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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want mil at sports day

126 replies

suntoday37 · 29/05/2016 08:10

MIL and I have a history of not really getting on. I find her very critical (everything I do is wrong from want I feed them to the fact I work). I've two boys , 5 and 1.

Mil announced 'I am coming to X's sports day and I will come up the night before and stay'. She didn't ask if it's convenient.

I just don't want her here. I want to spend sports day with the other parents having a nice time and watching my son, not constantly babysitting her. I wouldn't mind but on a previous occasion she had a go at me for ignoring her and not introducing her to my friend in the playground - even tho she had been to the house of my friend in question and met her so many times before, I didn't think I had to introduce her. I just know I will spend the day worrying about offending her by mistake.

How do I phrase it nicely/ make up an excuse or should I just suck it up? As a mum of boys I think maybe I am being mean and when my boys are older I will want to go to my grandchildren's sports day...

OP posts:

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/05/2016 13:08

Where are all these schools who don't have limits on guests per child for events?

Hodooooooooor · 29/05/2016 13:08

And never trusts mummy again, as he says as he goes to bed, clutching his medal and the photo of Granny, sobbing into his little pillow!

derxa · 29/05/2016 13:11

She's not just your mother in law, she is your children's grandma. Two completely different relationships........ Nicely put Bertrand
I'm sick of all this MIL hating on here. It's completely tedious and soul destroying.

inlectorecumbit · 29/05/2016 13:12

I certainly wouldn't lie and tell her that it's parents only as she could easily just phone the school and ask.

Just text her and say briefly--l am sorry that is not possible. No explanation needed.
If questioned get your DH to deal with it. I presume he knows just how she treats you?

happypoobum · 29/05/2016 13:13

I think sports day is just throwing a light on a very unsatisfactory state of affairs. If MIL is such a bitch to you, constantly criticising you, what are you and DH doing about this?

Why is she allowed to stay at your home if she is so horrid to you?

DH should be telling her it's rude to just invite herself, and point out that you would probably be far more willing to spend time with her if she was, you know, nicer.

hewl · 29/05/2016 13:14

I think you need to grow a thicker skin. It's highly unlikely that she comes to stay just because she enjoys criticising you. She enjoys it. And yes you should introduce her to your friends.

And I am not sure why being a 'mum of boys' will make you more likely to go to sports days. Perhaps your future DIL won't want you there.

hewl · 29/05/2016 13:15

Me too derxa

derxa · 29/05/2016 13:17

Just text her and say briefly--l am sorry that is not possible. No explanation needed
If questioned get your DH to deal with it. I presume he knows just how she treats you?
That might be how you deal with a difficult colleague or customer but this is the child's granny.

Merd · 29/05/2016 13:18

That did make me laugh MrsU and Hodo.

I'm sick of all this MIL hating on here. It's completely tedious and soul destroying.

I love my MIL, she's wonderful. I'd never have to write an OP like this, ever. However, someone else did have to write this.

Any married person who lets their own parent bully their other half is a big fucking failure in my book. Their own "special relationship" with their parents shouldn't trump their obligations to their partner and family.

GC can survive without GPs but need mums and dads who love and protect each other.

Ideally GC get it all of course. But sometimes they don't.

Micah · 29/05/2016 13:19

I am also lost as to why the sex of children will make a difference to your attendance at future grandchildren's sports days.

But i'm with you otherwise. I wouldn't want my mother or mil there as they just need babysitting.

derxa · 29/05/2016 13:22

I believe in the proverb 'It takes a village'.

BertrandRussell · 29/05/2016 13:23

I notice nobody is suggesting a form of words for explaining to the child why his grandmother isn't there!

And would people really text "I'm sorry it's not possible" to a member of the family? Bloody hell!

BackforGood · 29/05/2016 13:27

I will get him to speak to her tho about her behaviour towards me as it's not fair that it's playing on my mind so much

'Her behaviour towards you' ??? All you've posted is that she wants to come along to your ds's sports day - in what way is that difficult behaviour?

Why not just say 'that's fine, but I won't be able to sit with you / keep an eye out for you as I'm.....' and offer to help in some way.

Merd · 29/05/2016 13:29

Well that's because some people have said it all depends on the DH and people involved. I've suggested (and others too) to let her come this time and tackle it in future.

Either way there's no "set text" to give to a child. Just communicate with them truthfully and age-appropriately what you need to. But only the op can possibly figure out what he'll need to be told, if anything.

And I don't think anyone would expect a text to be that blunt. That's just someone's suggested "gist" of it isn't it?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/05/2016 13:30

How about "granny shouldn't have said she would be able to come,we shall see her soon"

CPtart · 29/05/2016 13:30

We recently told PIL a little white lie to avoid their attendance at sports day. DS is year 6 so his last one, and I wanted to enjoy it chatting with other mums rather than sitting making small talk with them all afternoon. PIL are well meaning but don't know when to back off. At the last sports day they attended, FIL actually went to the headteacher and 'advised' her on how it could be better run in the future. It was mortifying.
SIL kids usually take priority anyway, ours only feature when they're at a loose end so I didn't feel too guilty.

happypoobum · 29/05/2016 13:31

I don't think this is anything to do with being a MIL it's everything to do with the OPS MIL being a cow.

I have had 2 XMILS. One was just lovely. I would have taken her anywhere with me. She was thoughtful and kind. She was interested and interesting. I enjoyed hearing about her life and she listened to me without being critical and judgemental.

MIL2 was a total fucking control freak bitch. I had to avoid her as much as possible as she was intolerably rude and bossy.

Life is too short to have to spend it with people who are rude and disrespectful to you, just because they are famileeee you do not have to suck it up.

BertrandRussell · 29/05/2016 13:32

"Just text her and say briefly--l am sorry that is not possible. No explanation needed" I think that's what people are suggesting!

"But why can't granny come? She said she would!"

SapphireStrange · 29/05/2016 13:33

'Sorry MIL, but it's not convenient for me to have a guest then.'

People can't just announce that they're coming to stay. Does she think she's Henry VIII on summer progress or something?

Have a word with your DH about how she speaks to you.

Headofthehive55 · 29/05/2016 13:39

Completely agree with bertrand

allnewredfairy · 29/05/2016 13:41

Would your child be pleased to have Grandma there?
If the answer's yes I would suck it up for DC's sake.

squidgyapple · 29/05/2016 13:47

I don't think this is about MILs per se - it's about a person the OP doesn't want to have to entertain on what should be an enjoyable day for her as well as her DS. A sports day is different from a school play - there is more sitting around - it's a chance to get to know and socialise with the other parents.

I wouldn't have wanted my mother at any of my DCs sports days and I would have made an excuse for her not to come. If my children had asked 'why isn't granny here' I would have said because it's hard for me to look after her as well as watching you.

derxa · 29/05/2016 13:50

DS - Why isn't granny here?

OP - Because it's hard for me to look after her as well as watching you.

DS -

Sunnsoo · 29/05/2016 13:53

Live n let live, op. Life's too short for silly drama.

Bluetrews25 · 29/05/2016 13:58

Poor kids, they can't fart these days without mum, dad and all grandparents there to applaud, take photos, and get in everyone else's way.
I missed the memo on 'cheerleading team required at all events, no less than 47 spectators per child will be tolerated'......

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