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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset because strangers touch my baby

243 replies

ladybird8131 · 26/05/2016 17:28

It seems that everywhere I go with DD, strangers feel the need to stop, tell me how gorgeous she is and then - invariably - touch her hands/face/hair.

Today I was just outside of boots after meeting up with a friend. As I was putting my DD back in her pram an old lady stopped and starting making a fuss about how beutiful my baby was. I thanked politely, still trying to fasten the harness (sweating). She then said: "don't let her out of your sight!" I said. "of course not, I am very careful".
She went on, asking how old she was, whether I intended to have more children, because you know they would look beautiful....
I couldn't make out whether she was mad or genuinely friendly.
She carried on, even though it was clear I wasn't really interested in the conversation and was only replying out of politeness.
She asked how old I was and then.....while I was still adjusting the harness, she managed to slip her hand down into the pram and stroke my DD hair. Even though I was surrounding DD with my body (still adjusting the harness). While doing this she said: "Mommy doesn't mind"
I was fuming, but more so, I was agry at myself for saying nothing. Of course I did mind, so why was I unable to say so? It worries me that, in order not to offend a stranger (a lunatic maybe?) I allowed her to do something that I do not tolerate.

Why do people (strangers) think it is ok to touch other people's babies?

Is anyone bothered by this or is it just me??

LB

OP posts:
Original poster
ladybird8131 · 26/05/2016 20:05

I'll say this again, I apologise if I have offended old people or anyone with my post, especially old people. It was not intended.

Having said that, I was expecting diverging opinions, but not personal attacks. My post was not about old people or my child's look, was about a genuine concern. Most of you would not be so rude/arrogant/patronising in real life, I don't understand why you think it is ok to be on a forum.

I have learnt to never post again on mumsnet, I am too polite to respond to some of the people here.

OP posts:
Vardyparty · 26/05/2016 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FreshHorizons · 26/05/2016 20:13

You have been a bit unlucky ladybird - generally you get more of an equal spread of opinions on these threads. I think that your original wording was unfortunate and is the cause of some of the more robust responses.
I am surprised though that people in Mediterranean countries always asked before touching, they never did with me!

pigsDOfly · 26/05/2016 20:14

The words you used to describe the woman in your post sounded far from polite OP.

LilacSpunkMonkey · 26/05/2016 20:16

This thread has it all.

Mad, old lunatic.
The Most Beautiful Baby In The World.
People taking photos of said baby Hmm
Children not understanding consent due to inappropriate hair stroking from mad old lunatics
And, my personal favourite, an OP who writes in excellent English from the off suddenly announcing she's not a native English speaker.

Can we shoe-horn some benefits bashing, P&C parking or casual racism/sexist in too?

MadamDeathstare · 26/05/2016 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadHattersChaiParty · 26/05/2016 20:25

I agree it's an issue of consent. I absolutely hate people touching my baby without consent. I sit on these feelings and try to not let them know because they appear well meaning. But it is difficult and I am on edge ... after all they are a stranger and I don't know their mental state.

We went to Greece when dd was 4 months and a woman at a restaurant wanted to hold our baby. Dh let her but I was terrified. Of course she was fine. As pp have said babies are social creatures and love interaction. Until they don't. And then they let you know!

Moomichi · 26/05/2016 20:25

A few months ago when ds was about 6 months I was walking out of Sainsbury's cafe when a lady stopped to talk to us. Ds was doing his usual flirty routine with her and she was asking how old he was etc.
Then she clapped her hands together and held them out to him and said 'come on then'
I was so stunned I sort of swayed back so I was between them both and said 'oh I wouldn't, he stinks' and walked away.
In what world would I hand my baby over to a complete stranger? It bothered me for days afterwards

didntexpecthis · 26/05/2016 20:26

I'm apologise if I have offended old people or anyone with my post, especially old people

I'm sorry OP because I'm sure you're being serious and you didn't mean it to be but this sentence is so so funny! Grin

from one of the mum on here in ridiculouse need of sleep that is affecting my sense of humour

NotYoda · 26/05/2016 20:27

Thos post, and the responses, and the flounce, has happened a million times.

YABU, OP

imonaplane · 26/05/2016 20:28

My babies must have been ugly. I don't remember any pestering by anyone - old or young. Sad

NotYoda · 26/05/2016 20:30

imon

Me too. Although someone once said DS1 had the most beautiful eyes he's ever seen

ThisIslandGirl · 26/05/2016 20:33

YANBU.

I posted a similar thread last week but mine was that we have had people trying to take our baby out of our arms, which I hate. I can't understand why people do it.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2642294-stranger-taking-your-baby-from-your-arms

didntexpecthis · 26/05/2016 20:34

OMG I can't even quote properly I'm that sleep deprived!!! I not I'mBlush

Pagwatch · 26/05/2016 20:36

Apropos nothing
I remember my mum telling me that when he first son died shortly after being born her arms ached.
I always thought that was so sad.
When she had me there was a woman in the same ward who had the same horrible experience and she felt the same. My mum used to let her hold me.

Shallowstreams · 26/05/2016 20:36

An absolutely filthy man with a tear tattooed under his eye tried to grab my baby's face the other day. He got short shrift.

VictoriaRoses · 26/05/2016 20:38

I have almost 5 month old twins and whenever we go out we get lots of 'are they twins' 'what are they' 'can I look' had some elderly Asian ladies follow us round a supermarket staring at them. Had a waitress in a restaurant warning to hold themConfused

Vixyboo · 26/05/2016 20:40

KingJoffrey I have just had surgery and your post has made me laugh so much! I was in pain anyway. At least now I am in pain and laughing!

Rainbunny · 26/05/2016 20:42

Well this thread is going as per usual. OP you should know that being cold, stand-offish Brit = bad and warm touchy-feely Mediterranean like = good. I hope you've learned your lesson! ;)

If you're fine with strangers touching your child then great, if you're not then also great - to each their own. It is rude to touch without asking first though IMHO.

corythatwas · 26/05/2016 20:43

leadcrow Thu 26-May-16 19:53:39

"I think perhaps you ought to read what people write more carefully, I said babies can't give consent. I said that at this early stage baby is an extension of mum, meaning if someone wants to handle or tough your child it would be the right thing to do to ask mum first."

Are they? I found that by 9 months that my babies had very clearly defined personalities and their own likes and dislikes which were nothing to do with me.

Vixyboo · 26/05/2016 20:43

Pagwatch how kind of your mum. That is very moving.

I lost a baby last year. My friend likes to give me her newborn to hold. It is nice when people don't treat you as if you are diseased for losing a baby.

I have a beautiful ds and have always had people stop us to tell us. I have always been thrilled by people being able to see what I see!

Eliza22 · 26/05/2016 20:45

I didn't like it. Ds was a difficult baby (later, aged 4 diagnosed with autism) so being "messed with" was always frought. He hated it!

Pagwatch · 26/05/2016 20:47

Oh Vixyboo I'm so sorry for your loss.
My mum is 83 and for a long time she didn't talk about it. It's such an awful loss.

Yes, when people think my DC are gorgeous I just think that's lovely - and how you can kid some of the people Wink

Roussette · 26/05/2016 20:47

Oh, this old chestnut again. I'm one of those old people as my DCs are now all young adults and you have no idea how much you will miss interaction with babies OP when you are my age..

I find it incredibly sad and precious that a Mum can't take it for what it is... wonderment at a lovely little being and wanting to interact. No, of course I wouldn't pick up a baby without Mum handing her/him to me but for god's sake let us just coo, stroke a cheek, touch their toes or whatever. I dont do it for fear of someone being like the OP. It was never ever like this when my lot were little, all me and my Mum friends loved having our babies cooed over, and their hair rubbed or whatever, I used to revel in it.

I was on a plane recently and on the opposite aisle was a Mum with the most gorgeous 9 month old boy. Luckily she was not like the OP. We chatted about him, how she and he was doing, I stroked his cheek and played peekaboo... Mum was laughing and enjoying it. No, it wasn't forced as he was stood at my seat in the aisle and Mum encouraged it. I wish everyone was like that. We're not all mad lunatics, we just love babies.

Willow2016 · 26/05/2016 20:53

Dont come up to Scotland then!
When you have a new baby you cant walk anywhere without people stopping to look and admire and touch the new arrival. Usualy putting a coin into the pram for good luck (and God Help US...touching the child with the coin first!!!)

Its human nature to be drawn to babies, to want to interact with and protect them, its thier job to draw us in to protect them. Its basic survival.

And up until fairly recently it was perfectly normal for a street or a village to all be involved in new arrivals and their care. Its a lovely thought and its truely sad that people are terrified of spending time and a bit of conversation with other people, especially elderly people.

What do you think you will catch off them? Maybe they are just generaly friendly people, maybe they miss thier own grand kids, maybe they are reminded of when their own kids were tiny. Time goes by so quickly op, you will be amazed at how soon you look at a new baby and think my teen used to be that size, where did that sweet little baby go? And feel a lump in your throat that you cannot remember every second of her babyhood.

Seriously lighten up and embrace life. Your baby will love the attention and if she doesnt she will sharp let you know and you can make your excuses.

Unless you are going to wrap her in bubble wrap she will pick up all sorts and put them in her mouth before you can even shout "NOOOOO" never mind get next to her. Its fine, their immune system needs to develope too and it wont in a sterile world.