Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why this is an issue?

270 replies

artlessflirt · 24/05/2016 17:05

I'll try and be brief.

DD is nearly 7 months. DP works irregular shifts.

My friend bought me tickets to see Rocky Horror at the theatre on Saturday. It's been arranged for about 4 months. I asked DPs SIL to look after DD. She accepted and was v.enthusiastic about having her overnight and obviously I was very grateful.

Told DP this and he was adamant that he would pick her up after the theatre (he is also coming but going home afterwards, whereas I was going to have a night out). Except that means I have to be back for 8:30am the morning after whereas I was planning on picking her up about midday from SIL.

I have told DP that SIL has no problems with looking after DD, she has two kids of her own so isn't a novice either. DP has just said he doesn't mind picking DD up after the theatre, and that's the end of the conversation.

I don't get it? I don't understand why he is so set on picking DD up, thus forcing me to have to get home to look after her. I very rarely get time 'off' and was very much looking forward to a bit of a blow out, but now will have to be mindful of not staying out too late or drinking too much. ConfusedConfused

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 24/05/2016 21:04

How about this:

"Dear, I was wondering if you have reservations about SiL watching DD on Saturday."

"No, why?"

"Well, when you said you were going to pick her up instead of her sleeping there, I wondered. I was surprised that you were going to be taking time off work to watch her since I won't be home until around noon-ish."

"Noonish! No, I wasn't planning on taking off work. I though you'd come home early!!!"

"Well, no. We discussed this before. This is my 'me time', just like when you (whatever activities keep him from home). I think we'd better stick to the original plan. I'll pick up DD from SiL".

Would that work?

Original poster
artlessflirt · 24/05/2016 21:20

Well, DP is back from golf and we have had the conversation. It has ended up with me in tears but we have made some progress, I guess.

I mentioned about disturbing DD and keeping his brother and SIL up if he picks her up. He said it will be okay, he doesn't mind. I stressed that it wasn't really about him minding but about inconveniencing them. He just shrugged.

Further probing and he came out with that he didn't want to be away from DD overnight, despite having done it before. He's changed his mind. Fine, that's okay, perfectly natural. I mentioned about childcare arrangements for the morning as I hadn't planned to be back that early. He came back with "so this is all about you not wanting to get up in the morning"

Hmm

Anyway, I cried and I'm now arranging for him to take DD to my parents house on Sunday morning before he goes to work (50 minute drive away). He doesn't want to take DD back to his SIL as they don't wake early and seems unfair to make them stay up late and then get up early the next day...

So there we go. A warped compromise.

OP posts:
WriteforFun1 · 24/05/2016 21:22

ah, waking them late and early is a point.

And you've made your point that you want a night out and a lie in. I don't know why he should be scathing about a lie in when you are presumably not getting those at all...?

Hope you have a fab time OP Flowers

Fairenuff · 24/05/2016 21:26

I think that sounds fine, OP. Obviously it should be him making the morning arrangements but I think you can let that one go. Well done on sticking to your plans for a night out.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 24/05/2016 21:33

When he said it's about you not wanting to get up early you should have said "yes, that's right, I am having a night out and I won't be back by then."

SpunnyFoonerism · 24/05/2016 21:35

Artless , well, well done for arranging this in a way where YOU dont have to compromise your plans. He needs to see thst you wre entitled to some downtime too. It's extremely important that you don't cut your rare night off to suit his whim.

Your baby will be fine. Enjoy your night.

Furiosa · 24/05/2016 21:37

Dads can worry as much as mums about their children.

I'm sadly not surprise the thread descended into "he's being a bastard" or "he's being a twat".

I think this OP's issue isn't as much about control as it is about familial happiness.

Then again, how does OP feel about her husband being called all sorts of names in the thread?

paniniswapx3 · 24/05/2016 21:41

That compromise will work Op, so accept it & move on & whatever you do, enjoy your night out & don't go home before midday!

Nanny0gg · 24/05/2016 21:42

so this is all about you not wanting to get up in the morning"

So what if it was? Are you not entitled to not want to get up for once?

Did he enjoy his child-free golf this evening?

happypoobum · 24/05/2016 21:47

I bet he's "ill" that night.........

Original poster
artlessflirt · 24/05/2016 21:48

Nanny - I did actually make that point about the golf. Didn't go down well.

To be honest, I was bashing him the most out of everyone. I am tired and wrung out and emotional and it was easier to be enraged by his response than objective. I still feel to some extent he isn't pleased about my night out. But I have to take his word for it - as others have said, if the shoe were on the other foot many people would side with the mum who didn't feel comfortable leaving her child. But maybe I'm still a little bitter.

Anyhow, everyone is happy with the arrangements now. No need to flog a dead horse and all that.

Thank you all for your input Smile

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 24/05/2016 21:58

Isn't pleased about your night out? Why though? He can go out when he pleases.

Kidnapped · 24/05/2016 21:58

he didn't want to be away from DD overnight, despite having done it before

Well, that is a positive outcome. And now he knows his own mind he can settle into his own life for the next few years of no overnight sporting events, no golf weekends, no weekends away, no stag dos, no weddings with overnight stays, no hotel stays with work.

Which is brilliant really because it leaves you free to plan a number of overnight stays with family and friends, knowing that your baby is always going to be in excellent hands with her father at home. Wink

Vickyyyy · 24/05/2016 22:03

Who was supposed to be having your daughter while you both went to this show? Surely if its been booked months in advance and stuff then a babysitter will also have been arranged a while, not left until the last minute?

CodyKing · 24/05/2016 22:05

Which is brilliant really because it leaves you free to plan a number of overnight stays with family and friends, knowing that your baby is always going to be in excellent hands with her father at home

This

Not sure why you cried?

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 24/05/2016 22:05

I know it's 'all sorted now', except it really isn't...

I'd put my house on this not being anything to do wth him being unable to bear the thought of DD not being home for one night.

Let him crack on with taking her to your parents and picking her up after work.

But you need to get a few things sorted or your life is going to be hell.

You need to 'raise things sensitively'
If you don't agree with him things turn into a row
He's 'allowed' to go out & do as he pleases, he gets plenty of child free time - but resents you having any.
You are the primary carer, if you make childcare arrangements he needs a bloody good reason to change them
He had better not be planning on going out/staying out/going away for a very bloody long time without your DD.

He's wearing you down, keeping you in your place. It's not good.

exLtEveDallas · 24/05/2016 22:06

Vicky, RTFT. SIL was 'booked' to babysit and overnight over a month ago.

imwithspud · 24/05/2016 22:16

Sounds like you've managed to find a compromise, if not a slightly awkward and unnecessary one for all involved. I can understand why you got upset, I'd imagine you've been looking forward to letting your hair down for a while. It must be frustrating that he's suddenly decided at the last minute to try and scupper your plans.

Not sure why he begrudges you a lie in when he's just spent the evening playing golf child free though Hmm

Regardless, it seems to be resolved now. Enjoy your night out OP Smile

MakeItRain · 24/05/2016 22:28

You're allowed to have and to want some time away from your baby. Don't feel in the slightest bit guilty about it. I agree with whoever said your response to his "so this is all about you needing a lie in" should be "well yes! It's the first bit of time I've had to myself since she was born."

Don't let him get away with being irritated you mentioned his golf. Just calmly say "it's the same thing - time to yourself. You know yourself you enjoy that time."

If I were you I'd go further and say "you know I've been thinking about this and you're right, this is about needing time to ourselves. I think I need to do the same as you and take up a sport". Then get yourself down to the gym for 4 hours every weekend, even if that means 10 mins exercise and the rest of the time with the papers, a coffee and a well earned break!

Vickyyyy · 24/05/2016 22:31

Vicky, RTFT. SIL was 'booked' to babysit and overnight over a month ago.

--

Ah I must have missed that.

Alls ended well but I do still think the issue was less about leaving child overnight and more about trying to stop YOU from going out/lying in. Benefit of the doubt I guess. What I would now be watching for though is him deciding to have a night out with his mates and stay out...as I would bet he wouldn't have an issue with that :p

BoatyMcBoat · 24/05/2016 22:35

What NannyOgg said. Did he enjoy his child free golf this evening?

Original poster
artlessflirt · 24/05/2016 22:36

I cried because it was frustrating for him to boil it all down to me wanting a lie-in and to make it sound selfish for me wanting to do so. He pretty much has free reign - because of his irregular shift pattern there isn't one night a week that I can concretely plan to do something and as you can see childcare is a little thin on the ground.

Things that I want to do have to be planned ages in advance to fit around this. He, on the other hand, will freely plan rounds of golf, football matches, etc. He isn't big on night's out or drinking, but has hobbies and I don't want to hold him back from them. My friends are childless at present so their downtime mainly consists of getting drunk/going on a night out, so that's generally the 'time out' that I look for as having a regular hobby isn't really an option.

I am addressing this, though. And it's not entirely his fault, as we both entered into having a child knowing fully what his shifts were like. But I am looking at doing things when he's not at work so I can have some 'me' time - which really is in short supply atm!

OP posts:
HermioneJeanGranger · 24/05/2016 22:47

He's making excuses. I don't believe it's anything to do with him not wanting to leave DD overnight and all about him not wanting you to be away until midday, because it means he actually has to plan his life around his child for once Hmm

He's used to you being around so he can swan off and play golf for hours, go to matches and go out without having to worry. He's causing problems because he doesn't want you to have the same freedom he does.

If he was so worried about leaving his DD, he wouldn't want to go out all the time.

Fairenuff · 24/05/2016 22:54

I would also warn him that you will be turning your phone off to ensure that your lie in is not disturbed.

laurenwiltxx · 24/05/2016 22:59

He doesn't feel comfortable with her staying out,