Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why this is an issue?

270 replies

artlessflirt · 24/05/2016 17:05

I'll try and be brief.

DD is nearly 7 months. DP works irregular shifts.

My friend bought me tickets to see Rocky Horror at the theatre on Saturday. It's been arranged for about 4 months. I asked DPs SIL to look after DD. She accepted and was v.enthusiastic about having her overnight and obviously I was very grateful.

Told DP this and he was adamant that he would pick her up after the theatre (he is also coming but going home afterwards, whereas I was going to have a night out). Except that means I have to be back for 8:30am the morning after whereas I was planning on picking her up about midday from SIL.

I have told DP that SIL has no problems with looking after DD, she has two kids of her own so isn't a novice either. DP has just said he doesn't mind picking DD up after the theatre, and that's the end of the conversation.

I don't get it? I don't understand why he is so set on picking DD up, thus forcing me to have to get home to look after her. I very rarely get time 'off' and was very much looking forward to a bit of a blow out, but now will have to be mindful of not staying out too late or drinking too much. ConfusedConfused

OP posts:
Original poster
artlessflirt · 25/05/2016 21:01

He has never had her from wake up to bed time on his own. In fact, I can probably count on one hand the times he has bathed her/put her to bed.

He has had her during the day for a few hours to be fair to him, and he does acknowledge that it isn't easy. But he seems to think that it should mainly be my job, and I should do it cheerfully and without complaint.

OP posts:
SENPARENT · 25/05/2016 21:09

You would be much better off without him. He sounds like a complete arsehole.

Itsaplayonwords · 25/05/2016 21:28

He has had her during the day for a few hours to be fair to him

You're giving him far too much credit. He has looked after his own child for a few hours during the day...that's not something to give him credit for, that's something to be pissed off about because that's not pulling his weight!

Yes, I know he works but he also gets time to himself. Even if he didn't go and play golf he still gets to go to work! I know working is hard too but it does afford you the opportunity to focus on something else and it allows you to speak to other people. He gets a lunch break, he travels to and from work where he has to think of nothing except his journey (I can't tell you how jealous I used to be of my husband getting to sit on a train twice a day!!) and he gets to go to the toilet without taking or listening out for a baby! It's mentally draining looking after a baby, even when they're sleeping you're still always listening out to make sure they're okay and don't need something. Work isn't like that.

Aria999 · 25/05/2016 22:14

OP - you say you love him. If that's true it would be a pity to let this (difficult but ultimately temporary) early phase of parenting drive you apart... It does sound like he's being unreasonable but presumably he's not doing it just to annoy you. Are you able to have the kind of chat where you ask his he feels and tell him how you feel? Maybe he's just a bit out of his depth, not coping very well with fatherhood and your pnd. Obviously I don't know him so apologies if that's too charitable! Good luck with whatever you decide to do, maybe a break and some support from you parents would help anyway

Aria999 · 25/05/2016 22:17

how he feels and your parents, sorry for typos

HalfNamasteHalfTTTH · 25/05/2016 22:29

Kids and jobs are tiring, stressful and can put a huge strain on relationships but it sounds like something's got to give here. You're right to take a stand. I hope you don't get glamoured or hoovered back in again. You have taken the perfect action in refusing to rely on him for a night off. He has certainly behaved like a classic passive aggressive by trying to regain control of the situation to potentially sabotage it. He may not realise he's being passive aggressive of course but you are right to demand change. If he wants a relationship then surely he has to work at it, like everyone else. Good luck, stay strong and calm, read up on how to handle a passive aggressive spouse (who knows, he may just be one) and especially their response to you once you're on to their behaviour but above all enjoy your night off. You've earned it. Think of it as your round of golf. Wink

dowhatnow · 25/05/2016 22:41

but above all enjoy your night off. You've earned it. Think of it as your round of golf.

Seconded.

Zumbarunswim · 25/05/2016 22:50

He sounds very like my abusive ex. He didn't directly stop me seeing friends and family and didn't directly say he would never bath or feed or do the bedtime routine for our baby but by the time I left (when our son was 8 months old) he had bathed him twice (and one of those times he'd called me all kinds of names-I basically had to make him bath his own child). He would criticise my feeding choices and make it difficult for me to do them but he didn't do any of the feeding. The one time he made up a bottle he put one scoop of powder into 7oz of water and then claimed I'd told him to do it. Get your night out and go to your mums and have a think about his behaviour. I'd advise reading the Lundy Bancroft book to help you see clearly what is or isn't going on. He should be supporting and loving you and taking care of you especially as you have had pnd and it doesn't sound like he has been. Flowers

JapaneseSlipper · 25/05/2016 23:02

"Refuse to feel guilty for wanting a break and a lie in. It's so unfair that he begrudges you that when he gets so much down time.

The simple answer to "so it's all about you wanting a lie in" is "yes it is." "

Yes.

Haven't RTFT yet but this guy sounds pretty bad.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 25/05/2016 23:16

You are still going out aren't you? And you'll still have your lie in at the hotel, won't you?

Worcswoman · 25/05/2016 23:45

Seems to me like he expects to go to work and have a reasonable, benign hobby and his wife look after the child and home. Old fashioned but hardly abusive. If he was raised in such a household it will take time for him to change. Good luck.

MrsGS · 26/05/2016 00:44

Does DP knows how you feel or what your plans are? Sometimes men do not realise these things and our feelings so you need to be clear with him. He probably didn't think you want to have a lie in or spend time with him.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 26/05/2016 06:47

At the beginning of this thread I was kind of with Enjoying. It irked me a bit, OP, that you described childcare as being 'thin on the ground' when you have a SIL prepard to tak your 7mo (!) overnight (!) and tbh I didn't see the big deal about a lie-in - I've been a parent for 11y and we don't have 'nights out' and the times I've been away overnight it's mostly been work-related (the odd weekend with friends, yes). But then I read the bit about his fear of you cheating and I think this is what this is about. He doesn't want you away overnight, not (primarily) because he wants to reduce you to the little woman (there is prob a bit of that in there though), but because he is worried about you straying. And if he can't get that he'll do his best to make sure you are up v early the next morning. That's not good, at all. And the whole incompetence/disappearing to bed thing would make me homicidal. He sounds like someone who pulls all sorts of stunts to get what he wants rather than communicating honestly and with the potential of having to compromise.

diddl · 26/05/2016 07:32

So he's happy enough to have his daughter looked after so that he can also be at RHPS!

The taking her to his parents will go wrong somehow, won't it?

With his track record I'm wondering if he'll even collect after his night out rather than just go home for undisturbed sleep!

Spadequeen · 26/05/2016 07:40

So he gets plenty of 'me' time, away from work and the house yet he has a go at you for daring to want a lie in? Damn right you want a lie in. Why should you feel guilty and how dare he aka you feel bad.

Yes you're now a mum and have this huge responsibility, but you haven't stopped being you.

He needs to be reminded, he's a dad too and has responsibilities. Maybe it's about time he did have your dd for the whole day and learn how to deal with her.

Rowenag · 26/05/2016 08:16

I wouldn't make any rash decisions about separating when your baby is young as everything changes for both the man and the woman and you have endless new challenges to navigate. My partner and I argued throughout the first three years of our daughter's life about things like this and various other issues and I felt like leaving many many times. But we persevered and came out the other side and now, with a seven year old, we are a happy normal functioning family unit. Would I have another baby with him? No way. But am I glad we stayed together? Yes. Most couples I know have problems in the early years but most don't talk about it or admit it. I doubt there are that many men out there who are endlessly cheerful when exhausted, completely hands on with childcare or very sympathetic to how much their wives are doing.

Terrifiedandregretful · 26/05/2016 08:21

" I doubt there are that many men out there who are endlessly cheerful when exhausted, completely hands on with childcare or very sympathetic to how much their wives are doing."

I think you do men a disservice here. Apart from the endlessly cheerful bit (who is?) this is what I expect from my partner and father of my children. Luckily I have got it. I don't understand why so many women have such low expectations of men.

EpoxyResin · 26/05/2016 08:30

There would be easier ways to scupper your night out than insisting on picking up his 7 month old baby and look after her on his own overnight - because that's not going to be a easy - as it sounds like you well know.

And in the end it hasn't scuppered your night out, or even your morning, because he's agreed to drive 50 miles in the morning to drop her off with childcare before going to work.

I'm not saying he's any sort of hero here for basically parenting his child. and you're no monster, but this situation is not the problem. Look at any wider issues in your relationship separately because there's absolutely nothing in this.

blindsider · 26/05/2016 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

imjessie · 26/05/2016 08:54

Are you working ? I wonder if he is one of those men that thinks he is earning and you aren't so must stay at home 24/7 and not spend any mine of time on your self !

imjessie · 26/05/2016 08:55

Time or money even !

Rowenag · 26/05/2016 08:56

You are lucky (or sensible) to have found such an empathetic partner Terrifiedandregretful but my low expectations of men (particularly during the baby years) have stemmed from my experience, many of my friends experiences and from reading posts like this. I think the change in dynamic often brings out characteristics that were hidden before. Any emotional baggage comes to the surface. I knew my partner was mildly phobic when we were together for example but once we had our child his anxiety levels went off the scale. He is also more passive aggressive than I realised and whilst I don't give in to it (that much) it does cause issues but I have worked out how to handle him. Obviously it would be easier not to have a partner with emotional issues to deal with as well as a young child but we still love each other and the choice to stay together was the one I wanted to make. Maybe I shouldn't have picked on men, as plenty of women change too and are probably more difficult to live with during those early years too. Relationships are hard work sadly for lots of people as we are all human and flawed. Am happy for you that you found someone so understanding and compatible though :)

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 26/05/2016 09:16

What would concern me most is not the details but what he's showing he believes. He sees himself as having rights and entitlements and freedoms that he doesn't feel you're entitled to. If he's tired he gets to opt out and go back to bed or lay on the sofa and this is ok. But not for you. If you're tired, you should carry on. It's ok and normal for him to do hobbies and not see dd all day but not ok for you to have a rare time off and he wants to limit that. He has expectations of you and your parenting that he doesn't think should apply to him, but he feels it is his place to prompt you to keep his standards.

This is about the point I'd be wanting to confront those beliefs very frankly.

Eiram49 · 26/05/2016 09:16

I'm kinda wondering why you'd feel the need to be out all night- "needing" to be back for 8.30am??

Lovewineandchocs · 26/05/2016 09:27

The OP is staying in a hotel for the night eiram49