To not understand why this is an issue?

[artlessflirt]

I'll try and be brief.

DD is nearly 7 months. DP works irregular shifts.

My friend bought me tickets to see Rocky Horror at the theatre on Saturday. It's been arranged for about 4 months. I asked DPs SIL to look after DD. She accepted and was v.enthusiastic about having her overnight and obviously I was very grateful.

Told DP this and he was adamant that he would pick her up after the theatre (he is also coming but going home afterwards, whereas I was going to have a night out). Except that means I have to be back for 8:30am the morning after whereas I was planning on picking her up about midday from SIL.

I have told DP that SIL has no problems with looking after DD, she has two kids of her own so isn't a novice either. DP has just said he doesn't mind picking DD up after the theatre, and that's the end of the conversation.

I don't get it? I don't understand why he is so set on picking DD up, thus forcing me to have to get home to look after her. I very rarely get time 'off' and was very much looking forward to a bit of a blow out, but now will have to be mindful of not staying out too late or drinking too much.

[AyeAmarok]

Poor you OP.

Definitely enjoy your night off.

He sounds like a selfish, manipulative, controlling arsehole.

[angielou123]

It sounds like he wants you home as early as possible. I'd tell him if he wants to pick her up after the theatre, he'll have to drop her back off there at 8.30am, because you will not be back until lunchtime. He's being an arsehole.

[Ledkr]

Sad to see a few posts on here excusing "the menz" as poor little lambs who find child rearing difficult and exhausting!
At the end of the day it's far less exhausting if both the child's parents take some responsibility for the child they created.

[EpoxyResin]

I'd tell him if he wants to pick her up after the theatre, he'll have to drop her back off there at 8.30am

He's agreed to take her back to childcare before work. Clearly really, really wants the OP to cut her night short.

[diddl]

If he realises that Op won't budge & won't have her phone on, wonder if he'll decide that daughter might as well stay with SIL until Op picks her up?

[wonderstuff]

My husband was similar to your partner when our first was a baby, it was awful. Turns out he was jealous of me, not confident with dc1 and feeling a great burden of being the breadwinner. What saved our marriage was me going back to work while he was on gardening leave, and him becoming primary carer for 3 weeks while I worked, only 3 days a week was I at work, so only 9 days total, but he had to step up, he had to learn how to look after her. He finally realised that I wasn't sitting around all day but it was bloody hard work. He parents differently to me, and I found it hard to step back and let him get on with it, he still sees getting up with the kids as sleeping on the sofa for an hour.

The second thing was us going away together when dc1 was 2, we had 2 nights away and realised that we hadn't had a laugh together in a couple of years. We remembered why we were together.
That first year is so hard, honestly I thought about leaving him and really didn't like him much at all, but I'm glad we got through it.

Men aren't great at talking, but if you can sit down and lay out how you feel it might be useful.

My husband is now such a feminist, we have got back the equal relationship we lost when my dd was tiny. I'm not saying you shouldn't walk away, just that if you can fix it, if he will see it from your side, there might be a way.

[Jedimum1]

I personally feel sorry, it seems that because he's man you are suggesting he's doing out to spoil OP's fun and not because he feels uneasy leaving a 7mo baby overnight. He might just be worried that SIL might not hear the baby, if there's an issue, or that the baby might feel confused in a different cot/house/environment. I find it reasonable. I have a 1yo and never left him anywhere other than day childcare. Your baby might have stayed during the day with SIL, but night time is different. It could be that DH is worried that baby will notice the change and won't sleep, or that SIL won't get up, etc. He might not agree with SIL's approach to childcare, if she for example believes in crying out and he doesn't; he might have seen things he disagreed with or he might think she's already too busy with two children as to ensure she will give her attention to the baby. Lots of things could have passed through his mind that relate only to his care and love for the baby, and not to spoiling fun. If he wanted it easy, he wouldn't be picking the baby up and potentially having to do another night time routine and get up for baby at night. It seems to me YABU in the perception of why he might make that choice. I would suggest he takes the baby to SIL in the morning, it would be a shorter period and she is likely to be up if she has her own + had she had the baby overnight, she would have been up. In any case, I wouldn't blame him of being manipulative or possessive like some people suggested, he could just be a well-intentioned dad who doesn't feel comfortable with his baby sleeping in another house when he could look after the baby himself overnight. We want dads to step up more, don't we?

[Ledkr]

I agree wondestuff I still think it was my week away when dd was 4 months that made dh the brilliant dad that he is.
He works twice as many hours as I do at work but still says he has it easy and helps as much as he humanly can.

[Previouslurker]

I don't know if this will help or not but my DH does very little round the house and it used to drive me batty. What I have realised is that he just doesn't see any of the work that needs to be done. However, if I ask him to do something or help me with some of the work he does it quite happily with no problems.

I have just had to learn to ask him for help. Then I get it straightaway. Could this help in your situation?

Is it that he just doesn't see what needs to be done/how much you do? Do you get parenting/household help when you ask normally(obv not including this sat night )?

[DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease]

I would have the night out, making it clear mobile phone will be off until midday.

Take a few days/week away at parents. Arrange a babysitter to have a chat about the whole relationship, expectations, disappointments, everything.

See if you can plan a date night to see if you can reignite affection for each other. And arrange for dp to look after dd for a day and night alone while you do something for yourself, so that he can get a feel for the 24hr responsibility you feel, and let him develop his own parenting.

After all that, if it's still not working, think about splitting.

Obviously if there's more to it than stated, or you absolutely know nothing is going to change then don't bother- no point flogging a dead horse. If things could be salvaged with some changes, then see if you can get things changed.

I do hope you get to enjoy your night out at the theatre, and lie in. Those are not in any way shape or form unreasonable things to want.

[LieselMeminger]

I personally feel sorry, it seems that because he's man you are suggesting he's doing out to spoil OP's fun and not because he feels uneasy leaving a 7mo baby overnight.

He felt easy leaving his dd overnight on other occasions, he has been out with OP and left dd overnight, it does look a bit odd that the time he feels uncomfortable is when it's OPs turn to have some leisure time. It's also odd that he left it so late to cancel the arrangements, arrangements with SIL were made a month ago.

He didn't feel uneasy the other day, he chose to play golf all afternoon and not seeing his dd at all.

I do get feeling uneasy about leaving baby, I was the same, thing is, my uneasiness stopped me from relaxing so for a while my own hobbies etc got out on back burner. Dh felt better about leaving her so when he was with her, he made that choice. If I started cancelling his childcare arrangements and making him cut his (significantly less than mine) free time short, he'd be pissed off, esp if I was perfectly happy to be out all day doing my own hobbies while he looked after dd.

This isn't the case with OPs dp, he feels uneasy and wants to be with dd, perfectly understandable, but it's weird how his uneasiness and wanting to be with her seems to have no impact on his own leisure time out of the house. He chose not to see dd at all the other day and played golf all afternoon instead, he didn't feel uneasy then.

OP, I'm glad you have something in place and I truly do hope you have a great night out, don't let anyone make you feel guilty for it. Does he feel guilty for his regular time away from dd?

I do think you should get some regular time to yourself, even if it's just sitting in the car reading a book for a few hours, if dp isn't happy with anyone but you or himself looking after dd then it's only fair the free time is split between you both, so he gives up some of his golfing so he can be there for dd and you can go out and do whatever.

[GDarling]

Just tell him that you are staying at your friends house that night.
Have a great time and don't fret either way.
Also he might like to have some daddy/ baby time together.
Yes, stay at your friends!!! ;))......

[Jedimum1]

I see, Liesel, I obviously missed some information along the way. I guess that if he's done it before (overnight), then he can do it again. Or take the baby to SIL/Parents in the morning, if he prefers.

I think the first two years of a baby are really draining. I wouldn't make life-changing decisions unless abuse or violence were involved. It takes adjustment from being a childless couple to having children, especially if you were used to going out at night. Communication is the key but at the same time, communication cannot be achieved at all times or on demand, because each of you might be overtired, interrupted sleep or no sleep is incredibly hard (and a form of torture!), and I know I'm not myself in those circumstances, for example. Do get time together, if you can, and try to remember how it was and what you loved from each other. Even if you just stay in bed until noon and watch TV afterwards, the bank holidays when my children are in nursery are a great date day for me, even if all we do is go back to sleep and go out for lunch. The extra rest is worth every second in gold, as it makes both human again. That said, we have no support / help other than nursery, no family around and friends willing to babysit ! We get moody, impatient and miserable every now and then, but usually it's sorted with extra sleep and TLC.

I don't know, I guess what I mean is don't rush it, do give time for things to settle, for both of you to get a new routine around the baby and I wouldn't expect life to be the same as before but with an extra tiny baby, I personally think that some things give in exchange for other things to come, and children bring lots of joy, parents-friends and weekend birthday parties.

I used to resent a lot of things in the first year, from him being able to go to work and have conversations that didn't include nappies, to being able to be dressed and clean the whole day, to his time off with the console or his nap after tea. Then I realised that I also monopolised everything that had to do with the children because I wanted done "my way", I constantly questioned how he did things and to some extent I didn't think he was as capable as I perceived I was. It took talking and some arguments, I still monopolise but it doesn't bother me, he still falls asleep after lunch but I see an opportunity to switch football to Cbeebies and have a cup of coffee, Idk, I think things haven't changed a lot "per se", but we did change the way they affected us and stopped resenting them. I'm more accepting of the fact he's a different person and has his own way of doing things, whilst he helps more and now we have two we have to divide ourselves sometimes (when I don't monopolise!), but unless we had a rough night or the kids are I'll, we tend to be reasonable and support each other. Now, don't ask me when I have only 4-5h of interrupted sleep, because I might say a different tune, yet I don't act on it because I know that when I'm rested, I'm again the old me who loves this family to bits.

[Jedimum1]

Sorry on the typos, when I position the cursor on a word to add or modify something, the web on the phone keeps deleting the whole word or jumping lines!

[Shesaid]

Errr... is he worried about YOU being out all night, artlessflirt?

[GabsAlot]

abuse can be emotional aswell jedi

op doesnt get any repsite or help from her dh he doesnt look after the baby at all-and the one time she wants to go out hes making it awkward

[Janey50]

She is your daughter too OP! , Don't just accept it being 'the end of the conversation'. Dads that think they always have to have the last word on everything,and what they say goes,get my back right up. Stand up for yourself (I mean that in the nicest possible way!).

[artlessflirt]

Shesaid - In what sense? Is he worried I might get hurt? Or is he worried I might cheat?

I honestly can't think of any reason in particular for either.

[BoatyMcBoat]

So maybe he thinks your place is at home being that fabled Domestic Goddess? Perhaps he thinks that you need no other fun than sitting at home with the baby he's blessed you with, waiting on His August Presence?

Hmmmmmmmmm

Have a bloody good night out, and a damn fine lie-in.

[dowhatnow]

I hope you are having that lie in, the hotel room at this very minute.