Am I unreasonable to be p***ed off with my daughter and her wedding?

[kathycraig79]

My daughter's wedding is this summer, we've been planning it together for months and we have genuinely had a good time doing so. However, my daughter is a vegan, and she is adamant that the wedding also must be vegan. This is fine with me, I support her wish and this is for her to decide. We sent the invitations (and I thought it would be a good idea to include the information about vegan catering on the invitations) and we have had many RSVPs basically saying they will not be coming if the food is vegan. I have to say this was unexpected, many of the family are quite traditional, meat-and-two-veg, but I did not expect this to be such a problem.

The thing now is that many of the guests are refusing to come, and my daughter is not willing to budge. I personally don't see the big deal in catering for everyone's tastes, it was a bloody nightmare to book the vegan caterer. I'm really getting frustrated, yesterday my daughter said she was thinking of cancelling the whole thing and thinks the guests are being unreasonable. Maybe I should not have put this information on the invitations?

[kathycraig79]

I am trying to be supportive, but I don't really understand why my daughter can't allow a menu choice to try and please everyone. The people who have refused told me (they spoke with me directly) that they are fed up having to make concessions for my daughter and provide vegan food at any parties or events (not that they have thrown many), and then not have their own tastes catered for when the roles are reversed.

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

I think there are a few different issues. Making a point that the food was vegan (rather than providing a menu) seems like virtue signalling. It may also have caused guests to question if the entire wedding is vegan ie can they wear their leather shoes? Is the chocolate snack in their bag OK?

It put a barrier in place and tbh I wonder why you did it. How could people prepare differently knowing it was vegan? They couldn't. It just gave them an expectation that the food would be rubbish. (My DSIS is vegan and even at 4* venues with much prior warning the vegan options have been rubbish). That principles were more important than guests and that they no longer knew if they were welcome.

[BlueLeafTea]

Kathy I think that's unfair. The relatives can eat vegan food. Your daughter is not just going to go to a BBC and eat chicken is she?

[TheNaze73]

Your poor daughter, I wouldn't want guests at my wedding, who were making a choice on her food preferences. So wrong

[PunkAssMoFo]

I went to a vegan wedding which was also teetotal. It was miserable. The food was awful. At least if someone had warned me I could've taken a snack to keep me going on such a lengthy occasion.
Another wedding in the same family decided to have vegetarian instead of vegan & alcohol was available (despite the couple being vegan teetotalers) it was a great day & they had obviously considered their guests.
I wouldn't relish the thought of a vegan wedding again, but for close family I would go (& take some food in my bag!)

[kathycraig79]

I do regret the invitations, I pushed for it because I wanted to be 'upfront' and not cause any problems on the day. It may well have come across wrong, I probably should have just left it and guests would just have to eat whatever was served.

[PurpleDaisies]

Have I committed a crime by admitting that I'm not a fan of vegan meals? I'd suck it up as I said upthread so if I can do it why can't other guests? Although I guess some people really hate being told what they can/can't eat.

No I was making the point that most people who are not arseholes will put up with a good choice they wouldn't necessarily make themselves because they want to support a friend or relative. I'm surprised so many in the op's family won't do the same as you.

[PurpleDaisies]

Food not good choice

[CalleighDoodle]

You were silly to put it on invites. Weddings are about the joining of two people, not what food is on offer. If People are only coming because if a free meal then they are jackasses and should be uninvited anyway.

[PurpleDaisies]

kathy you still haven't mentioned the fiancé. What do they think? This is not your wedding.

[LadyStarkOfWinterfell]

Your daughter has done nothing wrong. She needs to ignore the idiots. However I wouldn't have put it on the invitation because it's not that important! who the fuck moans at an actual wedding if they are served meat free food?

[Nishky]

DaveCamoron so you would go to a wedding worrying that the meal would put a dampner on the day. That is very odd.

Every wedding I have been to I have just enjoyed seeing old friends, etc etc

Not once have I sat in the car on the way to a wedding thinking ' oh I hope the meal is OK'

Yours is a very odd response

[NataliaOsipova]

Oh, that's awful - poor DD! I have to say, I think you did the right thing to put it on the invitations. I've seen loads of threads on here where the general consensus is "tell people if things will differ from the norm and that's fine" - and I agree with that. If your response to the invitation is "Oh God, a vegan dinner", then you know to have a massive meat feast lunch, or plan your route home via Burger King. I've been in that situation as I absolutely loathe all types of Indian food (or at least, all types I've ever tried!) but have several very good friends who have had traditional Indian weddings. I wouldn't have dreamt of not being there and I picked at my food politely. Still had a great time, but had had a big lunch!

Feel very sorry for your DD. As another poster says, at least she will know who her friends are!

[GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER]

Hmm. Playing Devil's Advocate here, but I suppose people who are maybe going to have to come a long way, and shell out quite a lot one way and another (if this is the case - being a wedding guest often does not come cheap) might feel that if they're not even going to get a meal they would really enjoy out of it, they don't feel like bothering.
I can't help feeling that a bride who really cares about her guests enjoying their day, would want to provide the sort of food they would enjoy. She can have a vegan meal for herself and anyone else so inclined.

At her wedding last year my dd bent over backwards to make sure all her guests' particular tastes were catered for, so that they could all enjoy their day to the full. But then she was very conscious that many of them were coming a long way and spending a fair bit, for her big day.

[Hissy]

If the guests want to be so rude, let them. Accept their refusal

Fuck em.

They are making threats in order to manipulate, assume this your inlaws side? Or hers?

She needs to stick to her guns, and she is now free to invite people she wants there and who want to be there.

I don't do manipulation, as soon as I see it, I shut the game right down.

[BikeGeek]

I wouldn't decline but I must admit that as I'm coeliac I'd be concerned at what a vegan & coeliac friendly meal might look like.

But YABU to be pissed off with your daughter about this if she's happy to serve a vegan meal and accept that some guests won't attend because of it.

[Fluffycloudland77]

I think when. You've been vegan eating meat again can really upset your digestion.

I would invite them to the ceremony, then they can leave if they want to.

I admire her for having principles. The veggie guests at our wedding all chose the have menu I chose because it was a posh venue and they knew it would be nice. The chef offered them any veggie dish they wanted so it's not like I was offering them beans on toast.

[CoolforKittyCats]

I actually think they just don't want to go and are using it as an excuse.

[winewolfhowls]

I never heard something so ridiculous in my life. what ungrateful guests, being invited to a wedding is an honour, to witness two people being joined in love. It isn't a family meal. It's vegan not peppered shit.

You should be standing up for your daughter by phoning these relatives and giving them what for! Your daughter deserves guests who want to be there.

[kathycraig79]

Sorry, I missed the question about my daughter's fiance. He is not vegan but is supportive of the cause - he has said that he doesn't understand why they can't have options for everyone, but equally the guests with an issue are all from our side of the family so he is not really that concerned whether they come or not I think, he is staying out of it.

[BigDamnNCFail]

YABU, the people who refuse to attend the wedding ABU your daughter INBU.

I am trying to be supportive, but I don't really understand why my daughter can't allow a menu choice to try and please everyone. The people who have refused told me (they spoke with me directly) that they are fed up having to make concessions for my daughter and provide vegan food at any parties or events (not that they have thrown many), and then not have their own tastes catered for when the roles are reversed.

There's a worldof difference between providing an alternative meal for a family member that you have no moral objection to and being forced to completely compromise your ethics on your wedding day because your guests are being selfish. I don't understand what's difficult to understand about that?

[BillBrysonsBeard]

They sound like cretins. It's one day! And vegetable dishes are tasty anyway, it's not like they'll be forced to eat leaves and berries. They have their priorities wrong.. The meal is a small part of it. I wouldn't want those kinds of people there.

[WheresLarry]

I'm going to get destroyed for saying this but it would put me off attending. I am very fussy when it comes to food, probably an unhealthy diet but I wouldn't be able to eat a veg only meal. That's my issue but then it would be my choice to attend or not.

Also weddings can last from 12 to midnight (or all the ones I have been to do), I wouldn't be able to go a whole day without eating a proper meal that fills me up, that along with drinking would be a messy day.

I get what people are saying and people can think it's pathetic for another adult to not put up with vegan menu for one day but I know I would struggle because my food options are limited (admittedly by myself).

[2nds]

Curiousmum69 getting people there under false pretences with a memo stating that the catering will be 'fixed' is a bit odd and might lead to a few people turning up and getting disgruntled over the food.

Op how many guests had she planned for and how many have refused to go?

If she doesn't want to pay for a meal with meat, would it not be possible for her to encourage people to try her vegan food and allow guests who really don't want it to pay for their own meals? I know it's not ideal but it's just a suggestion.

[Gazelda]

The fiancé seems to have gone missing!

To be honest OP, you seem to be exerting lots of control influence over the wedding arrangements, so maybe your DD is digging her heels in over the vegan catering as an act of defiance? Either way, she and her DFiance have the right to choose the catering for their own wedding (with consultation from anyone else who is making a financial contribution).

From your later post, I'm not sure if the guests have declined purely because of the vegan meal. You don't say that they've given that specific reason.

The guests are rude (if it's the vegan meal that is the reason for their declining) and YABU to be pissed off at your DD.