To not understand why this is an issue?

[artlessflirt]

I'll try and be brief.

DD is nearly 7 months. DP works irregular shifts.

My friend bought me tickets to see Rocky Horror at the theatre on Saturday. It's been arranged for about 4 months. I asked DPs SIL to look after DD. She accepted and was v.enthusiastic about having her overnight and obviously I was very grateful.

Told DP this and he was adamant that he would pick her up after the theatre (he is also coming but going home afterwards, whereas I was going to have a night out). Except that means I have to be back for 8:30am the morning after whereas I was planning on picking her up about midday from SIL.

I have told DP that SIL has no problems with looking after DD, she has two kids of her own so isn't a novice either. DP has just said he doesn't mind picking DD up after the theatre, and that's the end of the conversation.

I don't get it? I don't understand why he is so set on picking DD up, thus forcing me to have to get home to look after her. I very rarely get time 'off' and was very much looking forward to a bit of a blow out, but now will have to be mindful of not staying out too late or drinking too much.

OP, when you said:-

'I don't understand why he is so set on picking DD up, thus forcing me to have to get home to look after her.'

... you do realise that you were answering your question at the same time, don't you?

As other posters have said, your DD has two parents, and it doesn't make you a bad one for wanting a night off. At all. But I also agree that this sounds like you are at the start of something that doesn't bode well for either you or your DC.

Your DP is telling you who he is. For your DD's sake, if not your own, listen to what he is telling you, without realising that he's actually doing so.

You didn't stop being an individual when you started a relationship with him. And you certainly didn't stop being you when you became a mum (although, it will certainly feel like it at times!).

I'm done with him. This morning has been the straw that broke the camel's back.

Last night he said he was going to get up with DD, he did and changed her nappy and fed her. I come down not even an hour later and he is curled up on the sofa dozing and she is in her swing quite obviously bored.

I took her out of the swing, set her up on the floor, made both me and P a cup of tea. He is still listless on the sofa.

I asked him to go and get her swimming bag out of the car, he says he will but he'll just nip upstairs and put some warmer trousers on. I asked him not to disappear as he has form for going upstairs saying he will get something and getting into bed. He huffs and says fine I'll just go out on my shorts. Claiming that I have been huffing and puffing all morning.

He got the swimming bag and then got back on the sofa and frankly I just lost it. He has zero interest in spending anytime with DD and I. He's just a selfish arsehole. He has now gone back to bed for an 'hour' and has asked me to wake him. I refused. I am not his mother. He knows full well that he has upset me.

Me and DD will be more than fine on our own. We will move back closer to my parents and be much happier and better off.

I think you are doing the right thing.

I'm sure to some it will sound like a huge over reaction, but honestly it's not. He's using your DD to control you. It will only get worse if you stay.

You & DD will be fine, better than fine 💐

You sound incredibly strong and capable, OP

Your P, on the other hand, sounds like a lazy bugger who can't be arsed to even spend time with his little daughter. I wouldn't expect a huge amount from him in terms of contact but make sure he pays maintence! It doesn't sound like he's bothered about having a child but don't let him get away with not financially supporting her at the very least.

[hugs]

Thank you.

I am so angry.

I have often thought we would be better off on our own, that way I wouldn't constantly be disappointed by him. DD is our first and I have struggled with PND since having her. I have felt so incredibly guilty and he has intensified this by saying that I should be enjoying this time with DD and not be getting upset, etc.

He had said that all his 7am starts have caught up with him. Maybe the golf didn't help either?

Think about it op before you do anything rash. It's easy to get riled up by all the support you've been having, including from me.

Things do have to change to make things more equal, but if your relationship is otherwise good, is it worth giving him a chance to step up to the plate?

Obviously you know your relationship. It may be that this thread has opened your eyes to other things that are wrong between you.

All I'm suggesting is that you take your time to calmly think what you want.

Deliver ultimatums if necessary. He does have to change his attitude over this issue and free time generally. If he knows you are serious and are about to leave then this might be the shock he needs to do something about it.

But there is no point flogging a dead horse if you think he is incapable of changing.

Just seen your latest post. If he constantly disappoints you then just ltb.

When he wakes up I'll be telling him that me and DD will be going to stay with my parents.

We are obviously a huge inconvenience.

If his 7am starts are catching up with him what does that mean for me? Of course in his eyes I don't do anything other than sit around with DD all day. In his eyes I have it easy and he is the one hard done by. That is not how I want to keep living.

It has opened my eyes. I didn't want to mention half the stuff as I didn't want to look like I'm keeping score. But I can't keep having the same conversation over and over again, it's tiring and pointless. We have this every time he gets up with DD. He acts as though it's such a hardship, doesn't play with her or interact with her. Merely just tells her to shush and lies on the sofa.

I honestly thought he would be better than this. And last night he said that all the time he's at work he just wishes he was with us instead. Obviously he got me and DD confused with his bed.

Sorry, I'm just ranting now. I don't want to contact my family just yet as they are all at work and I don't want to worry them. I really don't have anyone to talk to. How pathetic is that?

Do you want to go and stay at your parents or do you want him to talk you around?

If you want him to talk you around, convince you to stay, promise the earth, then tell him when he wakes up.

If you want to go and stay at your parents then wait until he goes to work. Get your important documents together, pack your stuff, prepare. Then tell him.

You need to be clear in your own head, is this a break to have time to think? Is this in hope he will wake up? Is this the end?

I don't know Extra.

He is off work today and tomorrow so no real opportunity to prepare anything. Plus we share a car that's in his name so no way I'll be taking that, I'll be reliant on someone coming to collect DD and I.

I don't know if this is the end. It feels like it but I, at the very least, need some space and what he does with our time away is his business I suppose.

Am tempted to check into a hotel despite not really having the extra funds to do so, I really don't even want to look at him right now.

If you are going to leave yy to getting all your important documents together - including copies of his wage slips and his financial documents.

He sounds awful.

Get everything together that you need. Passports, copies of wage slips, house documents, etc. Check what you're entitled to - www.entitledto.co.uk is good for checking things like that.

Don't let him talk you round. He's proved that he's completely useful. And poor diddums with his 7am starts - that's the same time 95% of the working/parenting population is up, if not earlier.

You and DD are better off without this waste of space.

Love, it's not hard to tell that there's so much more to this - you didn't need to spell it out (for most of us). Some people will think you're leaving over such a trivial thing, but they aren't reading between the lines.

I'm totally unsurprised you feel you have no one to talk to, it's not easy to maintain good friendships when you can't meet up with people. It's also really difficult when you're young and the first of your close friends to have a baby.

Be prepared for your parents to tell you that 'all couples have their problems' and 'you have to work at a marriage'. Neither statement is incorrect, but they aren't living your life, you will have shielded them from his behaviour and they have a vested interest in your 'happiness' which is often the whole 'settled down/married/house/kids' routine. Of course, being young, your parents are from younger generations than a lot if us, do hopefully a lot of that thinking us fading into the past now and your parents might not think so much like that.

If he's off work, take the car.

Go to a friends, a cheap holiday let (ring a few, they'll often give you a good price for a couple of nights midweek), just go away.

Don't make a big thing of it, just tell him you need a couple of days space because you're fed up.

Try to pack while he's sleeping.

If he starts, just tell him that you are going, you are telling him, not asking his permission. Tell him you'll have the car back for when he next has work.

Then decide 'what next' from there.

I'm sorry it's come to this, OP, but good for you for taking a stand. Best of luck to you and your DD.

Those saying the OP just wants to go out on the piss/have a lie-in/shirk responsibilities can all take a hike. Shame on you.

Somehow he hasn't connected that early starts have the same effect on you as they do on him.
Somehow he hasn't twigged that looking after dd is work and as exhausting - more so probably - than his work. Furthermore, looking after your own child means no lunch break, no finish time, not even loo breaks.

This is either because he is stupid, unimaginative or because he doesn't want to twig onto it. Which do you think it is? It could be all three.

Love, it's not hard to tell that there's so much more to this - you didn't need to spell it out (for most of us). Some people will think you're leaving over such a trivial thing, but they aren't reading between the lines.

But extra , you shouldn't be reading between the lines. Because you are reading from your own perspective and experience.

In this case the op has had her eyes opened but you can't make assumptions. It is very easy to get caught up in all the LTB's and get riled up by posters telling you what to do. A calm measured approach is the best.

The op probably should leave in this case, but she needs to look at all angles rather than rushing in and doing/saying things she may regret.

No. I'm reading the phrasing the Op has used, I'm reading the frustration & anger in her posts. I'm reading the way she states 'as usual' and comments like this... I find it so tiresome arguing with him, sometimes. We don't see each other much, and most of the time if I resist something it ends up in an argument. Hence why I'm apprehensive about discussing this with him and why it's potentially festered to something much bigger than it is, because I'm worried it will end in a row

All of her posts make it very clear that this is not a 'one off'

No projecting required.

Wow that escalated quickly.

At 7.19 you were saying how affectionate he was and barely 2 hours later you are done with him.

Extra's suggestion is good. Get yourself some space for a few days and see how the land lies. And still keep your planned night out.

If the car is in his name do not take it.

He sounds like a waste of space.

Your opening OP was clearly the tip of the iceberg.
I'm glad you are sounding strong and resolute right now.
It's lunchtime so will one of your family be able to talk to you for a little while.
Make plans for one of them to come and get you on Saturday afternoon?
Don't forget, this will all be part of his plan so you don't get your night out.
Don't let that happen!!
You have your night out.
You enjoy it and then you can have your time away from him to get your head-space clear.

He has taken DD to her swimming lesson.

I told him I wasn't happy with the way he was this morning. He kept saying he was tired, etc. I said that we are both tired, it's not a competition but it should be 50/50 when it comes to looking after DD. I told him he doesn't make an effort to play with and interact with DD, that she needs stimulation not just dumping on the floor or in her swing when she gets restless. We also had a discussion about weaning. We are doing BLW and he hasn't cooked for her or prepared anything since we started. He said that it makes him nervous and it's more comfortable for him to give her food when someone else is there. Whilst that's all good and well (and natural) I maintained that he's going to have to get confident with it as there will be times when he has to offer DD meals and sit with her while we eat. He has appeared to accept this.

I've told him I need some space. My mum is a teacher and has the week off next week so me and DD are going to stay there while he works. I hope this will give us both a bit of breathing space and time to reflect on what we both want.

Aside from that, I'm a bit at sea. I don't want to leave him. Of course I love him but he frustrates me no end with his inertia and his unwillingness to do things. But then he always uses the excuse that he doesn't see me and DD often as his trump card whenever I see an opportunity to do something for me. He very rarely brings it up when he's doing something he wants to do, like yesterday when he was out of the house all day and didn't see DD at all.

As I've said, often I think that we could stay together but I could live alone with DD. That way the constant disappointment would be minimised and I wouldn't feel like I'm fighting for things all the time.

I realise I'm probably contradicting myself heavily in my posts. I was so angry earlier and I still am, despite the conversations we have had. I worry that I am demonising him somewhat or over exaggerating but at the same time I'm so frustrated with him. I just don't know what to do.

Oh, OP, I'm really sorry things have gone downhill.

I agree that you need some space. Just to think. That's not a bad thing at all.

Tiny in the scheme of things, but you're still going out on Saturday? It's important that he doesn't get to ruin your one night out. Let him look after her alone on Saturday night and he might have some more appreciation for what you do. And then you can go straight to your mum's afterwards for a few days.

I think it's a good idea to get away for a few days next week but I really hope you're still having your well deserved night out on Saturday?