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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want mil at sports day

126 replies

suntoday37 · 29/05/2016 08:10

MIL and I have a history of not really getting on. I find her very critical (everything I do is wrong from want I feed them to the fact I work). I've two boys , 5 and 1.

Mil announced 'I am coming to X's sports day and I will come up the night before and stay'. She didn't ask if it's convenient.

I just don't want her here. I want to spend sports day with the other parents having a nice time and watching my son, not constantly babysitting her. I wouldn't mind but on a previous occasion she had a go at me for ignoring her and not introducing her to my friend in the playground - even tho she had been to the house of my friend in question and met her so many times before, I didn't think I had to introduce her. I just know I will spend the day worrying about offending her by mistake.

How do I phrase it nicely/ make up an excuse or should I just suck it up? As a mum of boys I think maybe I am being mean and when my boys are older I will want to go to my grandchildren's sports day...

OP posts:

derxa · 29/05/2016 20:09

I might invite my Dad and he can talk to her , and funnily enough she isn't mean when he is around Well done suntoday

teacherwith2kids · 29/05/2016 20:12

Good plan on inviting someone else - we may well have FIL for Christmas this year, and are planning to invite my parents as well...because they actually like all of us, including both my DCs, and so hopefully will stop FIL being quite so nasty (or dilute the effect, at least).

It's tough when the grandchildren are quite old and astute enough to formulate the question 'You know Grandad talks about our cousins all the time? Why is it he likes them but not us?'

Craigie · 30/05/2016 17:45

What would your child want? If he invited her, she should go. As hard/annoying/awkward as it is, you have to treat MIL's the same way you'd treat your own mother.

Boysnme · 30/05/2016 19:29

My kids would probably rather granny was there than me!

Good for you still having MIL round, sometimes it's worth just sucking it up. Although that's easy for me to say as I quite like my in laws :-)

Chrissy1982 · 30/05/2016 19:35

Tell her you are absolutely delighted she is coming and that you have already put her name down for the compulsory Mother's race, 400 meters hurdles. You might try getting the school to organise the race so it will finish her off and you won't have to worry again.

falange · 30/05/2016 20:24

I'm with the person who said its just one day. She loves her grandchild enough to want to be there. Just be the bigger person and let her. Let your child enjoy having his grandmother watch him.

Beeziekn33ze · 30/05/2016 20:27

Suntoday, glad you feel better about it and that your Dad is able to bring out the best in her!! Hope the sports day is enjoyed by all of you.
Just a thought - if she really thought she needed to be introduced to your friend could she be developing dementia. One of the early signs can be forgetting who people are.

derxa · 30/05/2016 20:30

"so it will finish her off and you won't have to worry again.*
This made me laugh

ollieplimsoles · 30/05/2016 20:41

you have to treat MIL's the same way you'd treat your own mother.

No, not if the mil is not respectful and kind in return.

Op says she does not get on will her mil, its annoying to have someone criticising you all the time. Why doesn't to op get to enjoy her dc's sports day without her mil?

Original poster

suntoday37 · 30/05/2016 21:42

Chrissy1982 your post made me laugh!

Anyway she is going to come but if she is mean to me I am going to stand up to her this time around!!

OP posts:

zenaria · 30/05/2016 21:48

Hi, I am sure you have too many posts to read, but my 2p is that you ought not have to 'grow a thicker skin'. That is an awful thing to say. She is doing you wrong when so critical, not you. You are not the one that should have to change. I have no words of wisdom as I fully understand where you are with this situation! Good luck in what ever you decide.

teacherwith2kids · 31/05/2016 08:32

"you have to treat MIL's the same way you'd treat your own mother."

No. If the PIL in question treats you in the same way as they treat their own child, and your child in the same way as they treat their other grandchildren, then i can see that reciprocity is quite reasonably expected.

But when your PIL treat you very badly, attempt to separate you from your spouse, and refuse to acknowledge their grandchildren because you are their mother (this started at birth - FiL's first words about eldest were 'Nothing of our family in this one') then they cannot reasonably expect to be treated like your own parents, surely?

Merd · 31/05/2016 08:40

I agree teacher. I often speak up on these threads to the point that it might be annoying, but I genuinely don't think everyone can understand the dynamics at play.

If all you've ever known is a healthy family which happens to have a "grouchy grandma", a loving person but a PITA 99% of the time who you have to just "deal with", then how on earth do you grasp an entirely different mental setup?

The "Grandma who likes her tea a certain way and loves her son and wants to be involved" is a very different person from "the abusive, damaged woman who happens to be a mum and takes it out on her family through the generations". (Although from the outside one might look like the other.)

Hodooooooooor · 31/05/2016 08:43

"you have to treat MIL's the same way you'd treat your own mother

Idiotic. Of course you don't treat someone you happen to be related through only by marriage the same way you treat your own mother! You couldn't possibly even if you wanted to, its an entirely different relationship. Whether its good or bad, its not the same.

And its definitley not up to the child whether granny comes and stays or not, or goes to school events. Small children don't make such decisions.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 31/05/2016 09:22

Also I think the advice from many would be the same whether it was a toxic mother or toxic mil? Being a mum is tough enough without having someone around criticising and bringing you down. No advice op, but hope you enjoy your son's sports day. x

BertrandRussell · 31/05/2016 10:30

""you have to treat MIL's the same way you'd treat your own mother"

No you don't- that would be daft. But you do have to treat both grandmothers the same. And accept that the paternal grandmother is just as related to your child as your mother is-and your partner has just as much of a right to a relationship with his mother as you have to a relationship with yours.

And yes of course small children can decide who comes to their sports day within reason. Why wouldn't they?

BathshebaDarkstone · 31/05/2016 10:45

If I treated my MIL the same way I treat my own mother, we'd have been NC for 9 years, and I'd only be managing to talk to her at all by ignoring the fucking great elephant in the room. FWIW, she died before DH and I got together.

Original poster

suntoday37 · 31/05/2016 18:46

Just wanted to say, re having to treat her as I would my own mother...

Over the years I've known her, 15 years or so, I've always treated her better actually and given her more leeway than my own mum. Because it's been a hard dynamic and to avoid continued confrontation, I've always made more effort and bitten my tounge more with her - my own mum would never speak to me like she does and if my mum had done, I would have spoken to her about it.

I knew my DH is her only child so I've always gone above and beyond to include her / be nice to her ... I've been on multiple holidays with her , we always invite her to events (even with my side of the family) and she has stayed loads and loads when my DH isn't around. I've always felt sorry for her as she is a widow as well so I've always wanted to include her. But over the past year or so I've realised she just isn't nice and whatever I do, it's never enough so it is time to make some changes.

OP posts:

Hodooooooooor · 31/05/2016 18:51

And yes of course small children can decide who comes to their sports day within reason. Why wouldn't they?

Perhaps you let small children decide who stays in your house, and who comes to events with you as a guest. Not in my house! This is a benign dictatorship, not a democracy.

BertrandRussell · 31/05/2016 20:42

"erhaps you let small children decide who stays in your house, and who comes to events with you as a guest"
No. But I would certainly let a small child decide which family members came to his sports day!

Merd · 31/05/2016 21:04

But I would certainly let a small child decide which family members came to his sports day!

... Even if, say, Beloved Uncle Frank was under arrest for indecent exposure or having indecent images on his PC or something at the time? Or Lovely Aunt Meg was having a relapse and constantly drinking and shouting abuse at everyone or something?

This is nowhere near an immediately comparable situation to those of course, because the "danger" of emotional abuse etc are slow-burn situations, not immediate overt risks. But there are LOADS of reasons why kids don't always get to make a choice - because the people involved can behave in destructive or dangerous ways.

In this case Grandma is coming along anyway because she's damn well told everyone she is and announced when she's turning up! But in future it definitely needs to be tackled because her behaviour ("being rude and semi-abusive to her daughter in law") is not acceptable either.

I do get that you've accepted this stuff and stepped aside without question in your family setup Bertrand and for what it's worth I agree that in most situations GPs should get "equal access". In exchange most GC should get lovely caring GPs - that sounds fantastic and I bet it happens more often than not.

But some people like the OP have the right to draw their own boundaries to protect themselves and their families when they need to, and they don't need more people online endlessly ignoring their stated reasons and then guilt-tripping them for daring to say that they matter too. Nowhere have I read that she's going to cut access to the family, just redefine the boundaries.

BertrandRussell · 31/05/2016 21:29

Sorry- I assumed "within reason" would be assumed.
The OP has said nothing about her mil being an abusive grandparent. So there is no reason to block the grandparent relationship. Somwthing like a sports day is perfect- both the OP and her mil will have something to talk about and the OP will have her friends to talk to as well.

whois · 31/05/2016 21:39

But over the past year or so I've realised she just isn't nice and whatever I do, it's never enough so it is time to make some changes.

Maybe sports day will be a great opportunity to do that. Just the two of you, DC busy with their races... She says something spiteful and you can use it to ask her WTF her problem is (phrase it better than that). "MIL, I've tried very hard to include you in family activities and build a relationship with you. Frankly, if my own mum spoke to me the way you do, I'd have snapped long ago. I feel you don't like or respect me, and the constant negative comments are wearing me down. Consider this your only warning - play nice or I won't make the effort any more to facilitate a relationship with you."

BertrandRussell · 31/05/2016 21:43

Or even "Why on earth did you say that? It made me feel zxxxx- is that what you wanted me to feel?

BertrandRussell · 31/05/2016 21:47

Because if you're not said anything about it for the past 4 years you need to make sure she k pas what it is she does that upsets you. In an ideal world she will be horrified and stop. In the real world she might at least know what you mean when you tell her not to do stuff.

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