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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want/expect my husband to have a vasectomy?

123 replies

fluffymummykins · 25/05/2016 23:10

My husband is almost 50 and we have 3 daughters. We've been discussing contraception and are at loggerheads. He doesn't like condoms and is desperate for a boy. I have had lady health problems and so don't want another baby (for health reasons and the fact we have no room for one in our house!) nor do I want to use invasive contraception or mess around with my hormones via the pill. I've suggested a vasectomy and he's totally against it. He's suggested I be sterilised instead but he doesn't get that its a major operation for me, compared to the snip.
I'm finding myself getting annoyed with him and thinking how selfish he is. AIBU?

OP posts:
LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 26/05/2016 07:41

Would you not consider the Mirena coil OP? As effective as sterilisation and only a tiny dose of localised hormones.

We also have 3 children and aren't planning any more but dh didn't feel ready for the snip. Which I totally respect - it's his body and a big decision.

Ivegotyourgoat · 26/05/2016 07:43

Oh the irony

ArgyMargy · 26/05/2016 07:45

I totally get your attitude to hormonal contraception. However you're the one who is adamant about not having more children, so it's you who should get sterilised. As others have said, this is a minor procedure nowadays. Why not talk to your GP about the options available to you?

Ivegotyourgoat · 26/05/2016 07:45

Likeasoul why on earth should she consider a coil, when she clearly said she doesn't want invasive or hormonal contraception, because poor little diddums husband doesn't like condoms. Are you actually for real?

Alisvolatpropiis · 26/05/2016 07:46

Where's the irony, goat?

She doesn't want any more children, it makes sense that she takes charge of making sure that doesn't happen. Not least because if her husband is desperate, he might resort to lying about having the vasectomy anyway.

Dozer · 26/05/2016 07:51

He is being U for not wanting to use condoms.

Ivegotyourgoat · 26/05/2016 07:52

She has she's said she's willing to use condoms.

If I was concerned that my husband might deliberately get me pregnant against my will he wouldn't be my husband anymore.

Besides they are supposed to be part of a marriage. He might want more children, but as his wife has already carried 3 for them, she's said that they have no space, and she's got health problems, and given his age, I'm quite confident to say he's in the wrong regarding wanting more children.

captainproton · 26/05/2016 07:53

We've had a similar conversation here this morning. I've had years of hormonal contraception, bits put in me to prevent pregnancy etc. I actually quite like not being on hormones so I refuse to go back on them. We did use to use condoms but we had one failure. We've had a baby recently, planned I might add the thought of another petrified me. Thing is the NHS won't find my sterilisation but will fund his as he is nearly 50. He refuses to do it because of fear basically.

After reading reports of people getting pregnant through clothing, and knowing we've had a 100% strike right in getting pregnant 3 times in a row, once whilst breastfeeding every 3 hours day and night I don't want to chance it.

I can't force him, and I won't, but I am clear no more PIV for me unless he does this. There are other things we can do. I don't want to get pregnant and I would hate having to consider an abortion.

LouBlue1507 · 26/05/2016 07:54

Alisvolatpropiis

I see your point! I have seen a couple of threads where a lot of people have ripped men apart stating that if they don't want anymore children, then it's up to them to take responsibility and get snipped as no contraception is 100%... So why not the same for a woman?

zad716 · 26/05/2016 07:55

diddl The oldest recorded father is 96. He might not be planning or wanting to do anything now, but who knows what might happen over the next 50 years.

GreenGlassLove · 26/05/2016 07:55

How is this 'sexism at its finest' Goat? She's adamant she doesn't want more kids so she should be the one to ensure that she doesn't get pregnant. Likewise, if she still wanted kids but her husband was adamant he didn't then he should be the one to be sterilized. Simple. Is it now sexist for a woman to take some responsibility for what happens to her body?

DiggersRest · 26/05/2016 07:56

OP l don't think yabu. You've carried and given birth to 3 dc, l would expect my dh to do his share now. Your dh wants another dc so of course he is going to be reluctant, does he fully appreciate that you don't want any more dc?

My dh won't have a vasectomy as he wouldn't mind one more dc.

GnomeDePlume · 26/05/2016 07:56

YABU

Vasectomy should not be trivialised as 'the snip'. Post Vasectomy Pain Syndrome is real and can be devastating. Google it then decide if that is what you want to risk.

You can decide what you do with your body but should not want/expect someone to undergo a significant medical procedure because it suits you.

pearlylum · 26/05/2016 07:58

OP if your OH is nearly 50 then i am guessing that you are around the same age?

IlikePercyPig · 26/05/2016 08:00

YANBU to like him to get one but YABU to expect him to get one, his body and his choice.

I don't like condoms either and neither does my wife but if they were the only available method or something we would use them.

MrsJayy · 26/05/2016 08:03

Yabu you cant dictate to him what he does or doesnt do to his own body you dont like the pill you dont like the thought of hormonal contraception you dont like the thought of your body being invaded you dont want sterillised you need to take charge of your oen fertility im afraid its either abstinence so no more babies or sterrilisation so no more babies, being sterillised isnt as big of a procedure than you think however I do think your husband is holding out for you changing your mind abput another pregnancy which is unfair.

pearlylum · 26/05/2016 08:08

OK I see the OP is 30, so 20 years younger than her partner.

So quite a while of reproductive years to go yet.
And presumably no crystal ball- that's a problem.

What if the marriage splits up? OP may want another child with a new partner- something she is happy to deny her OH- he needs future choices too.

MrsJayy · 26/05/2016 08:09

Btw I do think your husband is being a stubborn and selfish man its like you are stuck in stalemate i dont think you taking control of your own body is giving in though because if you ever seperated you still dont want babies iyswim

pearlylum · 26/05/2016 08:11

Mrsj- but by the same token it's unfair of the OP to deny her OH of future reproductive choices.

NapQueen · 26/05/2016 08:13

Your husband still wants another child. Yabu to expect him to be sterilised when he still wants another child. For all you know the need for a son may become so great he leaves to have a child with someone else.

You don't want kids. You sort the contraception. If you aren't happy with the options, no sex. Simple. Which may result in him leaving anyways.

IlikePercyPig · 26/05/2016 08:13

He's being selfish? Sorry but I don't agree with that at all.

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 26/05/2016 08:15

You can't make him get a vesectomy, that's his choice. You don't have to have sex with him without a condom, that's your choice. He can choose not to have sex if he doesn't want to use a condom. But whatever happens, don't let him hen peck you into having another child by being difficult about contraception.

You can always choose to live a sexless marriage, leave the marriage (or take a lover who isn't a dick about condoms)

Ivegotyourgoat · 26/05/2016 08:15

Well he might want more children, no sorry he wants a son, but his wife doesn't, and they've already got 3. What exactly can he be hoping for here? That's she'll get pregnant accidentally on purpose. Or is he going to find a younger women?

It's ok I thought decisions were supposed to be made together in marriages a sin the best interests of both parties, not one stamping their feet saying "I want a son" and so refusing to use contraception.

I think most level headed people would be happy they'd been lucky enough to have 3 children and give their wife a break.

MrsJayy · 26/05/2016 08:17

pearlybum what do you mean ?

pearlylum · 26/05/2016 08:18

If a woman came on here saying that her OH was pressurising her to be sterilised even though she really wanted another child, she would be getting a huge amount of sympathy.