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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want mil at sports day

126 replies

suntoday37 · 29/05/2016 08:10

MIL and I have a history of not really getting on. I find her very critical (everything I do is wrong from want I feed them to the fact I work). I've two boys , 5 and 1.

Mil announced 'I am coming to X's sports day and I will come up the night before and stay'. She didn't ask if it's convenient.

I just don't want her here. I want to spend sports day with the other parents having a nice time and watching my son, not constantly babysitting her. I wouldn't mind but on a previous occasion she had a go at me for ignoring her and not introducing her to my friend in the playground - even tho she had been to the house of my friend in question and met her so many times before, I didn't think I had to introduce her. I just know I will spend the day worrying about offending her by mistake.

How do I phrase it nicely/ make up an excuse or should I just suck it up? As a mum of boys I think maybe I am being mean and when my boys are older I will want to go to my grandchildren's sports day...

OP posts:

ShootingStar75 · 29/05/2016 09:34

Ring her up or text her and just say 'if you want to come you'll have to pop for the time it's on, it's really not convenient for you to stay'.
I had this with my bil, he was absolutely vile to me to the point of blatant bullying yet expected to invite himself to stay at his convenience when dh was away working and that I'd be okay with it. Amazingly since I stood up to him and enforced my own boundaries which include not putting up with his comments and bitching about me behind my back to dh (and then expecting dh to come and bollock me for whatever thing bil deemed me to have done wrong) his attitude has changed a lot-I still don't trust or like him much (and more often than not I make myself scarce when he is around) but he knows now that I don't have to have him in my life and by default if he isn't in my life he misses out on the dc a lot.

MajesticWhine · 29/05/2016 09:40

I'm in the suck it up camp. Let her come and put up with it. It might not be as bad as you think. But do assert yourself and be ready with some firm comebacks if she tries to criticise you.

blindsider · 29/05/2016 09:45

Rebecca

You have two sons, one day you could be in your mil position with a dil who doesn't like you very much

Not if she doesn't tread all over her DIL's shoes and is an asset rather than an undermining influence. My MIL is a great laugh and we invite her to everything, the only downside is she gets a bit flirty when she has had a glass or too which makes DW (and me) cringe a bit

AlpacaPicnic · 29/05/2016 09:46

Could you tell her you've volunteered to run a refreshments stall/keep track of times etc? And that you will be far too busy to chat with her so she might be bored and lonely if she comes? Make it sound dull...

BertrandRussell · 29/05/2016 09:49

She's not just your mother in law, she is your children's grandma. Two completely different relationships........

BathshebaDarkstone · 29/05/2016 09:49

YANBU. I have an aunt who sulked because she wasn't invited to a Mothers' Day lunch at school! It was for mums and grannies only.

ohtheholidays · 29/05/2016 09:53

OP bollocks could this be you one day!Women don't become horrible once they become MIL's and grandmothers,she'll have behaved like this long before you came along!

Tell her it's parents only this year and tell your DH he needs to step up and have words with his Mother!If my Mum had ever spoke to my DH like that or his Mum had spoke to me in that way we'd have pulled them up on it for each other.

He's your son and sports days where the parents are encouraged to attend go by so quickly you go and enjoy yourself with your DS don't spend it being shown up and upset by your DH's Mother!

BertrandRussell · 29/05/2016 09:55

"OP bollocks could this be you one day!Women don't become horrible once they become MIL's and grandmothers"

They do according to Mumsnet! And "horrible" is a pretty subjective term too.

Sukebind · 29/05/2016 09:59

Does your school make a big thing about sports day? At our school the reception class do theirs with the nursery class and it lasts about half an hour (the key stage 1 one is almost as short). There aren't traditional races like I remember from school but lots of different teams and events carrying on simultaneously. No one wins. It is a shambles, although a very cute one.

Could you play it down a bit to your mil, say it's a very short, gentle event and coming all that way for such a minor thing would be a waste to time/money etc and you would rather she came for a proper visit when DH is around and she can see him too. Then find somewhere else to be for at least some of her visit.

Obeliskherder · 29/05/2016 10:14

I think you reap what you sow. Let her come to the sports day, but stand up to her somehow, either by saying no to the staying over, or by calling her politely on the demanding to stay.

I understand that by "mum of boys" you meant you'll be the MIL to your grandkids' mum, but maybe your boys' partnerships will be less gendered than yours and you'd be having that conversation with them, not their partner. So I wouldn't worry about that one. But nevertheless your actions will come round to bite you, and the minimum you will feel a bit of a heel at sports day surrounded by grannies and grandads. Have her along, give her the toddler to look after and you'll have an empty pair of hands to take lots of photos!

Wolpertinger · 29/05/2016 10:15

How often does she stay and how does she get invited for that?

Yes your DS has told her about sports day this time but start thinking about future strategies - not giving her information about your movements, a maximum length and frequency of stay for your sanity etc.

And tell her she can attend the sprts day only, it's not convenient for her to stay - don't give a reason and get your DH to do it, she's his mother.

ollieplimsoles · 29/05/2016 10:17

Don't tell her anything about the kids,

Dont mention anything you really don't want her to be involved in.

Tell dh she's not coming to stay,

Job done.

BertrandRussell · 29/05/2016 10:20

"Tell dh she's not coming to stay,

Job done."

And if the children want a relationship with their grandmother and the dh concerned with his mother?

Nairsmellsbad · 29/05/2016 10:20

MiL came to DC's and was very happy to chat to other grandparents who were there. Kept them all happy.

Hodooooooooor · 29/05/2016 10:24

OP just think ahead 25 years. You want to see your grand child's sports day. How would you feel if you were effectively barred form doing that?

If I was barred because I was the type of overbearing asshole that informed people I was coming to stay in their house without an invite, and thought I could come to school events without anyone asking me, I'd feel as if it was entirely my own fault.

The "you'll be an mil one day be nice" idea only works if the MIL isn't a git.

Merd · 29/05/2016 10:39

Ah - I see the usual MIL defenders no matter what are out!

Once again - if someone's a shit they don't automatically have to have exceptions made for them just because they're related to one of you. That's mums, MILs, dads, FILs, GPs, whoever and whatever.

Maybe it's a change from the "good old days" where everyone put up with bullshit constantly all the time, but I think it's a good change. Hands up who'd just cheerfully grin if someone kept inviting themselves over and treated you like dirt constantly?

We're all allowed to build our own boundaries as adults and it doesn't automatically mean we'll be cut off in turn .

Having said that - OP, I do think you and your DH need to try tackling this stuff directly more before just uninviting her. You might need to let this occasion go but start asserting yourself and make DH pull his weight too for future nonsense.

Talk to him about how you can both tackle this and make it better for everyone (including her, she clearly thinks she should have been invited so is probably offended) so they can have the relationship they want without you being trodden into the dirt in the meantime.

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 29/05/2016 10:47

Oh dear! Bloody MILs. She obviously thinks she's welcome as little Johnny has told her, "We've got a sports day!" Did the child ask her if she's coming to see him? If not then you can say that only parents/siblings are there due to space issues, BUT if he sees his friends' grannies there he might ask her why she didn't come and lets the cat out of the bag. The more lies you tell the more likely you are to get in a tangle.
Do you have a 'gushy chatty' pal to willingly take MIL on one side and chat to her as though she was a long-lost friend - make her feel welcome/not ignored? But this has its dangers - when I did this my MIL said later to my husband, "I wish you'd married someone like (insert name of said friend)" You just can't win!

BertrandRussell · 29/05/2016 11:08

Look- I don't particularly care for my mil and my step fil is a man of no redeeming features at all. I was beyond delighted when they couldn't come to stay with us after all this half term as planned. But my dp and my children were sad because she is their mother and grandmother and they love her. So we've come to stay with them for a long weekend instead. And I'm dealing with it. Because it isn't all- or even mostly- about me.

jacks11 · 29/05/2016 11:09

I think it's perfectly reasonable to say she can't just invite herself to stay or to sports day. It's rude TBH- if she wants to stay over she should ask if it's ok. I wouldn't dream of telling anyone I was coming to stay in their home without so much as a by-your-leave and I wouldn't tolerate anyone doing it to me.

Speak to your DH but I would be inclined to tell her that it is not convenient and politely request that in future she consults you with regards to staying at yours. It's not MIL bashing to ask she consults you before making plans to stay.

As for the sport's day, I don't think your son telling her about it necessarily means he wants her to come- it might do or it might not. You know him best and you are better placed to decide that. If she comes, be prepared to stand up to her if she is critical and unpleasant. If you don't feel able to do that, I can see how unpleasant that could be and I don't see why your enjoyment of your son's sports day is less important than your MIL attending. I think this is something you need to talk to your DH about.

Hodooooooooor · 29/05/2016 11:09

But Betrand presumably you and your inlaws agreed between you who was going to stay where, and when? Neither you nor they just informed you that they would be staying in you house, uninvited?

SeaCabbage · 29/05/2016 11:41

Either stick up for yourself or don't.

I vote for the texting that it's parents only.

Tell her less, see her less. Get DH to carry the load.

BertrandRussell · 29/05/2016 12:56

"vote for the texting that it's parents only"

And when the child runs up clutching a medal and says "Where's Granny? She promised she was coming!"

mummyto2monkeys · 29/05/2016 13:01

I admit that when my MIL invited herself anywhere, I always brought my Mum, who knew exactly what a loony she was and could talk the hind leg off a donkey! Mum would end up being her company and she wouldn't have dared say anything nasty to me with my Mum there. Mum usually had my dd on her knee too, as my dd has been a Grannies girl since birth. So they spent their time cooing over the baby and I got to concentrate on enjoying my little boy. Do you have a formidable relative/ best friend that you can talk into occupying your MIL? On the plus side my Mum would be staying over in the spare room and staying for a few days which actually prevented MIL from staying.

I'm sorry I missed the fact that your MIL was toxic, I remember how awkward my IL's visits were, my dh was always quick to defend me though.

MrsUniverse · 29/05/2016 13:05

Jesus, that's like something out of a film Bert. Next it'll be Jimmy loses all faith in sports day because dear sweet granny couldn't be there. As he's running the final race he's coming in last... until he sees granny beaming at him from the finish line. He runs so fast he beats all the other children and breaks the school record!

YANBU OP, she shouldn't be inviting herself to stay at your house and she doesn't have to go to sports day. I'd be telling her as much too.

BertrandRussell · 29/05/2016 13:08

Nope. Just life. If the child is expecting his granny to be there the OP will have to explain why she isn't. Which means she will either have to tell the truth-I told her she couldn't come- or lie. Which will almost certainly bite her in the bum in the future. And either way the child (who is, after all, the important person here) will be disappointed.

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