Am I unreasonable to be p***ed off with my daughter and her wedding?

[kathycraig79]

My daughter's wedding is this summer, we've been planning it together for months and we have genuinely had a good time doing so. However, my daughter is a vegan, and she is adamant that the wedding also must be vegan. This is fine with me, I support her wish and this is for her to decide. We sent the invitations (and I thought it would be a good idea to include the information about vegan catering on the invitations) and we have had many RSVPs basically saying they will not be coming if the food is vegan. I have to say this was unexpected, many of the family are quite traditional, meat-and-two-veg, but I did not expect this to be such a problem.

The thing now is that many of the guests are refusing to come, and my daughter is not willing to budge. I personally don't see the big deal in catering for everyone's tastes, it was a bloody nightmare to book the vegan caterer. I'm really getting frustrated, yesterday my daughter said she was thinking of cancelling the whole thing and thinks the guests are being unreasonable. Maybe I should not have put this information on the invitations?

[ChoccyJules]

In answer to a recent question about allergies and the main course, people taking thyroxine for thyroid issues shouldn't have soya products (not that my oncologist bothered to tell me this ).

[DinosaursRoar]

but it does sometime feel like we can't do anything without it coming up or it causing a problem, and she can get a little over the top sometimes if there are no vegan options at restaurants/hotels etc and it does limit where we can go as a family - it does seem unfair that she's being seen as "over the top" and difficult because she wants there to be something - anything - she can eat, not a choice between 2 or 3 meal options she could eat, but just wanting there to be 1!

I'm not vegan (or veggie) but I don't think I'd want to go to a restaurant with only one meal on the menu, I also don't think I'd want to go out for dinner and sit without a meal while everyone else eats because there's nothing for me.

[SquidgeyMidgey]

The guests are the ones being unreasonable, it's your daughter's wedding so it should be how she wants it not how everyone else thinks it should be.

I was vegetarian for years and had plenty of the 'steak, please' type 'jokes'. Oh how I didn't laugh. It's not funny, it's pathetically immature, and your daughter has every right to be upset.

[SquidgeyMidgey]

Posted too soon. Look at it from her point of view. She eschews all animal products, why would she want chunks of dead animals on plates all around her on her wedding day? Some of her guests sound incredibly selfish. It's her day, not theirs.

[BurningBridges]

Squidgey get with it - its not the bride's day, its the MOB's day as she is paying for it. tsk.

I haven't seen one iota of recognition from Kathy that she is in the wrong - in fact she could really go for it with a full page spread in the Mail and use her DM sad face which I imagine she has on as she updates us saying the same thing over and over again, and her cheery smiling relatives eating burgers.

[MidniteScribbler]

I was against putting the website on the invitation but my daughter said that if we were going to put a disclaimer about the vegan meal on the invitation then she wanted to put some more information on there so that people could understand what it is and why she has made this choice.

This is what has put people's backs up. The old joke about 'how do you know someone is vegan? Don't worry, they'll tell you.' is really quite a true one. If vegans just quietly got on with eating whatever the fuck they wanted to, and didn't feel the need to provide a lecture everytime they provide their dietary requirements, people wouldn't get so annoyed.

It's the assumption that if we just read a website or listen to them that we'll all suddenly see the light and stop eating meat or animal products that pisses people off. I've already examined my conscience and decided what level of farming practices I am prepared to accept for my choice of diet, and I don't need a lecture from someone who assumes I am stupid for making the choices I have.

If the OP's daughter had quietly selected a nice vegan selection of meals for her wedding, said nothing, and had them served on the day, without the inclusion of websites which automatically gets people offside, then everyone would have come, and it would probably go unremarked about.

[branston77]

I literally cannot believe some of the responses here. Sort of people who would complain that they can't eat pork at a wedding for Muslims. Why on earth would you expect people to go against their morals, beliefs and wishes in order to cater to your every whim on THEIR special day? Absolutely unbelievable. You don't attend a wedding for the food. You go to celebrate the joyous occasion of two people committing to each other! If I was the bride I would cancel the wedding. I'd not want to get married with people like that around me. And who on earth sends a RSVP back with 'steak please' written on it. Utterly disrespectful. Some people seem to think they'll spontaneously combust if they have to go ONE meal without an animal featuring in it!

[Halo84]

AgentPineapple, NicknameUsed expressed my view perfectly, as did MIdniteScribbler. I don't think it was the fact the menu was vegan, it was the "shoving it down my throat" that turned people off.

Yes, soy is one of the most common allergens.

[fascicle]

MidniteScribler
This is what has put people's backs up.

Without more details, you don't know that. OP has already indicated there was some history with the part of the family who say they are not coming.

The old joke about 'how do you know someone is vegan? Don't worry, they'll tell you.' is really quite a true one.

No, that's a stereotype. (How do you factor in vegans who don't mention it?)

[branston77]

Having just read all the responses I'm astounded by the 'vegan food is awful' and 'I'd have to go to McDonalds to fill up' posts. This is why we have such problems in this country. People who think fresh vegetables, fruits, pulses, beans are disgusting but fat laden, processed, carcinogenic junk is delicious! And what's even worse is they are passing on this nonsense to the next generation....

[j5671]

Gee I hope all these people talking about being gracious hosts and catering precisely to everyone’s tastes had an à la carte menu at their wedding, so that everyone could pick their absolute favourite dish. Newsflash, not everyone hankers over dry bulk-cooked steak, either. I can only imagine that most other weddings your daughter has attended she has been dumped with a salad and made to eat afterwards because the caterer or the host didn’t make the effort (I’ve worked for a major caterer – some of the meals for those with dietary requirements barely deserve the title).

Also by the sounds of it the note on the invitation was explanatory, not preachy, and put there so that those with no idea of veganism could understand why on earth someone would be having a vegan wedding. Clearly it wasn’t the daughter’s preference to tell people, and was in response to having to have information on the invitations.

That being said, given the fuss that has been made I would be going to huge lengths to ensure that their issues were not justified and ensuring the meals were hearty and delicious. I’ve made this lemon meringue pie before which was superb (easy with bought pastry and can be made ahead of time). I’m a vegan and seldom eat tofu as it is difficult to get right. Unless the caterers are extremely confident I’d be worried it could end up a bit bland. Stronger, hearty flavours might be less of a risk, with some great dishes suggested by other posters.

Anyway, at the end of the day just remember it’s only one meal and don’t let this issue consume you. Your daughter should be able to enjoy her wedding, and likely won’t if the event is strewn with products of inhumane farming practices which don’t align with her (or really, most people’s) values. She’s not doing this for herself, but for animals, so good on her for standing up for them.

plantified.com/recipe/the-ultimate-vegan-lemon-meringue-pie
plantified.com/recipe/fair-dinkum-aussie-pavlova

Edit: just found the menu and can't imagine choc mousse would be a problem, aquafaba is amazing.

[Halo84]

My wedding was small, and guests helped themselves to food. There was a variety of dishes - lots of salads, vegetables, meat, chicken, and fish. No vegan would have had an issue at my wedding. My husband, as I stated, is a vegetarian, but he had no issues with animal products being served.

The website is preachy.

[Halo84]

Oh, and my sister's wedding was a sit down dinner. Guests had a choice of chicken or beef with their RSVP. Vegetarians were accommodated with separate dinners.

[Beelzebop]

Please think OP. Let your daughter enjoy her day, with you and the rest of her caring and non rude family. I get married in September and my Mum died 18 months ago. I went and got my dress today, and although my bridesmaids were wonderful we all felt the massive empty space.
I wish my Mum was here to argue with. Your daughter is a woman, let her choose her own menu and wise up to the important bits of this wedding and feel joy with your daughter while you can!

[OnceThereWasThisGirlWho]

Midnite If vegans just quietly got on with eating whatever the fuck they wanted to, and didn't feel the need to provide a lecture everytime they provide their dietary requirements, people wouldn't get so annoyed.

All the vegans and veggies I know would love to just get on with eating their meal, but get cross-examined by meat eaters. Not all of them, obviously, but a hardcore few who love to go on about bacon sandwiches... Actually plenty of meat eaters will just ask how long you've been veggie/why etc, so perhaps others present think "Oh, off they go again..." when they reply?

All this is making me think of a time when I, as a vegetarian, ate meat (*ish) out of politeness.
Randomly ended up attending a funeral in another country (curiosity coupled with being far enough off the beaten track to be a novelty as a foreigner and invited to join). They had made a massive stew type thing out of a pig, using the whole thing, offal and all, to feed everyone. When they handed me a bowl it would have been very insulting to refuse to eat it, plus the whole gatecrashing the funeral thing. So I ate it, although did subtly slip larger meaty bits into friends bowl... Then, they brought the pigs head out on a plate, and it's arse on another plate! (They were being handed out to certain families in return for their help towards the bereaved).

So, I did it - now omnivores should try vegan.

[Baconyum]

Kathycraig

I still think it's absolutely fine for your dd to have a vegan wedding but

Putting the details of a preachy website on the invite was a terrible idea, details of the caterer would have made sense or a site full of delicious vegan recipes but a wedding invite is not the place to try and convert people in such a blatant way.

Also I'm a veggie and like tofu but the menu sounds too tofu heavy (I agree crudités, bruschetta etc for the appetisers in addition to tofu bites would be good, I recently had cauliflower and broccoli bites at one restaurant were delicious)

Also the starter and main are both effectively salads, not filling (could mean hangry guests) and problematic where alcohol is also being consumed.

Lack of choice! Only one appetiser (the only variety being the dips) no choice for the rest?! Lots of people don't like tofu, salads and/or chocolate. At most weddings now there's usually a choice of at least 3 options for each course!

There's been tons of suggestions on this thread alone!

Appetisers - tofu bites/bruschetta/crudités/veg bites with dips/pickles

Starter - Soup/salad/toast and pate

Main - halloumi salad/nut roast/curry

Dessert - choc dessert/fruit plate/vegan cheesecake

[Baconyum]

Oncetherewas

Oh god yes! I don't preach I don't insist I just get on with my life but I have honestly lost track of the times I've been ASKED

when? How long you been veggie?
Why?
What do you eat?

Plus the 'trying to catch you out questions'

Ah but aren't your shoes/bag/belt leather?
Isn't x y z not really veggie?
Do you use products tested on animals?

Plus the trying to convey you to eating meat! (This is hardly ever discussed! But how many veggies or vegans here have been told 'one sausage won't hurt you' or 'you're being too fussy' if you refuse something (politely) that omnivores see as 'sort of veggie' like jelly, but we know is not?)

The only thing I can't avoid is medication which I only take what's essential, won't take gelatin coated but unfortunately it's still law that they're tested on animals in uk.

Then if they're a particular type of
a-hole they'll ask about oral sex!! (Mainly ex's idiot friends)

THEN even IF you answer politely and try to steer the conversation to something else - you get accused of preaching!

[Baconyum]

I do just

Not

I don't insist

[NerrSnerr]

I'm a vegetarian and have been for years. People don't question me or get me to eat meat. I don't really talk about it much, only to let people know if they're going to feed me.

[Janecc]

Oncetherewas this was as a gatecrasher. These are invited guests, who Kathy wants to have at the wedding. Seeing as she's paying for it and organising the event and all.

These people are invited guests being requested to spend hundreds on the day on outfits, gift and possibly accommodation. They are being preached to before even agreeing to attend. It's normal plenty would fall at the first hurdle. The jokes about meat are in response to the lecture. If Kathy wants them to come, she has the bridges to build because as the host, ultimately she is responsible for what was said on the invites.

[Janecc]

Kathy. In response to your AIBU title. Yes you are being unreasonable to be pissed off with your daughter. You are a mature woman. She is young and by the sounds of it pretty young if not in age then in maturity. As the host of the wedding, ultimately you are responsible. And ultimately its your job to fix this I'm afraid.

[Heyho111]

I understand your D feelings. I am not a vegan but can see that if she has strong ethical reasons why she has chosen to be one then there is a difference between eating along side friends / family who are not and providing them with the food. providing the food may feel like it's going against her beliefs.
You shouldn't have made a big deal about it. I also think it's mean and disrespectful of people to refuse to go because they aren't getting chicken ! I think you are being unreasonable

[Janecc]

But heyho the bride isn't providing the meal.

[Roussette]

But isn't it the case that vegetarianism is a bit more mainstream whereas vegainism isn't. If I were to ask questions it would only be from curiousity and surely that's a good thing...

Re the wedding, I just don't understand why the bride can't serve a vegetarian meal. I'll stuff my gob with anything but two courses of tofu would really not do it for me as I don't particularly like the texture of it, and I can't imagine many meat eaters would enjoy that. If she had a vegetarian meal, she's not having to deal with "corpses, flesh and chunks of dead animals" (or whatever other emotive language you want to use) Would it be so awful for a vegan to serve vegetarian food, whilst in amongst that was vegan food?

I thought the RSVPs with "steak please" was quite funny... surely it's a bit of a sense of humour bypass for the OPs daughter to get upset/angry about that. I'm sure the guest concerned found it a bit strange or wasn't expecting website links to veganism on the invite and was just lightening the whole thing with their acceptance and a joke.

[branston77]

Yes vegetarianism is more mainstream. What does that matter? Do you sit down to a meal to have people ask you why you are eating that? No. It's incredibly rude. I want to sit and enjoy my meal without people making faces, constantly asking what I eat, saying 'ooh I could never be vegan I love my insert animal part here'. If you are genuinely interested don't ask me at the same time you are tucking into a plate of animal flesh.

The bride is vegan for ethical reasons. It's completely ridiculous to ask her to turn off her views, morals and ethics so you or anyone else can eat a vegetarian meal. There is a lot of cruelty in dairy and egg production and she doesn't want to contribute to that. Nor should she be made to feel she has to to make others more comfortable.

Yes, laughing about animals being killed for food is absolutely hilarious to a vegan. She should obviously check her sense of humour to find killing of animals to be funny....