Am I unreasonable to be p***ed off with my daughter and her wedding?

[kathycraig79]

My daughter's wedding is this summer, we've been planning it together for months and we have genuinely had a good time doing so. However, my daughter is a vegan, and she is adamant that the wedding also must be vegan. This is fine with me, I support her wish and this is for her to decide. We sent the invitations (and I thought it would be a good idea to include the information about vegan catering on the invitations) and we have had many RSVPs basically saying they will not be coming if the food is vegan. I have to say this was unexpected, many of the family are quite traditional, meat-and-two-veg, but I did not expect this to be such a problem.

The thing now is that many of the guests are refusing to come, and my daughter is not willing to budge. I personally don't see the big deal in catering for everyone's tastes, it was a bloody nightmare to book the vegan caterer. I'm really getting frustrated, yesterday my daughter said she was thinking of cancelling the whole thing and thinks the guests are being unreasonable. Maybe I should not have put this information on the invitations?

I would like to know the menu choice as I'm allergic to peppers and would imagine vegan food would probably contain them. However I would never refuse a wedding invitation based on the meal choice. I would make allowances and have a huge breakfast and bring some snacks with me. There's also always plenty of time during photos etc to sneak off and find a McDonald's if necessary. The true meaning of a wedding is to celebrate the Union of 2 people who love each other and want to be together for the rest of their lives, it's not about what food is being served at the reception!

I am astounded people would not go to a wedding because the food is vegan.

My Dh is vegetarian and so we had a totally vegetarian wedding. No one complained at all. There's no way on Earth Dh was going to pay for a hundred meat meals when he is a vegetarian for ethical reasons! There's been quite a few weddings we've attended where Dh has had no food at all such as hog roast with no veggie option or the veggie option has been spectacularly awful but he wouldn't dream of moaning.

If I hated the food at a wedding I just wouldn't eat it. I go for the couple and the party not the food. I'd be pleased these people weren't coming, they are rude.

My daughter thought that 50 people was too small (compared with what she wanted - 150-200). She has this idea of what a wedding 'should' be, and I think she is disappointed that it isn't a bigger event. This is why I'm a bit frustrated as she wants a large wedding but then it not prepared to make concessions for everyone.

Kathy I wonder if the grumpy relatives would come to the ceremony only if they prefer not to eat the food?

I agree the relatives are being manipulative & bullying. It's not really your decision though. I wouldn't engage in any further discussion with them, and just support your DD.

Some vegetarian food is absolutely delicious, I am not sure the difference Vegan makes. If I was that worried I would just take a Double Whopper with me and eat it before the reception.

Ridiculous to refuse an invite due to the food at reception though. I think you have unintentionally potentially dug up a source of resentment for many years to come.

This is why I'm a bit frustrated as she wants a large wedding but then it not prepared to make concessions for everyone.

Again, this is not your wedding. It is entirely the choice of your daughter and her fiancé.

If she wants them to come, I'd be tempted to say OK you can have a special menu and serve vegan food that looks like there is meat (like spaghetti bol with meatfree meatballs for example). They'll be none the wiser as it looks so much like real meat. It does sound like they are looking for an excuse to make a fuss or are wanting to put pressure on your DD, which are both unreasonable IMO.

I had 22 people at my wedding - that included me and DH - it was lovely.

I would say 10 people less means lower costs! More tto spend on honeymoon!

I think YABU in not supporting your DDs wishes.

there isn't anyone else we could invite

OP you are wayyyyy over invested in this
It is not your wedding
Let the actual people getting married worry about this stuff
Back off

They'll be none the wiser as it looks so much like real meat.

I really like quorn but it doesn't taste the same as real meat. They will know and likely create a scene about being deceived. Bad idea!

Op you just keep saying the same thing over and over-people don't agree with you that your daughter should change her wedding to make these people come. You need to accept her choices and back off.

If it's just about the number of people, what about inviting more friends or family friends?

I know I should stay out of it and let her decide, I just feel in a way like it is my fault for putting this on the invitation

As a meat eater I can completely see why a vegan would not want to offer a meat option on the menu, it is not the same as a meat eater offering a vegetarian option at all. I feel sad for your daughter that so many friends and relatives are putting what goes into their bellies above the true meaning of the day.

Did she read the invitation before it was sent?

My daughter thought that 50 people was too small (compared with what she wanted - 150-200).

Then she's silly.

They are being unbelievably rude. I wouldnt want them there if I was her.
I'm sure the food will be beautiful. I've a veggie refuser child and I'd think 'oh shit' at the invite, but because you've prewarned, I'd just take a ham sandwich in case he doesn't eat the food.

But why were you 'putting things on the invitation' to an event that isn't yours??

The wedding guests are being unreasonable

You are being unreasonable to be annoyed with your daughter

I know the world has changed but its the marriage/ceremony thats important not the food

I had 4 people at my wedding...both sets of parents. I was going to have a big reception party but some of my aunts and uncles said they didnt see the point in coming if it wasnt an actual wedding...so i thought fuck em and didnt bother . Plus it would have been a vegetarian meal...that would have sent them right over the edge

I previously thought that the refuseniks were being completely U until I read your post regarding how they have catered for your dd's food prefs at previous, albeit rare, events in the past. This is the point they are trying to make - we did for you, why can't you for us, and they are not overlooking this for her wedding because, as you said, you don't really get on.

So, have a smaller wedding and possibly more vegan champagne..

It doesn't make sense that the bride wantedabigger wedding (150-200) but can't find any more family and/or friends to bump the numbers up from 40 to 50 .

PurpleDaisies
Most of Quorn is not vegan as contains egg white. Their "chicken nuggets" are however indistinguishable from the real thing.

40 nice people will be more than enough - half of my family didn't come because of they didn't approve of the location. I honestly couldn't have cared less as to me it was a reflection of their selfishness - I had a much better day without them. If yours come they'll probably only complain anyway, even if they get their way - who cares about food that much?!

It's not your fault, it's the relatives who are behaving badly. They are being intolerant of her beliefs. I would be proud of my daughter for sticking to her principles, and just reassure her that 40 people at a wedding who really love and respect her is better than 50 with 10 who don't.
I suspect some of them will change their mind when they realise she won't be manipulated anyway.