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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want mil at sports day

126 replies

suntoday37 · 29/05/2016 08:10

MIL and I have a history of not really getting on. I find her very critical (everything I do is wrong from want I feed them to the fact I work). I've two boys , 5 and 1.

Mil announced 'I am coming to X's sports day and I will come up the night before and stay'. She didn't ask if it's convenient.

I just don't want her here. I want to spend sports day with the other parents having a nice time and watching my son, not constantly babysitting her. I wouldn't mind but on a previous occasion she had a go at me for ignoring her and not introducing her to my friend in the playground - even tho she had been to the house of my friend in question and met her so many times before, I didn't think I had to introduce her. I just know I will spend the day worrying about offending her by mistake.

How do I phrase it nicely/ make up an excuse or should I just suck it up? As a mum of boys I think maybe I am being mean and when my boys are older I will want to go to my grandchildren's sports day...

OP posts:

Imfinehowareyou · 29/05/2016 08:13

You could tell her that it's parents only. Or ring her nearer the time to say it's been cancelled. School sports days are always being cancelled.

DeathStare · 29/05/2016 08:15

"I'm sorry that's not going to be possible".

You don't need to make up an excuse. She has no right to invite herself to stay and no right to invite herself to the sports day. Whether she believes it or not she is actually asking you a favour. And you have a right to just say no.

Only1scoop · 29/05/2016 08:17

How does she even know about it?

Stop telling her stuff.

"Sorry this is just parents"

Only1scoop · 29/05/2016 08:17

How does she even know about it?

Stop telling her stuff.

"Sorry this is just parents"

Pearlman · 29/05/2016 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

suntoday37 · 29/05/2016 08:21

She came to stay last week and DS1 told her about it, I didn't tell her.

I might just text and say it's parents only. I just feel mean... But I think I have to be braver and make a decision to either accept she comes to stay and makes me feel like sh&t or stop her coming to stay.

OP posts:

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 29/05/2016 08:21

Another vote for "limited space. One adult and younger siblings only"

AppleSetsSail · 29/05/2016 08:23

God poor you. Just say parents only!

Only1scoop · 29/05/2016 08:24

"She came to stay last week"

Then take charge this time, get DH to text it's his mum. How rude.

Don't let it spoil your fun

Andrewofgg · 29/05/2016 08:30

"One adult" won't work - obviously both parents will be welcome, she's not going to swallow that. "Strictly parents and younger siblings only" - and it's DH who should say so.

mummyto2monkeys · 29/05/2016 08:34

The problem is, that it won't be just parents.... I am going to play devil's advocate here, (I am nc with my MIL and FIL due to their excessive narcissism and destroying of my dh's self esteem) your little boy invited her. That means that he wants her there, when he sees little Johnny running up and hugging his Granny, he is going to be asking her why she didn't come. I would get your dh to take time off and entertain his Mother leaving you to enjoy your sons sports day. She can reminisce with her son about his old sports days.

Does she live far away? Could your dh pick her up the morning of sports day (with the understanding that sports days depend on weather and it may be cancelled)? My parents love coming to school sports days, and if my in-laws were nicer we would invite them too. My two children are so happy to have their own personal cheer party!

Only1scoop · 29/05/2016 08:36

'He told her about it'

Doesn't necessarily equal he wants her there at this age surely.

Pearlman · 29/05/2016 08:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Andrewofgg · 29/05/2016 08:39

A five-year-old can't invite anyone to stay the night. And MIL cannot invite herself. Time for DH to lay down the law.

Original poster

suntoday37 · 29/05/2016 09:06

Thanks for all replies.

DH can't be there as he works away Monday to Friday. I will get him to speak to her tho about her behaviour towards me as it's not fair that it's playing on my mind so much.

She could in theory come for the day but due to train times would be travelling at peak time and therefore the tickets would cost more.

OP posts:

bakeoffcake · 29/05/2016 09:07

OP just think ahead 25 years. You want to see your grand child's sports day. How would you feel if you were effectively barred form doing that?

MIL may be a pain in the arse, but it's one day. Just suck it up I say. I didn't get on well with my MIL when DC were younger. At the time I found her very overbearing but I decided to let things wash over me more, let her enjoy time with the grandchildren and just be thankful she lives too far away to be involved on a regular basis.

blindsider · 29/05/2016 09:10

Don't 'make up' a reason why she can't go as if down the line she finds out she has been lied to this will merely fuel her suspicions about you(with some justification) . If you don't want her YOU need to tell her it is not convenient as if you leave it to your DH, a pound to a penny he will take the easy option and blame you, so get out in front of it and put a marker down for the future that she needs you on side.

Original poster

suntoday37 · 29/05/2016 09:12

Yes bakeoffcake , that is my gut feeling.... I just wish she wasn't so horrible!!! I will see if DH is prepared to chat to her or if I can maybe go out the evening she stays to avoid spending time with her. At think at the core of it all, I just find it hard as I try to be nice to her and I just feel she digs away at me. I need to grow a thicker skin....

OP posts:

leelu66 · 29/05/2016 09:15

YANBU, just tell her it's parents only as pp have said.

Also, not sure that being a 'mum of boys' makes you more likely to go to sports day.

TendonQueen · 29/05/2016 09:18

Ah, one of those where they are away a lot and you end up dealing with the in laws. I would say 'that won't fit with my arrangements this time but why don't you come at the weekend and have time with DH as well?' Then take some time for yourself at the weekend and make your DH deal with his own mum.

bakeoff there's often a good case for sucking things up where grandparents are concerned, but not where they show no sense of manners and consideration - the OP shouldn't feel bottom of the list the whole time.

Rebecca2014 · 29/05/2016 09:19

You have two sons, one day you could be in your mil position with a dil who doesn't like you very much.

Sounds like you need to have thicker skin and you need stand up for yourself if she does start having a go! some people need be put in their place and you never know, it properly shut her up.

bakeoffcake · 29/05/2016 09:20

sun I do think you need to get your H to support more when MIL is around, going out in the evening is a really good idea.

As I said, my MIL is very overbearing and we have nothing in common but since I made the decision to let her comments wash over me, I stress less about her and that means I'm happier to have her around occasionally.

Would it help to have a few phrases up your sleeve to use when she's digging at you?

Maybe we could suggest a few

potoftea · 29/05/2016 09:24

You seem to have a lot of guilt about this woman and don't seem able to assert yourself, that's what needs working on rather than one event. She's in your life forever, and you need to be able to cope with that without feeling miserable. So that really needs help, maybe even from a professional.
As regards the sports day...its nice if grandparents are invited to participate in things but they have a duty to make it a pleasant event for the child mainly and then for the parents, grandparents are down the pecking order. If she's not trying to do that, its her fault she's being excluded. I'd just explain that its not appropriate that she come, you've already made plans to be with friends who are also there alone. You deserve to enjoy these events in your children's lives, it passes quickly.

Onlyicanclean10 · 29/05/2016 09:25

Bollocks to her op. If she was nicer you would welcome her company. She sounds like a bully.

Of course your ds told her about his sports day he probably told random checkout assistants but he can't invite them!

Text her 'sorry mil it's not convenient for you to stay at that time as will be too busy. We will invite you other time'

awhfuck · 29/05/2016 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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