Am I unreasonable to be p***ed off with my daughter and her wedding?

[kathycraig79]

My daughter's wedding is this summer, we've been planning it together for months and we have genuinely had a good time doing so. However, my daughter is a vegan, and she is adamant that the wedding also must be vegan. This is fine with me, I support her wish and this is for her to decide. We sent the invitations (and I thought it would be a good idea to include the information about vegan catering on the invitations) and we have had many RSVPs basically saying they will not be coming if the food is vegan. I have to say this was unexpected, many of the family are quite traditional, meat-and-two-veg, but I did not expect this to be such a problem.

The thing now is that many of the guests are refusing to come, and my daughter is not willing to budge. I personally don't see the big deal in catering for everyone's tastes, it was a bloody nightmare to book the vegan caterer. I'm really getting frustrated, yesterday my daughter said she was thinking of cancelling the whole thing and thinks the guests are being unreasonable. Maybe I should not have put this information on the invitations?

[branston77]

Janecc

No one is being requested to spend hundreds on anything!

[Janecc]

Branson.

Did you not read the cancel the cheque saga?

[branston77]

No.

[fascicle]

Roussette
Re the wedding, I just don't understand why the bride can't serve a vegetarian meal.

No benefit at all in doing that. Not an appealing option for the bride and no reason why the guests would be able to tell the difference between the two.

two courses of tofu would really not do it for me as I don't particularly like the texture of it

Tofu comes in different forms, and preparing/cooking it is an opportunity to change its texture again. Saying you don't like its texture suggests limited experience with it.

[NerrSnerr]

I have tried tofu in many different forms and I have always hated it. It's bloody frustrating when people tell me I would like it if prepared differently! I don't like it I assure you!

[CoteDAzur]

"Nor should she be made to feel she has to to make others more comfortable."

It is not a novel idea that hosts should try to make their guests comfortable.

Re tofu; It's a bland, tasteless, non-food as far as I'm concerned. I understand that people with self-imposed dietary restrictions need tofu, "nutritional yeast" etc to survive but there is no need to feed such stuff to your guests for the one meal that they are in your power.

Assuming that the point of the meal is not forcing them to eat like you do, but having a relaxed, happy day.

[CRAZZZYLADY40]

what's the big deal about it being vegan, have these people never eaten salad/veg/fruit/bean dishes before? Shame on them for being so rude about an invite. I hope your daughter has a wonderful day without these cranks!!!

[Gide]

Laws amercy, it's made it to the Daily Fail, just seen it on my Facebook feed. Fuck you, Daily Mail, you're a bunch of wankers.

[NoFuchsGiven]

Just read this in the DM.

[Janecc]

Branston the op in that saga was berated by the Bridezilla for only giving £100. It started as a thread on Mumsnet and hit the press worldwide maybe less than a month ago.

£100 is what we gave recently to a cousin we don't really know plus outfits, plus diesel, plus hotel. Weddings really do cost guests hundreds. There are discussions about this on wedding threads. For some guests, this may be beyond their means of course so I'm not saying they definitely would be spending that. Although there is a high probability seeing as these are all day guests.

[nick247]

I think the bride-to-be needs to re-evaluate her friends. Refusing to attend because of the menu is downright rude. I am not veggie but love to try new foods.

[MidniteScribbler]

I want to sit and enjoy my meal without people making faces, constantly asking what I eat, saying 'ooh I could never be vegan I love my insert animal part here'. If you are genuinely interested don't ask me at the same time you are tucking into a plate of animal flesh.

I want to sit and enjoy my meal without people making faces, constantly asking what I eat, saying 'ooh I could never eat meat I love animals too much'. If you are genuinely interested don't ask me at the same time you are tucking into a plate of vegetables.

Everything works both ways.

[fascicle]

NerrSnerr
I have tried tofu in many different forms and I have always hated it. It's bloody frustrating when people tell me I would like it if prepared differently! I don't like it I assure you!

Actually the point I was making was that tofu does not have just one texture.

CoteDAzur
Re tofu; It's a bland, tasteless, non-food as far as I'm concerned.

Sure, if you eat it straight from the packet and do nothing to it.

[NerrSnerr]

Fas I have had it prepared in different ways and I agree it has different textures when prepared differently- I still hate it whatever way prepared and I know I'm not alone in hating it!!

[DinosaursRoar]

I do think the additional info that the dd had been seen as "difficult" for not wanting to go to restaurants where there's a single vegan option is important, if she's expected to be happy with one meal choice - regardless if she actually likes that particular meal. The relatives are being offered a meal that they can eat. It might not be the one they would pick if they had a whole menu to pick from, but it's a meal they can eat.

The ops dd is being treated like the family have made massive effort if they just provide her with one meal option she can eat, even if she doesn't like it. If as a family that's the benchmark of good hosting, "can they eat it, not do they want to eat it" and it's acceptable not to ensure there's food everyone can eat and likes, then they can hardly be surprised at this.

(Meat eater here, would eat it, fill up on bread if not to my taste and swing by the chippy on the way home if really struggling! Isn't that how normal people behave when someone cooks for them/provides a meal? If it's only 1 of the 21 meals you have in a week, doesn't kill you not to have your favourite thing)

[MidniteScribbler]

I do think the additional info that the dd had been seen as "difficult" for not wanting to go to restaurants where there's a single vegan option is important, if she's expected to be happy with one meal choice - regardless if she actually likes that particular meal. The relatives are being offered a meal that they can eat. It might not be the one they would pick if they had a whole menu to pick from, but it's a meal they can eat.

So the DD is offering her guests the choice of one meal, and they are supposed to accept that. She's doing to them, exactly what she complains about being done to her. So should a gracious host expect the guests to put up with just one meal choice, or should she show them how a good host acts and provide multiple options of food for them to make a choice (even if all the choices are vegan in this instance)?

[Bumbledumb]

The way I see it is that the OP's family in the past have had to accommodate the bride's dietary restrictions and that has annoyed them. By refusing the invitation, they are expressing that annoyance. They are making the bride's special day about them, because - rightly or wrongly - they feel that she has done it to them in the past. That's they way it seems to me at any rate.

[fascicle]

DinosaursRoar
I do think the additional info that the dd had been seen as "difficult" for not wanting to go to restaurants where there's a single vegan option is important, if she's expected to be happy with one meal choice

Has the OP said that? She's certainly commented on her daughter expecting a vegan option and being put out when there are no vegan options at restaurants or hotels.

[Naomiinflorida]

I think going to someone's wedding is because we feel so much love for this person and or couple and we want to be there to rejoice their most joyful day. If the love is that big, then any misperceptions or hurt feelings will be clarified. I'm sensing here that her dietary choice for the wedding is not based on dietary preferences alone but morality and respect towards animals. Many people are unaware of the brutal and barbaric unnecessary violence that occurs behind that chicken or beef plate and many today eat a vegan diet to promote respect for the animals, human health, and the environment. I hope this girl's mother can see her intent and not only respect it, but understand and fully support her. And more so also be completely proud of her for it seems this girl has great compassion and reverence for animals and ethics. Good for her. I wish her a beautiful wedding, and a beautiful life. It is these times sometimes that seem bitter sweet, but hopefully with those meant to, misunderstandings will turn to understanding and a greater bond, and with others .. We can try to understand they are where they are and accept and love, even from a far.

[SapphireStrange]

there is no need to feed such stuff to your guests for the one meal that they are in your power.

'feed such stuff' is really rude, as is 'for the one meal that they are in your power.' 'in your power'?

The key phrase is 'one meal'. One! People can surely put up and shut up for one meal, can't they? Or at least, they would if they really liked or respected the bride and groom.

[prettybird]

So are these "vegan refusing" non guests unable to eat vegan food?

They don't need to go hungry - whereas the OP's dd would have had to go hungry if the only food served up at their events was non-vegan.

[branston77]

"It is not a novel idea that hosts should try to make their guests comfortable."

Agreed but not at the expense of their own ethics and morals. I personally wouldn't be so completely insensitive as to ask someone to do something that I know would upset or offend them.

[Margay]

Yup, my dog question has been ignored.

[branston77]

I want to sit and enjoy my meal without people making faces, constantly asking what I eat, saying 'ooh I could never eat meat I love animals too much'. If you are genuinely interested don't ask me at the same time you are tucking into a plate of vegetables.

Everything works both ways.

Of course it works both ways. What people seem to forget is most vegans ate meat at one point in their past. Very few vegans who were raised that way. I've also been pescetarian, vegetarian and now vegan.

Eating out as a meat eater absolutely no one asked me why I was eating that. No one said to me I shouldn't be eating meat, even my non meat eating friends and family. I was a meat eater half my life, so I'm pretty confident having never have personally experienced it that what you are describing is either non existent or very rare.

As a pescetarian, not one comment. People presume you prefer fish.

As a vegetarian, people assume you choose not to eat meat as you care about animals and therefore don't really ask you about it.

As a vegan though the experiences are completely different. As soon as you have a different menu to them or you ask for a dish to be adjusted the floodgates open. It doesn't matter how discreetly you do this, they are there waiting to jump on you. And it's at pretty much every social event you go to. It doesn't matter how you answer the questions either, the result is the person doing the questioning gets annoyed. "I'm sorry I've just come to enjoy the occasion, I'd really rather not discuss this issue" = angry person. "Well I don't eat those because of x,y,z" = angry person. Politely pretending you didn't hear = person who then asks again and again and then gets angry.

Just some of the comments I have had so far -
Vegans are extreme though aren't they?
What would you do if you were stranded on an island and there was only a pig with you?
What do you eat though?
Why don't you eat dairy, no animals die for dairy?
Why do you not eat eggs, they are not cruel?
But what are your shoes made out of, I bet they are leather?
But you drive a car?
But the phone you are using probably had animal parts in it therefore you can't really be a full vegan can you?
But where do you get your protein?
Where do you get B12, because that only comes from animals?
Must be so restrictive being vegan, you poor thing!
You don't look like a vegan, I though they all wire 'hippy' clothes!

Seriously, I'm just out to have a good night, enjoy myself and the company and don't want to have to answer this fricking nonsense every time I go out! I don't bring it up, other people do that for me!

[stinkbombcottage]

I'm quite a fussy eater too. I hate cinnamon, nutmeg, fruits in savoury dishes, offal, fish with lots of bones, bloody non-cooked through meat, snotty eggs, cucumber, dill too name just but a few. If I were to pick a menu for my wedding day, then none of these hideous (in my opinion) foods would feature in any dish. Surely this is my prerogative.

If the bride is a fussy eater (yes I do class vegans and vegetarians as fussy eaters, call them food preferences if you like), then why would guests expect food items the bride dislikes to be on the menu?

It's her day, it's her wedding. The only person who has a right to object is the groom! (Or other bride)