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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want/expect my husband to have a vasectomy?

123 replies

fluffymummykins · 25/05/2016 23:10

My husband is almost 50 and we have 3 daughters. We've been discussing contraception and are at loggerheads. He doesn't like condoms and is desperate for a boy. I have had lady health problems and so don't want another baby (for health reasons and the fact we have no room for one in our house!) nor do I want to use invasive contraception or mess around with my hormones via the pill. I've suggested a vasectomy and he's totally against it. He's suggested I be sterilised instead but he doesn't get that its a major operation for me, compared to the snip.
I'm finding myself getting annoyed with him and thinking how selfish he is. AIBU?

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 26/05/2016 07:12

Yabu to expect him to. Being sterilised yourself is always an option.

meditrina · 26/05/2016 07:13

"Statistically, if you have had 3 girls, I believe you are more than 50% likely to have another girl anyway! An interesting thought experiment - if he knew any further baby would be a girl, would he get the vasectomy?"

IIRC,this is based on that New York study and that showed that there was a 50% increase in the number of boys you would expect if families which has three boys (9% had 4 boys, when 6% would be expected to on straight 50/50) but there was no such increase for girls. Also, no one has ever done the survey again on other large data sets, so it's not that clear if the rise in the number of boys is a true finding anyhow.

Ivegotyourgoat · 26/05/2016 07:13

It's bizarre that people are saying yabu to want your husband to have a vasectomy, but are trying to persuade you to take contraception or get sterilised.

Sexism at it's best.

You can't force someone to undergo a medical procedure. How old are you op?

He's 50 and desperate for a baby and refusing to use contraception? If he was a woman he'd be getting slated for trying to manipulate the situation.

Ivegotyourgoat · 26/05/2016 07:15

Oh and no one has picked up on that he is 'desperate for a boy', how lovely for his daughters, not to mention putting his wife's health at risk in his hope for a boy.

MrPony · 26/05/2016 07:15

Yanbu. You've had most of your adult life putting hormones in to your body to stop children being made, it's his turn now.

Dozer · 26/05/2016 07:16

Yabu. His body, his choice.

Condoms!

Believeitornot · 26/05/2016 07:17

YABU

He doesn't want the snip and you don't want sterilisation. He doesn't want condoms and you don't like contraception either.

So why is he at fault here?

meditrina · 26/05/2016 07:18

She never said he was refusing to use contraception.

She said he was refusing to have surgery.

If one person thinks sterilisation is the right answer, and the other person still wants a child, whichever way round the sexes it is wrong to expect the one who does hope for a child to have surgery so they never can.

MrsJoeyMaynard · 26/05/2016 07:19

YANBU to want him to get a vasectomy, but YABU to expect him to.

I wouldn't expect someone who is desperate for a baby of either kind to agree to sterilization. Even if he didn't want another child, it would be unreasonable to expect him to have a vasectomy if he didn't want surgery.

meditrina · 26/05/2016 07:20

"Yanbu. You've had most of your adult life putting hormones in to your body to stop children being made, it's his turn now."

There is no hormone option available to men. So he can't take a turn at that.

zad716 · 26/05/2016 07:21

YABU You don't want any more DC and he accepts that. He though would obviously consider more DC if his situation ever changes.

leelu66 · 26/05/2016 07:23

YANBU. Vasactomies can be reversed.

If he knows it's dangerous for you to have another baby and is refusing to prevent further babies, then he is a selfish arsehole.

You can't trust this man to use a condom. No more sex for him, I'd say.

Ameliablue · 26/05/2016 07:26

Yes your are being unreasonable to expect a vasectomy but he is also being unreasonable if he is expecting you to be sterilised or use hormonal contraceptives.

Ivegotyourgoat · 26/05/2016 07:28

Well the op has said they've been discussing contraception and they are at loggerhead as he doesn't like condoms.

Condoms are the least invasive for both parties but he doesn't want to use them.

He's desperate for a baby but he's 50, they have no room for one and the op has health problem, and she's the selfish one? Bollox

MrPony · 26/05/2016 07:28

I know that med. Vasectomy, condoms or abstinence are your only options.

I would be very frustrated and resentful if my husband was refusing it at 50. As I said you've spent most of your life controlling the situation and putting things in to your body. It's really selfish of him to refuse to help take his turn.
You can't make him go through surgery but I really would put my foot down with the condoms and not give in.

SoupDragon · 26/05/2016 07:28

There is no hormone option available to men. So he can't take a turn at that.

No, but he can stop whinging about condoms which pose no health risk to either of them.

StrictlyMumDancing · 26/05/2016 07:29

I've just had an endometrial ablation so getting pregnant would be very dangerous for me. This has come at the end of me using lots of forms of hormonal treatments all of which fail horrifically and largely do horrible things to me. DH has been told there's no sex until he either has the snip or gets on it with condoms. He is fine with this.

Your biggest issue though is your DH having different ideals to you.

Twinkie1 · 26/05/2016 07:34

I'll go against the grain here. DH was expected (and did) have a vasectomy. After 3 kids and years of me being responsible for birth control we both decided that it was his turn to step up and be responsible.

Ivegotyourgoat · 26/05/2016 07:34

Oh and vasectomy is by far the simpler procedure, sterilisation is usually under GA. There is a risk of ongoing testicular pain but according to NHS for the 1 in 10 men that experience it is usually mild requiring no intervention.

For female sterilisation there is a risk of internal bleeding. Women have risk and permanent changes when they carry pregnancies and give birth, plus they spend years taking hormonal contraception. That is relevant.

pearlylum · 26/05/2016 07:36

I would never dream of asking my OH to have a vasectomy.

Out very good friend had a vasectomy 5 years ago and his health has been utterly ruined by this needless operation.

Brainnotbrawn · 26/05/2016 07:37

YANBU OP. I expected my DH to do his bit and have a vasectomy when we finished having children. He oblidged without question because had watched my 3 pregnancies from the sidelines and knew it was his turn to step up to the plate.

The mitigating circumstance I would offer in your husbands favour is that he wants another child so he is not at the mindset of completing his family. For me though formost people 50 is too late in life to start out again with a newborn so I would try to work on that with him and see will he accept things as they are. In the meantime you will have to find done contraception that works or use abstinence but if you have a reasonable sex drive abstinence is obviously a pretty last resort for you as well as him if your preference is piv sex.

Minisoksmakehardwork · 26/05/2016 07:37

Yabu. You don't want to use alternative contraception but expect him to have surgery.

Sterilisation isn't the surgical option it once was. I was sterilised with essure. Non surgical, they insert coils in your tubes which causes scar tissue and blocks them. I spent more time hanging round the hospital waiting for my appointment than the actual procedure took.

For us it was the easier option. I'm a sahp and dh works full time. In his job he would have had to have had time off, limited duties after for a bit. As with any contraception, it doesn't always work for some. But after 2 pregnancies while on the oral pill and my own concerns and fears over other methods, plus knowing we definitely didn't want any more, I'm happy to say I consider it a success.

LouBlue1507 · 26/05/2016 07:37

You both are BU!

No Glove, No Love! Pretty simple really Grin !

I don't get men and their huge ass egos.. "I don't like condoms" bull... We use condoms all the time (except once and now I'm pregnant!) and my OH swears they barely make a difference sensitivity wise! I purely think it's an ego thing with most men!

OP - Don't push for the snip just refuse sex without a condom!

meditrina · 26/05/2016 07:38

"No, but he can stop whinging about condoms which pose no health risk to either of them."

Yes, agree. He might not like them, as OP says, but he shouldn't be making a fuss about using them (if indeed he is, OP doesn't say).

diddl · 26/05/2016 07:40

"After 3 kids and years of me being responsible for birth control we both decided that it was his turn to step up and be responsible."

Yeah, that's kind of how it went in our house too!

Tbh unless OPs husband wants to leave & have kids with someone else, then why shouldn't he have a vasectomy?

More children with her are not an option.