Am I unreasonable to be p***ed off with my daughter and her wedding?

[kathycraig79]

My daughter's wedding is this summer, we've been planning it together for months and we have genuinely had a good time doing so. However, my daughter is a vegan, and she is adamant that the wedding also must be vegan. This is fine with me, I support her wish and this is for her to decide. We sent the invitations (and I thought it would be a good idea to include the information about vegan catering on the invitations) and we have had many RSVPs basically saying they will not be coming if the food is vegan. I have to say this was unexpected, many of the family are quite traditional, meat-and-two-veg, but I did not expect this to be such a problem.

The thing now is that many of the guests are refusing to come, and my daughter is not willing to budge. I personally don't see the big deal in catering for everyone's tastes, it was a bloody nightmare to book the vegan caterer. I'm really getting frustrated, yesterday my daughter said she was thinking of cancelling the whole thing and thinks the guests are being unreasonable. Maybe I should not have put this information on the invitations?

[mistyclouds]

Really? People have TOLD you they won't attend a wedding with a vegan meal?

[BadDoGooder]

I'm with your DD on this.
If we ever got married it would be a vegan wedding.
I have ethical issues with serving animal products, no way would I serve it at my wedding.
If people can't eat vegan for one day, then I'm sorry to sound harsh, they are pathetic.

[Flisspaps]

The guests are rude and YABU

[defineme]

Incredibly rude of the guests to reject invitation based on that, they could just have a full English breakfast before they come! Your poor dd. Are you pussed off with her because you're feeling defensive because you think it might be your fault for specifying it's vegan? Could you call the guests and persuade them? I would consider scaling down the day and making it mainly dd and her dp's friends with a few immediate family?

[DaveCamoron]

Sorry but if I was a guest I'd be dreading the meal, I'd come to be polite but the meal would put a slight dampener on the occasion.

[C4Envelope]

Your daughter can rest assured that the people who are attending her wedding are there for her and not a free meal. Hope she enjoys her day exactly the way she wants it. I love meat and wouldnt decline attending a vegan wedding, in fact I would really enjoy going as it would introduce lots of new things to me. Your guests ABU

[Timeforabiscuit]

Massively unreasonable of the guests, and good on you and your daughter to put all that effort in to source a vegan caterer.

I think it was good to put a heads up on the invitation, better than grumbles on the day.

What proportion of guests are refusing to come? Is it a case of a specific generation? Might you be able to get some family members to give others a gentle shake to see what the imordant parts of the day are?

[LineyReborn]

I can understand completely why OP put it on the invitations - to stop relatives like this moaning and tantrumming at the wedding reception.

What is the actual menu, OP? Might sending that appease these relatives, when they see it is indeed actually food being served, not the contents of an algae farm?

I ate vegan for a while. I would have tomato and basil soup / vegetable soup, followed by falafels or vegetable curry, followed by fruit salad. Maybe allow non-dairy cream.

[FuzzyWizard]

The guests are being shockingly rude. No way should your daughter change things to suit the tantrums of rude adults. You probably didn't need to put on the invites that it was vegan but you should have to keep it a secret just because some adults are too rude to deal politely with finding out that the food may not be their personal preference.

[Peachesandcream15]

It never ceases to amaze me the sheer fuss some people will make over a plate of food. Your daughter is not being unreasonable. What a shame for her that her guests won't attend though. Perhaps you could help her find a way to still have a beautiful day but with a smaller guest list.

[inlovewithhubby]

Yep, agree with other posters that it's the guests being very weird. I can see a bit of eye rolling going on - I have veggie/vegan friends who catered to everyone at their wedding - but totally get your daughter not wanting to kill a pig in celebration of her nuptuals, would go against everything she believes in.

Can only think the refusers are not good friends after all. Family and genuine friends won't give a shit what's being served. If people have refused on that basis, they aren't friends, and good for your daughter to get a reality check on that now before she wastes any time on them.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Yes it was as right to put the information on the invite, you don't want trouble during the day, so those that really want to be there, will. Your dad will celebrate rate with genuine people who love her, and respect Her wishes.

[exLtEveDallas]

Yes YABU to be pissed off with your daughter.

You should be pissed off with the guests who won't come.

Give your daughter a hug, tell her it will be fine and that you always thought those guests were arseholes; now they've just confirmed it.

(And look at the bright side, fewer guests, less cost)

[pinkdelight]

I don't think they're worth making compromises for. They obviously care more about one meal than your dd. Sod them. She should have her vegan wedding with people worth bothering with and enjoy it.

[Twowrongsdontmakearight]

I think your daughter should be pissed off with you for thinking its a good idea to mention the vegan menu on the invites. I've never yet had a wedding invite telling me that it's going to be chicken or salmon. You've made the vegan food an issue when it didn't need to be. People would have come along and been served their food and that's that. Some might not have even noticed (like at a veggie wedding we once went to!).

[hownottofuckup]

I'm completely with your DD on this one. Anyone who didn't want to come on the basis of the food, I wouldn't want to be there.

[CharlieSierra]

People have actually replied that they won't come because the food is vegan? How unbelievably rude.

[SmallBee]

I agree with your daughter, your guests are BU, are they seriously saying they won't attend her wedding because it doesn't contain animal products?
If they're only interested in the food and not celebrating the love of the couple and joining of two families then I wouldn't want them there either. I love meat and I can't easily manage not to eat that or any other non vegan items for the day.
I know five atheists who had the good grace to attend my church wedding without a squeak of protest and if they can do that, respecting my beliefs, I don't see what is so hard about the guests at your daughters wedding doing this.

[ProseccoPoppy]

Actually I think the guests are being unreasonable. Personally I wouldn't have put anything on the invitation about the catering. Purely as it wouldn't have occurred to me to do so, and I think it was unnecessary but that's done and there's no point worrying about that now. Are the people who have rsvp'd no all family? Surely your DD and her DH2be's friends know they are vegan? If it's largely family that have said no I'd be inclined to call them out on it and tell them they are being ridiculous (or rather DD should). It isn't their day, they are being fed at someone else's expense fgs and vegan food done well is lovely anyway. Why on earth should they get to dictate what the food is? YANBU to be annoyed at family reaction to the wedding. DD IBU to consider cancelling because some narrow minded people have thrown their toys out of the pram about not having meat with their lunch

[kathycraig79]

I am kicking myself for including it on the invitations. My reasoning was that I wanted to let people know in advance just so there were no issues on the day. The people who have refused are all part of the same 'side' of the family, I do get the feeling that they are complaining to try and get my daughter to change the plans. There may be another reason though - we haven't always got on well, but I hoped they would overlook this and come. It's quite a small guest list, so it's not a huge number of people complaining, but it has quite a hit on the list in proportion.

I have told my daughter that it may just be an empty threat, or they may not come anyway and be using the meal as an excuse.

[ShootingStar75]

Not sure why you're pissed off with your dd and the wedding she has chosen to have, I'd be much more pissed off about the relatives who have declined because of her wish not to serve animal products for food.

Also not really sure why you put it on the invitation, I know you say you support her wish to have a vegan wedding but I have to wonder if you do genuinely, wholeheartedly support it? As if you did I would have expected you to have the reaction to your relatives declining of 'well says more about them' rather than being angry with your dd and not understanding why she won't cater non-vegan to others.

[inlovewithhubby]

Dave camoron - seriously? You're so inward looking that instead of thinking about your friend getting married you'd be selfishly pissed off about your dinner? Wow. Just wow.

[cherrypepsimax]

Vegan food is delicious and anyone that won't even give it a go is just being utterly ridiculous. It's one meal Ffs. She is a vegan so welfare, and the environment must be massively important to her, it is absolutely reasonable that HER wedding reflects HER beliefs . I can not believe that she has had multiple declines because of this. Over half a million people in the UK are vegan now ( hooray!) and it is gaining huge support in the under 24 year old age group. I presume these are all older people who are declining?

[QuiteLikely5]

What misty clouds said

[Starman16]

If your daughter and fiancé are not worried about the guests declining I don't see why you are - their wedding, their way

I am shocked that anyone would decline for this reason though...absolutely pathetic. If they are that worried they'll go hungry sneak a sarnie in your handbag!!

And it was definitely not necessary to mention 'vegan' on the invites - of its a decent vegan caterer most people probably wouldn't have even noticed.