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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think charging a child to go to a party is a bit odd?

200 replies

PotholesinMyLawn · 25/05/2016 23:45

My DC has been invited to a party. It's an activity thing for a birthday a 12th.

The party is just over an hour aways drive and on the invite it says to hand in the contribution £17 in two weeks time.

Let me know if I'm weird here but I pay for my kids party based on what I can afford- I don't and haven't ever asked for a donation towards it.

Am I odd to think it's cheeky.

Unfortunately DC really wants to go.

The father has text me also when I enquired to say that if she doesn't have the numbers on the day they will reschedule the day (so we will have driven all the way there and it may not go ahead????)

OP posts:
missybct · 26/05/2016 21:45

Bollocks to that. What happened to a a film, pizza and an ice cream or some such? Jeez. At the most we'd get McDonalds and a cinema trip for a few select friends, top payout about £40-£50 in early 90's.

DSS has been invited to an activity type birthday party - it's a 90 min drive from his house (and the majority of the children's homes), will be costing them £10, plus they are going for pizza afterwards. Every parent is having to bring their child separately because for some reason nobody seems to talk or car share and the parents will then have to eat pizza too. DP told DSS's Mum not to bother with it as we'd prefer to have him that weekend, and because she was going to have to get a lift there (she doesn't drive) and payout about £50 in fuel, activity, present and food for a girl in his class he barely plays with. But DSS wants to go (as would any 7 y/o) and she said because of that, he will go no matter what. I don't think she's ever declined a school birthday invite Grin I couldn't be doing with that!

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 26/05/2016 21:48

missybct when was the last time you bought cinema tickets Grin

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 26/05/2016 21:55

I'm going to go against the grain a bit here.

"Contribution" per child makes it sound like the cost per person is more than £17 I.e. a fairly expensive activity.

From MN I know that many, many people are incredibly rude and don't bother RSVPing.

Requiring a deposit in advance seems pretty simple, deposit = coming, and the amount is enough that people will make sure they come rather than losing their deposit - so it is unlikely they won't have the numbers on the day.

If the activity is something amazing that you are partly paying towards, then I think it is fair enough, and pretty sensible.

If you are paying the entire cost for eg a softplay parry then it's a bit tight...

OneMagnumisneverenough · 26/05/2016 22:07

ItsAll I don't disagree per se, but not for a 12 year olds whole class party. that's the kind of thing you do for a small group of close friends and maybe a couple of years older. i.e. It's something they wouldn't otherwise get a chance to do like whitewater rafting or something and you organise it after speaking to the parents beforehand saying "the activity costs £30, since it's x's birthday we'd like to pay half and we'll supply lunch, are you okay with chipping in the £15 before I go and book" "Also, you don't need to bring a present, x just wants to enjoy the activity with his friends"

If you are having a whole class party at 12, you hire a hall and chuck on a disco, you organise swimming and mcDs or an adult bouncy castle or something - something you can afford to run without charging an entrance fee.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 26/05/2016 22:10

Or you make it not for the child's birthday as such and send a message asking if people would like to be part of a group activity, suss out numbers and deposits/payments etc. Then if you wanted you could say that since it's x;s birthday you are going to take a cake but point out that you are not expecting gifts.

Frrrrrrippery · 26/05/2016 22:11

Catvsworld. That's shocking behaviour by the party hosts but I think I'd be even more shocked if anyone had still turned up. I wouldn't have.

missybct · 26/05/2016 22:11

screenshotting Grin I was talking about early 90s Wink A fiver would get you a ticket and a snack if not more, happy days!

My Dad did away with cinema parties when we got Sky in 1993, he said all we needed was on there Grin

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 26/05/2016 22:18

NotSo I think the difference between a 40th birthday couple friends' weekend away and a 12 year old whole class party is that in the second instance the invite goes to the child, who wants to go, but the money is paid by the parent - thus putting the invitee's parent in an unasked for difficult position of either finding the cash (including travel costs) and sacrificing the whole day to the long drive and waiting about (potentially with siblings to juggle etc) or saying no and being the "bad guy" in the eyes of their disappointed child.

With the adult party/ weekend away the person invited is the same person as the one paying and the person who will cope with the disappointment if it is not financially possible - there is no invited child being told no, you can't go, by their stuck in the middle parent.

Same with older teens - a reasonable chance they will be paying their contribution themselves out of an allowance or Saturday job and deciding to prioritise the birthday celebration over the new top or concert ticket, or to use their phone sparingly that month so as to avoid topping up... or whatever...

ThatStewie · 26/05/2016 22:32

Being asked to contribute to a children's party is inappropriate. 5 year olds don't need expensive parties. It's different with teenagers as you're not 'hosting' a party but inviting friends to celebrate. £17 for a party an hour away is 'hosting'. If the kids can't travel to the venue themselves or need parental supervision, you're hosting a party. Teenagers going out for dinner & a movie is fine. In my experience, they're far more aware of each other's finances than parents think and tailor celebrations to what is affordable. A whole class party in the middle of nowhere requiring £17 and transport simply isn't affordable.

Hockeynut · 26/05/2016 22:35

Very strange. Declining was the best thing, you are best off out of this weirdness. All that happens in these odd situations is yet more weirdness.

TeaandCake8 · 26/05/2016 22:41

That is abit of a cheek isn't it...I can't help feeling sorry for the kid who's party it is as no one may end up going! If it's that far it would of been reasonably for the parents to of organised transport (mini bus or something) for the kids at least (although you may of been charged more!) don't know if I would feel comfortable asking for money to attend something I've invited them too but then some people may be different

mammamic · 27/05/2016 01:01

It's unusual but not outrageous. If they're friends and he wants to and you can afford it - it's a lovely day out with classmates that you don't have to organise and happens to be someone's birthday. If you look at it that way - doesn't seem so weird any more.

kali110 · 27/05/2016 02:15

Wth Confused
Er no
Do something else.
My parents never asked my friends parents for money when they took me and them out for the day.
Never even asked for any towards food either and neither would i.

They weren't cheap days out, that's why you didn't invite more than you could afford ( or fit in the car Grin)
It's going to be a bit shit if everyone decides it's a bit too expensive!

MrsSpecter · 27/05/2016 02:19

Is this another attempt at a "cancel the cheque" type thread hoping to go viral?

00100001 · 27/05/2016 08:33

mamma feel free to pay for OPs son to go then

Notso · 27/05/2016 16:11

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne I could understand that more if this was a party for younger children who have little concept of cost or time involved. Even then though any invitation can be a struggle for parents for many reasons. Soft play for example can turn into an expensive afternoon if you have to take other DC with you. I wouldn't consider someone rude for arranging a party there though.
Many 12 year olds have pocket money and are surely old enough to understand if something is too far/expensive/doesn't fit in with sisters tennis lesson or whatever without kicking up too much fuss. The waiting round for children is IMO just part and parcel of being a parent.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 27/05/2016 18:38

Notso but it is different to an invite where the person invited is the same person as the one paying and sorting their own travel.

Waiting around is part and parcel of being a parent - but driving for two hours and waiting around for the duration of a party between those hours just for a classmates party isn't - if everyone did that it would be unsustainable and miserable for siblings and parents alike.

I've done parties a drive from home - but if it's further than 20 mins away we only invite as many as we can transport ourselves, and even for bowling parties 20 mins away people lift share and the kids know who only has one car and should be offered a place in our car (rural without public transport).

My kids always want all their invitees to be able to come and I rather feel parents are doing us a favour helping make my kid's birthday special by making sure theirs attends (and brings a present - not that that is important but it is something people put themselves out and go to expense to do) rather than feeling the party organiser is doing the invitees and their parents some kind of favour.

manicmij · 27/05/2016 19:25

Another example of party madness.When are folk going to realise that this sort of thing is just ridiculous. It's a child's party for goodness sake. Get real, nothing wrong with about half a dozen friends doing something together but a whole class and all the cost and travelling is stupid. Would definitely decline. If child is really upset about not going would give half of cost (petrol+contribution) to child for a treat. Can't put an amount on the stress of having to drive for 2 hours,

Roversandrhodes · 27/05/2016 19:32

Not a chance in hell I'd be doing that !The cheek of some parents

Serialweightwatcher · 27/05/2016 19:36

Think that's really off ........... if they don't have the funds, they should have just paid for their child and one or two others to go to the cinema or for a bite to eat ..... I'd never invite a child to anything and expect them to pay. Puts you in tricky situation when your child wants to go, but you're right to try to do something fun with them instead and decline the invite.

GabsAlot · 27/05/2016 20:01

sorry what!?
and whats with the it might be re aranged nonsesne-u cant expect people to drive an hour only to be told to go home

if hes trying to impress his child its going to completly backfire as i cant see alot of parents paying or turning up then how does he explain that

and why should they

my nephew invited four friends to go ape all paid for by my sister and a picnic she would dream of asking them for the money

Thingamajiggy · 27/05/2016 20:04

You're not being weird. It's bang out of order to ask for money for a party. And anyone who thinks that's appropriate is probably the sort of person who'd try to profit from it to boot

BoudiccaAD60 · 27/05/2016 20:05

Blimey! It's getting out of control. I resent this. A party is a party, not a pay at the door event. Parents really need to scale it down and be modest in their choice of kids' party.

It's very common round here (Bucks) and of course average parents feel they have to keep up with the stupendously wealthy ones.

Tricky one as it's awful to say no to the child. What do other parents think?

Could you set the example at your child's next party? Maybe even add a rueful note to the invitation? "It's a children's party. Not a showcasing of my wealth!"

(What's the little darling's 18th going to be like? Hire Michael Buble? Little Mix? Ed Sheeran? All of them???) Good luck...

OneMagnumisneverenough · 27/05/2016 20:08

(What's the little darling's 18th going to be like? Hire Michael Buble? Little Mix? Ed Sheeran? All of them???)

Can you imagine how much the ticket for the party would cost!!

HappiestMummyAlive · 27/05/2016 20:10

Very odd, never heard anything like it.

First thing that come to my mind - The child really wants a birthday party, parents can't really afford, perhaps taken out a loan/borrowed from someone and want to make the money back.

If DS or DD wanted to go I would pay the money, after all it isn't that much.

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