expect every dad to do all night feeds because women should have priority when it comes to sleep because they've given birth. It may work for some it can't work for everyone and I don't think it's fair.

If possible both parents deserve sleep. ( I know OP's DH gets to sleep I am talking in general here)

Original poster
Loulou0 · 02/06/2016 15:41

Ritchy, what, you didn't read it??!

OP posts:
BonerSibary · 02/06/2016 15:42

What was it a figure of speech for, then?

Doing everything because you're not the one that gave birth? No.

He's not doing everything, and it's not just because of birth. It's because of pregnancy, two within a couple of years in this instance, and recovery. And while you're entitled to say 'no' to this with regards to your own set up, what makes you so determined that other women couldn't possibly be deserving of a set up involving them getting a period of unbroken sleep while they recover from pregnancy and birth, and then getting up at 6am with a toddler?

Maybe it does work like that for op. I'd guess it doesn't work like that for 90% of other people.

Sure, I think that's one thing this thread has shown us. That's not a refutation to those of us feel it should work more that way, though. I don't think all that 90% have DPs who are performing open heart surgery or are on medication that makes them drowsy etc.

BonerSibary · 02/06/2016 15:43

I'd read the fuck out of that bad boy autumn.

mummytohpm · 02/06/2016 15:51

What was it a figure of speech for, then?
*
Doing everything because you're not the one that gave birth? No.

He's not doing everything, and it's not just because of birth. It's because of pregnancy, two within a couple of years in this instance, and recovery. And while you're entitled to say 'no' to this with regards to your own set up, what makes you so determined that other women couldn't possibly be deserving of a set up involving them getting a period of unbroken sleep while they recover from pregnancy and birth, and then getting up at 6am with a toddler?
*
Maybe it does work like that for op. I'd guess it doesn't work like that for 90% of other people.*

Sure, I think that's one thing this thread has shown us. That's not a refutation to those of us feel it should work more that way, though. I don't think all that 90% have DPs who are performing open heart surgery or are on medication that makes them drowsy etc.*

Obviously I am totally wrong and op is incredibly deserving of her loving husband doing the night feeds for her because it must be an absolute nightmare having a toddler at nursery 15 hours a week and a newborn who allows you to have manicures and pedicures and what not. Oh and not to forget someone to do your cleaning too.

Honestly? Good for op. It's great she has a great husband and I mean that genuinely.

I just don't think it's realistic to expect someone who works full time to do all the night feeds.

If anyone of any sex has to or in fact wants to do it, I salute them, I imagine it can be incredibly hard.

I do agree that more men should pull their weight, though. Even one night feed would be helpful for anyone with a new born.

Even someone cooking your tea or changing a nappy or doing a feed is helpful isn't it.

My DP does a lot of those things but I still wouldn't let him do all the night feeds if I was at home all day because I would feel guilty - that's just me though.

Thingiebob · 02/06/2016 16:16

I think if it works for your family then so be it. It wouldn't work for mine. My DH needs his sleep as he has a long drive each day and his work requires accuracy and concentration. I do all the night feeds as have young child and a daughter who has to be checked on regularly at night as she has a blood sugar condition, but he gets up with them every morning and gets their breakfast, changes nappies and dresses them. At the weekends I tend to catch up on sleep in the morning while he looks after them. I am envious of you. I haven't had a full night's sleep in six years!

Querty12345 · 02/06/2016 16:22

I suspect you're rather unusual to feel entirely recovered in 5 weeks then, particularly given our rates of section, instrumental delivery and 3rd degree plus tears.

Do you have figures to support that statement?