AIBU to want/expect my husband to have a vasectomy?

[fluffymummykins]

My husband is almost 50 and we have 3 daughters. We've been discussing contraception and are at loggerheads. He doesn't like condoms and is desperate for a boy. I have had lady health problems and so don't want another baby (for health reasons and the fact we have no room for one in our house!) nor do I want to use invasive contraception or mess around with my hormones via the pill. I've suggested a vasectomy and he's totally against it. He's suggested I be sterilised instead but he doesn't get that its a major operation for me, compared to the snip.
I'm finding myself getting annoyed with him and thinking how selfish he is. AIBU?

I agree with pps who say you can't force surgery on someone. But all your reasons for not wanting various types of contraception are valid too.

I can see it would be nice if he did step up but as said he shouldn't be made to or pressured into it.

I think the only valid options here given both of your feelings are condoms or absenence. I've never seen why condoms are a problem.

Personally I would feel like abstaining with someone who badly wants a boy just for the sake of being a boy, as it would be a massive turn off to know the other person was valuing a child based on sex alone. And yes i would feel that about a woman who valued a child based only on being a girl, but I don't fancy women in the first place iyswim

". I've suggested a vasectomy and he's totally against it. He's suggested I be sterilised instead but he doesn't get that its a major operation for me, compared to the snip.I'm finding myself getting annoyed with him and thinking how selfish he is"

Sounds like the suggestions have gone both ways, rather than the OP pressuring her DH.

OP, if his reason for not having a vasectomy is wanting another child (son), what is his reason for suggesting you are sterilised? Surely a more consistent position would be "let's use condoms for now, see how health and finances develop but I absolutely understand you don't want another baby in our current circumstances"

If DH thinks he can keep his options open on another child whilst suggesting OP is sterilised, that's a different kettle of fish!

You can't make him have this if he's unwilling, but you have three daughters and he's always hankered after a son - is he hoping that there'll be a contraceptive failure? That's bit creepy BUT it's your body and your reasons for not risking another pregnancy are perfectly reasonable. IIWY I'd research as much about female sterilisation as I could - there are bound to be modern methods which are not too invasive but very nearly 100% reliable.

Incidentally, I think they are both significant medical procedures and I wouldn't trivialise either of them. It does feel more like he wants you to do it because he doesn't want to rather than trying to preserve the option of a child in future.

She's not refusing to have sex she's saying they should use contraception.

Personally I think decisions to have children should be made together for the best interests of the whole family. Surely your marriage is important as well as having children?

If they were two childless 35 year olds then the need to try for children might overcome this.

However they already have THREE children, and he doesn't want a child he wants a boy. In no way is he putting his existing family first. I'd say exactly the same if it was a woman wanting a fourth.

My body is permanently changed in some ways after two children, I've also taken the pill for years. I've already told dh I'll be unlikely to get sterilised because I feel I've done enough. So if he won't consider a vasectomy we would use condoms.

There doesnt seem any respect coming from the husband in this sad situation which is a real shame. I was sterrilised at 30 for health reasons my body couldnt have any more babies I needed that reassurance that i wouldnt get pregnant again (yes i know sterrlisation can fail) so I didnt ask my husband to have a vasectomy and i didnt want to faff about with contraception and hormones they didnt suit me

There is a procedure you can get that replicates being sterillised i cant remember what its called it wasnt around when i was done

I got sterilised with the Mirena method: no surgery. It's been brilliant.

DH wouldn't have vasectomy either, and I had all the same worries as you.

I got mine on the NHS, thanks to supportive practice.

Perhaps the OH in question is simply being pragmatic. There is a huge age difference here, the OH has probably seen enough of life to know that things don't always turn out as you expect them to.

I doubt his suggestion of sterilisation to the OP was serious about her being sterilised- probably rhetorical- he wants more kids remember.

I have a lot of sympathy for the ops husband.

Not Mirena!! Essure, it's called.

(The Mirena was one of the reasons I got the Essure as the Mirena was awful for me)

Essure thats it seems to be done more than the operation I read

leelu "YANBU. Vasactomies can be reversed."

Not on the NHS, at a cost of around £2500 all in and with no guarantees of a success rate higher than 5%.

I would consider that irreversible.

Essure might be a good choice, OP or discussion with a counsellor experienced in reproductive issues to try and tease out the various lines in the sand and what he is really saying.

"I've already told dh I'll be unlikely to get sterilised because I feel I've done enough."

Yes, that's how I felt.

Not only did I have the kids, but I also was responsible for contraception before, between & after the kids for a time.

That was for both of us, not just me.

"I doubt his suggestion of sterilisation to the OP was serious about her being sterilised- probably rhetorical- he wants more kids remember."

That's quite the leap.

If he wants more kids, why is he complaining about condoms? If OP changes her mind, then condoms can be stopped immediately.

I wonder what his problem with condoms is until they can agree on a solution together?

"That was for both of us, not just me."

Exactly!

OP, did you previously use condoms between babies?

Well a quick google of Essure tells me that women report chronic pelvic pain.

I'm sure it's been ok for lots of women but there is after pain for some.

How is this ok but the risk of testicular pain isn't?

Neither of you wants surgery which is fair enough

You don't want hormone based contraception which again is fair enough

The only solution is no sex without a condom. Simple.

If he won't wear one he doesn't have sex

YANBU- you've shouldered all the responsibility so far, gone through pregnancies, given birth and you are well within your rights to say enough is enough.

You need to convince your DH that you will not be having any more babies so him living in hope of producing a son for him is pointless.

Hasn't he already got dcfrom a previous marriage anyway?

How many more does he bloody want?

Seems very odd that he's desperate for a son, but his desperation didn't stop him suggesting you get sterilised.

I find some of the responses on this thread concerning.
Being married does not cancel out both autonomy. Should a husband pressure his wife into an abortion because it's "the best for us as a family."
He doesn't want a vasectomy and it's his right to do that. You don't want to be sterilized or use invasive contraception as is your right. You might get somewhere in this discussion of you accept each other's "no"s and have the remaining options a shot.
Btw if a friend, male or female, told me that partner expected them to make a permanent change to their body that didn't want, I would consider this a huge red flag and advise them to leave.

"Seems very odd that he's desperate for a son, but his desperation didn't stop him suggesting you get sterilised."

Indeed.

So if Op decided to go ahead with being sterilised, what then?

Did he really just think that you would keep on having babies until there was a son??