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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I should have met his daughter by now?

116 replies

Pritchyx · 30/05/2016 16:02

Have been with my boyfriend for 6 months, he has a 6yo daughter from a previous relationship which ended 4 years ago... His last 2 girlfriends had met her by this point also - something he accidentally let slip when drunk the other week.
He has already met my 3yo daughter which he did a couple of months ago.. He asked to meet her, and I have no qualms with that. My daughters dad has no issues with it either - I'm always upfront about it with him, to make him aware.. As he is with me.

However, bit peeved with the boyfriend as was under the impression that I'd be going to his families barbecue today. He stayed last night and left this morning at 8 to go the office, so I asked what time I should get to his for... Only to be responded with "you can't come now, because B is coming." Meaning his ex-w will no doubt be there and she's made it clear to him that she doesn't like me despite never speaking nor meeting me.

Aibu to think I should've met his daughter by now? Or do you think there's more to it? Ive tried to entertain the subject, but either ends with him ignoring what I've said, or him changing the subject.. So not sure what to do now..

OP posts:

MrsSpecter · 30/05/2016 16:04

I think considering the child has already met two of his previous girlfriends he is right to be more cautious.

Hodooooooooor · 30/05/2016 16:07

I would imagine his ex is sick of him introducing their dd to a parade of girlfriends. You're at least number 3 (that you know of).

He's got it more right than you have. You're only with him 6 months and he met your kid months ago.....why the rush?

HermioneJeanGranger · 30/05/2016 16:09

YABU, six months is still early days, and perhaps he's realised he made a mistake letting his ex's meet them so early on.

WorraLiberty · 30/05/2016 16:09

I agree with MrsSpecter regarding her having already met 2 previous GFs.

Perhaps that's why the ex wants him to be a bit more cautious?

Mind you, is it important to you at this fairly early stage to meet his dd?

Vagabond · 30/05/2016 16:12

I'd be upset too. But....I'd advise patience on this one. If you really like him, give him time. Being pushy isn't going to help. I think 6 months into a relationship might be early for you to be at a family function where the ex-wife will be. He could very well be trying to protect you from a volatile situation.

Was your ex husband/partner there when he met your three year old? I'm guessing 'not'.

Give the situation time. He might have had bad experiences when introducing his child to his ex-girlfriends and wants to exercise caution this time. Maybe he thinks you're more serious and wants to take small steps. I understand that.

Being pushy is the LAST thing to do. Be cool. Time will tell and you'll find the right situation together. The most important thing to think about is what is right for the child/children. Not what's important to the adults.

YoureSoSlyButSoAmI · 30/05/2016 16:13

YABU. Poor little girl must be bemused at all the new aunties. Sounds like he needs a revolving door fitted.

Your BF would appear to be developing some sense. Better late than never.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/05/2016 16:16

Sounds like he's learned his lesson. Maybe you should take his lead and be a little more cautious.

Pinkheart5915 · 30/05/2016 16:16

You have only been seeing him 6 months so not long.
Maybe after introducing his previous girl friends this quick he has realised it is better to wait, maybe this time he wants to sure he's with the right person before introducing his DD.

HighwayDragon1 · 30/05/2016 16:18

YABVVU, exp has introduced dd to several girlfriends over the last 6 years they've all been "really serious" girlfriends that he's totally in love with, none have lasted more than 9 months. He's been told no more until they've been together at least a year.

Original poster

Pritchyx · 30/05/2016 16:18

As far as I'm aware, him and his last girlfriend split the start of 2015.
I haven't rushed into meeting his daughter at all, I've tried to address it by asking when he'll be comfortable with me meeting her but like I've said, he'll ignore what I've said or change subject.. And he asked to meet mine and I didn't see an issue with it, neither did my ex. My DD is a bit iffy with strangers, but took to him well within minutes.
I just don't see the logic, he can meet mine but I can't meet his?

OP posts:

MrsSpecter · 30/05/2016 16:24

I have been a single parent coming up on 6 years (and a 3 year spell before that) my Dcs have never met any boyfriends because until i know it's someone i want to marry, then i dont see the point. And really i find it takes a good 6 months at least to really settle into a relationship, lose the novelty/honeymoon period and get a flavour of who they really are.

Penfold007 · 30/05/2016 16:24

You and your Ex are happy to introduce your daughter to new g/bfs early on. Your BF and his ex aren't comfortable with such an early introduction. Neither of you are right or wrong it's a personal choice.

HermioneJeanGranger · 30/05/2016 16:27

You didn't have to let him meet her, though.

Windsofwinter · 30/05/2016 16:30

I didn't introduce DS to my DP until we had been together for almost a year. I didn't see any point until I was sure we had a future together and that DP would be a permanent fixture in our lives.

WorraLiberty · 30/05/2016 16:34

Can you explain why you want to meet her though?

I could understand if you were getting engaged or something, but why is it important you meet her this early?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 30/05/2016 16:35

You are trying to rush it, if he wanted you to he would bring it up.

He does not so he isn't

blinkowl · 30/05/2016 16:35

"I just don't see the logic, he can meet mine but I can't meet his?"

Your DC are humans with individual needs, not bargaining counters.

His DD has met at least 2 new girlfriends, and at least one of her parents (can't tell if it's him, her or both) has decided it's to early for her to meet you. It may be because of the two previous girlfriends, or something else entirely. Either way it would seem that they have decided meeting you is not right for their DD at this time.

Whether he has met yours or not is totally irrelevant.

Or, perhaps the ex is being petty for some reason, in which case you're better off leaving that alone too!

Back off, he will invite you to meet her when the time is right.

TheCrumpettyTree · 30/05/2016 16:37

YABU, poor child being introduced to a parade of girlfriends and you're the latest. She must wonder what the hell is going on. It's not about you.

dmsz · 30/05/2016 16:37

My bf didn't meet my son for over a year, and even when he did meet him it was on neutral ground as "someone mummy works with", it was another year of them building up a relationship before "boyfriend" terms were used, we went with the flow of my DC who was 4-6 at the time. My DS loves him.

My ex on the other hand met a woman in January, introduced her to DS in February (he had once a month contact) as his gf, moved her in, attempted to force a "this is your step mum" relationship onto DS. DS was traumatised, hates her and would come home in tears because his dad would rather be with the gf than him.

starry0ne · 30/05/2016 16:40

Six months doesn't make it long term..

For a child to get attached to her dads significant other then totally loose contact will be hard on her.

I think he was unreasonable to ask to meet your DC but not let you meet his.

I think he has introduced his DD to at least 2 girlfriends. I think he is realising his mistakes.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 30/05/2016 16:40

Gawd. Why is it always " a revolving door" of " aunties/ uncles" when single people with children have relationships?? So, if a small child happens to meet a girlfriend / boyfriend, what exactly is " bemusing" about that?
Ok, if every weekend there was a different woman in Daddy's bed that wouldn't be great, but surely most people don't play it like that? Don't most people have friends, sometimes new friends they introduce to their families/ children?
I just hate the judgmental attitude on this subject, often tinged with a right good dose of smug married bosom hoisting.
I agree with pp that there is no rush, and personally would be in no rush to hang out with the ex wife, but it's a bit odd if he has asked to meet your daughter!
I probably would have arranged a meet, lunch or a trip out somewhere, with both children at the same time.
It is perfectly possible to introduce people in a casual, laid back way, doesn't have to be a big deal.
I certainly wouldn't know if I wanted to marry a man or not until I had seen how he was with my kid, and how my dc got on with him.
So, yanbu, but there is no rush, let things happen naturally.

Liiinooo · 30/05/2016 16:43

6 months does not sound that long to me, but I guess it all depends on the needs and personality of the child and the nature of their relationship with the parent. It felt OK to you to introduce your DD quite quickly and you were the best person to make that decision. For whatever reason it doesn't feel right to your boyfriend yet and that could be as a result of his experiences with past GFs.

I agree with the posters saying don't push this, it could become a bone of contention that damages your developing relationship. If it develops into something long term you will get to meet her eventually. If it doesn't go anywhere or fizzles out it will probably be for the best that you didn't meet.

DizzyNorthernBird · 30/05/2016 16:46

I didn't meet DP's kids for a year. What's the rush? He's got a right to be cautious. Just because he's met your kid, doesn't mean you should automatically meet his, your circumstances and family dynamic surrounding child and ex aren't neccessarily the same as his.

I can understand you being a bit miffed on missing out on the bbq though. Give it time though. Six months is nothing.

DumbDailyMail · 30/05/2016 16:46

Why the rush? It's really not about whether you are ready yo meet her it's about whether she is ready to meet you.

Why not just sit back and enjoy the relationship. You've both had failed relationships so be cautious, take things slowly and have fun.

HackerFucker22 · 30/05/2016 16:50

There seems to be a lot of angst about this (from OP) and an unwillingness to discuss (from the BF) and neither is an ideal foundation for a long term relationship. OP seems to be pushing and the BF won't even discuss???

BF needs to start a discourse - as long as he is honest and up front then the OP knows where she stands? So if the exw has asked him not to introduce any more gf's to the girl or if the dad has indeed come to this conclusion himself then why can't the guy just say this????

Inability to communicate is a massive deal breaker for me.

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