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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should have met his daughter by now?

116 replies

Pritchyx · 30/05/2016 16:02

Have been with my boyfriend for 6 months, he has a 6yo daughter from a previous relationship which ended 4 years ago... His last 2 girlfriends had met her by this point also - something he accidentally let slip when drunk the other week.
He has already met my 3yo daughter which he did a couple of months ago.. He asked to meet her, and I have no qualms with that. My daughters dad has no issues with it either - I'm always upfront about it with him, to make him aware.. As he is with me.

However, bit peeved with the boyfriend as was under the impression that I'd be going to his families barbecue today. He stayed last night and left this morning at 8 to go the office, so I asked what time I should get to his for... Only to be responded with "you can't come now, because B is coming." Meaning his ex-w will no doubt be there and she's made it clear to him that she doesn't like me despite never speaking nor meeting me.

Aibu to think I should've met his daughter by now? Or do you think there's more to it? Ive tried to entertain the subject, but either ends with him ignoring what I've said, or him changing the subject.. So not sure what to do now..Confused

OP posts:
HappyNevertheless · 30/05/2016 16:54

Is the issue not the fact that he is refusing to talk about it rather than the fact he doesn't think it's the right time?

I';m getting the feeling that what the OP was expecting is that if HE thinks that was the right time for him to meet her dd, that meant he was serious about the relationhsip and should have been happy for her to meet his own DC too.
I would also be annoyed at the ex going to his family bbq but her not been invited. Why is it that the ex is so involved with his family still?
And why is it that he didn't tell her until the morning that actually that was off?
His communication skills look crap TBH.

OnYerBikePan · 30/05/2016 16:57

Not sure what to do OP? Let him decide how best to manage the situation. As people have said, it sounds like he is learning from experience and will start looking foolish possibly in his dd's eyes.

What's okay for you isn't okay for others. People are different.

Original poster
Pritchyx · 30/05/2016 17:07

I want to point out, that he isn't known to my daughter as my boyfriend - he's known as "mummy's friend" and we're entirely fine with that. We don't kiss or anything in front of her neither.
His daughter knows of me, but has never met me.. She has seen pictures of me and her dad from when we've been out or away so knows what I look like. Ex-w is 20yr my senior and has a tendency to drop in unannounced at his property or his work-place (owns his own company).
However, it's not the case of me pushing or being eager to meet his daughter... It's the case of him not even wanting to discuss when it could be a possibility or what are his concerns. He shuts me down completely by not even cooperating in it.
He asked to meet my daughter, which is fine by all means - and we have nice days out together to farms, parks, zoos etc... And he is so good with her - but I feel a bit bad that his daughter can't come with us.
Yes 6 months isn't long - but what would happen if it was to be left 2 years and then DD hates me? Would be a LOT worse at that point..

Oh and none of the ex's bar the wife have children... Just to point that out. Think I'm overqualified in comparison Grin

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 30/05/2016 17:11

Why is his ex wife's age relevant?! Hmm

ApocalypseNowt · 30/05/2016 17:17

While i agree with other posters that 6 months is still on the early side and it's totally up to him to decide on an appropriate timescale, I think him not even wanting to discuss it must be understandably frustrating for the OP.

If he said "my DC have met girlfriends before and it was too soon/they were upset when it ended/etc/etc" or let OP know what his thoughts were "I see this happening after 9/12 months, etc" then a conversation can be had and everyone can get on the same page (or not, as the case may be).

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 30/05/2016 17:21

Agree with hacker the lack of communication is the real issue.
Also...is he 20 years older than you Op? Could be that he doesn't see this as serious..

SisterMoonshine · 30/05/2016 17:23

Do you have a 20 year age gap he's maybe embarrassed about.

BertrandRussell · 30/05/2016 17:24

Ex wife's age is relevant because?

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 30/05/2016 17:24

I must say, though, my dad had several girlfriends over the years, I certainly never got attached to any of them. I met a few-barely registered. I think.if children have a stable relationship with the parents, they are a bit " Meh" about boyfriends / girlfriends.

Original poster
Pritchyx · 30/05/2016 17:24

IfNotNow no, he's 8yrs older than me. I'm 22, he's 30.

OP posts:
Becky546 · 30/05/2016 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsSpecter · 30/05/2016 17:36

I think the fact he isnt willing to discuss it and that you appear to have different expectations of when it should happen suggests very strongly, it isnt the right time. There are clearly things you two need to hammer out before you can say you are in a committed relationship. So until you are, then of course he is right not to introduce you to his child.

HappyNevertheless · 30/05/2016 17:39

It sounds like he is trying not to risk the boat with his ex which may be wise

Why is that?

The fact he is refusing to communicate about it, the ex is invited to a bbq with his family rather than her and finally the fact she dropping to see him at random times would make me twitchy.
It really looks like they haven't severed the bridges between each other and still very involved in other's life.
Which would be fine IF she wasn't also vetoing who the OP's bf is going out with, if he can invite her to a family BBQ etc...

applesvpears · 30/05/2016 17:43

I didn't meet my boyfriends kids for 3 years ! Confused

YoureSoSlyButSoAmI · 30/05/2016 17:53

How old were the exes?

Id guess that due to the age gap he possibly doesn't see you as a long term prospect.

MeMySonAndl · 30/05/2016 17:55

i know that a lot of people are a bit sacrosanct about not introducing new partners until x amounts of months later, but I also believe that doing so is irresponsible as well. Part of choosing the right partner is to see how they relate to your kids, and you won't know that unless they interact with each other. I do think however that as long as boyfriends do not stay over and you avoid being overly affectionate in a romantic way in front of the kids, the children will be ok, there's no need to pretend they are uncles. Children can perfectly understand that mum can have friends without that meaning they are official part of the family.

So I wouldn't judge for introducing your child to him, but if he is not clear this relationship is serious and has some scope to become permanent, I think he shouldn't introduce you as a girlfriend, but it seems to me his reluctance to introduce you means you are not in the same page so it may be a good idea to keep him away of your DD until he is clear your relationship is one to keep.

If he is unsure, do Nov let him stay or grow a bond with your child. He doesn't deserve such openness if he cannot reciprocate.

HappyNevertheless · 30/05/2016 17:57

YY MeMYSon

How the new partner relate to the child (and visa versa) is crucial. How can you know if they never meet up?

Enkopkaffetak · 30/05/2016 17:59

I think he was unreasonable to ask to meet your DC but not let you meet his.

Absolutely agree with this. It is not a matter of what suits one suits the other. If he has realised his dd was troubled by meeting his x he should have considered how that would be for OP's child too.

OP if you like him I would ask outright when he intends to let the 2 of you meet. If he is evasive on this I would consider if he is thinking long term or " just good enough right now"

Original poster
Pritchyx · 30/05/2016 18:00

youreSo the first one is 32, and the second was 25. Eldest is his ex-wife..

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 30/05/2016 18:02

Why don't you just enjoy the relationship for what it is & take it slowly? Is everything else ok?

coco1810 · 30/05/2016 18:05

YABVU its not your place to decide when you meet this child. It sounds like she's already met two girlfriends who have left her life. I should imagine his Ex is very annoyed at this. Not everyone has to dance to your tune.

Becky546 · 30/05/2016 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Pritchyx · 30/05/2016 18:12

TheNaze as far as I'm aware yes, he's been fab for the last 6 months. He's had his moments where he's taken out his stress on me by getting a bit shouty at me but he's a company director and if things go to shit, it's on his head and I bite back when he's being an arse... However, he's lovely 99% of the time, and cannot fault him. He'll bend over backwards for me if I need anything or any support.

OP posts:
MimiSunshine · 30/05/2016 18:13

I think you need to talk to him about why he won't talk to you about this issue rather than why he won't introduce you to his daughter

Original poster
Pritchyx · 30/05/2016 18:14

becky about crackers, could be onto something... Ex-wife did take a spade to his brand new car when the divorce finalised.. I have seen photographic evidence... Did sympathise at the time, but there's more that I could say, but don't feel it's inappropriate Blush

OP posts:
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