to not want mil at sports day

[suntoday37]

MIL and I have a history of not really getting on. I find her very critical (everything I do is wrong from want I feed them to the fact I work). I've two boys , 5 and 1.

Mil announced 'I am coming to X's sports day and I will come up the night before and stay'. She didn't ask if it's convenient.

I just don't want her here. I want to spend sports day with the other parents having a nice time and watching my son, not constantly babysitting her. I wouldn't mind but on a previous occasion she had a go at me for ignoring her and not introducing her to my friend in the playground - even tho she had been to the house of my friend in question and met her so many times before, I didn't think I had to introduce her. I just know I will spend the day worrying about offending her by mistake.

How do I phrase it nicely/ make up an excuse or should I just suck it up? As a mum of boys I think maybe I am being mean and when my boys are older I will want to go to my grandchildren's sports day...

I don't think you have missed the point Bluetrews - the child's granny doesn't have to be there, particularly when granny is a difficult woman who is unpleasant to his mum

Bert, did your granny miss you winning a medal?

Because at this point we don't know that the kid asked her to be there, just that the kid told her about it. That could just have been 'I'm running the 100 meters because I'm the fastest'. That's not an invite.

And no one should take the invite of a child seriously, it's a matter for the parents. My brother used to invite people to sleep over at my gran's house, 200 miles from where we lived.

Hell I used to invite people to the moon, didn't mean I had a rocket.

I get your pain op. Mil invited herself to DS sports day at a nursery, which was really only a little thing in their playground.

She rang up the nursery and asked if her other grandkids could come too ( she was babysitting them at the time) and nursery said no as they didn't have enough space and there were issues with insurance. But she brought one of them anyway not sure why she bothered to ask.

I would go with playing down how small an event it will be and tell her it will be a waste of her time. No way should she stay if DH isn't there.

Do grandparents really go to school sports days?

"Bert, did your granny miss you winning a medal? "

Nope. I just think that a child has the right to a relationship with their grandparents which is not contingent on the grandparents relationship with his mother.

Obviously, before someone says it, provided the grandparents are suitable grandparents. How they are as in laws is largely irrelevant.

You want your child to miss out on having his grandmother at his sports day so that you can chat to the other mums, and you think she's the unreasonable one.

"Do grandparents really go to school sports days?"

If they are around, why not? They often go in place of parents who WOH round our way.

If you don't feel able to say no to her, can you enlist some friends to give you invites to things? "Oh, you're planning on staying? We're out the evening before, and I'm having lunch with friends so you'll have to entertain yourself in the evening and make your own way to the school". It might teach her that chosing to land in on you doesn't work well.

provided the grandparents are suitable grandparents. How they are as in laws is largely irrelevant.
Thing is they do tend to go hand in hand. If you are a self indulgent bully you don't suddenly stop just because your GC are in front of you.

"Thing is they do tend to go hand in hand. If you are a self indulgent bully you don't suddenly stop just because your GC are in front of you."

Bollocks.

AS you DH is away all week cant you just say something like:

"I'm sorry - what with DH working away during the week I'm just finding it too challenging at the moment having house guests when its just me and the boys, no matter how helpful they try to be. So I'm afraid I'm going to have to decline your kind offer to come to stay over and do sports day, perhaps we could arrange another visit soon when DH is around?"

Because if you lie about who can go to sports day she can ring the school - and she will with an "oh surely you can make an exception for little old me ?" - then your both stuffed because she will come and caught in the lie - which she will make you pay for.

"Thing is they do tend to go hand in hand. If you are a self indulgent bully you don't suddenly stop just because your GC are in front of you."

I'm inclined to agree with this. It's not as easy as just separating out the grandchild relationship and the in-laws one.

Different relationship, but same principle (I'm not married and don't have kids, so don't have the OP's experience): my mum didn't really get on with her mum, my grandmother. I remember even as a small kid being very aware of the tensions and problems, even if I didn't fully understand them. It DOES impact the children.

My MIL is a very difficult woman, so I do sympathise.

But really, I'm sure you can manage her for one day and night!

And really, "you didn't introduce me to your friend" [pout]

"Oh, MIL, you've met Esmerelda lots of times! You went to her party last Easter, remember!".

Make her seem silly for mentioning it. She'll learn not to mess with you.

My MIL thinks I am a good cook, so she picks on my cooking, as she thinks that will bother me. Once, I offered her some salad, which was part of the meal, and she snootily replied "no thank you."
I breezily responded, "oh, you don't like salad?" And offered the salad to FIL, then the rest of the family. She was the one who looked silly, as everyone else tucked in.

If you stop trying to please her, and start treating her with detached civility, you may well find her easier to cope with.

I did try to foster a good relationship with her and my DC (including inviting her to sports days and concerts). She managed to mess it up, all by herself.

But Bert it's not as straightforward as that.

For a start we don't know if the child in question has his heart set on his granny being there or not. Clearly, if he has then the OP needs to take that into consideration. That said, I don't see why granny enjoying sports day with her grandson is more important that OP enjoying sports day with her son.

Of course children should ideally have a relationship with their grandparents, and it shouldn't be dependent on being on good terms with their DIL/SIL. Parents should not seek to limit the relationship between their children and the grandparents due to minor differences of opinion or not being close. However, it is a 2 way street- sensible & decent grandparents would treat the parents fairly and with consideration, whether they like them or not. If they are unpleasant to, or undermining of, the parents-especially in front of the children- then they only have themselves to blame if they are held at arms length.

In the OP's case, her MIL is quite clearly inconsiderate towards OP (informing your DIL and son that you are coming to stay rather than asking if this is ok with your son and DIL is extremely inconsiderate, at best, IMHO). She also makes the OP feel on edge due to being overly critical and opinionated on various things (what she feeds them, the fact she works). I'm not surprised the OP wants some distance. I don't think it is good for children to hear their parents criticised by the grandparents (or vice-versa) and I don't think it is good for children to have their mum on edge and unhappy because granny can't behave properly.

I actually think OP (or more precisely OP's DH) needs to speak to her MIL and explain that if she wants to come she should ask, not inform them she is coming. OP needs to find a way to stand up to her MIL and her DH needs to support her in that. MIL needs to learn to keep her opinions to herself more often by the sounds of things.

It is not bollocks. My gran thought she could have a lovely relationship with me despite the fact she clearly thought my mum wasn't good enough for her DH.

Even as a small child I could see she didn't like my mummy and frankly I didn't like people who didn't like my mummy as they made me feel uncomfortable.

The fact she droned on and on about how fabulous my cousins were all the time didn't help either. It sounded like she liked them more than us she did

I think it's rare that you can separate the two relationships as most GPs won't be able to either.

Donatella, it's really not about the wanting to chat to other mums as much as it is about enjoying a day about your child without having some overly sensitive, depandant relative sucking up all your attention and fun. Like a giant fun sponge.

I never had a grand parent to a single sports day. Neither did any of my peers. There were no grand parents there. It wasn't a thing. We all survived. This may not entirely be the main point of the thread, I grant you.

And actually on that point Bert. Didn't OP say that MIL had stayed for the week before? Because if so missing sports day is hardly depriving the child of a grandparent.

Haha, wolpertinger! The same happened with my MIL. She was nasty about me behind my back, which upset my DC. She praised their second cousins to the skies

• oh you don't like meat? X and Y love to eat meat! (WTAF?) - which really won her no friends.

Give her enough rope, I say!

My grandparents didn't come to my sports days. But I do remember a race I won at an agricultural show and my granny was very proud. 50 years later my father remembered that incident.
As a teacher I used to run sports day. It was always a lovely occasion and the more spectators the better. (tiny village school) It's not about winning races. The loveliest moments were when the tiny children did their obstacle races or egg and spoon. I'm sure grandparents and grandchildren have happy memories. There were plenty of jobs for parents if they wanted to escape MIL.

My children have often had GP to sports days assemblies etc. They love it. It makes them happy. The children love it. It makes them happy. It is of no detriment to me. (Other than I do a lot if repeating myself as they all all a bit deaf.)

Sometimes I don't go to sports days myself. When you've seen one....

Thanks for all replies!

I think I will indeed let her to come to sports day this time and I will prob let her stay as it starts too early for her to get down on the day - but I will arrange to be out the evening before so I don't have to spend too much time with her. I think my DS does now think she is coming and I don't want him to be disappointed. But I will also speak to DH and see if we can tackle the more fundamental issues .. And next time I will be clearer about boundaries and I will try and stand up to her sniping more.

It's nothing to do with just wanting to chat to my friends all day, and everything to do with her being a toxic pain in the bum and her making me feel uncomfortable as she makes it so clear to me that she doesn't like me. Someone suggested inviting another family member and that is a good idea - I might invite my Dad and he can talk to her , and funnily enough she isn't mean when he is around.

Thanks for the replies... I feel better about trying to tackle the issues with her now.

I would never, and have never, had my in-laws to stay unless DH is also at home.

My DH has never had my parents to stay unless I have been at home.

As it happens, my ILs have always disliked me (attempted to get DGH to break off our engagement, do not interact with DS because he looks like me...), whereas my parents have always got on with DH.

However, we would still find it extraordinary, and very difficult, to have the 'other' parent(s) to stay without their own child being present.

So in your place I would be 'Oh, sorry, DH isn't here on that date - you could come at the weekend when he's back?'

Meant to say - so for me, the issue is not the sports day, but the staying overnight.