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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset because strangers touch my baby

243 replies

ladybird8131 · 26/05/2016 17:28

It seems that everywhere I go with DD, strangers feel the need to stop, tell me how gorgeous she is and then - invariably - touch her hands/face/hair.

Today I was just outside of boots after meeting up with a friend. As I was putting my DD back in her pram an old lady stopped and starting making a fuss about how beutiful my baby was. I thanked politely, still trying to fasten the harness (sweating). She then said: "don't let her out of your sight!" I said. "of course not, I am very careful".
She went on, asking how old she was, whether I intended to have more children, because you know they would look beautiful....
I couldn't make out whether she was mad or genuinely friendly.
She carried on, even though it was clear I wasn't really interested in the conversation and was only replying out of politeness.
She asked how old I was and then.....while I was still adjusting the harness, she managed to slip her hand down into the pram and stroke my DD hair. Even though I was surrounding DD with my body (still adjusting the harness). While doing this she said: "Mommy doesn't mind"
I was fuming, but more so, I was agry at myself for saying nothing. Of course I did mind, so why was I unable to say so? It worries me that, in order not to offend a stranger (a lunatic maybe?) I allowed her to do something that I do not tolerate.

Why do people (strangers) think it is ok to touch other people's babies?

Is anyone bothered by this or is it just me??

OP posts:

DrSeuss · 26/05/2016 18:58

OP, I suggest that you never, ever, ever take your child to Turkey! I took DD at 3.5 months and she was regularly fussed over, her feet kissed, her head stroked and once, a shop keeper tied an amulet on her ankle to ward off the evil eye! Several complete strangers on trips or at our hotel asked to hold her and I let them. I have pictures of a troop of dancers holding her while she wears one of their hats. At no time was I more than about two feet away from her. She was fine with it, I was fine with it and loved that she was made welcome everywhere we went rather than scowled at or tutted over as often happens in the UK. They were being nice so I was nice back!

Original poster

ladybird8131 · 26/05/2016 19:02

wow, I am glad I don't go to mother and toddler baby groups

I may have chosen the wrong words to describe today's situation. I am not native English speaker and I think I was still upset, but you lot (not all obviously) have really bashed at me, called me names and made fun of me, without knowing me at all.

It's not about agreeing or not with me, this post is more about how horrible I am rather than about the original question.

I may be a horrible mean person but I would never write the things some of you have written to me, to any of you here.

OP posts:

FreshHorizons · 26/05/2016 19:05

Of course babies consent- they make a very loud fuss if they don't!!

It is so sad. I remember one of these, many, threads where someone's Greek MIL was staying and she bent down to touch a baby and she got a strident 'Please don't touch' - the poor lady was very upset - it was perfectly normal back in Greece.

PacificDogwod · 26/05/2016 19:05

Why does it bother you quite so much though?
I am genuinely baffled.
What is it that concerns you that much??

Original poster

ladybird8131 · 26/05/2016 19:06

DrSeuss

Funny you should mention that, we took DD to a Turkish restaurant and this male waiter could not stop touching DD, he went back to the kitchen, called the waitress and took her to our table. The waitress wasn't too interested but he couldn't stop marvelling at DD. My husband got upset, thought he may try and steal DD lol

OP posts:

emotionsecho · 26/05/2016 19:08

You wrote a horrible mean description of a well meaning lady, there was no need to include the words you did in your description of the events and, sorry, but I don't accept that being a non native English speaker excuses that, it's not difficult in any language to use respectful descriptive words.

FreshHorizons · 26/05/2016 19:08

To answer the original post people touch babies because they like to make them smile and they are sociable.
It isn't just you- some people are bothered- there are threads every few months.
I think we need badges saying 'Look but don't touch' for those that are bothered.

Hodooooooooor · 26/05/2016 19:10

I am concerned about my baby's health and wellbeing

And people being kind and nice to her, talking to her, admiring her and wanting to interact with her are GOOD for her health and well being.

Her mother barking at strangers and making her feel like kind attention is bad for her, that there is a wall around her and people should leave her alone is BAD for her health and wellbeing.

leelu66 · 26/05/2016 19:11

'Marvelled'?

I love babies but can't be doing with this hyperbole.

You're going to have to post a pic of your baby so we can all marvel at this vision of beauty, OP.

corythatwas · 26/05/2016 19:11

"I do mind when they touch DD's hands, because she is only 9 months (so can't let me know that she is bothered), teething and forever putting her hands in her mouth."

That sounds odd to me: mine certainly made their displeasure known if they didn't like something at that age. It's when they're older that they might be polite about it and you might miss it.

Original poster

ladybird8131 · 26/05/2016 19:12

PacificDogwod

The thing that bothers me the most is when people touch DD's hands because she is still at an age where she puts her in mouth.
People here will say that no baby has ever died because of a few germs but they are probably the same people who don't rinse their dishes because no man has ever died for eating washing up liquid.
I want people to wash their hands before they touch my DD's hands or face.
Another point of view. It's alright if someone stops you to tell you they like your dress/bag/shoes, etc. But how would you feel if they tried it on without asking you first. Of course, it's not the same thing, a child is much more precious.

OP posts:

MrsDeVere · 26/05/2016 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pagwatch · 26/05/2016 19:14

Oh dear God.

The universe made us like babies so we look after them. It's instinctive. And social contact is good for a child.
And the 'no man died of eating washing up liquid' is nonsensical.

neveradullmoment75 · 26/05/2016 19:16

YABU. They are appreciating your baby. You are worried about germs? What happens when they crawl on the floor? Will you stop your baby crawling?

shinynewusername · 26/05/2016 19:17

People here will say that no baby has ever died because of a few germs but they are probably the same people who don't rinse their dishes because no man has ever died for eating washing up liquid

No one has ever died from not rinsing dishes.

Most childhood illnesses are spread by droplets from cough, sneezes, diarrhoea & vomit landing on hard surfaces which people then touch. Unless you are planning to put bags on your DD's hands until she hits secondary school age, she is going to be touching surfaces then touching her mouth and picking up germs all the time. She is not at risk from her hair being stroked by a kindly woman.

FreshHorizons · 26/05/2016 19:17

When my DS was 6mths the health visitor pointed out that it was ridiculous to sterilise his things when he was crawling around and putting goodness knows what into his mouth!
A dress or a bag etc is a possession. A baby is a person with views of his own. You would mind if someone tried on your dress- the dress has no opinion! You minded the woman touching your baby, the baby clearly didn't.

neveradullmoment75 · 26/05/2016 19:19

I found all sorts of what have you in my children's mouth when they were crawling. Stones and er...catfood they reached the bowl. They are now 8 and 9. They survived it.

PortiaCastis · 26/05/2016 19:19

no man has ever died from eating washing up liquid
No but it would probably induce vomiting

Original poster

ladybird8131 · 26/05/2016 19:20

leelu66

I love babies but can't be doing with this hyperbole.
You're going to have to post a pic of your baby so we can all marvel at this vision of beauty, OP.

If this post is bothering you so much, why do you keep following and writing things which are totally irrelevant to the original question. I certainly would not miss your comments.

OP posts:

IceBeing · 26/05/2016 19:20

YANBU, people shouldn't be touching babies without permission. I have no idea why people are being so rude to the OP. You can just say YABU...you don't have to start slagging the OP off.

Hodooooooooor · 26/05/2016 19:21

I want people to wash their hands before they touch my DD's hands or face

This is crazy. Your dd is 9 months? So is mine. I don't know about yours but mine licks the floor and tries to eat dust, spiders, her siblings, my hair...anything.

The odd germs on a strangers hands are of no harm to her AT ALL. If anything they are good exposure to strengthen her immune system.

You say you are trying to protect her but there is nothing to protect her from.

FreshHorizons · 26/05/2016 19:21

I do remember one of these threads where someone said 'would treat a precious piece of porcelain like that?' As if there was a similarity! It would be terrible for the poor baby to be treated like porcelain.

leadcrow · 26/05/2016 19:25

Ok, so it's not ok to call people old lunatics, but get why you did it, you're being overprotective of your baby. It's ok to feel uncomfortable having your baby touched, but the old lady was well meaning.

I think the issue a couple of people have hinted at and not explicitly addressed is the issue of consent. If a stranger tried to touch me I would tell them not to. Similarly, I would not touch someone that I was unfamiliar with without asking for consent (in some form or other)

Your baby is an extension of you and is not yet old enough to give consent to be touched. You have every right to ask someone not to handle your baby, but the trade off is that you might hurt someone's feelings.

The old lady was probably thinking back to when her kids were babies, or perhaps wishing she had grandchildren or something. Either way she was well meaning, so telling her not to touch your child would have been awkward and may have hurt her feelings, but that doesn't mean you are wrong.

Personally I don't care if people touch/kiss/fawn over my baby....in fact I love hearing how beautiful she is and she loves the attention. I live with my in laws and seeing them fawn all over her and fuss over their grandchild makes me see why (generally speaking) she always gets attention from older people when we're out and about...but remember I am not you and you are not me; your feelings are valid.

The problem with society is that they don't recognise concepts about consent, and it's mostly girls and women who suffer for it.

srslylikeomg · 26/05/2016 19:25

Cover your baby so you don't have to deal with lunatic old people op. In fact don't leave the house, probably best, as you don't like other humans and normal human interaction. What an absolute ball ache your life must be getting so upset about this trivial shite. Honestly, calm down! Babies need interaction - it's good for them!

leelu66 · 26/05/2016 19:27

As you say English isn't your first language, I'll explain why my question is relevant.

You said the waiter 'marvelled' at your DD. The definition of 'to marvel at' is 'to be filled wonder or astonishment or awe'.

Frankly I doubt the waiter was filled with any of these things OP, hence my comment that I can't be doing with hyperbole.

Secondly, if you continue to post, you should expect comments on all your posts.

And finally,, you've posted on a public forum, I have every right to follow and 'marvel' at your posts.

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