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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want/expect my husband to have a vasectomy?

123 replies

fluffymummykins · 25/05/2016 23:10

My husband is almost 50 and we have 3 daughters. We've been discussing contraception and are at loggerheads. He doesn't like condoms and is desperate for a boy. I have had lady health problems and so don't want another baby (for health reasons and the fact we have no room for one in our house!) nor do I want to use invasive contraception or mess around with my hormones via the pill. I've suggested a vasectomy and he's totally against it. He's suggested I be sterilised instead but he doesn't get that its a major operation for me, compared to the snip.
I'm finding myself getting annoyed with him and thinking how selfish he is. AIBU?

OP posts:
WonkoTheSane42 · 25/05/2016 23:11

Abstinence is a sure fire method. He might come around if that's his only other option.

x2boys · 25/05/2016 23:14

No.I don't think yabu I have two boys but it's pot luck really you could have another five daughters plus you have been through childbirth three times so the least he could do is have a vasectomy if nothing else would work .

ilovelamp82 · 25/05/2016 23:17

YANBU to want him to, YABU yo expect him to. If he still would like another child I can understand why he wouldn't want a vasectomy while he's not in the same frame of mind. That being said if you have problems with contraceptions, he'll just have to wear condoms even if he doesn't 'like' them.

VestalVirgin · 25/05/2016 23:19

Present to him the alternatives: No PIV (Penis in Vagina) anymore, or vasectomy.

If he does get vasectomy, do make sure it worked, they have to test the ejaculate for any remaining viable sperm. It doesn't always stick.

How old are you?

Depending on your age, the easiest thing might be to just abstain from PIV until you hit menopause.

glasgowlass · 25/05/2016 23:22

Hawd the bus....

You get to choose what happens with your body, i.e. no pill, no invasive contraception, no tubal ligation etc.

He gets to choose what happens with his body. If he doesn't want a vasectomy that's his choice, not yours.

Spitting the dummy will not help. You have to find a way to take charge of your own contraception that is comfortable for you.
If he doesn't like condoms then that's an issue....I'm more concerned that there is more to this as he is 'desperate for a boy' whereas you don't want anymore?
Abstinence may be the best choice for now but you can't dictate what happens to his body, no more than he can dictate what happens to yours.

littledrummergirl · 25/05/2016 23:31

Yabu to expect another human being to make a permanent change to their body when they have told you they are happy as they are.
He has told you he would like another dc. He has told you he doesn't want to use protection. He has the right to make this decision.
You don't want any more dc and you want to use protection. That is your right, you get to decide which method works for you. If you are unwilling to use contraception then you can either not have sex or accept there may be consequences.

RiverCambs · 25/05/2016 23:33

YABU. You don't want to take one tiny pill a day but you are annoyed at him for not wanting a vasectomy?!

RiverCambs · 25/05/2016 23:33

YABU. You don't want to take one tiny pill a day but you are annoyed at him for not wanting a vasectomy?!

WeirdAndPissedOff · 26/05/2016 00:06

YABU - he is not interested in permanent contraception, and in fact is still considering the possibility of another DC.

Also: you don't want to use invasive contraception but expect him to have a vasectomy? YABVU.

However you would not BU to ask him to use condoms if you don't want to use invasive contraception.

scaevola · 26/05/2016 00:08

YABU to want

But YABVVU to expect

It's his body, his choice.

And someone who wants more DC should definitely not be contemplating surgery to permanently remove fertility.

If you think a surgical answer and permanent ending to fertility is the right choice, then you might want to consider being sterilised yourself. Because vasectomy is not risk free (and the risks of the nastier complications, at 10% are higher than people sometimes think) and female sterilisation by Essure doesn't require a general anaesthetic - one to research?

scaevola · 26/05/2016 00:09

Sorry, missed a letter: YANBU to want

TheNaze73 · 26/05/2016 00:10

YABU.

bridgetoc · 26/05/2016 00:15

YABU

Littlefluffyclouds81 · 26/05/2016 00:17

What about the copper coil or a diaphragm/cap?

Frrrrrrippery · 26/05/2016 00:23

YABU to use the term 'lady health problems' Wink

YABU to expect him to have a vasectomy

Why don't you get sterilised. I had it done. It was easy, quick and almost painless. It felt like a period. I didn't take any painkillers. Apparently it takes 7 or 8 minutes. I was out for a very short time. Best thing is that it works immediately. I'm sure other people may experience problems though - you would have to research it.

iLikeBoringThings · 26/05/2016 00:50

YABU.

You asked, he said no. You have no right to demand this of him.

You don't want to take/use one of the MANY forms of contraception available to you, so you expect him to do something permanent, even though he is desperate for another child?

It is you that is being selfish and your husband that should be annoyed!

Oh, and 'lady health problems'? Seriously?? Wow.

Osirus · 26/05/2016 00:54

YABU. No one should force a medical procedure on another person. Being sterilised isn't that bad an op - not had it personally but do know others who have and they recovered very quickly. The rate of side effects for a vasectomy is very high - why would you want to risk your OH being in indefinite pain?

noeffingidea · 26/05/2016 00:55

Why do you think female sterilisation is a 'major operation'?
It generally isn't , nowadays. It's usually possible to have it done via keyhole surgery, as a day patient. I was sterilised 16 years ago, I was in and out in about 6 hours. No problems whatsoever, in fact I didn't even need to take a paracetamol afterwards.

GreenGlassLove · 26/05/2016 01:42

You are expecting him to have a permanent change made to his body when he wants more childrem because you don't want more kids but you don't want to make a permanent (or even a temporary) change to your body and you think HE'S the selfish one?

curren · 26/05/2016 06:34

Yabu. As others have said. It's his body, his choice.

Charley50 · 26/05/2016 06:47

Yabu

monkeysox · 26/05/2016 06:50

I think yanu

You've given birth three times. He could step up now

Groovee · 26/05/2016 06:51

My dh always said he would get a vasectomy but it took until our ds was 5 before he actually got it done!

You cannot force him to have it. He has a right to say no. But you have the right to say no to another child. There is only a 50% chance of a boy.

AHellOfABird · 26/05/2016 06:55

It would be nice if he would do this for you two as a couple. However, I can see why someone who doesn't think their family is complete would not go for this.

It's also completely fine for you to choose not to do it. On that basis, he needs to continue with condoms or you can have other kinds of sex than PIV.

Statistically, if you have had 3 girls, I believe you are more than 50% likely to have another girl anyway! An interesting thought experiment - if he knew any further baby would be a girl, would he get the vasectomy?

Farahilda · 26/05/2016 07:08

"You've given birth three times"

As men cannot be pregnant, this isn't something that can be taken turns with. So it just isn't be relevant. It's never about taking turns - unless you are comparing things that are more alike eg whose turn at reversible contraception.

And there's no way a woman who wanted another child would be advised her DP was being reasonable in expecting her to be sterilised.