Am I unreasonable to be p***ed off with my daughter and her wedding?

[kathycraig79]

My daughter's wedding is this summer, we've been planning it together for months and we have genuinely had a good time doing so. However, my daughter is a vegan, and she is adamant that the wedding also must be vegan. This is fine with me, I support her wish and this is for her to decide. We sent the invitations (and I thought it would be a good idea to include the information about vegan catering on the invitations) and we have had many RSVPs basically saying they will not be coming if the food is vegan. I have to say this was unexpected, many of the family are quite traditional, meat-and-two-veg, but I did not expect this to be such a problem.

The thing now is that many of the guests are refusing to come, and my daughter is not willing to budge. I personally don't see the big deal in catering for everyone's tastes, it was a bloody nightmare to book the vegan caterer. I'm really getting frustrated, yesterday my daughter said she was thinking of cancelling the whole thing and thinks the guests are being unreasonable. Maybe I should not have put this information on the invitations?

It's so rude and unnecessary to decline - I'm sure that many posters have eaten quite appalling food at weddings - that I'd have to guess that they didn't much like your daughter/ really want to come in any case and this is their excuse. You can't really say that to her though.

What's done is done with regard to the invites. I'd simply thank them for letting you all know, cancel them from the list and fill up any spare places with friends who will actually be good fun to have there on the day.

Want to share this typo from page one - "Lots of vegans ate vegans for ethical issues"

I really hope people aren't going to eat vegans!

Anyway, this is why while me and OH are engaged we are refusing to have a wedding that involves family . My friend recently got married and paid about £40 per head for the meal in a very posh stately home after saving for years, and people still complained.

It's your daughter's day, so if she would feel uncomfortable having meat being served there that's her choice. Sounds like those refusing to come are just looking for a free meal anyway.

So you are annoyed at your Dd for having food of her choice, because it's upset some family members you don't get on with and that you think may not come anyway?

And your Dd is the one you are frustrated with?

Sorry OP I think that's awful

What I don't understand is why the guests mentioned it was about the food in their RSVP. That is completely rude. They are perfectly entitled to decline any invitation for any reason or to give no reason but they have absolutely no right to try to dictate the day and put caveats on their attendance.

To be honest I think you did the right thing letting them know, if they were this rude about the invitation, what would they have been like if the food was just presented to them on the day?

OP I think it is staggering how unsupportive you appear to be of your daughter.

Generally people live a vegan lifestyle for ethical reasons. If someone feels strongly against the use of animal products then why on earth should they be expected to pay for and provide them?

You seem way too over involved in the whole thing. It is your daughters wedding and should be a reflection of her tastes and beliefs, not yours.

My own mother would have been raging had my invited guests taken the same attitude over something so petty. But not with me, with the guests.

Seriously. Sort your priories out.

Vegan food is delicious and anyone that won't even give it a go is just being utterly ridiculous.

I agree.

Now, remind me how the "fussy eaters who won't try new things are a bore, they should just shut the fuck up" threads usually end? Oh yes, with lots of fussy eaters who won't try new things parading their victim complexes and complaining that they are socially excluded.

It's entirely reasonable to have a vegan wedding: I've been to a few. It's entirely reasonable to have new (to the guests) and interesting food at weddings (ditto). But MN tends to hold that fussy eaters are entitled to have their tastes catered for...

Why does your DD want to cancel, because the numbers are affected?

I can see both sides - that your DD wants a vegan day and that your relatives would like the same kind of concession that they provide her with. Tricky (especially if you think they may be looking for an issue, if you don't get on).

I think you've done your daughter a favour tbh.

You've managed to weed out the users who were only coming for a free dinner, and instead she'll be left with guests who actually care about her having the lovely day of her choosing.

Replace the rude family members with friends.

Can't believe in reading this. The guests are being incredibly rude, her (and her DF's) wedding, her choice. They're being invited to celebrate their marriage and being fed for free - why should she compromise her principles to accommodate their stomachs?

If they're more interested in getting meat into their stomachs than celebrating their family member's happiness on her wedding day then they don't deserve to be there anyway.

(and I say this as a meat eater)

I think it's the right thing to do to give people advance warning about the meal actually. I would be worried about a vegan meal because I despise all pulses, beans lentils and peas may feature heavily in a vegan meal so I would want a couple of sandwiches secreted about my family. I'd also make sure I had a hearty breakfast and possibly plan to get something on the way home.

But I wouldn't refuse to attend based on the meal alone. It would be nice to have vegetarian options to give more variety but then I can't imagine a buffet without quiche and cheese so I may be biased!

Thing is from guests pov they have provided alternatives for your dd, if she would pnl;y attend their functions if she had vegan food . Maybe they should come and sneak some bacon sarnies for the bridegroom!

Seriously though it is your dds day and up to her what menu is served.

OK I tried posting but my post has went AWOL

Would it be possible to encourage people to have the vegan food and let them pay if they want meat

I do think they are trying to manipulate the situation and push for a change to the menu, this is how it feels to me.

My concern is that it was going to be a small wedding anyway (approx 50 people) and now 10 people are not coming. I just don't want it to be too sad. My daughter thinks that if the numbers are too low she may be forced to cancel. The problem is there is no one else we could invite to bump the numbers up - her fiance has a very small family and they have already invited all the friends they want to come to the wedding.

I wouldn't be looking forward to the meal, frankly. So the whole day would be that much less appealing and would be a factor in my decision to go or not. I'm certain that I wouldn't dream of discussing this with the mother of the bride though!

They should not put you in that position. Clearly, this is your daughter's wishes and her wedding. Very unfair of them to make you feel bad.

Why should the daughter have to have neat at her wedding if she thinks it's unethical? Guests paying won't change that.

Not everyone finds vegan food delicious by any means.

Seems incredibly stupid not to want to attend a wedding because of the choice of meal... and unbelievably rude to actually state this as the reason.

Don't they have any friends they could invite?

I think the guests are in the wrong. And it's much better for them to be throwing their toys out of the pram now rather than on the wedding day.

Kathy the wedding and party can happen if there is a bride and groom and two witnesses. Don't mention cancelling there are still 40 people attending who genuinely want to be there. Forget about the non attendees and focus on your daughter.

Then it's only 40 people who want to come? That sounds fine - and those will be people that want to be there.

I wouldn't make too big a thing of it. Just 'Thanks for telling us and how is that ingrown toenail?' sort of conversations. Let them feel churlish and unnecessary for refusing.

Realistically the difference between having forty and fifty people at the wedding is going to be nothing, and why would she be sad? She's having the wedding she (and her fiancé want).

What's to stop people sticking a few sandwiches in a bag or nipping out to the chippy quietly? Why do they need to act like spoilt children?

Your DD shouldn't be manipulated by the guests. Perhaps providing them with a copy of the menu would help? As a PP said if guests have allergies then they might be concerned there will be nothing they can eat since a vegan menu is an unknown to them .
Tbh I am more intrigued by the fact your DD's fiance wanted to provide options but your DD has had final say. Perhaps those conversations led the guests to expect they would be catered for hence the invite being a surprise?