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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why this is an issue?

270 replies

artlessflirt · 24/05/2016 17:05

I'll try and be brief.

DD is nearly 7 months. DP works irregular shifts.

My friend bought me tickets to see Rocky Horror at the theatre on Saturday. It's been arranged for about 4 months. I asked DPs SIL to look after DD. She accepted and was v.enthusiastic about having her overnight and obviously I was very grateful.

Told DP this and he was adamant that he would pick her up after the theatre (he is also coming but going home afterwards, whereas I was going to have a night out). Except that means I have to be back for 8:30am the morning after whereas I was planning on picking her up about midday from SIL.

I have told DP that SIL has no problems with looking after DD, she has two kids of her own so isn't a novice either. DP has just said he doesn't mind picking DD up after the theatre, and that's the end of the conversation.

I don't get it? I don't understand why he is so set on picking DD up, thus forcing me to have to get home to look after her. I very rarely get time 'off' and was very much looking forward to a bit of a blow out, but now will have to be mindful of not staying out too late or drinking too much. ConfusedConfused

OP posts:
LBOCS2 · 24/05/2016 23:03

To be honest, why shouldn't you have a lie in? Why is that such a bad thing? Why does it make you a bad person? I bet he gets them. To sleep for as long as you like is a luxury, one which parents (particularly the primary career, often the woman in the maternity leave period) don't get very often.

I would fight tooth and nail to keep it, frankly. And not feel bad for a single second.

WicksEnd · 24/05/2016 23:11

I don't believe him. Bet he's wearing his Mr Martyr Hat by the time he gets home from work Sunday.

imwithspud · 24/05/2016 23:15

I also doubt that he is being like this because he doesn't want their DD to stay out overnight. Just seems a bit coincidental to me. Why is it that he's been fine with their DD staying out overnight on previous occasions but all of a sudden, the one time OP gets to let her hair down he changes his tune? Nope, not buying it.

dowhatnow · 24/05/2016 23:17

Refuse to feel guilty for wanting a break and a lie in. It's so unfair that he begrudges you that when he gets so much down time.

The simple answer to "so it's all about you wanting a lie in" is "yes it is."

Then the conversation should move on to equalling out your leisure time so you both get downtime.

Even if his motives are genuine in not being away from dd, he also needs to see that you need a decent break. He's being very selfish in not seein it from your point of view.

He has no right to get defensive or refuse to address the golf, football etc. Time out needs to be renegotiated. Even if your free time is spent just reading a book, it need to be more balanced.

He likes the way things are currently and is likely to be resistant to change. But tough, things need to.

Littleconfettiblue · 24/05/2016 23:34

I agree parents need time to themselves every once in a while to relax and escape babydom.

I agree with someone up thread who said you ought to look at how you and your partner can have more consistent and equal 'me-time', even if it's just to do something simple.

BUT I'm going to be honest here (and apologise in advance if I offend!) I'm quite surprised at some of the responses on this thread which bash your partner so strongly. I can see his point of view.

Going out all night getting drunk and not wanting to see your tiny baby until after lunch the next day is quite different to a round of golf.

I know it sucks sometimes when you're the primary carer, especially if your partner works long hours. But isn't this what being a parent is?

That's just my view. I'm sure plenty disagree.

imwithspud · 24/05/2016 23:42

I don't think getting drunk and not seeing baby until lunch time the next day is a big deal, that's less than 24 hours away from baby. Especially since its clear OP doesn't get anywhere near the same amount of baby free time her DH is getting.

In a couple of weeks both DD's are going to their grandparents for two whole nights, they will be gone from Friday lunch time till Sunday afternoon and I cannot wait, it's the first time I am going to be completely child free in over a year. I will miss them but I don't for a second feel bad about leaving them either. .

You enjoy your night out and subsequent lie in OP.

Nanny0gg · 24/05/2016 23:43

Going out all night getting drunk and not wanting to see your tiny baby until after lunch the next day is quite different to a round of golf.

The OP is going to the theatre (how very dare she?) not out on the piss. She can surely go and have a drink afterwards, no?

And OP, his shifts are not the issue. His amount of free time compared to yours (not to mention family time - when's that?) is.

Lovewineandchocs · 24/05/2016 23:51

little

Let's not forget that her DH was also originally supposed to be going on the night out after the theatre. The baby would have stayed at SILs and he wouldn't have seen her until after work, or maybe not at all if he was playing golf. So it was alright for him to go out and get drunk and not see the baby all of the next day? But it's not alright for the OP to get a couple of hours' well-deserved lie-in before picking up her baby? That's ridiculous! Parent does not =martyr and just because he has done a volte face wrt to childcare arrangements doesn't mean the OP should suffer.

Original poster
artlessflirt · 24/05/2016 23:58

Maybe I'm a terrible parent but I am looking forward to having a couple of drinks without worrying about having to get up the next morning at 5:30am. I've been doing it for 7 months with barely any respite or support, so I refuse to let myself feel guilty for that.

DP regularly leaves the house at 7 and comes home when DD is in bed, but he catches no flack.

I don't believe that in being away from her for a night and part of a day I am shirking my parental responsibilities. She will be safe and cared for, doted on even!, by relatives.

This isn't simply about wanting to go on the piss, believe me.

OP posts:
LBOCS2 · 25/05/2016 00:00

Also, parent = either sex. Surely he should have given up all of his outside activities as well in that case? If parenting means sacrificing your entire being to the altar of child rearing?

Littlcomfettiblue · 25/05/2016 00:02

Fair points. I'm sorry

imwithspud · 25/05/2016 00:04

You're not a terrible parent artless, just human.

Your dh has been having more than his fair share of child free time, now it's your turn. Nothing terrible about that.

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 25/05/2016 01:08

I do think, OP, that your DH has been demonised from the off here. A solution has been found so that he doesn't have to leave DD overnight but you can still have a lie-in. I don't think he can be criticised for not being happy to leave his baby overnight just as you can't be criticised for wanting a lie-in. Unless there are other relationship problems here I wouldn't let this be a big deal.

Ginkypig · 25/05/2016 01:11

Look there are two parents in this!

You have made reasonable arrangements in plenty of time (while keeping everyone abreast of these arrangements) to keep your child safe and cared for for the hours your away.

He has every right to not want his child to be looked after by the person you have chosen or be away from his child over night but if that is the case it is his responsibility to arrange safe alternative childcare with some one he does feel comfortable with!

And for the record even if the only reason you want it this way is for a lie in (we know it's not) so fucking what! That is a valid reason after 7 months of looking after your child for lots of it on your own.

MargotLovedTom · 25/05/2016 01:37

artless do not for one minute feel guilty or anything ; I bloody love child free nights and mornings, there's nothing like it for recharging your batteries. Go out and let your hair down, have a drink, a laugh and a lovely lie in. If your husband wants to fart about driving your baby for nearly an hour when he doesn't need to then let him get on with it.

Jenny70 · 25/05/2016 02:17

Will you be sleeping somewhere else? I would make sure you make plans to stay at one of your friend's (choose the one with nicest spare room and ensuite, joking).

If you come home late, he may well find he's "overslept", not enough time to drop DD to parents before work, and you're there anyway. Or make a heck of a noise getting up etc.

Bogeyface · 25/05/2016 02:53

I'm sorry but i fail to see the compromise here, unless (as I suspect) the definition of compromise in his dictionary is "I will do what I want and you will do what I want".

He has accepted the "compromise" in the hope that you will feel guilty and come back early.

He is selfish, jealously guards his own free time and deliberately scuppers yours. You have much bigger issues here than a night out.

Just a guess but is he a fair bit older than you?

Bogeyface · 25/05/2016 02:55

Oh and be aware that you will get a call at about 8am the morning after, saying that your DD is "ill" and he isnt happy taking her to your mums. This is when you are expecting to hot foot it back home. Dont. If he is that worried then he will take the morning off until you are safe to drive. Betcha that she will suddenly be ok enough to take to your parents but you will be in the wrong for "neglecting" your "ill" DD.

Can you tell that I used to be married to a man like this? Used to be

daisychain01 · 25/05/2016 03:50

He sounds selfish and unsupportive towards your needs, OP.

Life to him is all about his feelings, his golf, his sarkiness (twisting it round, you not wanting to get up early), nowhere has he considered it would give you a night off to be with your friends and enjoy yourself.

it sounds like the tip of the iceberg and part of a bigger problem, by the frustration in your posts.

toastyarmadillo · 25/05/2016 04:44

Do update us on Sunday, hope you have a great night out and enjoy your lie in, sounds like you deserve it!
I suspect your dh hasn't genuinely given up on making you coming back early though. I definately feel he's trying to scupper your social plans, don't be surprised if he decides dd is unwell and you need to come home anyway.

Longdistance · 25/05/2016 04:45

You said earlier that he has hobbies. Well, that's gonna have to change now your dd is here. He has to adjust to the change of dd being around now, I'm sure it was fine when dd wasn't around, but now she's around, he'll have to drop some of them.

My Dh used to play rugby, and avidly spent two evenings training, and Saturday playing, and was completely pie eyed next day due to going out after rugby. This stopped when dd1 arrived as it sucked up my free time. The weekend was ruined by the rugby, so I was getting up in the weekends and no lie in.

You're entitled to me time, as having a baby can suck the life out of you just being mum, and you forget who you are been there

Hope you have lots of fun at the theatre Smile

Original poster
artlessflirt · 25/05/2016 07:19

I'll be so angry if he rings and says he's overslept on Sunday morning. Not likely that it would actually happen as DD loves waking up mega early but he could just say it, couldn't he?

I think I'll be switching my phone off when I go to bed Sunday night.

I realise this whole thread looks like we don't have a very good relationship but that's not always true. He is loving and affectionate towards DD and I. I just don't think he fully understands how much I need a break sometimes. I think he expects me to always cheerfully be a mother and full of the joys, which isn't the case sometimes.

He is also very stubborn. Yes, he is older than me (only 8 years) and previously he was cheated on. It seems that after that all happened he decided never to be bossed around again, but most of the time that translates into always getting his own way and not even attempting to see things from a different point of view.

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 25/05/2016 07:30

How else does he control you?

Lightbulbon · 25/05/2016 07:44

There are so many red flags for coercive control.

Op be very careful, your posts sound like someone at the start of an abusive relationship.

This is how abuse starts.

No equality in leisure time.
Isolating you from friends.
Unfounded jealousy.
Using the child to make you feel guilty.
Seeing you only as a mum, not a whole person.
Making you scared of confronting him in case it causes an argument.

You're a lot younger than I'm and far away from family-you are vulnerable and he is exploiting this.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 25/05/2016 07:50

'Previously he was cheated on...'

So now he's trying to control your every move so you don't have the opportunity to cheat. Lovely.

Maybe she got fed up of being with a selfish arse who thought it was fine to do as he pleased while she did as she was told.

You knew he worked variable hours so planning a regular activity would be more difficult, but you are being a total doormat over his hobbies/social life. Why shouldn't that change? He has a child too. Why should this only curtail your social life?! Nothing wrong with him playing golf/going to the football etc - but he needs to stop thinking he can do it without talking to you first and accepting that sometimes it's not possible, that you already have plans. If he knows his work schedule and can plan golf games & footy matches, then you should know it too & make plans of your own.

You need to sort this out now because it's only going to get worse.