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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset because strangers touch my baby

243 replies

ladybird8131 · 26/05/2016 17:28

It seems that everywhere I go with DD, strangers feel the need to stop, tell me how gorgeous she is and then - invariably - touch her hands/face/hair.

Today I was just outside of boots after meeting up with a friend. As I was putting my DD back in her pram an old lady stopped and starting making a fuss about how beutiful my baby was. I thanked politely, still trying to fasten the harness (sweating). She then said: "don't let her out of your sight!" I said. "of course not, I am very careful".
She went on, asking how old she was, whether I intended to have more children, because you know they would look beautiful....
I couldn't make out whether she was mad or genuinely friendly.
She carried on, even though it was clear I wasn't really interested in the conversation and was only replying out of politeness.
She asked how old I was and then.....while I was still adjusting the harness, she managed to slip her hand down into the pram and stroke my DD hair. Even though I was surrounding DD with my body (still adjusting the harness). While doing this she said: "Mommy doesn't mind"
I was fuming, but more so, I was agry at myself for saying nothing. Of course I did mind, so why was I unable to say so? It worries me that, in order not to offend a stranger (a lunatic maybe?) I allowed her to do something that I do not tolerate.

Why do people (strangers) think it is ok to touch other people's babies?

Is anyone bothered by this or is it just me??

LB

OP posts:
AnotherPrickInTheWall · 27/05/2016 20:30

I used to go to the local grocers ( Asian) and the young proprietor would take my daughter from her buggy and munch her before offering her a few grapes or strawberries.
I was never unnerved by this ,but I did notice that some people would seem uncomfortable when he di this to their kids ( Africans) mainly.
I hate that we are becoming such a segregated society.

CommaStop · 27/05/2016 20:52

YABU. I'm on holidays in Portugal with 16 month old this week and every passing person as far as I can see has a chat with dd, gives a smile, gets a smile, pats her head, strokes her cheek and she's loving how friendly people are. It's really lovely to be in a place that obviously loves children, gives me the warm and fuzzies. If you get a specific bad vibe off someone then I'd say trust your instincts but if you just hate people interacting with your baby you're doing your baby a disservice. I think part of your duty of care to a child is to allow them to interact with the world outside you in a way that lets them know it's mostly a good/decent/friendly place. Babies have pretty good alarm systems for when they're uncomfortable with something and even for a baby/small child not every single interaction with the outside world needs to be heavily policed by you. Only person I've had any issue with in the past 16 months is a lady in m&s telling me as my baby was so happy I must have 'been good to her in the womb' and that I just found a little weird due to the reverse assumption re a crying baby.

Marmalade85 · 27/05/2016 21:15

YABU and precious

chartmc · 27/05/2016 21:31

we went to morrocco and had ppl taking my daughter from my lap n having photos with them etc. perhaps there morals r different. but i know i felt uncimfortable.

yetanotherdeskmove · 27/05/2016 21:54

In threads like this I never understand why strangers are deemed more dirty than anyone else!

I loved it when strangers talked to or admired my babies, because my babies were bloody gorgeous. Soon enough they become shrieking toddlers and people aren't quite so interested then Wink

FreshHorizons · 27/05/2016 22:07

It is refreshing to come back to this thread after 24hrs and find that many babies are very lucky to grow up in families that are friendly and sociable- such a good start in life.

FreshHorizons · 27/05/2016 22:11

Also pleased to find that other people go to Mediteranean countries and find it common to have babies admired and touched- I thought it couldn't just be mine!
I can't imagine them asking first as OP claimed. They would sound very odd saying 'please may I touch your baby?'. What would you say anyway? 'No you can't!'?

PrincessHollie · 27/05/2016 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Phalenopsisgirl · 29/05/2016 20:08

Op I hope you never find yourself alone and lonely, I understand you are probably tired and hormonal but the you aren't the most busy vip in the universe. My mum said she used to be so lonely when she had me she longed for someone to stop and talk to her, this lady may have been desperate just to connect with someone. Be grateful this woman took the time to chat, one day you may long for this kind of connection and interaction with another human and I hope people have more compassion to you.

Scarriff · 30/05/2016 21:13

I was on a small bus in Southern Turkey when someone took my six week old dd from me for a cuddle AND passed her round the bus. Everyone smiled and clucked and admired and told me how beautiful she was. It did feel a little odd but I knew it was kindly meant. What bothered you about the old lady?

LumpishAndIllogical · 31/05/2016 00:08

Love how so many people think that there is a right to hold and touch children and babies. They are not objects that exist for the pleasure of others.

I find this need to touch and hold children/babies strange. Hmm

Is there some inherent right to hold children then? Why is this? Genuinely this assumption confuses me

Or is it we need people to prove our worth as mothers or the worth of our children through someone fawning over our sprogs.

If someone finds it uncomfortable for their child to be touched by strangers then that is fine. I don't enjoy my arse getting grabbed by strangers on the tube, but some might.

So many people are attacking OP but really she is entitled for this to make her feel uncomfortable. As much as MNetters love to police emotions, she is allowed to feel uncomfortable. And she shouldn't have to apologise because her reaction may have made some of you feel uncomfortable - maybe because of the thought that you have touched other people's children and they were unwilling participants? Or the parents were left feeling uneasy?

All people have to do is ask, as the OP said the lady didn't ask to touch her child. Assumed consent is an issue in so many ways, let's not perpetuate 'assumed consent' in situations of physical contact at any level. Just ask chaps.

PrancingQueen · 31/05/2016 06:53

This post made me sad too.

DS is nearly 4 so the cooing is mostly over, but he's happy and secure with people, partly I think, as a result of his little interactions with strangers when he was little.

It's nice for small children to see smiling faces and experience kindness from lots of people in their community.

I can be twitchy about germs and 'contamination', but never stopped a kindly person from touching his cheek, or hand when the moment was so lovely.

I really cannot understand this uptight attitude and I won't mention the nasty ageism or I'll be here all day

kali110 · 31/05/2016 14:24

LumpishAndIllogical no some people were annoyed by how nasty op had written her posts.
Mad old women, dirty men and assuming some young men were just wanting to steal her kid may have gotten some people's backs up, nothing to do with people actually touching her child.

jo2107 · 31/05/2016 15:06

Sorry people i'm with OP, i won't want random people touching my baby, nor would i dream of touching someone else's baby, admire yes, touch no.

turquoise88 · 31/05/2016 15:27

At least people have asked me first if they can take a picture. I'd rather not but always say yes of course! :(

You're honestly saying that people flock around your DD to take photographs of her and you can't help but say yes? Is she Princess Charlotte?

I also have a 9 month DD who, and I'm not afraid to say it, is gorgeous to look at. I know everyone thinks this of their baby, but many people, including strangers, have made comments about her looks. She's used to attention when we go out. But no one has ever asked to take a photograph. Wtf? Why? What are they going to do with it? I find this very odd.

Junosmum · 31/05/2016 16:39

When I first read this, I thought YABU. But realised that I couldn't recall anyone just touching DS unprevoked. Today in the post office, the sub post master 'booped' DS's nose (DS is almost 5 months). I can now definitely say that I think YABU. It didn't bother me- just made me think of this thread!

passmethewineplease · 31/05/2016 16:42

Hang on, she STROKED her hair?!

Madness.

FreshHorizons · 31/05/2016 21:35

And when you get asked Lumpish what are you going to say- 'No touching please' ?
I love the way that people say 'just ask' as if that is then OK!
They are still not going to want their baby touched (regardless of how much the baby might like it).

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