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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want/expect my husband to have a vasectomy?

123 replies

fluffymummykins · 25/05/2016 23:10

My husband is almost 50 and we have 3 daughters. We've been discussing contraception and are at loggerheads. He doesn't like condoms and is desperate for a boy. I have had lady health problems and so don't want another baby (for health reasons and the fact we have no room for one in our house!) nor do I want to use invasive contraception or mess around with my hormones via the pill. I've suggested a vasectomy and he's totally against it. He's suggested I be sterilised instead but he doesn't get that its a major operation for me, compared to the snip.
I'm finding myself getting annoyed with him and thinking how selfish he is. AIBU?

OP posts:
Twinkie1 · 26/05/2016 08:18

Post Vasectomy Pain syndrome is a small risk and IMO is a risk he should be willing to take. We as women are up against all sorts of risks when giving birth and using hormonal contraception.

Ivegotyourgoat · 26/05/2016 08:18

Napqueen so hang on, he might leave his wife and the 3 children he's already got, because he's hoping for some imaginary son that may never happen anyway.

He might leave his wife because she won't allow him to have unprotected sex with him?

Do you think he'd be justified in all that?

Twinkie1 · 26/05/2016 08:20

Takes a special kind of c**t in my opinion to break up his family because his need for a son is so great!!

Twinkie1 · 26/05/2016 08:20

And if you choose not to have sex he'll leave you anyway???????

I've heard it all now.

MrsJayy · 26/05/2016 08:21

But the op is refusing too she is stomping her feet as well i think him wanting a son is unreasonable unrealistic and odd though and the issue is with him wanting a son like boys can be plucked from the air thats their main issue imo he is expecting her to make a son which is ridiculous and selfish

diddl · 26/05/2016 08:22

Well that's the thing isn't it?

Sometimes decisions need making as a couple, not as an individual.

Neither of them should have to have an op that they don't want to or to use a form of contraception that they don't want to.

After a time I didn't want to be on the pill anymore, didn't want an iud so it was condoms or no sex as far as I was concerned.

Husband didn't fancy condoms long term so had a vasectomy.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 26/05/2016 08:23

Um yes I am for real thanks goat

My post is pretty much what my GP said to me. But what would she know eh?

WeAreTheOthers · 26/05/2016 08:25

I agree Twinkie, he'd have to be a humongous twat to do it but I guess stranger things have happened.
I don't, however, think OP should be forcing him down the vasectomy path any more than he should be forcing her to have another child which might not be a boy anyway.

Ivegotyourgoat · 26/05/2016 08:25

Soul what has your GP got to do with the op not wanting to use invasive contraception and wanting to use condoms?

Your GP and reproductive health has nothing whatsoever to do with the op.

Cheby · 26/05/2016 08:26

YABU for asking him to have a vasectomy when he doesn't want one.

But, YWNBU to say no PIV unless condoms and to refuse to use hormonal contraception.

Also, your DH is being completely unreasonable to ask you to have a fourth child when you have stated you don't want any more due to health problems. That's outrageous. Does he not care for your health and well being?

My DH wants baby no. 2, and we are TTC now, but if I said I can't face carrying another baby for whatever reason, even if I just didn't feel like it, he would drop it immediately. It's an incredible demand to make on a woman's body (and, much greater than the demands of a vasectomy on a male body).

So essentially you can't ask him to have a vasectomy when he doesn't want to but i would really struggle to stay in a relationship with a man who wanted to risk my own health to get what he wants.

MrsJayy · 26/05/2016 08:26

Yes you are right didl but i think the op has bigger problems than who gets what although she isnt using contraception either so not being responsible

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 26/05/2016 08:29

Where does the op say that they have continued their sex life under these stalemate conditions MrsJay? Have I missed a bit where the OP has been irresponsible?

MrsJayy · 26/05/2016 08:30

I too would struggle to stay with a man who was willing to put my health at risk for another baby.

DrDreReturns · 26/05/2016 08:30

If you don't want any more children then you get sterilised - simple.
I have to say I think his desire to have a son is a bit pathetic, who does he think he is? King Henry VIII?

Ivegotyourgoat · 26/05/2016 08:32

I think it's bonkers when a 50 year old man that already has 3 children is apparently justified in pressuring his wife, who has health problems, to conceive another child, in the hope that it will be a boy. If she refusing to have unprotected sex with him he can leave to sow his oats elsewhere.

But she's wrong.

Yeah ok.

Keely93 · 26/05/2016 08:33

I agree with ivegotyourgoat to be honest. And if she doesn't want anymore because of HEALTH PROBLEMS then I think he's being a bit selfish in not understanding that. They have 3 and the next may be a girl if they did have another anyway!!

Keely93 · 26/05/2016 08:34

I just wouldn't have sex anymore. I'm sure he'll get the picture...

NapQueen · 26/05/2016 08:34

I'vegotyourgoat - nowhere did I say he would be justified doing that. However countless threads on here by women who want another child and their dh doesn't and often they are told that if their wish for another child is greater than their wish to remain with someone who doesn't want another then they should separate.

Goingtobeawesome · 26/05/2016 08:34

We were advised to not have more children so DH had the snip. He felt I'd done my bit by going through really tough times to have the family we both wanted, and while we would have both liked more kids, he felt more than me he should listen to the medical advice and it is an easier op generally so he had it done.

You can't force him into something he doesn't want but neither can he. Good luck with making a decision as there is no real compromise.

NapQueen · 26/05/2016 08:35

Tbh if my dh was trying to force me to put my body through surgery I didn't want I'd loose a hell of a lot of respect for him and it would make me reconsider my marriage.

Thankfully I'm not married to an arse.

NapQueen · 26/05/2016 08:36

Twinkie - i said he "may" end up leaving g anyways. If you are going to reference my posts at least do so correctly. Not will. May.

He may choose not to remain in a sex less marriage. Again, advice a woman would be given on here if her husband refused to have sex with her for the remainder of their lives.

AHellOfABird · 26/05/2016 08:37

"It's an incredible demand to make on a woman's body (and, much greater than the demands of a vasectomy on a male body).

So essentially you can't ask him to have a vasectomy when he doesn't want to but i would really struggle to stay in a relationship with a man who wanted to risk my own health to get what he wants."

Yup.

This is why I don't really get the "well, men can't get pregnant so it's unfair to use your pregnancies as part of the argument as to why it's his turn." Women's bodies are significantly affected by pregnancy, why shouldn't that be acknowledged in the mix?

Ivegotyourgoat · 26/05/2016 08:38

Good luck to him finding a woman willing to have this baby, and it being a boy.

Fwiw I don't think anyone should force somebody to have a procedure, I think it would be decent of him to at least look into a vasectomy. He should most definitely use condoms though.

pearlylum · 26/05/2016 08:39

So a woman should bow to the pressure of sterilisisation from her husband even though she wants more kids?

AHellOfABird · 26/05/2016 08:39

Nap

Not for the rest of their lives, just until menopause.

And there's a difference between a refusal to have sex (which would normally encompass all forms of sexual pleasure) and not having PIV to avoid babies but still being intimate.