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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should have met his daughter by now?

116 replies

Pritchyx · 30/05/2016 16:02

Have been with my boyfriend for 6 months, he has a 6yo daughter from a previous relationship which ended 4 years ago... His last 2 girlfriends had met her by this point also - something he accidentally let slip when drunk the other week.
He has already met my 3yo daughter which he did a couple of months ago.. He asked to meet her, and I have no qualms with that. My daughters dad has no issues with it either - I'm always upfront about it with him, to make him aware.. As he is with me.

However, bit peeved with the boyfriend as was under the impression that I'd be going to his families barbecue today. He stayed last night and left this morning at 8 to go the office, so I asked what time I should get to his for... Only to be responded with "you can't come now, because B is coming." Meaning his ex-w will no doubt be there and she's made it clear to him that she doesn't like me despite never speaking nor meeting me.

Aibu to think I should've met his daughter by now? Or do you think there's more to it? Ive tried to entertain the subject, but either ends with him ignoring what I've said, or him changing the subject.. So not sure what to do now..Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Pritchyx · 30/05/2016 18:15

*appropriate instead of inappropriate. Whoops!

OP posts:
MeMySonAndl · 30/05/2016 18:18

Pritchy... His being a company director doesn't excuse shouting at you. If he cannot control himself when he is stressed it may be a good idea to keep him at arms lenght for a while. It is not a good sign at all.

Thread carefully, that's the second strike.

Original poster
Pritchyx · 30/05/2016 18:24

meMySon he done it the once. But it's because he was complaining about work, and then huffed at me, so I went mad because he knows I don't like it and I'd been in a mood anyway so was kind of my fault to start with.. But that's the only time we've ever had any bit of a barney or dodgy moment!

OP posts:
Damsel · 30/05/2016 18:27

I agree with HappyNevertheless.

I understand all the posters giving views on what constitutes too soon and these are all valid views and it's very much a personal thing. (My ex husband took our daughter (age 8 at the time) to meet his new partner in her house and told my daughter that next time she visited she would be staying there and that she could never see him on his own again. And that's exactly what's happened and my daughter is now 15 and hasn't had an hour on her own with her Dad since then and my daughter dislikes her intensely as a result. I realise that's an extreme example!)

It's interesting that your BF asked to meet your daughter. That must have indicated to you that he was taking your relationship seriously. Yet his subsequent behaviour indicates the opposite. Or is that just men in general?!

The issue really, as others have pointed out, is his deaf ear policy and unwillingness to discuss it. If he's doing that only 6 months in to your relationship, it doesn't really bode well for the future.

Is B his child or his ex partner? If he didn't want you at the BBQ because his ex wife would be there, I'd say there was an issue you needed to sort.

Good luck with it but do think about whether you want a future with a man who ignores you when you try to discuss an issue that is important to you and is generally unwilling to deal with it.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 30/05/2016 18:28

Yes, don't like the sound of his communication skills at all. It's entirely his prerogative when you get to meet his child, but trying to shut you down when you try to discuss it shows a distinct lack of respect for you. Does he tend to do that about anything else he doesn't seem to feel you have 'the right' to raise with him? No need to answer that here if you don't want to, but have a ponder on this to see if its a pattern - and it might not be!
But now it turns out that he's been seeing you for only 6 months and he already "gets a bit shouty" with you sometimes? Don't like the sound of that either. Gawd knows its fine to be stressed - and to show that stress to others - he's only human, but actually shouting at you this early into the relationship isn't on really, is it? But it's ok because "he's a company director"? Whoopy-do. He seems to have mistaken you for one of his employees.
I'd say definitely don''t rush with the child meeting and definitely don't rush with this relationship either.

MrsSpecter · 30/05/2016 18:30

Your latest posts are not filling me with confidence. Sounds like he and his ex are a couple of hotheads. I would take care with him around your child. Only 6 months in and he is taking his work stresses out on you? Not good.

BertrandRussell · 30/05/2016 18:31

You've only been together for 6 months and already he "gets a bit shouty"

Be very careful, OP.......

GingerIvy · 30/05/2016 18:35

So you've been together for 6 months and he gets a bit shouty at you but it's your fault?? And he refuses to discuss things with you?? And expects everything to be on his timetable (such as him asking to meet your dc but not allowing you to meet his)??

Have you heard the term "red flag"? I'd take a step back from the relationship, if I were you. You should still be in the "wooo everything is great" stage at this point, not having him take out his stress on you.

MeMySonAndl · 30/05/2016 18:43

I think that is even more worrying Pritchyx, he loses it and is your fault? Strike three.

Thread carefully, the fact that he has a director role doesn't justify his lack of control when it comes to his emotions. Everybody can get stressed, in any position, he cannot behave like that and is particularly worrying that he has done it within 6 months when most people are in their best behaviour and within the "honeymoon period". You are already excusing his behaviour and blaming yourself, if you add to that he doesn't want to introduce you to his child even when he has asked to meet yours, he is not much of a keeper at all.

MeMySonAndl · 30/05/2016 18:50

The ex wife took a spade to his car? Huge red flag there! What did he do to her?

He may have married a psycho but he may not be what he seems. I remember a boyfriend who was absolutely wonderful in the first few months, he told me his ex wife had accused him of x, y & z and I thought she was a bitch. A few months later I was agreeing wholeheartedly with her.

Original poster
Pritchyx · 30/05/2016 18:55

So basically, if he tries to take anything out on me, I'm good to shut him down. He's done it the once and gave him a mouthful back, never done it since and that was prior to meeting my DD at the very start...
However, I feel the ex-wife has a fair bit of a hold over what he can/can't do... We went to Manchester 2 weekends ago as was my birthday, had a fab time btw... However, ex wife was furious... Even though it wasn't his weekend with B. she also had a massive go at him on the phone the other week whilst I was at his because he said that if B wants to do tennis lessons, then she should foot the cost considering he pays half towards her mortgage, a generous amount of maintenance and also for B's school fees, ballet, tap and swimming lessons every week.

My ex was a control freak, and that was one of many reasons as to why I left him 2 years ago.. But he's got a new girlfriend but has asked me to meet her before his new gf meets our daughter... Which I find bizarre Confused but meh, if that's what he wants.

However, my OH has been an absolute rock the last couple of weeks due to me having a family bereavement and has knocked me about sideways as was completely unexpected. I'd go into it all completely but will take days, but he basically had to collect me from my mums and didn't leave my side for 2 whole days because I was in shock. Anyway, funeral is Friday and he's going to pick me up and stay with me as doesn't want me on my own. I grieve in a bizarre way and get angry (I shut everyone out and literally disappear... If I'm on my own, I tend to escape to the seaside or somewhere rural to think everything through) and he doesn't want that to happen for my own well-being.
He sees my DD probably once every 2 weeks or so, depends if she's here when he comes over. (He usually comes over at weekends when DD is at her dads house).

I guess my next step, is to find out what his concerns are?? And be patient, obviously!

OP posts:
MrsSpecter · 30/05/2016 18:58

If I'm on my own, I tend to escape to the seaside or somewhere rural to think everything through) and he doesn't want that to happen for my own well-being.

So he wants to dictate how you grieve? Hmm

MrsSpecter · 30/05/2016 19:00

He thinks that despite you having managed your own well being for 22 years without him, and despite him only knowing you 6 months that he is the better person to decide how you process your own grief? Sounds to me like he'd just rather keep you under his watchful eye.

Original poster
Pritchyx · 30/05/2016 19:03

MrsSpecter not as such no, but after seeing the state I was in when I found out true news, i wasn't in the best place mentally. So he would rather me be somewhere safe, instead of disappearing off whilst I'm an emotional wreck and not thinking straight.
I can understand what you mean though.
Knowing what I'm like, I'd probably go irregardless and switch my phone off on purpose.

OP posts:
MrsSpecter · 30/05/2016 19:12

Well, youre hardly going to disappear and leave your child are you?

MrsSpecter · 30/05/2016 19:13

I'd probably go irregardless and switch my phone off on purpose.

Youre allowed to. No-one is obliged to have their phone on at all times. We are all entitled to take some time out. A bereavement would definitely be one of those times.

Pritchyx · 30/05/2016 19:23

This reply has been deleted

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HappyNevertheless · 30/05/2016 19:40

Be careful though.
He doesn't get to tell you how you want to grieve or what you have to put up with 'for your own sake'.
It's easy to tell you that you are a wreck and can't be left alone. And then to tell you what you should do etc etc....

When I have been a wreck, DH didn't tell me 'I will do xx for your own good because clearly you are a wreck and unable to make your own decisions. He asked what sort of support I wanted. If I wanted to be left alone, he did. He showed he was there for me by being there when I asked him to, at the drop of the hat. Or by leaving me alone. Or by running an errant for me. What ever actually helped ME rather than he thought would help me.

Can you see the difference?

Amy214 · 30/05/2016 19:41

If i was in a new relationship then i would wait at least 6-8 months before i even thought about introducing dd to a stranger that i barely know myself

TresDesolee · 30/05/2016 20:04

I was coming on to say a six year old (his DD) can be very different from a three year old (yours). 6yo has a much better understanding of what 'daddy's new friend' might signify and might be much more likely to get unsettled by the idea of a new girlfriend.

However, on reading I agree with everyone else that he also sounds as though he could be a bit of a knobber regardless of the child-introducing issue

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 30/05/2016 21:29

Hmmmmmmmmmm. I'm liking the sound of this less and less.
It does sound like he wants some kind of control of you, and to have the upper hand. Not allowing you to be alone when grieving , under the guise of "caring"? Or making you feel like you can't be trusted to make sensible decisions. I'm like you when under duress OP. If possible, going off somewhere myself is how I process things. That's entirely reasonable.
And the shouting ? I have been in a relationship for about the same length of time. He has his own business, and frankly works like a dog. He has never come close to taking anything out on me. He is nothing but sweet and kind, always.
I'm sure there will be moments if we stay together, but at this stage it should be best behaviour all round.
And if I said I needed to go away and be alone, for whatever reason, he'd say "ok darling, you know best what you need."
That's not because he's saint, it's just normal.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/05/2016 21:48

Just for clarity. His last relationships have been with, in order, a 42 yo, 32 yo, 25 yo and you 22yo?

Because lots of age difference relationships are great. There are also people who choose to date younger and younger people to gain more and more control.

MangoMoon · 30/05/2016 22:21

Tbh, you sound quite immature & he sounds like a bit of a knob.

He's 30 & a company director, but yet he behaves like a child - getting shouty because of his stress?

It seems most likely that the reason he wanted to meet your child is because he's more likely to see her around if he's spending time with you - yet you wouldn't necessarily have to be around on his contact days with his daughter, so no point in you meeting her really.

nonladyofleisure · 30/05/2016 22:34

Your exes wife is 20 years older than you. I highly suspect this is down to her banning him from introducing you, he probably doesn't want to slag of the ex and say you aren't allowed, more likely you being the new girlfriend and you have your child more often if he hadn't met your child it would have been a lot more difficult for your relationship to progress seeing as you are with your child so often if you see what I mean?

I would suggest possibly meeting the ex before you meet the child? She probably thinks your all these Things and just another woman that her ex has rushed into....

It's so complicated after breaks up so many emotions.

If it makes you feel better my ex started another family within 3 months didn't ask my permission to introduce just did it and doesn't give a shit about confusing the child at all... Sounds to me like he's doing things properly and just wants to do the best for everyone. X

Original poster
Pritchyx · 30/05/2016 22:53

nonlady ooh, hadn't thought of that!
I have my DD Sunday evening-Thursday night.. So understandable that at some point he would be around my daughter but we usually spend the weekend together (outside of my working hrs! god damn motor trade and their shit hours) whereas, he has B Tuesday + Thursday (after school til 7pm) and then alternative weekends.
However, I'd be up for meeting the ex-wife, but she's already voiced her dislike for me. She's not even said a word to me so she has made a presumption and automatic judgement without meeting or speaking to me and it's irritating.
As for him, it's the fact he brushes off the entire conversation.. So if I bring it up in future then I'll give that a mention. He may feel more comfortable if she's to meet me before B does, as she can then get an idea of who I am and that I'm not a complete fruit loop that may be around her child in the future.

P.s - it isn't about me being eager to meet her, I can wait until they're both ready to do so. It's just having the conversation about it that's the main concern.

OP posts: