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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why this is an issue?

270 replies

artlessflirt · 24/05/2016 17:05

I'll try and be brief.

DD is nearly 7 months. DP works irregular shifts.

My friend bought me tickets to see Rocky Horror at the theatre on Saturday. It's been arranged for about 4 months. I asked DPs SIL to look after DD. She accepted and was v.enthusiastic about having her overnight and obviously I was very grateful.

Told DP this and he was adamant that he would pick her up after the theatre (he is also coming but going home afterwards, whereas I was going to have a night out). Except that means I have to be back for 8:30am the morning after whereas I was planning on picking her up about midday from SIL.

I have told DP that SIL has no problems with looking after DD, she has two kids of her own so isn't a novice either. DP has just said he doesn't mind picking DD up after the theatre, and that's the end of the conversation.

I don't get it? I don't understand why he is so set on picking DD up, thus forcing me to have to get home to look after her. I very rarely get time 'off' and was very much looking forward to a bit of a blow out, but now will have to be mindful of not staying out too late or drinking too much. ConfusedConfused

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 25/05/2016 16:22

It is very easy to get caught up in all the LTB's and get riled up by posters telling you what to do. A calm measured approach is the best.

artless'has been exceptionally calm and measured! I think we need to credit people with some intelligence, right - I.e. that they can read the advice given and sift out what is relevant. Pretty much every last poster has pointed out he is a selfish are.

Other than being an apologist for selfish arses, I'm not sure what other perspective there is.

daisychain01 · 25/05/2016 16:24

I suppose you could always post an advert on eBay for a nice set of golf clubs, that'd learn 'm.

dowhatnow · 25/05/2016 16:29

Oh yes make him look after DD as planned. it might give him some much needed insight into how much hard work it is looking after a baby.

And you deserve to let your hair down for a night without worrying about getting up or DD.

Take your time to make the right decision.

Tell him actions speak louder than words. Once you've forced things to change, don't let things slip back to the old ways which is really easy to do and don't be fobed off with promises but no action.

DoinItFine · 25/05/2016 16:55

He isn't very nice to you.

Or his kid.

Theoretician · 25/05/2016 17:53

Not sure I've followed the thread correctly. She's going to leave him because an hour after he got up he was too sleepy to play with a 7-month-old baby?

DoinItFine · 25/05/2016 17:59

She'said very upset because he's a controlling prick who doesn't see his child for days at a time but wants to make sure she never gets a break.

But sure, minimise a woman's pain for laughs.

I'm in stitches here.

Goingtobeawesome · 25/05/2016 18:07

Theoretician - don't be faux confused. Or silly. Say what you mean outright instead of as you have.

OP - a week with your mum will be lovely. It doesn't mean you are leaving for good but if you are, then that is 100% your choice. Good luck.

LindyHemming · 25/05/2016 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mysteries · 25/05/2016 19:37

I understand your DH. He wants DD to be with one of you. But - and really sorry to sound disapproving cos that's not what I mean at all - when my children were little, I used to dread friends asking me to go out. They'd be offended when I said I wanted to be with my babies after being away from them at work. Probably your husband feels the same.

Goingtobeawesome · 25/05/2016 19:39

But he won't be with the baby as he's going to work Hmm.

Enjoyingthepeace · 25/05/2016 19:39

You say a 'warped compromise', but as far as I can tell, it is an absolute compromise. He is going to take the baby from his SIL and then drive fifty minutes the following morning to your parents so that you don't need to come home.

As for dozing on the sofa an hour after his 7 month old woke up and she clearly "looks bored", what the hell?? A) if she was unhappy, she would have cried b) an hour with a 7 month old can feel like 48 hours. They don't really play. To minutes of waving things at them and they're done.

I'm going against the grain here, but OP I think you sound like hard work.

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn · 25/05/2016 19:58

He sounds like very hard work and that he thinks you have it easy whilst he is the poor hard done by dad. Sod that.

I also would bet that on this Sunday morning, something will happen where he no longer cannot drive the 50 minutes to your parents to drop your DD off. So what if it even was about a lie in for you! Why shouldn't it be. I would go mad when the DCs were babies/toddlers without some peace and quiet/downtime/mad night out.

Definitely have some space from him. I'd be very surprised if he magically changed his ways. He may for a bit if he thought he was going to lose you but it would probably go back to the way it was. The bit that got me is going upstairs to get something and always crawling back in the bed! Ffs, does he have a health problem which makes him tired? Probably not so he can bloody well stay up for the day.

DoinItFine · 25/05/2016 20:01

Yes, women should be all easy and sweetness and light.

It is only for men to make demands on women about what they are allowed to do with their time

AcrossthePond55 · 25/05/2016 20:05

He said that it makes him nervous and it's more comfortable for him to give her food when someone else is there.

Well, then let him fix supper and feed her when you're there so he can 'get used to it'.

Parenting is 50/50. Both parents need to care for their children and both need time for themselves to decompress. I'd say that my DH probably went out more that I did as he had a sport he did and I tend to be a homebody, but he certainly didn't give me any problems if I wanted to do something with friends. When it came to childcare, he was more than willing to do his share. I just had to remember to let him do it his way.

I think a week away will do you a world of good. Time to decompress and decide what you want. Try to look at the totality of your marriage good and bad, don't just focus on one issue. And remember it's 'better to be alone than to wish you were'. Don't sacrifice your happiness and your 'self' for a marriage that isn't truly filling your spirit.

Would your DH consider couple's counseling?

TendonQueen · 25/05/2016 20:15

Mysteries he is out a lot for hobbies and socialising as well as work. This isn't a man who can't bear to spend time away from his baby daughter.

Original poster
artlessflirt · 25/05/2016 20:15

Enjoying - I probably am hard work.

When I say DD was obviously bored I mean she was crying/grizzling. I absolutely know how difficult it is to play and entertain a seven month old for more than a few minutes, I do it every day. But strapping her in to a swing where she can't grab things and play with her toys just makes her twice as grizzly. Funnily enough, I know my DD and her routine and what she likes/dislikes.

OP posts:
Original poster
artlessflirt · 25/05/2016 20:19

Mysteries, he can stand to be away from her. That's the point. He was out yesterday from 7am till 8:30pm. He didn't see her at all. Had he not played golf he would have been home from work at 3:30pm and had some time with her. But he chose to do that instead.

OP posts:
SulphurMan · 25/05/2016 20:33

Such a pain when men think they can just wave the hand and change arrangements without thinking it through.

Talk to him - then talk to him again because he won't listen or get it the first time, as you probably know.

Then talk to him again.

Then make sure he knows what a bad idea it is to take sleeping baby out of warm and cosy environment. If he still persists, explain that you will not be home in the morning.

Then tell him that again, as he will not register it the first 5 times you tell him.

Hope you have a good night off.

a1poshpaws · 25/05/2016 20:38

I'm in 100% agreement with ijustwannadance. Tell him he's being unreasonable, you're having your night out, and he'd darn well better bring you breakfast in bed the next morning! Stupid man.

DoinItFine · 25/05/2016 20:43

men think they can just wave the hand and change arrangements without thinking it through.

He had "thought it through".

He wants to wake up a sleeping baby and move her across town in the middle of the night so that he can force her to do childcare in the morning.

That wasn't an unintended consequence, that was The Plan.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 25/05/2016 20:43

Mysteries - he doesn't feel like this at all. His need to be with his daughter has only appeared as it scuppers op's plans for a night out.

Itsaplayonwords · 25/05/2016 20:49

He sounds like he's being a complete idiot. Has he ever looked after your DD for a day, on his own, without any assistance? When I was on maternity leave I did a keeping in touch day predominantly for this reason - so my OH could experience what it's like to be the sole carer all day without any help or company. Even he did say though that experiencing a day like that isn't the same as doing it day after day, but it did help him to have a bit more understanding of how difficult it can be. But he also enjoyed spending that time with her. I think it was really good for him to do a day like that and he was and is very hands on anyway.

I now work part time and my days at work are infinitely easier than my days at home. And my job is stressful and demanding. But there's still no comparison. There's no comparison when it comes to the good parts either! But if a client or colleague is having a bad day and shouts or screams at you for even a minute you can walk away, if your baby does it its your job to be there! I've also never been vomited, pissed or shit on at work...only metaphorically!

He's only seeing things from his perspective, if you're going to move forward he needs to at least try to see it from yours.

1Potato2 · 25/05/2016 20:50

I'm really sorry you are in this situation op.

I think my Dh summed him up pretty well from what he's read of this thread, ''the guy strikes me as an uber shite''

prettylegsgr8bigknockers · 25/05/2016 20:52

Could it be that he wants you cave in and to say you will go home with him and pick DD up after the show as he doesn't want you to go out by yourself i.e. without him? Only you know the answer to this, but from your OP Im guessing this is what you're thinking?

GabsAlot · 25/05/2016 20:53

he spends all day and night out but cant bare for his sil to have his daughter overnight

bollocks

completely passive agressive

have a good break op and hope things feel clearer