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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should have met his daughter by now?

116 replies

Pritchyx · 30/05/2016 16:02

Have been with my boyfriend for 6 months, he has a 6yo daughter from a previous relationship which ended 4 years ago... His last 2 girlfriends had met her by this point also - something he accidentally let slip when drunk the other week.
He has already met my 3yo daughter which he did a couple of months ago.. He asked to meet her, and I have no qualms with that. My daughters dad has no issues with it either - I'm always upfront about it with him, to make him aware.. As he is with me.

However, bit peeved with the boyfriend as was under the impression that I'd be going to his families barbecue today. He stayed last night and left this morning at 8 to go the office, so I asked what time I should get to his for... Only to be responded with "you can't come now, because B is coming." Meaning his ex-w will no doubt be there and she's made it clear to him that she doesn't like me despite never speaking nor meeting me.

Aibu to think I should've met his daughter by now? Or do you think there's more to it? Ive tried to entertain the subject, but either ends with him ignoring what I've said, or him changing the subject.. So not sure what to do now..Confused

OP posts:
chubbylover78 · 31/05/2016 00:24

It took my partner 7 years to pusuade his ex to let me meet his son. His ex said I could meet him after we had been together for 6 months but it never happened until another 6 and a half years later. She would always use the crap excuse of "he's too young to understand" more like you don't trust the judgement of your childs father.
Hang in there because there's no rush believe me. If he's commited to you it will happen in time.

MeMySonAndl · 31/05/2016 10:48

Chubby, that is out of order. Neither parent has the right to veto introduction. I understand some people agree to wait but not allowing introductions for 7 years only shows an unreasonable hold of the ex wife over the ex husband. How did he agree with that is also very difficult to understand.

chubbylover78 · 31/05/2016 11:24

Your telling me it's out of order! His ex refused contact if I was to be present, and when it did happen it was in her presence. It cost a fortune in solicitors fees just to arrange contact with his son. Ex's can be very bitter but if your commited in a relationship it will happen in time. The op relationship is still in its infancy and it is up to the parent (mother/father) when a meeting would be appropriate but in my case was just bitter and twisted and caused alot of upset.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 31/05/2016 11:35

Your boyfriend's daughter is a little older and more likely to get that you're a girlfriend rather than a pal. That might have a bearing on his reluctance.

However, you are only six months in and already he's shouty? That's not good. You should have nothing to be shouting about at this stage; it should all be butterflies and loveliness. Particularly given your recent loss you are really quite vulnerable. Please watch out for yourself.

MeMySonAndl · 31/05/2016 19:05

Chubby, what she wanted is irrelevant, her position would have been unsustainable in court unless your partner had done something very wrong. But I suspect many parents find it easier to go along with the wishes of an overpowering man/woman than try to fight their corner.

Having said that, sometimes is for the best. There are some horrible exs around.

bolognaadvice · 31/05/2016 19:09

highwaydragon - "he's been told no more until they've been together a year"... I see the idea in trying to protect the DC but "telling" your ex what to do surely can't be a great idea?!

chubbylover78 · 31/05/2016 20:01

Memysonandi, my partner's ex is a control freak where their son is concerned and she uses him him like a pawn in a sick game to blackmail my dp.
I can understand the op position and I introduced my son to my dp after a few months but I introduced my dp as a friend. My ex husband on the other hand moved a"girlfriend" in a week after I left him and my son met her straight away, and this is the way my son met all his other "bits of fluff" but I didn't interfere and let my ex use his judgement. Because of the many women my ex introduced my son he never thought of any of them as a permanent fixture in his life and now my ex has supposed to of remarried and my son doesn't like his wife, probably because he's had so many of my ex's girlfriends in his life over the years.

MeMySonAndl · 01/06/2016 00:31

Chubby, I know there are control freaks and control freaks. My BF's ex wife insisted in "vetting" me to check I was safe around her kid (I refused but continued to see the kid every week for the next 4 years as my BF wouldn't put with such non sense)

MeMySonAndl · 01/06/2016 00:39

Interestingly, she was so concerned in vetting me that forgot to check the credential of her own BF/Fiancé. She moved the guy in 6 weeks after meeting him, got engaged a month later, and had a proper tormented relationship with him as, in her words, "they were as bad as each other), the wedding was cancelled less than 6 months after they met. She kicked him out, and he came back to the house, stole every single item of sentimental value from her house and cut the electricity cables. When he was arrested she found out the guy had been in jail already for beating another women.

You would think that she learnt her lesson but nope, within 6 weeks she had moved another one in... They are now married, he seems such a good guy we are worried for him.

chubbylover78 · 01/06/2016 07:58

My dp ex wanted all my personal details to do a check on me but I refused. Why should I pander to her demands and blackmailing. She's still not over it after 8 years of us being together and still insists on using their son to blacmail my dp. Just after Xmas she asked for half towards swimming lessons for their son, my partner refused as he pays his child support and treats him when he sees him. Her excuse for wanting money was because their son wasn't learning to swim quick enough with school! What a crock because he's not even having swimming lessons in school yet and when it was his son's birthday she said he wants cash towards the swimming lessons, my dp refused again and on asking what else he would like instead she said he's asking people for cash towards his lessons! What 8yr old asks for that? He's always primed by his mum on what to ask for but dp isn't so stupid that he believes it for a second.

howtodowills · 01/06/2016 08:01

chubby it's really sad that she's putting the son in the middle of it.

OP - have you got any further with your conversations with your DP?

MeMySonAndl · 01/06/2016 08:15

Any young child will ask for swimming lessons if their friends are going. I have paid all lessons DS has had over the years, and considering my ex earns more than 5 times what I earn, I feel the situation is unfair as, he expects me to provide the same standard of living we had, but with 1/5 of the budget. His CM payments are far from enough (and they are mostly used in keeping a roof over our heads)..

So in that I think you are unreasonable, swimming lessons is pretty much one of the basic things most children attend at some points in their lives.

howtodowills · 01/06/2016 08:22

If she genuinely can't afford the swimming lessons then your DP is being harsh to his son chubby but it is possible ex w is blowing plenty of cash on herself and then pleading poverty. My DPs ex has been known to do this. It's awful seeing the kids go without when you have no control of what the maintenance goes on

Original poster
Pritchyx · 01/06/2016 08:35

howto no further conversations about it as of yet, haven't seen him as he has DD this week exception of today as he has meetings all day that can't be rearranged.
However, unlikely to see him until the weekend as I feel like a blue-arsed fly as I've been on the go all week and were only on Wednesday

May attempt conversation again on Sunday? Or at least try to dig into his concerns as such! He can't ignore me forever Grin

OP posts:
howtodowills · 01/06/2016 10:21

Is B the ex or the daughter? If he's not inviting you to a BBQ because his ex is there (and he is still going) this would worry me.
Btw I've been through tricky situations with my DP and his ex so kind of get how you feel. Never an issue with meeting kids though - we wanted to wait but his bloody ex told the kids about us... Hmm in her own, extremely manipulative and negative way.

Pearlman · 01/06/2016 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Pritchyx · 01/06/2016 10:49

howto B is his daughter. As far as I'm aware, his daughter knows of me as she has seen pictures of me and her dad on his phone and has asked who I am...

OP posts:
HandyWoman · 01/06/2016 11:51

I think the real issue is 1) refusing to discuss the issue and 2) the dynamic with the ex, who is also presumably his boss and drops in unannounced and is still very much part of his family to the exclusion on you. It seems like he is either afraid or ashamed or not as committed to you as it seemed. Perhaps asking to meet your dd was to pave the way for more convention coming and going to your house. But it seems the sentiment is very much one way. Not being able to discuss it is very suspect and a red flag, I think.

chubbylover78 · 01/06/2016 14:14

Howtodowills, my dp ex is still living the same way she did when they were together so it's her own fault of she can't afford things. My dp had to go to the csa to pay cm as she was having half his wages and he couldn't afford for it to carry on that way. She still thinks that she can live a frivolous lifestyle on her wage alone and then use their son as a pawn when she wants something paying for. She had the audacity to ask for £100 towards a blind for their ds bedroom window! And he bought a new carpet because a battery out of one his toys made a mark in it. Her parents live the way she wants to(theysplit, her dad lives with a woman but runs around for his wife and they celebrate their wedding anniversary together!) But my dp wants nothing to do with her. He's there for his son, visits him regularly 150miles away from us, pays his cm and treats etc but it's still not enough.
The op needs to have a serious talk with her dp and if he's insistant on avoiding the issue she needs to reconsider their relaionship, I know what it's like and it's not worth all the heartache it causes.

TheNaze73 · 01/06/2016 14:41

I really think you need to let this go for the time being. It's been 6 months. The fact you want to meet his ex wife as well, sounds odd to me as well, so soon. Why? Can't you live for today & see what happens?? Good luck

howtodowills · 01/06/2016 15:17

I don't think OP wants To meet the ex does she? Just that she's said she would if ex wanted it?

My DP's ex demanded a meeting with me as her kids were spending time with me (fair enough) and when I said I was very happy to go for a coffee with her she said "why would I want to go for coffee with her? I just want to see what she looks like?"

Chubby - do you resent your DP spending money on his DS? Sounds a bit like that?

howtodowills · 01/06/2016 15:19

I don't think OP should let this go. If her DP is disregarding her feelings to keep his ex happy then there's a problem. If he genuinely wants to wait before introducing her to his DD to make sure it's a permanent relationship then that is different. All comes down to if he's thinking for him and his DD or just still under the influence of a controlling ex.... We don't know which is why OP should have a good chat with him

Toofondofcake · 01/06/2016 15:23

From the kids point of view also she has been introduced to a lot of women recently who took up her dads time and attention. Being introduced to you this early May work against you.

I was in. This position about a dozen ones with my dad introducing new girlfriends to me and I hated them all. Be wary of you want this to last with him long term. Waiting might be best.

chubbylover78 · 01/06/2016 16:49

Howtodowills, I dont resent any money he spends on his son. Why would I? He pays his own bills etc and what he does with what's left of his money is his business. It's his ex that needs to stop trying to keep up with the Jones and living the way they used to and then she would have money instead of using their son as a bargaining chip to get cash from my dp. Would you spend £100 on one blind for a kids bedroom window? I certainly wouldn't be that stupid not would I ever ask for extra money off my ex. He pays what he has to and it's Ok with me.

Original poster
Pritchyx · 01/06/2016 19:10

I've come to the decision that I'm going to let it lie a little while longer before trying to entertain the subject again, but this time come with more persistence as to what his concerns are more so than "why won't you let me meet her". However, I believe it's more to do with the ex-wife after what he's mentioned today to me...
(He's had their DD this week but his mum had her today, then ex-wife turned up at the office after realising he wasn't home and demanded she had their daughter back. Even though it's his week to have her... States in court documents they share school holidays, so if she has her for one half term, he will have her the next... He said he couldn't be bothered with the argument so told her she could have their DD tonight but to drop her to his in the morning to which ex-wife said no...) Hmm
However, whenever I do have the conversation and if there is any concerns from ex-wife about me then if he wants me to meet her to remove any concerns she has about me then I'd be happy to do so. But that is IF he wants that.

However, won't bother bringing it up until the current funeral situation is done with and may potentially have a new job in the pipeline so those are more of a priority as such... So time will tell. But if anyone else has any suggestions??

OP posts: